I'm afraid to let go....
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newfette81
Posts: 185
Who would have though 5 little words would have such a deep impact.
I was in the gym tonight with my trainer and having suffered a back injury in a car accident a few years ago we generally don't push too hard with my lower back (I've only been back in the gym a few weeks and we are building up to it). So he says to me that he'd like me to try doing some back extensions tonight. I look at the rigging and I'm kinda wary but I climb in and lean forward.. and then I look at him and say I'm afraid to let go. being the great trainer he is he talks me through it and I do three sets of something I NEVER would have tried to do on my own... and for that I am SUPER proud....
But on the way home I begin to think about those little words... I'm afraid to let go. and I realize that those words pretty sums up my whole life right now... I'm on the cusp of finishing school and I'm scared of finding a job, when I'm done school my bf and I will be buying our first home and I'm scared of that process... but mostly I'm afraid to let go of the weight.
I've always been the funny fat girl... the friend with the pretty face. but now i'm making these changes for me and I'm terrified that I won't be the same person. I'm realizing that I've been using my size as protection against all the bad things that I don't want to deal with. I've used it to push and keep people away and as a kind of security blanket. I'm afraid to let go of it all.
But I'm hoping that realizing how scared I am to change, that it will help me change. I hope that this will allow me to push past all this and let me be the healthy and happy girl that i so desperately want to be.
I was in the gym tonight with my trainer and having suffered a back injury in a car accident a few years ago we generally don't push too hard with my lower back (I've only been back in the gym a few weeks and we are building up to it). So he says to me that he'd like me to try doing some back extensions tonight. I look at the rigging and I'm kinda wary but I climb in and lean forward.. and then I look at him and say I'm afraid to let go. being the great trainer he is he talks me through it and I do three sets of something I NEVER would have tried to do on my own... and for that I am SUPER proud....
But on the way home I begin to think about those little words... I'm afraid to let go. and I realize that those words pretty sums up my whole life right now... I'm on the cusp of finishing school and I'm scared of finding a job, when I'm done school my bf and I will be buying our first home and I'm scared of that process... but mostly I'm afraid to let go of the weight.
I've always been the funny fat girl... the friend with the pretty face. but now i'm making these changes for me and I'm terrified that I won't be the same person. I'm realizing that I've been using my size as protection against all the bad things that I don't want to deal with. I've used it to push and keep people away and as a kind of security blanket. I'm afraid to let go of it all.
But I'm hoping that realizing how scared I am to change, that it will help me change. I hope that this will allow me to push past all this and let me be the healthy and happy girl that i so desperately want to be.
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Replies
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Good post! Remember this feeling, remember this post...0
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In some ways, I used to be like you and in some ways, I am still like you. I am just recently starting to fight for what I want from life. And it sounds like you're headed in that direction. If you will not fight for your happiness, who will? It's ultimately your fight. Keep going!0
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Thanks. Its nice to know that there may be people who have the same thoughts. its a bizarre thing to think I may have sabotaged myself and kept myself this way on purpose
( 0 -
In the end I think its all about confidence! You have been a certain way for so long and you think your body image relates to who you are as a person but it really doesnt have to. Youre making these changes because they are positive changes, you have taken a brave step forward and made the decision to be the person you want to be. Do it and be happy for you and proud of you. You are still you.0
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i went through the same thing with an inverted leg press machine a while ago. i was only bringing it halfway back, and not getting anywhere near a decent depth. she finally convinced me she did indeed "have it" and so i tried to let the plate come all the way down.
holy cow.
trust. is a good thing 0 -
Who would have though 5 little words would have such a deep impact.
I was in the gym tonight with my trainer and having suffered a back injury in a car accident a few years ago we generally don't push too hard with my lower back (I've only been back in the gym a few weeks and we are building up to it). So he says to me that he'd like me to try doing some back extensions tonight. I look at the rigging and I'm kinda wary but I climb in and lean forward.. and then I look at him and say I'm afraid to let go. being the great trainer he is he talks me through it and I do three sets of something I NEVER would have tried to do on my own... and for that I am SUPER proud....
But on the way home I begin to think about those little words... I'm afraid to let go. and I realize that those words pretty sums up my whole life right now... I'm on the cusp of finishing school and I'm scared of finding a job, when I'm done school my bf and I will be buying our first home and I'm scared of that process... but mostly I'm afraid to let go of the weight.
I've always been the funny fat girl... the friend with the pretty face. but now i'm making these changes for me and I'm terrified that I won't be the same person. I'm realizing that I've been using my size as protection against all the bad things that I don't want to deal with. I've used it to push and keep people away and as a kind of security blanket. I'm afraid to let go of it all.
But I'm hoping that realizing how scared I am to change, that it will help me change. I hope that this will allow me to push past all this and let me be the healthy and happy girl that i so desperately want to be.
I too have an injury that has influenced how I exercise. Last fall I fell in my garage, injuring my back and mis-aligning my hips. I was in agonizing pain for 5 weeks. My first few weeks at the gym, my hips and lower back KILLED after I worked out...then I discovered the back extension machine that you were afraid of. It is now my FAVORITE machine. Many times I can feel tiny pops in my back the first few reps. The machine(s) I was scared of are the hip adduction and abduction machines...just last week I tried them out, and they actually don't bother me one bit--I can do 70-90 pounds on each machine!0 -
I never post on here but I just wanted to say that you are already ahead of the game realizing that you will change once the barriers you built for yourself are broken down. I did not realize that, and 70 lbs later I was an emotional mess. I had no idea who I was anymore and I was thrust into society's eye with no clue how to handle myself. I'm pretty awkward anyways haha, but it was a real slap in the face for me. It's going to be different but just knowing and accepting that, you will be able to face any obstacle that comes your way. Good luck!0
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In my experience, there is nothing more powerful than self-awareness when it comes to making big, positive life changes. You've just pushed down a huge wall that stood between the "old" you and the "new" you -- whoever she might be. That's huge and scary, but also pretty thrilling! Looking your fear in the face will allow you to choose your path more freely from here on out. Congratulations!0
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Hello..Yes, I too am somewhat like you
but closing some doors and opening others..
a little scary, but ultimately we have the courage
to walk thru, closing that old door behind us.
Good Luck to you..and yes,
YOU ARE THE BEAUTIFUL GIRL>>:flowerforyou:
May the Lord enrich your life
with every new step you take.
Nicolette0 -
You will always be the fabulous you - weight doesn't define you. What weight does is let you hide behind it. I know. I'm just now peeking out from behind mine.
Congratulations on doing something at the gym that you thought you would ever do. I had that moment a couple of weeks ago. Empowering, isn't it?
Add me if you'd like someone who understands.0 -
Girl, I feel ya. A lot of us have been carrying around our extra weight longer than we've known our significant others or our closest friends. You used to be the "funny fat girl with the pretty face;" will people still think you're funny and cute and pretty? (I think so.) I get it, I was the "smart, heavy lawyer" and still fight with those thoughts: am I still smart now that I'm not heavy? Will people take me seriously? It's hard to feel like the same person, and to figure out who you are, without that weight.
And you're not the same person. You're on your way towards being a stronger, fitter, healthier reboot of yourself! Same girl, just shinier, inside and out. Now you're getting to the fun part, figuring out just how much MORE awesome you can be (graduating! Buying a house! Back extensions!!) without your extra weight telling you what you can't do.0 -
Huge breakthrough, babe. You got this.0
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