What do you do when the spouse drags you down?

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caroncarlson
caroncarlson Posts: 19 Member
in Motivation and Support
My husband of 9 years is also dieting (well, sort of) and he has no self-discipline. He has more health concerns than me, but he continues to "sneak" foods and graze at night. I try to avoid it by going for a walk or doing some laundry, but honestly I am really letting it get to me. I know it's my problem more than his but it doesn't make any easier. He's not the kind of guy that you can have a sit down with and say- here's the deal, I have a problem with this. I almost wish he would NOT be on a diet. I think that would be easier for me to cope.......

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  • lbergdvm
    lbergdvm Posts: 25 Member
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    I agree with you that it is difficult when your spouse is not on the same page as you - maybe you can schedule an after-dinner snack - fresh cut up veggies or a fruit salad - that you can plan to eat a couple of hours after dinner that you can share. He can satisfy his need to graze something after dinner, and you can also have a healthy snack with him. Just a thought. My husband is naturally thin, and I hate it that he can eat all he wants, often in front of me. Better to share a healthy snack.
  • leslisa
    leslisa Posts: 1,350 Member
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    What about it is really bothering you? Do you feel like if you are trying to look better he should want to look better, too? Or do you feel like he's throwing this diet thing in your face? If you identify what's really bothering you about it, it might help you address it in your mind a little better.

    That being said, concentrating on you is going to be difficult, but so worth it. If he doesn't want to really participate then leave that to him. Try to distance your diet from his diet a little bit more perhaps. When buying food, buy what you like and if he eats it with you great, if not that's his choice (easier said than done, right?).

    In any case, good for you for your sticktoitness (that's now an official word =). You'll feel so much better in the end.

    :flowerforyou:
  • Canadyna
    Canadyna Posts: 11 Member
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    I am not in the exact same situation, but I can relate. My father has had significant health problems related to his weight and has been told by his doctor to lose weight. At the time he recognized that my weight was out of control and he asked me to lose weight with him. The plan was to do a weekly check in. Well we both had a slow start since we didn't really have a plan. Well I joined mfp in Feb/Mar and started to drop lbs. He will not join mfp and now he won't even get on the scale to do his check in since he knows I am still losing and he isn't and is possibly gaining.

    I feel guilty sometimes when I think about the 25lbs I have lost and the fact that he hasn't. And that's when I stop myself and look at my two little boys. I don't ever want them to worry about my health the way I worry about my dad's. I love him, but I can't make him stop eating or make smarter food choices. I do try to lead by example by turning down dessert and loading up on good food choices and when he eats here he doesn't get unhealthy options.

    There are things you can control and things you can't. Modeling for your husband healthy choices will be good for you and when he sees the results your getting will hopefully motivate him. My experience with my own husband is that nagging doesn't change anything. He has to decide it for himself.
  • caroncarlson
    caroncarlson Posts: 19 Member
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    All good ideas, thanks. He did show interest in also getting with the program, but like I said before he is impulsive and exercises almost no self control.but, like you all said, it's his problem and although I shouldn't care, I do. The snack sharing idea is very good though..
  • caroncarlson
    caroncarlson Posts: 19 Member
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    All good ideas, thanks. He did show interest in also getting with the program, but like I said before he is impulsive and exercises almost no self control.but, like you all said, it's his problem and although I shouldn't care, I do. The snack sharing idea is very good though..
  • VoodooLuLu
    VoodooLuLu Posts: 636 Member
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    you cant help people that dont want to be helped...
  • WhiteCoc0
    WhiteCoc0 Posts: 192 Member
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    Took me three months of logging food for him to take notice and realize there will be no more junk food in the house. He started to log food yesterday. Iam helping him out alot and supporting him. See the numbers really made him take notice.
  • twistofcain
    twistofcain Posts: 190
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    you cant help people that dont want to be helped...

