Dealing with the de-motivational boyfriend/girlfriend
SweetDorothySweat
Posts: 114 Member
Hi, I am Dorothy and I am looking for nice advice on how to tell my boyfriend and the father of my daughter that he is holding me back! We were separated for two months and in that time I was the most fit I had ever been and started setting goals for myself like to get a six pack. Well he has been back for a month now and my fat has gone from 12% to 20% because he always wants to eat bad foods, especially on fri-sun. He also isn't as motivated to workout as I am even though he is about 30 pounds overweight and I am a healthy weight. I don't understand it. It has made me lose sight of my goals though.
Besides the health stuff, my apartment has never been as clean since he came back because I spend my time watching tv with him at night instead of cleaning like I did as a single mom.
I feel as though he is more of a setback than he is help to me. I thought things would be made easier by the decision to take him back, but they've become harder. I love him though, so I have to figure this out without hurting him or being rude.
Please help!
Besides the health stuff, my apartment has never been as clean since he came back because I spend my time watching tv with him at night instead of cleaning like I did as a single mom.
I feel as though he is more of a setback than he is help to me. I thought things would be made easier by the decision to take him back, but they've become harder. I love him though, so I have to figure this out without hurting him or being rude.
Please help!
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Replies
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I know exactly where your coming from. I have been the same person for over 13 years now. I was overweight when we met, but not much. I worked, adn I walked to and from work. I was always a on the go person. When we hooked up, he was quite thin adn plus he seemed active. Now being with him for 13 years, I lost sight of myself n working my *kitten* off to get the person I once was back. He gained like 20 pounds but thats cus he was laid off from work. Trust me, whoopy. Hes back to work n he burns over 6,000 cals a day. He gets home n eats n eats anything his lil heart desires. I hate him for it, I am quite envious too, cus he can drop the weight like its hot. The way he is, he keeps talking about food, asking me, does chinese sound good, how about pizza. Once in awhile I dont mind, esp if I worked my butt off for it, but he does this constantly. he knows I am trying, but he fears it too. He told me the other day. We got into it. He screams your trying to lose to find someone else adn I was mean but I said yep, yes I am. I said it to make him think. he needs to understand, for whatever purpose I do this for, its for me, no one else. Not for him either. I do this for me. I have neglected myself for so long. He makes a mess too, but why not when you got your maid in tow, which would be me. SO my change is changing myself, maybe a bit of manly competition will be good for him.0
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My question is why do you have to always do what he wants to do? Why not do activities you might like (healthy ones with healthier foods). You make more choices for you, not him making them all, then you can choose to work, clean, etc. Don''t allow him to bring you down.0
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I feel like if you were truly committed/motivated you wouldn't use him as an excuse. Maybe the problem is the atmosphere you are living in is affecting your mood. However, you need to show yourself that he doesn't control what goes in your mouth or how much you work out. Being happy in life is the most important thing. You have to care of yourself to be any good to anyone else.0
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i know how you feel. my boyfriend is lazy as they come basically.. he doesnt have any desire to get up and do the work to lose the weight. he shoves kraft dinner, pizza, chips in his face often. he is a very picky eater and basically has no knowledge of health food. he eats healthy only when i cook lol. he does discourage me though at times. i realized you cant expect your other to have the same goals. although he doesnt really support me in the of motivation.. or pushes me to keep going. he is not my coach.
sure it would be nice but this is how it is. i always invite him to workout incase he changes his mind but in the end it is his choice. also, i actually gained 40lbs since we first met.. thats A LOT of weight. I cant blame that on him though, we both take part in the drinking and the partying and the dinners etc. i am the only one responsible for my health-so it has to be that way with losing too. hope that helps!0 -
This is true. I just feel bad because I already dictate so much of what we do during the week. I plan and cook all of our healthy meals. I make him go to the gym sometimes when he doesn't want to. I talk to him about how important health is to me all the time. I ask him to go on hikes or runs (he never wants to when it's running) on the weekends. I tell him no during the week when he ASKS me if he can buy a soda or some wings.
