The Success Within - Whats Your Story?

I'll bite. My husband left me 6months before I turned 40, physically left, he actually had been leaving for years. I was forever compared to this girl or that, he always had a female friend that needed his saving, while I need saving myself. we drank, we ate, we had 2 children and a farm that eventually I cared for on my own for 10 years. I worked,alot, OT every chance I got, cared for the animals,which are my passion, the home as best I could, him,ect...everyone but me. I became resentful,I kept working shift work and he did most of the stuff with the kids. He became involved with a multi level marketing scheme,met his now wife, and came home one evening from a feel good,give us your money ,rara session and told me ,he had found his true family. I believe in work,physical labor and wanted nothing to do with this scam. Well, he started going out of town, always with women,spending evenings doing meetings,stopped coaching the kids sports and got very verbally abusive towards me. I drank more, ate alot more and really didn't care. I was suddenly made to do everything and nothing was goosd enough. so, black times ahead.... he left, I was an emotional mess,suicidal,drinking way too much,working way too much and trying to care for my daughters. I did not have a desire to try and date, and to this day I have been alone. I have depression,hereditary, and drinking didn't help my attitude or relationships. I was a very bad whiner. I went to rehab for drinking then AA and neither stuck, I continued on a path of self destruction and a thinnly veiled hatred of the man who was supposed to be with me forever. deception may be overcome by some but not me. so, fast forward to 3 years ago. I had to sell my farm, the kids were gone and I lost the one thing keeping me going. I had to move to a trailer park so I could keep my dog and cats. I do not know how I survived,I had driven away many friends, had worked so much that I had no social life,and was a very bitter angry person. Then my kids got married and both moved to other countries as missionaries. I was truely alone. then my cat died,then my dog a month later and I was trapped in a trailer park,working,with nothing but time and a liqour store down the street. When winter hit I did nothing but eat,watch tv and drink...alot. I started volunteering,and that helped a bit. by the second winter I had gained about another 25 pounds, was aggravated by people, whiney and miserable,inside there was a person with so much to give, who tried to give and felt defeated. so again forward to this past fall, my one daughter came home from the mission field and moved by her in-laws about 30 min away. I had photos taken of me and my grandchildren and shuddered at what I saw. I started out the fall back in hibernation mode,all the time fighting various ailments that my doctor could find little cause for. I was sick, at heart,at spirit, at my very being. just before Christmas I was looking for diet tips for the first of the year, and I found MFP. I liked the format and would look and see what was happening,but lost a few pounds on my own before I officially started. On January 3rd 2012 a switch flipped and I haven't had a drink or gone to a drive thru since[once for the fast food]. I have lost over 50 pounds since my worst, my ailments have vanished. My night terrors,and panic attacks are gone. I have a bounce to my step and I do not mind having my picture taken, although honestly, I can't believ I still look so large in photos. I see a councelor for my mental health, jjoined a hiking group for my social health, and joined MFP for support. Due to my sensitive nature, I think I have been too injured to ever be the person I once was. But now I do try. I have lost a few 'friends' as I choose not to socialize where drinking is happening, although surprising even to me, I am doing just fine. I am hoping that with my new way of life, I can be me again,a maybe slightly Jaded me, but me none the less. It is great to wear shirts tucked in and feel ok, it is great to smile at someone,wink wink, and not have some of the reactions I was used to getting. I have a very rocky road back, but the gravel is smoothing out and with the friends on here that give me encouragement, I know I will be ok. I am not sure if this is what you were looking for, but it is an abbreviated version of my journey here...I left out the bad stuff...... so everyone who is struggling, I hope you get your 'switch' moment and find the path to good health and a good life.

Rasgirl.

I get it. I am in the same boat, but confronting some of those demons takes a lot of work. I have spent the last few months identifying a lot of the causes to why I maxed out at 355 back in Jan 2012. (God, I can't even believe I weighed that!) I think I will still be chased by those demons, maybe even more so the closer I get to my goal weight and that is why I am worried. The pressure to cave in to all that negativity will be tremendous, but hopefully offset by all the success to that moment, and support from friends and family. I have met quite a few demons already, and am working through them steadily. So, ya. I get it.

I was just taking a little walk and wondered at what I wrote, what it basically came down to. I guess that we cannot allow another person to mold us. Being told I was a lousy wife,mother,disgusting to be seen with, fat and ugly, the reason we had no friends by a person with his own issues shouldn't have made me believe he was right. I have to rediscover the parts that were squashed and build back up the parts of me he couldn't. I have behaved horribly, because thats what I believed....I was wrong and so was he..... thank you for the hugs.....

