Skinny partners. Frustrating or encouraging?

kathrynangelabaird
kathrynangelabaird Posts: 53
edited December 21 in Motivation and Support
I have recently been asking myself this!

Since I’ve met my partner he’s been a stick thin rake.
He can eat how much of what he wants and doesn’t put on weight whilst I put on 3 stone!
(Before anyone asks - He is active as he has very hands on job and stands most the day but he doesn’t exercise apart from riding a BMX every so often and digging trails.)

So last night we were talking and he asked me why I had a cheat day and I told him I really craved several foods and I’d rather get them all out at once then end up binge eating on the things often. (as now if someone says chocolate or McDonalds I cringe and I’m put off it!)
He said to me “you’ll never lose the weight you moan about all the time if you eat *kitten* all the time” :explode:

I hadn’t had proper chocolate or anything in a month and had really been good for the last week and had not gone over my calories at all so his words were very discouraging and made me a bit fuming!

He then went on to start getting irritated and speaking/shouting (that annoying half shouting tone men do!!) at me saying I need to eat healthy and go the gym more often at least 4 times a week.
How can I take advice from someone whose idea of a good day of food is a bacon cob in the morning, McDonalds at lunch and McDonalds or subway for dinner? Or double sometimes even triple servings of dinner and NEVER exercises at all.
He did 2 days of Jillians Shred to help and motivate me and then gave up and had a chinese on the 3rd night!!

I felt a bit taken back and like his words were going in one ear and out the other.

I really can’t take advice from someone who is actually so unhealthy but stick thin and very unsupportive.

I do try to go gym as much as possible but with working full time, housework, cooking, looking after pets and driving lessons I find myself getting behind on anything and everything and not getting ANY help. Like with washing up or cooking. It’s all left to me and some days I just want to curl up and do nothing!!

He said it really frustrates him though how he knows I’m unhappy with myself but I lack effort and enthusiasm and will power – he says I make excuses up for everything.

<b>How can I make him see that I can’t be wonder woman?</b>

I think I need to be selfish and kick him into gear and tell him straight that if I’m to go gym 4 days a week I need help around the house and HE needs to help out and pull his finger out before saying I'm lazy!!

I just find it frustrating taking ANY advice off someone who doesn’t even care about their own health.

I think the icing on the cake was when he turned to me and told me he is only telling me what to do as it’s what he sees Bob on biggest loser doing. I actually laughed so hard!! :laugh:

I don’t know if anyone else’s partner is like this? or if anyone else struggles to juggle everything around and has advice on how to try and even everything out in regards to housework with gym!!

Replies

  • UpEarly
    UpEarly Posts: 2,555 Member
    When I started dating my husband, he was 6' tall and weighed 127 pounds. He ate absolute masses of food - burgers, milkshakes, entire 16oz boxes of pasta, whole bags of chips, entire pizzas, etc. He never gained a pound.

    That was nearly 20 years ago when we were both in our early 20's.

    Fast forward to now -- he's still 6' tall, but he weighs 200 pounds. Eventually his lavish eating caught up with him and he gained nearly 75 pounds. Now I'm the thin one, and he struggles with his weight.

    It's never caused issues for us.
  • Erisad
    Erisad Posts: 1,580
    Nope. I have a slightly chubby boyfriend who orders mozzarella sticks whenever we go out. So I guess I have the opposite problem. But my brother is a lot like the man you describe. He sits on his *kitten* playing videogames and eats doritos and oreos and is still thin as a rail and complains when I make healthy food because he wants, "something that tastes good." Pain in the butt, lemme tell ya. XD
  • thedreamhazer
    thedreamhazer Posts: 1,156 Member
    or if anyone else struggles to juggle everything around and has advice on how to try and even everything out in regards to housework with gym!!

    I can't answer to the whole thing. However, in regard to fitting in the gym -- I go in the mornings before work. Then I walk on my lunch breaks. And, if I have an easy dinner planned or pre-prepared, I go after work for some quick cardio. I do all of the cooking and laundry because I'm a better cook than my partner and he works longer hours than me. Still, we both work full time and just save the bulk of our cleaning for the weekends. If you really look at your day with efficiency in mind and use a little time management, you can find 45 minutes to spend at the gym each day.

    Good luck! You've had some success so far, based ony our ticker, so you're doing something right!
  • jessicawrites
    jessicawrites Posts: 235 Member
    Sounds like there's a LOT more important issues here than the guy's BMI... My fiance is very slim/lean, but he tells me he knows how important it is to me to exercise, and backs it up by coming to the gym with me or even making (healthy) dinner if I'm going to be out later.

