Do they really care?

tammietifanie · October 2009

So i suffer from depression due to my weight and i deal with it alone i don't let other's in my house hold see me have break downs and i also hold all my sadness inside until i pop and then i break down crying but i hide it from my boyfriend and kids because i don't feel like they would really care .. My children shouldn't see me cry and i don't feel like my boyfriend would understand because he's military and fit and has never had weight issue's . He's gone training again and today's been a bad day where i have been crying off and on all day and when he texts me to see how im doing i lie and say fine because i really don't know what to say to him even though a part of me wants to scream at him im depressed , un-happy, fat and don't know what to do but in stead i put a smile on my face in front of others when really inside im breaking down and melting.... So my real question is do i tell my boyfriend my true feelings or just deal with it by myself???? I don't think guys really care that girls feel fat, not sexy and they just don't understand the emotional issue's that causes us

neclark18 · October 2009

i think you should tell him

any good guy would care and want you to be happy =] my boyfriend is also doing military but still in rotc in college. i asked him what he would want me to do and he said that he would care... i think you should

ivykivy · October 2009

Love cares. When you love someone you share in their joy and sadness. Would you withhold good news from him? So why would you withhold bad? As far as your children, it is good to let them see your sadness and yourcoping with it in a healthy manner so they will be able to do the same. Would you want them to not tell you when they are sad and hurt? Of course not. You would want to know because you love them and desire to love on them when they are feeling bad. That is not to say you should cry uncontrollably in front of your children because that will scare them. Or that you should tell your children why you're sad because they don't understand adult issue. You can tell them you don't feel well. But being sad is part of life that you cannot or should not hide from them. Children can be very comforting and compassionate and you want them to be. But that's just my opinion.

I will pray that you will be at peace soon.:flowerforyou:

BrendaLee · October 2009

I'm the queen of putting on a happy face and pretending everything's ok, so I know where you're coming from. I'd say have a talk to your hubby and let him know what's going on. If he's understanding and supportive (as he should be), great, if not...then find someone else to talk to. Even if that someone is online, it's still somewhere to vent. MFP is great for that. I hope you feel better soon.

Amber42803 · October 2009

I know how it feels to be depressed...I know what you're going through. If you have someone who you truly feel loves you, and you love him, then yes, you need to talk to him. He may not understand it, or think you're being utterly ridiculous, but he needs to know how you're feeling. He may be texting and asking if you're okay--because he senses you're not. When he is home, after putting the kiddies down, and you two have a few moments to yourself, talk to him. Tell him how you feel. He'll be there for you, he may even be able to offer some advice--being a military man and all. As far as your kids, I don't know their ages, but sometimes, kids are wonderful creatures to talk to. Even cry in front of. If they see you cry, they're going to want to make you happy. It's a child's nature. Further-more, the younger they are the more honest they are. A three of four year old isn't going to tell you what they thing you want to hear. They'll be honest. Sincere, and regardless...they'll love you. I'm not saying to constantly go to your children with your problems, but something like this, you'd be surprised at how much they can help. They're also great work-out partners. When you start feeling down, and you just need a hug...hug them, or your man. It'll make you feel better. Being depressed and bottling it is certainly not the right thing to do. Besides, you'll need all the help you can get through your weight loss journey...simply meaning support. Goodluck!

ALC

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mommared53 · October 2009

I definitely think you should tell him. That's not something you should have to deal with alone. If he really loves you he'll be there for you during the bad times as well as the good times. I hope you feel better soon. :flowerforyou:

slimmingmom · October 2009

I know exactly how you feel

It's the feeling you get when you go into a dressing room with clothes
when you eat a cookie and KNOW you shouldn't have
when people around you are smaller and complain about their weight
when you still can't fit into those jeans you've been working to wear
ETC, ETC, ETC....I'll stop before I start crying.
If you are not against taking a deppression medication I would look into it...i'm on a new med and for a while was against it but this one also is sopose to suppress appetite a bit. I've only been taking them for a month now so they havn't fully kicked in yet I don't think....and on top of it i've been smoke free now for exactly TWO WEEKS!!! And it's still SOOO hard, lol, but that makes me feel deppressed too.

I would talk with your boyfriend and just not give him full detail. If you say "i'm deppressed" He'll start to blame himself. If you say "my weight has really been making me sad to the max and it's been making me cry" there will be more sympothy but be aware that the first things likely to come out of his mouth is excersice, lol, which may make you more deppressd especially if you are already excersising. Anyway, I hope you cheer up and I want you to know that you're not alone....AND TALK TO SOMEONE ELSE IF NOT YOUR BF BECUASE THAT'S IMPORTANT TOO!!!!! Take care :flowerforyou:

tammietifanie · October 2009

I was always told as a child from my step dad that crying was a sign of weakness and i should never be weak and i've been struggling with that my whole life because i don't want my children to grow up with that and i have all boys and i want my children to be the guy their girlfriends / wifes one day can turn to for comfort and give them the shoulder they need to cry on but for myself its so hard to tell someone im sad and im really not that always happy person they all think i am... Even when i dealt with a divorce and the lost of my step dad i never showed i was upset because i always felt like i had to be strong and not show my emotions.