I am almost 40 pounds down and quite a ways from where I would like to be (pounds wise) but I have learned many new things about myself on this journey. Somewhere along the line of getting married and having 5 (yes...5) kids I quit caring about how I looked and quit taking care of ME. I have been trudging through life fat, tired, and unhealthy for at least 10 years. The "switch" for me was when we had to start dressing up at work and I had to shop in the biggest normal sizes. I was pushing out of size 24 jeans and wearing 3X shirts. I guess I hadn't realized that I was THAT big because I certainly didn't feel that big!! I decided that I needed to do this for ME. I started walking and running and started feeling better instantly. Having more energy during the day felt amazing, wanting to play with my children more was a dream come true. I looked back and realized that I had been just a bump on a log. Watching my children live life. Setting a horrible example to them of what a mommy should do. Where I used to hide from the camera, I don't mind so much now. When I used to sit and watch them play ball, I am now out there throwing it to them. I bought a bike the other day and we have been on a few bike rides. I would never have done that before. Just the thought of it would have made me tired. My depression is totally gone (it was mild but still glad to be rid of it). I have lots of self confidence because I have A LOT to be proud of! Its one thing to lose the weight but completely another to feel like a different person. Happier, healthier, confident. And most importantly to me is being a better mommy! My kids are seeing the results of my hard work and (although unhappily at times) are eating healthier and learning to make better choices right along with me. I hope everyone takes the time to reflect on their behind the scenes NSV's

So, I posted this on the (rather explosive) "Fat Acceptance" Topic, so, it does contain the defense of that set of ideas. Please don't let that derail this thread, it's just part of my story.

Again, this is copied out of another thread:

This was not my first introduction to Fat Acceptance.
This site was my first introduction: http://kateharding.net/
This blog post changed my life: http://kateharding.net/2007/11/27/the-fantasy-of-being-thin/
How you ask? After dieting, (yo-yo-ing.. really BAD dieting. Pills. Laxatives. Occasional purging. Days of lettuce). in my mid 20s I found myself steadily, slowly gaining weight. I had been heavy in my early teens, but after one big weight loss (at 13-14), I yo-yo-ed in the healthy BMI. I also think because I never made it to "underweight." No one, other than my parents, a boyfriend and my pediatrician was ever concerned about this behavior. I received all praise for weight loss, no one looked to see how I accomplished it.

When I started gaining (after taking Depo Provera).... I dieted, I ran, I gained. I dieted MORE, I tried the laxatives again (even though I had quit those after reading about possibly health problems), you can't get Ephedra anymore, so the over the counter pills didn't work. At under 1,000 cals a day (mostly WELL under), I ate LESS.
I hated myself. I cried, I went to the Dr - no help there (offered prescription diet pills). Some part of me KNEW what I was doing was wrong, and unhealthy, so I literally took my records and left.
Went to another Dr. She had me write down what I ate every day. She looked at it and said "You aren't eating enough." She gave me a meal plan, made me promise to follow it, told me I would gain, but the gain would stop. I did as she said, and she was right.
Then, I got ANGRY -- I could eat 3 times as much as I had before, and NOT gain weight, but I couldn't LOSE.
I would still slip and starve for a couple of days. Eventually, I fell and broke my ankle BADLY. I found out my bones were "thin." Osteopenia, probably because I hadn't eaten properly for 10 years or more.

Somewhere in this time, I happened upon Kate Harding... and I embraced FAT ACCEPTANCE for awhile. Crystal Renn was my body inspiration. I bought this SUPER HOT red bathing suit.

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Gc3ZhfxghVw/Sex89ALA5kI/AAAAAAAADXE/xGi66n3xxKg/s400/swim1.jpg

I felt better in that bathing suit at my highest weight (185) than I had at my lowest (not sure, somewhere in the 120s, maybe lower) than I had when I was the smallest weight I had EVER been.

Admittedly, I went a little wild for a while, after all, eating cheesecake with NO GUILT was something I hadn't experienced since before I was 12 years old.

Through the blogs associated with Fat Acceptance, I found the ideas of clean eating, and eating intuitively. I started to take more interest in my health. I wasn't afraid to eat, I didn't feel guilty when I ate.I learned that ... I could have ice cream, so I didn't need to eat the whole container. I lost a little weight without trying.

I ended up here, MFP, due to complex fertility issues (not related to weight) (unicornuate uterus, if anyone is curious)... (AND a really cute pair of jeans). I knew if I ended up needing fertility treatment, the first thing they would do would be to tell me to lose weight. I also HONESTLY felt like I probably was at a higher weight than I should have been from my history of disordered eating and then overeating once I lost the guilt.