    It sounds like you're both frustrated in your current situation. Have you tried talking to him about how you could redistribute your schedule and housework to give you some time to exercise?
  • Onesnap
    Onesnap Posts: 2,819 Member
    We are a thin healthy weight couple. My husband does not workout but he's active on weekends (chopping wood, etc.)

    I think we gain inspiration from each other. My hubby compliments my workout routine and he knows I work hard. I praise his good genetics that he does not have to workout every day.

    It's also nice to have his support since I do all the meal planning and cooking during the week (and he's behind me 100% on not buying factory farmed meat, and trying to buy organic and local).
  • johnbigfella
    johnbigfella Posts: 24
    My Partner is the opposite, moans when i eat healthy, causes arguments if i try to go to the gym more than twice a wk!

    I work 2 jobs and try to fit exercise around my little boy, I started getting up at 6am to do cardio workouts before my baby wakes up maybe you can try something like that? As regards to the unhelpful partner i just switch off hah
  • SF2514
    SF2514 Posts: 794 Member
    My husband is super skinny, people actually call him skeletor haha. He is very supportive of me losing weight though. The worst"" he every says is, "Are you sure you want that second cream bar?". At which point I usually put it back because I know he is right haha. If he ever said anything like what your's said though, I would shoot him a death glare and tell him to shut his skinny butt up =). If he's not already helping with daily duties (house work, cooking, errands, etc.) you should get him started ASAP. It's not fair to put all the work on you and then criticize when you're understandably tired.
  • Barbellsandthimbles
    Barbellsandthimbles Posts: 205 Member
    My husband has always been thin. He eats like a horse but works out 5 days a week and works outside on the weekends. He always tries to encourage me, but it took a bit for him to figure out how to encourage me. He used to say "You shouldn't eat that" which would make me want to eat it all the more! Now he just says "Are you sure you want to eat that?" which makes me mull it over and usually make the better choice. He thought he was being encouraging the first way but learned quickly that didn't work for me. So, maybe you need just just explain what would help you be successful.
  • Onesnap
    Onesnap Posts: 2,819 Member
    Also, Subway puts the same chemical found in fertilizer in their bread to make it appear brown.

    If he wants to eat that highly processed salty food it's up to him.

    Someone can be thin and have horrible bloodwork at an annual physical.
  • Princess_Sameen
    Princess_Sameen Posts: 284 Member
    Frustrating as my partner can eat everything and anything and not even put on a lb! :explode:
    always eats a takeaway as well...and orders me some like he forgets ...then goes dont eat that I will...so have to watch him eat two take aways and notice no pounds are gained :noway: lool
  • sathor
    sathor Posts: 202 Member
    you are not him. From what you say, he must be using his calories. Sure, you said he is stick thin, but how tall is he? What do you mean by 'digging trails' ? To me, that means taking a shovel and leveling some ground, and that isn't pansy work. Also, just what does he do for a living? Sure, standing could mean he is a cashier, a waiter, or a freaking lumberjack. What does he eat at lunch? Sure the Chinese might be a double meal, but what was his lunch?
    Then again, maybe he likes you larger, and wants to discourage you from losing weight.
  • michelechavez
    michelechavez Posts: 56
    My husband's eating junk and never gaining weight turned around in his 50s, when he had a work-related accident and knee surgery. He's now 30+ pounds overweight and finally starting to recognize that he needs to stop drinking the sodas and pay attention to what and how much he is eating.

    Cause-and-effect is strict and eventually it does catch up with someone.
  • iiiEllie
    iiiEllie Posts: 224 Member
    It really sounds like you need to sit down and talk to him about how his habits and comments are effecting you.

    My boyfriend is all of 140 pounds and a size 28. He's tiny as heck and always has been, his 140 is the biggest he's been before and it's from working out. He's like yours, can eat anything he wants and ends up losing weight somehow. But we had a conversation and I told him that I need him to be supportive of what I'm eating, we figure our meals out together and usually prep them together as well.

    Your SO should be a support system, not a negative impact on what you're trying to accomplish for yourself.
  • Cheval13
    Cheval13 Posts: 350 Member

    I think I need to be selfish and kick him into gear and tell him straight that if I’m to go gym 4 days a week I need help around the house and HE needs to help out and pull his finger out before saying I'm lazy!!
  • cardiokitten
    cardiokitten Posts: 401 Member
    Sooo relevant, my boyfriend is a STICK and tries to be supportive but when he's like "You're not going to go to the gym today? I thought you really were serious about wanting to lose weight?" or "Don't complain to me if you don't want to log EVERY single thing you eat, even if it's 5 calories, you still need to log it, you're not dedicated!" anything like that I instantly want to blow up and him and be like "Shut up! You don't know anything! You eat like 3,000 calories a day, have a desk job and get home and play video games the entire night! UGH! ZIP IT!" I know he's trying to be supportive but just the fact that he's skinny and looks amazing without effort and then giving me tips just ticks me off because I'M the one that's reading up on all this fitness stuff and working out and eating what I'm supposed to and when I want to eat a thing of chocolate the last thing I need is his boney butt coming up and saying "Should you be eating that?"