I guess what I'm saying is I feel bad as it is taking away these things that make him happy, but it is seriously screwing with my progress. And my mind, I love him, but am losing respect and attraction, and we have only been back together for a month.0 -
hmm.. sounds like you are resenting him, maybe you need to consider if it is "his ****" or yours. i mean is it your problem if he doesnt want to be active or eat healthy? not really.. your anger towards him seem like a reflection of your own inner guilt with yourself. i use to force it on my bf.. i quickly learned there is no point in that, as it doesnt help.0
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You may have to decide if your health is more important than possibly hurting his feelings. If he wants a pop, let him. You don't have to. If he doesn't want to workout, you can't force him, but you still can. If he realizes you're going to be healthy whether he is or not, maybe he'll get on the bandwagon!0
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You are right, I need to just stop being so easily influenced. I'll be the no fun mama who says we have to clean the house instead of watching tv. And I'm going to start putting my foot down when he wants to cheat all weekend.0
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Stay strong and committed to your goals. You'll never regret that. Tell him that he can choose whatever lifestyle he feels is right for him, but this is what you're doing. You have a good support system here, but develop those connections where you live, too. Find others (not necessarily romantic partners) that are interested in the same activities. Don't make him do anything he doesn't want to do--give him the choice. If you don't, he will resent you, and you will resent him for not accepting the invitation.
Good luck!0 -
In my opinion a spouse/significant other play such a crucial role in our success. I know I would be no where near where I am if I didn't have my husband to bounce things off of all the time, to help prepare healthy meals, to work out with me, and push me. Maybe you could have a heart to heart with him and explain how important this is to you. Spell your goals out to him, and ask him to join you with a similar goal. Accomplishments together like that are a fun endeavor to take on. Best of luck to you. It must be a hard position to be in.0
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Why can he not have what he wants and then have left overs for lunches for the week and you eat what you want? I have a feeling I am going to be making this compromise a lot when I move out with my boyfriend at the end of summer. Why not cook HEALTHIER options at home and together? You can make pizza at home, Chinese, burgers etc etc.
It is just a thought. You need to make time for yourself but he also needs to support you, he wont do this if you do not let him know what you need tho. But keep in mind that people do not change until they are ready and willing.
Good luck to you!0 -
This is true. I just feel bad because I already dictate so much of what we do during the week. I plan and cook all of our healthy meals. I make him go to the gym sometimes when he doesn't want to. I talk to him about how important health is to me all the time. I ask him to go on hikes or runs (he never wants to when it's running) on the weekends. I tell him no during the week when he ASKS me if he can buy a soda or some wings.
I guess what I'm saying is I feel bad as it is taking away these things that make him happy, but it is seriously screwing with my progress. And my mind, I love him, but am losing respect and attraction, and we have only been back together for a month.
Why do you "make him go to the gym when he doesn't want to"? He's a big boy, if he doesn't want to go to the gym he can stay home. If he wants to buy a pop or some wings he can. He's an adult. You don't have to follow the same behaviour as him.
You have your goals and you need to do what is going to make those goals happen regardless of what he does. You aren't his mother. I'm very sorry if this sounds mean or rude but he doesn't need to follow the same lifestyle as you if he doesn't want to. You will only make him resent you if you are forcing him to go to the gym and telling him he can't buy pop and wings.
When you go to the gym ask if he wants to come. If he says no than just grab your stuff and go without him. If he brings home pop and wings don't eat them if you don't want them. Eat whatever your planned meals are. If he wants to go out for dinner on the weekends than pick something healthy, workout more, or make a deal with him that you go out once a week. He's not cheating all weekend... you don't have to follow what he does.0 -
Yeah, you two are right. I do resent him for it. Because he isn't getting more attractive and that effects me and makes me stressed. But it shouldn't. I will get a handle on it and maybe he will get on board soon.0
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I know where you're coming from. I hated that I put on weight as soon as my husband and I got together (50lbs worth in 4 years). But you know what? He didn't make me stuff my face, or not go to the gym. Those were choices I made. He just made it really easy to make bad choices. At the end of the day, you are the only one responsible for your health and your body. What you put in your mouth and how you use your time is your choice. Maybe once he sees your success he'll even start asking you for tips!0
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You may be right. But I am also struggling with my attraction for him. I am not attracted to him with clothes off. And if he keeps eating bad then he is going to make himself less attractive to me. But if that's what he wants in life I should just let him..and then he can be with someone else who is also overweight.0
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You would think that, but the whole time I was overweight and dieting he didn't care to. I lost 70 pounds and he lost 15 last year.0
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You may be right. But I am also struggling with my attraction for him. I am not attracted to him with clothes off. And if he keeps eating bad then he is going to make himself less attractive to me. But if that's what he wants in life I should just let him..and then he can be with someone else who is also overweight.