nolachick · October 2009

first of all girlie, you are gorgeous! and so are ur boys, so congrats on those beautiful kids of urs. 2nd of all, I do agree that depression is something that once kept inside, your problems and ur feelings seem to be magnified. When you let it out and talk to someone perhaps they can offer some words of support or some insight that will make u realize that the problem you have has a solution. I know you are not happy about your weight, but coming from someone who used to be a 150 and started MFP at 190 - trust me I know how it is to be unhappy with your body. And I am also in a similar situation as you - my bf is a health freak and has a perfect body and beside him well....u know.
However, I will offer this bit of advice, part of the weightloss process (for me atleast) was coming to terms with my current weight. Accepting that I got here by making bad choices and that the process IS reversible, it HAS a solution. Just taking it one day at a time, making choices that make u feel good about urself, make urself feel accomplished, no matter how small, it adds up to boost ur self confidence. Lets face it, no one can lose a ton of weight in one day or even a week but u can have small little milestons each day: getting all your veggies one day, drinking all ur water another, doing all ur workouts one day. All this will come together to form healthy eating and exercise habits. Any little successes will contribute to u feeling better about urself. So don't get frustrated about ur weight, remember we are all in this together. We are all making positive changes in our lives to see a positive outcome in the long run. And we are all here for you :flowerforyou:

tammietifanie · October 2009

So i decided to tell him how im feeling and the first thing he says is well workout and diet it's not that hard... Im just gonna shut my mouth again and keep it to myself i knew he wouldn't understand that im not him i can't just go run a mile and be skinny my body has changed after having 3 kids and guys just don't get it...

BrendaLee · October 2009

I also wanted to say that you are absolutely gorgeous, and a lot of women like me would kill to be the size you are right now. If my after is half as good as your before, I'll be a happy girl!

nolachick · October 2009

I'm sorry it went that way. but men don't understand women, they think we just like to nag about our weight all the time. Just explain to him that you are seriously suffering emotionally and you need him to be supportive. Obviously you know the solution is diet and exercise and those things are physical, at the moment you need to overcome some emotional obstacles. Don't shut him out just yet ok. Try to find words that he'll understand, sometimes guys cannot relate, that's all. I'm sure he didn't mean to be insensitive.

Silver_Dream · October 2009

I understand the depression, I just had my medication for it changed. I definitlely think you should tell your man. You'll need all the support you can get. I get sad in front of my daughter she's 2. I'll be like "mommy's sad, can you give her a kiss and a hug" and she will and she'll pat my face and say "shh" It makes me feel better because it's so cute. I had to deal with my depression pretty much on my own and it's hard to do on your own. It's good to have someone to turn to.

SelkieGhost · October 2009

Men think differently than women do - it's not a bad thing - just a different way of viewing. Perhaps he thought your source of depression was the weight itself (rather than considering that some folks are given to depression that's outside of circumstantial causes)- and most men when presented with a problem will offer up a solution rather than digging down and seeing what else they can interpret from what's verbally said. Maybe to him the answer was up front (change dietary habits and exercise), and he hadn't understood that you were opening up emotionally about something and not necessarily asking him to present a possible solution to one specific problem - having been in the military, and worked with other women in the military who had had children - it's kind of a foreign concept to most military folk that a person would not be able to get back into military physical fitness standards due to pregnancy/children. Sure - the shape probably won't be the same as pre-pregnancy (wider hips, looser belly skin) - but fitness itself can still be achieved. My captain from my last assignment really dedicated time to get back into shape pronto - 3 months after she'd given birth she was back to beating out many of the guys in the timed runs...
Now - I'm not saying every single person should be able to do this - just offering up a perspective from the military side, as to why he may not view things quite the same as you or someone else might....
I would suggest not to shut down on him emotionally (he probably won't understand what happened if you do)- but perhaps as others have mentioned, find a different way to relay the message you really want to relay to him.

Hopefully none of this is taken as offensive - I only meant to offer up what I hope will be at least a slightly helpful perspective...

lulabellewoowoo · October 2009

You are describing a common problem, especially for mothers. I have a daughter and am so scared of scarring her self-image so I try and pretend like everything is okay also. Fortunately for me, she has a very healthy self-image. I actually have to stop myself from thinking she is conceited (which she isn't) because I'm not used to seeing a girl actually happy with herself, her life, and her body. Believe it or not, antidepressants can help sometimes if it is really bad, something that helps to lift your mood, rather than suppress anxiety.

As far as men are concerned, it sounds like your boyfriend did exactly what my husband does. You have a problem...he offers a solution. I have to constantly remind my husband that I'm not looking for his solutions, but rather his friendship and a listening ear. He gets frustrated I think because he thinks I'm gorgeous and sexy and doesn't understand why I don't see myself the same way.

You are very beautiful. And because of your concern for your children and your boyfriend and other people, it is obviously not JUST an outside thing. I read somewhere that the most successful way to lose weight is to be happy how you look now. Then just improve on greatness. By being upset with our weight, sometimes we end up sabatoging it.

I'm impressed by yourself braveness to post this information for us because you are definitely not alone. Don't give up on your guy. If he loves you (and the picture indicates he does

) then keep trying to communicate, maybe even in a letter to help him get a better idea.

My two cents.

tamawamara · October 2009

I Too suffer from depression, and now that I'm on Effexor, It seems to help me manage my symtoms better!. A lot better than Wellbutrin did.That wasn't doing anything for me for awhile!Thank God I have a good Dr. that listens , AND tries to find meds that don't have bad side effects.I found exercsise helps boost my mood, as does talking with my f family and friends, writing in my journal, and of course talking to a professional.As with diet , you have to find the combination that works for you.Best of luck to you in finding your way through this. :flowerforyou:

tammietifanie · October 2009

:flowerforyou: Thank you every one it's means so much to know everyone is so caring on this site and very helpful when situations like this happen and i don' t know what to do !!!! I did end up telling my boyfriend that i know i need to workout and diet it's what i've been doing for the last 7 months but i need support from him and the family he offered to workout with me to help my motivation so we'll see how that goes but i still don't think he gets the whole emotional part of it but we'll have to take one step at a time with that.... but once again thank you so much everyone!!!!

Do they really care?

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