I DO feel like my time of eating freely probably served as a "reset" as the "Eat More to Lose" people call it. Without it, I am fairly certain that eating 1410 calories a day NET would NOT have caused weight loss for me.

I truly believe you accomplish more out of love - for yourself and others, than hate. I used to diet out of HATE. Now I am trying to live a healthy lifestyle out of LOVE. Self acceptance can sometimes lead to a change that no amount of self-loathing can manufacture.

Like all movements, there are (extreme) extremists in Fat Acceptance, but there is a thread that is very good and very necessary.

I know this is really long and more personally revealing than I should probably put out for the MFP vipers, but hopefully it helps someone.

*edited to say... THAT was a ramble. I'm too old to be up at 1 a.m. Shouldn't drink coffee after 7 p.m.... ever.


So, that was copy and pasted out of that thread. I will add, that while I DO like the vanity factor of losing weight, I really truly feel like being healthy is more important. If I stopped losing weight tomorrow, I would readjust my macros, change my workout, but I won't engage in unhealthy behavior again. This journey has also relieved the fear that I would not be able to handle the massive size increase during pregnancy, and the fear that I would put on pregnancy weight and not be able to lose it. I have almost lost the recommended gain of a healthy pregnancy, so surely I could do it again. My husband has also been WONDERFUL through all of this, really a voice of reason in some of those bad times. I am amazed every day at what my body will do when I am kind to it.

Now I just have to get pregnant.

Aside from your physical changes or what you love and hate about how you look what makes you a success? What is it about the things you have done, the choices you have made, the mountains you have climbed, and the trials you have overcome that make you valuable, beautiful, and unique? I beleive that true transformation is holistic and I hope that even one of you will choose to embrace who you are not what you look like as well as get in physical shape with me!

xoxo
Mom on A Mission

I am alive. I have had to fight for my life from the time I was born.
What I am most proud of is my ability to recover, to be resilient, and above all else to come out of horrendous situations and shed bitterness- to remain open-hearted and open minded. To be able to continue to love freely to give freely. To address past grief and loss with courage and honesty instead of avoiding it.
Thanks for this post. It is very important in the mission of regaining health and life.

Wow, all the stories here are amazing. Thank you for being so inspirational everyone.

Right now, I can't say I want to dig deep to bring you a story of what flicked my switch. I'm taking it one day at a time and doing well :-)

xxx

Thanks all and best of all thats good to you

I have always been over weight. My mom was over weight and I was embarassed to be seen with her, mostly b/c I was afraid of becoming her. I swore I would never be over 200 lbs, that # came and went shortly after I got out of high school. Then my mom got sick and I got busy taking care of her, working full time and trying to go to college full time. In the mean time I met my husband and got married. We started to talk about having kids and due to my mother's illness, which is hereditray, I wasn't sure about having children of my own. After having a change of heart, here I am 2 kids later, 50+ more lbs, still taking care of my mom (though she is now in a nursing home) and working full time.

When we had a loss in the family earlier this year I decided to go to the Dr. and get some medication to deal with all of the stress in my life and once that was in my system I feel that I started to think more clearly......What kind of mom was I? I was running myself so thin that I didn't know whether I was coming or going. I decided to do something about this. I found MFP and started to go for hikes to relax and forget about all of the stress in my life. ( I even had my kids hike with me so they could stay active) Shortly I started to loose weight and started to feel better about myself. Don't get me wrong, I still shutter when I see myself in the mirror but I am working on it and that is all that matters.

Another good thing is that I am not the only one eating healthy. Everyone in my household is eating the same things that I do. My dad who is only at our house on the weekend, told me the other day that he has lost 5 lbs by just eating at our house 2 nights a week.

In the end, this hereditary disease that my mom has and that I could have, is no longer going to make me depressed to where I turn to food for comfort. I want to be a good mom for my kids, I want them to remember me as the mom that use to take them for long hikes in the woods and wanted to loose weight and become healthy for them.

Though I don't have control over the chemicals and genes working their way around in my body determining that part of my future, I do have control of what goes into my body. This is what I am trying to focus on now.

I was very active in high school but was still overweight. I liked how much energy I had but I was in sports so I was active only because I wanted to play and have fun with my friends.
Then I went to college and exercised when I could. I was doing what I always did but thought I can't do that. Then I started only focusing on school and came home for summer break and could not do what I loved to do.
Now I think I can do that and not letting myself be controlled by my weight. Some days are better than others but I can do anything I set my mind to and I have found this new amazing strength. It has taken me a long time to get here.
This is the short hand version but if you want to hear more let me know.