need support-depressing saturday night

Maystar80
Maystar80 Posts: 85 Member
edited December 2024 in Motivation and Support
today i sat alone in my apartment and scanned the internet for summer jobs most of the day. i was verbally guaranteed a spot in this summer work study program by the program director. then this last week I received a generic rejection email. the director still hasn't replied to my polite what-the-hell message. so that sucks.

then I went for a weight lifting session and a run. got a temporary emotional boost. came home, texted several friends to see if they wanted to hang out tonight, showered, went to get dressed in something that would make me feel cute, only to discover that I felt fat and disgusting in every outfit I tried on and all my clothes is old and cheap looking. then I went into a crying spell because I have no good clothes, no money to buy any with, no job to get money, no close girl friends to keep me company (and my boyfriend's out of town), all my family is 3,000 miles away, and I feel like a failure at getting thin. I feel so lonely and self loathing.

the past month i've been avging 1500 net cals/day and have been working my *kitten* off with all my workouts and have missed only a few. yet I'm sure I've just gained weight ( I swore of the scale for may). I can feel my tummy pudging out more and feel the fat under my chin. when I look in the mirror all i can think is how horrible i look in pictures and how can my boyfriend or anyone possibly like this?

writing all this I feel like all my woes are so insignificant. i wanna slap myself in the face and say get over it. but i can't seem to shake off this depression that i've been feeling for such a long time. it's come and gone over the years. and the past few weeks have been really sensitive for me. I sort of have this feeling of hating myself, even though I know that's horrible. so many thing have triggered a cry. how do i shake it? it's practically paralyzing....

i don't know what i expect people to say, I just had to tell this to someone.

Replies

  • nikki91950
    nikki91950 Posts: 647
    i think we've all been in your shoes in at least one point or another. you're not alone and there's nothing wrong with you feeling so down and out about your situation. you said you've dealt with this problem off and on over the years, and it sounds like it could possibly be getting worse. have you ever thought of possibly seeking professional help?
  • Maystar80
    Maystar80 Posts: 85 Member
    yeah, i've been to therapists four times now. but i don't have the right kind of insurance that i can afford it being a regular thing, it's always temporary, like 1-5 sessions. i go in, talk a lil, feel better just talking, life calms down and i don't really need to talk anymore, leave, and then the **** hits the fan again and i have no professional to talk to.
  • nikki91950
    nikki91950 Posts: 647
    oh, man, that's a really crappy situation to be in. does just venting in the forums help?
  • Maystar80
    Maystar80 Posts: 85 Member
    yeah. i've definitely calmed down. plus some online tv cheers me up =)
  • kris10lv84
    kris10lv84 Posts: 51
    damn girl too bad u dont live closer...im desperate to get out with some girls tonight...but it didnt happen :(
  • kris10lv84
    kris10lv84 Posts: 51
    and btw u arent disgusting looking at all...i think ur very cute..but i know how u feel believe me. we have similar body types and i go thru the same thing with clothes and hate everything cuz im hating on my body. all we can do is keep working at being healthy and eventually sooner rather than later we will love our bodies...seriously good luck!
  • Crumleygirl
    Crumleygirl Posts: 86 Member
    Take a deep breath. You look fine.You're weight is going to go up and down. Remember the legal drinking age is 21 so unless you log alcohol which I don't advise, attempt to abstain until you're 21. If you do drink try for light drinks. Try to move around as much as possible. I know getting a job is hard and so is making friends at college. So I advise to volunteer until you get a job and get involved in campus groups. I wish I had while I was at the University.
  • HeaderAutumn
    HeaderAutumn Posts: 119 Member
    I understand how you are feeling. It is then so hard when you do need talk it out and are unable to. Sometimes we just need to vent and not have everyone try to fix everything for us. Let yourself feel what you are feeling. Sometimes we believe our problems sound insignifigant when we say them outloud. That compared to what all else is going on in the world is more important or just more. But this is not true. We begin with ourselves. We have to take care of our own issues before we can help others. Try to tell yourself that this is just a mental slump and you are working hard and even if you don't see the results yet, they are coming. It takes a bit for our bodies to adjust to the lower cals and workouts.
  • HeaderAutumn
    HeaderAutumn Posts: 119 Member
    Crumley, she never said a word about drinking
  • Kbasore
    Kbasore Posts: 25 Member
    I think we might have been the same person 6 months ago. I was living far away from family and friends with a boyfriend and I just felt bad about myself all the time and even though I was tracking everything I ate and still felt like I was gaining even though logic said the exact opposite.

    It was in that time of depression that I made a choice to strive for 3-5 different goals - specifically ones that didn't focus ONLY on weight loss for example I did the C25K (Couch to 5k) Program to finally be able to train properly for a 5k run. If you haven't looked at it - it is a wonderful program and completely free - just google and put it on your mp3 player and go! :)

    Also, don't be afraid to branch out into the world and meet people. I got out of that fun 6 months ago because I applied and got hired for a cruise ship job that took me all over the world. I'm not saying do anything that drastic but get out there and get involved in as much as possible - it makes you not think about missing your family as much I promise.

    If it makes you feel any better, I spent my Saturday night watching TLC, riding my exercise bike, and cleaning my apartment.

    *All in all - keep your head high and remember that it's our darkest days that make us truly appreciate the good times to come! :)
  • Maystar80
    Maystar80 Posts: 85 Member
    @ HeaderAutumn,
    It's ok. drinking has been an issue. I usually drink 2-4 drinks (made w/diet tonic or some non calorie add on) once/week or less. I'm afraid it might stall my weight loss but the past couple of weeks have been a bit worse. I've gone out w/my sorority more often than usual, trying to get closer to them and make real friends. unfortunately most of their events center around alcohol (they even had sloshball today which is kickball w/beer which is really appalling to me). so the past couple of weeks I drank about 2 nights/week with about 4-6 drinks per night. my average cals haven't gone over but those days' cals were over my goal. i'm pretty sure alcohol is a weight loss staller for me, even if I keep it within cals as I usually do. the mild hangovers also interfered with some workouts since I need to sleep more.
    this drinking/sorority thing has also been leading me to consider dropping the sorority, another stressful issue since it's a source of girls that might become real friends.
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