Well then it seems to be more of an issue of your attraction to him. Unfortunately, you can't make someone lose weight and be healthy. They have to want to do it for themselves.0 -
Hi, I am Dorothy and I am looking for nice advice on how to tell my boyfriend and the father of my daughter that he is holding me back! We were separated for two months and in that time I was the most fit I had ever been and started setting goals for myself like to get a six pack. Well he has been back for a month now and my fat has gone from 12% to 20% because he always wants to eat bad foods, especially on fri-sun. He also isn't as motivated to workout as I am even though he is about 30 pounds overweight and I am a healthy weight. I don't understand it. It has made me lose sight of my goals though.
Besides the health stuff, my apartment has never been as clean since he came back because I spend my time watching tv with him at night instead of cleaning like I did as a single mom.
I feel as though he is more of a setback than he is help to me. I thought things would be made easier by the decision to take him back, but they've become harder. I love him though, so I have to figure this out without hurting him or being rude.
Please help!
You can still be with some one without letting their food and excercise habits affect yours. If he asks you if you want to eat something that is not healthy say no and go with something better for you. You don't have to sit and watch tv with him instead of cleaning up. Try setting a good example for him instead of succumbing to his example. If he gives you a hard time when you don't eat what he eats, etc than it sounds like being separate might be healthier for you and your life.
It's sounds like you might have fallen into bad habits since he's moved back in but he shouldn't be the excuse. Don't let anyone be an excuse for your weight gain.0 -
I highly recommend you do your own thing. That's what I did and I've had great success. Now my husband has followed my example and adopted a healthier more active lifestyle and we're losing weight together. It won't happen over night but you don't want to wait until he's on board to start because then you'll already feel like you're behind. Good luck!0
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How would you feel if your husband/boyfriend said that he was turned off by YOUR fat rolls and appearance in general? I am thinking that this appearance thing is just the icing on the cake. There are probably other issues at play here, but this one is in your face and tangible so you can focus on that. I personally think you should work on YOU, both physically and mentally, and work out what you want, in your relationship and life generally.
He is a big boy and can chose for himself what he wants to eat and what activity he wishes to partake in. By setting a good example he must just follow in his own time. You have already stated that he has lost 15lb this year already, so he is just not losing weight quick enough for you? As I said, I think this runs far deeper than what you are letting on.0 -
No, he lost 15 last year, not this year. He has mearly maintained ever since. And you may be right. There is bigger issues, I feel a little underappreciated for the time that I took care of our daughter on my own, and I feel like I still do most of the work now that he's home. But I love him and will talk to him or deal with it.0
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I know how you feel, 100%. You are not alone!
What I have done is been more stubborn than usual. I will constantly say no when he pressures me to eat bad foods. I work out whether or not he accompanies me. I try to be an example and not force him to do anything. Just by forcing myself to be healthier he has gradually picked up a few of my healthy habits and lost a bit of weight.
What I remind myself is I am in control of me, and only me. Not anyone else, and certainly not my significant other. We support one another, but I can't control his behavior. That's something he can do not me. All I can control is my own actions, and I try my best.
The best of luck to you.
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I'm sorry, but why do you need to figure this out without hurting him or being rude?0
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He can do what he wants - you are not his mother. And he should not be asking your permission to buy soda or wings if that is what he wants to eat. You should encourage any steps he takes toward a healthy lifestyle, but not dictate the steps he needs to take to get there. Mothering him is not going to help your relationship, and will just make him lazier.
However, your boyfriend should also be considerate enough to realize why these things are difficult for you to have in the house. And if he is sabotaging your efforts, you need to tell him very clearly that he needs to realize this is what is happening, and KNOCK IT OFF! If he wants wings or pizza that badly, tell him to have them for lunch when he's at work. Besides that, maybe you can also compromise - for example takeout one night a week - and maybe once a month make it like a date night.
Now the house is a whole different story. If you two are together, than you need to be a team. Let him know there has to be a total division of labor. Let him choose what he feels he is best at, and let that be his "chores". Also make it clear that if you two do maybe 15-30 minutes of tidying on a daily basis, you will be way ahead of the game come the weekend, and have a lot more time to spend together doing fun stuff.0
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