battle of the sexes... venting

for all my life i've always been a tomboy, actually this is something i pride myself upon. it's fun to run with the boys and even more fun when you out run them. i'm the kind of girl that has tons of guy friends, nothing sexual because after all to them, I'm "one of the guys" btw their girlfriends hate me. i get inside information that helps me understand men on a deeper level, they tell me things they wouldn't tell their gf because of fear or embarrassment, rejection, ridicule etc. i never abuse this trust!! i always keep it to myself and try to provide advice and support. nevermind the aesthetic perfection expectation society has on women but i've always had trouble feeling comfortable being a female, well a "lady" is more like it. i do wear make up (but probably not the way a typical girl would wear it), i have curves but there's something inside me that is tormented with being a female on an inner level vs. a superficial one. it seems society and even close family members have a certain expectation of me because i'm a female. people like my brother or my daughters father seem to get away with murder, yet my family really holds me accountable for every single mistake i make. i never understood this. why am i different, why do i have to live under certain rules that only pertain to me? for example: growing up my brother got a lot more of a lenient treatment from my parents vs. me. he got to do a lot more things at a younger age, more freedom to make mistakes and so on. yet any mistake i made never went unnoticed. i really believe it was because i am female and he is a male. think about it: parents USUALLY have a higher expectation and are stricter of their daughters vs. their sons. this is just an observation i've made in the 27 years that i've known different families, i'm sure not EVERYONE is this way but MOST that i've come to know are.

then theres the workplace, it seems so sexist. nevermind not getting paid as much as a man or getting hired for "how hot you look" but i'm a bartender and a single parent, and it's VERY hard to accommodate both my work + daughters schedule. none of the men i work with have this problem because well, hardly any of them are single parents because the child is usually living separately with their mothers. you would think that a corporate work place would be understanding to a single women's requests but i have gone through hell and back trying to figure out a way to make a living and still manage child care and my daughters education. I've heard time and time again, "well maybe this job isn't for you" yet i absolutely LOVE & excel at what i do, but if i were a man! i wouldn't have to worry about this because the child would be with it's mother and i'd be able to make a living and only visit my flesh and blood once a week meeting everyones "expectations" and everything is peachy. nevermind if your child is sick and you need to care for them, work requires a dr. note for every absence, who the F- goes to the Dr. for a cold or the flu? you have GOT to me kidding me.

it took me a very long time, and i even still struggle to this day with coming to terms of being a mother, in the sense of having to be nurturing, sweet, kind and all these feminine things. i'm not saying that i'm absolutely cold to my daughter, because her and i do have a great relationship, we joke around and i do comfort her when she needs support but for example when i take her to the park
i feel different watching all those other mothers baby their children. i tell my daughter that i love her everyday, and tell her that i'm so proud of her for being such a good student, friend, daughter and person. i kiss her goodnight every night and we have nicknames for each other but i'll never be like those mothers at the park who are feminine and sweet. that's just not me. actually i'm laughing now imagining how odd i must look since i'm into "alternative" fashion and music. i'm "the mother that's dressed in black and wears combat boots with a shaved head" yet my daughter is so well rounded and is in fact and always has been top of her class. i know all that matters is that i love my daughter and give her all she needs but my point is: i'll never be the "feminine sweet motherly" type. i do not fit in. i remember one of her class mates asked her "why does your mother look like that?" she answered "because she's a superhero!" so damn cute.

i do NOT hate men at all. in fact it's quite the opposite, i ENVY them. i hope that if i reincarnate, i'm born a man. it's difficult being a woman in a man's world, but its even more confusing and difficult to be a woman who thinks and sometimes acts like a man IN a man's world, i just don't fit in. like i said, i have a hard time being "a lady". nevermind not being overtly sexualized and exploited, but i'm rough, i have a boisterous laugh, i enjoy watching football, MMA events, i HATE shopping, i HATE cooking and i absolutely LOATHE dishwashing, i don't get pedicures or manicures or go to salons of any kind, i cut dye my own hair, EVERYBODY poops n farts, i love comic books, action movies, i have a sex drive like a man, i like muscle cars, i like working on cars, Rambo & Rocky are my hero's! i'm aggressive, i'm even a lil egotistical, stubborn and somewhat narcissistic like a man and would really be a great alpha-male if only i had a male counterpart. strangers have even mistaken me for being a lesbian because i'm so tough. but really it's quite the opposite, i absolutely LOVE men.

as of lately, (1 1/2 weeks) i've hit a plateau, and it's really starting to depress me. i know i know, all i have to do is "be patient. change up your routine, eat more, life weights, use a ruler not a scale " blah blah blah. i know & practice all this yet (well except the patience part because i have no patience obviously) i'm still stuck. and behold here is another reason why i absolutely regret not being born a man... when my guy friends lift weights for one session, you can tell. it takes me 3-4 times the amount to show significance. when my guy friends follow the same routine of weight loss, they lose 1.5-2x's the amount i lose. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! i know, I KNOW. it's because men only need 3% body fat to survive vs a woman needs 18% to always be prepared for child bearing. it's JUST NOT FAIR! i don't even LIKE KIDS!! (except my daughter) i know i KNOW, men have way more muscle mass so they're able to burn fat off way faster then females... I KNOW I KNOW!!!! IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!! you have no idea how mad it makes me, every time i go to the bench press to switch the weights from what my BF lifts to what i have to lift it's absolutely depressing me. i'm not going to give up, but as of lately i've been so depressed being stuck on this stupid plateau. i'm not saying men don't hit plateaus but my personal current situation only feeds my inner turmoil of hating the fact i was born a woman. yes, i think i'm even borderline sexist against other women, which probably makes no sense but i just think so highly of men. *guH* thanks for reading this entirely through.

any advice would be helpful but if you're a man about to post about "how much easier women have it then men" try being a woman for 30 days, then you can add your comment. and i know you're thinking "but women have T&A" well men have D&B :P

-stephanie-