    I guess the worst is that he refuses to do any sort of physical activity with me because he "knows he looks good." Yet he's sick 24/7, never has energy, is perpetually tired and achy. I've tried to tell him so many times that it doesn't matter what he looks like, he's clearly soo unhealthy and I want him to work out with me not because I *need* a partner but because I want to improve his health and well being, it's sooo frustrating. Fuuu skinny boyfriends! :(
  • miamigirl123
    miamigirl123 Posts: 16 Member
    Hey girl. I can totally understand why you're frustrated about this situation. A partner should be like a cheerleader and support you along the way. Maybe you can get him on board by finding an activity that both of you enjoy! We both started playing tennis recently, which is perfect for satisfying his manly desire to compete and be outdoors, but also a MAJOR calorie burn for me. It's so important to get him on board because men can unknowingly sabotage our weight loss goals with their freakishly high metabolisms!! Hope he shapes up soon!
  • Crochetluvr
    Crochetluvr Posts: 3,329 Member
    I said it before.....someone who has never had a weight problem cant identify with someone who does. My b/f is very fit and can eat anything....and a lot of it....and just burns it off. He has a naturally high metabolism and cant understand how people can get fat. He doesnt make negative comments to me but there isnt anything much he can say since he has no experience with it. Even his KIDS are all thin.

    Thats one reason I am here. Looking for other people who CAN identify and understand. It does help.
  • Cheval13
    Cheval13 Posts: 350 Member

    I think I need to be selfish and kick him into gear and tell him straight that if I’m to go gym 4 days a week I need help around the house and HE needs to help out and pull his finger out before saying I'm lazy!!


    I support this 100%. This is a journey for you and about you. If he hates you complaining, he needs to do more to make it so that you don't.
  • kathrynangelabaird
    kathrynangelabaird Posts: 53
    Sounds like there's a LOT more important issues here than the guy's BMI... My fiance is very slim/lean, but he tells me he knows how important it is to me to exercise, and backs it up by coming to the gym with me or even making (healthy) dinner if I'm going to be out later.

    It sounds like you're both frustrated in your current situation. Have you tried talking to him about how you could redistribute your schedule and housework to give you some time to exercise?

    I try to speak to him about it but he's not really someone to talk to about it as he's never been fat and doesn't understand the frustrations I get from him saying "you just need to do this and that" cause actually putting it into action is the hardest part as I get no support there.
    He's a brilliant boyfriend but when it comes to weight and exercise it's something after 4 years I really DON'T feel comfortable talking to him about.
    I'm scared to be the "fat" girlfriend.

    I told him straight last night, no more Chinese, McDonalds, Subways or anything as if he has it in the house or makes me go there I will want to eat it! so it's a no go now.
  • mommy2ajs
    mommy2ajs Posts: 1,319 Member
    My husband who is 6'2" is also skinny was around 150 when we got married 8 years ago. After moved back to Canada and he got an office job where he put on 25 lbs. But on him it looks healthy of course he should actually work out which he doesn't but he also doesn't eat unhealthy unless I make cookies, cakes or ice cream for the kids. My goal right now is to weight less than what he ways currently.
  • WhitneyAnnabelle
    WhitneyAnnabelle Posts: 724 Member
    Give them all 10-15 years. 85% of them will have it catch up to them. Metabolism is a *****. Plus, even though they're thin, they're not necessarily healthy. To me, that's so much more important.
  • Sharyn913
    Sharyn913 Posts: 777 Member
    There are three sides to every story. Yours, his and the truth. I am not there so I can only go off of what you say. Do you constantly gripe about your weight and come off insecure? If so, than I can understand him making those comments. For myself, personally, I would then indulge once in a while when he is not around, LOL. As far as making the time to go to the gym or work out, it's all about your priorities and how you delegate your time. My husband is out the door before me in the morning, and comes home later. I work full time M-F and we have a toddler that goes to day care. I also tend to the house. My husband does the manly things to fix the place up, while I do the womanly tasks like keeping it clean. I am up M-F by 5:15am, out the door by 5:30, get home from the gym by 6:45-7am, shower/hair/makeup and generally COOK breakfast for the family, get dressed/toddler dressed and out the door by 8:15am to drop off my son and get to work by 8:45am. It's a little stressful at times in the morning, but if you are motivated, you can do it. I also 1-2x a week do the laundry in the morning while breakfast is cooking. If you don't have time to go to the gym, you can always YOUTUBE some JM videos to watch and do from home. Or walk/jog/run around the neighborhood. Just stay moving!
  • ItsMeRebekah
    ItsMeRebekah Posts: 909 Member
    Sounds like he was a bit harsh. Perhaps hes tired of hearing abt it? My ole man wont gain weight if he ate 24/7 every bad food under the sun. No they dont understand what it is like. But yes, they can get tired of hearing us talk abt it (myself included).. Mine always tells me i harp on it too much. That HE thinks i look good and i need to accept myself a little more and love myself how i am, even if i am working to make changes. That being said hes pretty good at encouraging me abt my goals and helping me get there... Also I have tried to not talk to him abt it so much and its made things smoother for us.
  • ItsMeRebekah
    ItsMeRebekah Posts: 909 Member
    oh yea and also there some special reason that you have to do all the work?
    that screams "not equal" to me and you are setting yourself up for a lot worse in the future if thats how things roll.
  • kathrynangelabaird
    kathrynangelabaird Posts: 53
    My husband's eating junk and never gaining weight turned around in his 50s, when he had a work-related accident and knee surgery. He's now 30+ pounds overweight and finally starting to recognize that he needs to stop drinking the sodas and pay attention to what and how much he is eating.