    Truths.
  • hallie_b
    hallie_b Posts: 181
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    Um, if he is "hurting" himself by his behavior you SHOULD care because (hopefully) you love him, not caring and not letting it effect your own diet and exercise are totally different things.
    If he has no control get the junk food out of the house. Better he graze on a carrot than a twinkie.
  • Kal_n_130
    Kal_n_130 Posts: 119 Member
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    Ohhhhh.. i am in the samee boat, and no matter what i do or say... it does not matter.. just stay strong and once u start dropping weight and hes not maybe things will change!
  • holleysings
    holleysings Posts: 664 Member
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    I have similar issues with my husband. I usually comment once and then let it go. And you know what, he has changed some of his bad habits. But on his own time frame. MONTHS after I wanted the habit changed. I also refuse to buy him unhealthy snacks. If he wants crap, he needs to go buy it. So usually he's forced to eat a healthy snack because that's all there is in the house!
  • Josie_lifting_cats
    Josie_lifting_cats Posts: 949 Member
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    I've come to the conclusion that there is no "in this together" when it comes to this stuff.

    My husband and I started this together. Immediately we were miles apart. He criticized me for not "trying" that hard. He lost a ton of weight really fast, which I thought was not good. Now he's obsessed with building a ton of muscle mass, and I'm not at goal weight yet, but overall I am happy with the way I'm doing things.

    The problem is that it's super hard, because while I'm happy with the way things are going for me, and he now claims to be happy with the way I do things, I feel like he's not since he was so critical in the beginning. Perhaps that's just what happens when you don't eat anything - you get all crabby and mean. I don't know. But I struggle with what works for me and what I'm happy with versus what he possibly thinks I should be doing. It doesn't help that on MFP he has totally different friends than me, mostly ones that troll the boards to tell people that everything they are doing is wrong.

    I think I'm more like your husband - I absolutely refuse to give up the things that I love (wine and chocolate). The hard part is finding a balance. Reducing my calories to 1,200 was impossible. Reducing to 1,450 is a totally different story, though. It took a LONG time for me to balance the budget, and it was frustrating and hard, but I finally find a "groove". And yesterday I had a Skor bar and my last Cadbury egg of the year (sad) - but I planned for it.

    Also, I highly recommend not using the MFP setup for calories allowed. I figured out my BMR, and use that as my "low" goal (MFP custom set), but I will allow myself to go slightly over as long as I stay under my TDEE. So I have a range of 1,420-1,843. And I have binge days. Right now I'm maintaining, mostly because I'm pretty naughty on the weekends, but I honestly don't want to live a life where I can't sit around a fire and eat brats and s'mores. I'm okay with that.

    Don't push too hard - let him find his balance, too. Everyone does it differently, and different things work for different people.
  • LuckyLeprechaun
    LuckyLeprechaun Posts: 6,296 Member
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    He's not the kind of guy that you can have a sit down with and say- here's the deal, I have a problem with this.

    why not?
  • Jori7071
    Jori7071 Posts: 19 Member
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    My situation is the same but different. My husband don't want to sacrafice the junk food to loose weight and so he eats whatever he wants. This doesn't bother me in the least, because........my husband is super obsessively controling. He always has been and it's been 23 years, you learn to adjust. My diet and excersize is something he can't control. I LOVE having control of SOMETHING to the extent that I am obsessed with it. What my husband DOES do is "you don't need to loose any more"-"you just don't know when to stop"-"you are starting to look sickly, you are too thin" instead of thinking I look good he makes me feel like I look bad. I am definately NOT to thin, I think he just doesn't want to feel pressured to do better himself.
  • chelsa1986
    chelsa1986 Posts: 71
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    My husband was the same way. I let it sabotage me a few times. Then one day, a couple years ago, I started losing weight. I didn't tell him about it or ask for support. A few weeks into it he was so inspired he started asking me to make his lunch and he never complained about what I made for dinner. I lost 100 lbs and he lost 80.

    Do this for yourself. You can't make someone ready.

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