    Cause-and-effect is strict and eventually it does catch up with someone.

    My partner had 2 knee operations and he stayed thin eating the same rubbish he did then!
  • kathrynangelabaird
    kathrynangelabaird Posts: 53
    you are not him. From what you say, he must be using his calories. Sure, you said he is stick thin, but how tall is he? What do you mean by 'digging trails' ? To me, that means taking a shovel and leveling some ground, and that isn't pansy work. Also, just what does he do for a living? Sure, standing could mean he is a cashier, a waiter, or a freaking lumberjack. What does he eat at lunch? Sure the Chinese might be a double meal, but what was his lunch?
    Then again, maybe he likes you larger, and wants to discourage you from losing weight.

    He works as a rapid injection moulder and shifts about machines and metal all day long.
    he tends to go subway or Maccys for lunch as he only has half an hour lunch, every so often he'll get sarnies and crisps etc for lunch.
  • carolinenorthrup
    carolinenorthrup Posts: 34 Member
    My husband is also naturally stick skinny. It was definitely frustrating at first because he would try to give me advice but I felt the same way as you: how can I take advice from someone who doesn't know what they're talking about? So I set him straight. I told him: When I'm working out and eating healthy, tell me I'm doing a good job. But when I'm not exercising or chose to eat junk food, you don't need to remind me of what I'm doing - I ALREADY KNOW.

    It wasn't an overnight solution. We've had the conversation several times, but I think it worked. He's much better now. He has adjusted our meals (he cooks) based on my caloric budget, and doesn't say anything when I indulge. He'll even try a new workout with me or go for a run with me sometimes, but he doesn't particularly enjoy it so I don't expect him to keep up with it.

    Communication and compromise have been the key.
  • BecomingElle
    BecomingElle Posts: 112 Member
    Skinny and healthy/fit are not always the same thing! I think he needs a wake-up call. For me, I could never have a romantic partner talk to me like that.

    Talk to him how this is about a new way of life, and he is part of your life. Maybe it would be easier if you started eating more of the same meals? Maybe he could become healthier too? :)
  • kathrynangelabaird
    kathrynangelabaird Posts: 53
    He's just a hard person to talk to. He's like a wall when it comes to feelings (few past problems) and I guess it's my life to put into my hands but I need to him support me and not shout at me.

    In a minute I'm going to draw up a daily/weekly chart and seperate into who does what (feel like a kid sorting out the chores!!)
  • imoquenn
    imoquenn Posts: 22 Member
    Those kind of statements like, "You'll never lose weight if..." are not encouraging. There's a difference between providing encouragement and saying things that are dismissive and hurtful. That kind of behaviour, I would argue, makes you MORE inclined to binge eat, because it triggers an emotional response. You get hurt, defensive, and find you care less.

    It's really, really easy to punish yourself for every slip-up you make. That's how people in general come to view weight loss, it seems. Remember to reward every victory, too. Every time you exercise, every cookie you refuse, that's a tiny victory and that should be celebrated. And if your partner isn't going to, you should. Maybe make yourself a little chart of tiny victories. If you stick with it, you will be amazed at how much it grows and how quickly - how many times a day you have to face a little obstacle towards health and overcome it.
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