Forever Fat? You Are What You Think

Searching through the racks at Ross I youst to daydream about someday being able to slip on a nice pair of size 12 jeans. I honestly beleived that if I ever got there I would be 100% content, it was the magic size that would make life okay and dreams come true (dillusional? Maybe, but real to me). However, the picture in my head of what me as a size 12 would look like wasnt quite reality. Once I got to a size 12 I was over the moon for a few weeks, feeling like "wow" I am not "fat"anymore. That feeling quickly faded when I realized that when looking in the mirror I was still "fat". So... I kept going and made my way down to a size 10 or so, depending on the jeans.Even a 9 if im really lucky. However, like before, the person I see in the mirror isnt much different than my 50+ pound heavier self. The rolls might be smaller and the dimples might not be as deep but they are still very much alive and well, clinging for dear life to my chubby mom thighs.

This process has had what I would like to call the whiplash effect and anyone who has never been "big" could never truly understand, at least not from the same perspective anyway. You see, one day I feel like a million dollars, I see so much positive change and feel encouraged, even smokin hot now and then (Can't touch this! Dun nun nun,Hammer Time). This is all well and good but it is generally short lived and followed by a day or two, or four where I look in the mirror and see nothing but a gigantic blob of stinky cottage cheese failure (If you catch my drift). I may not be "as fat" but I am still far from where I want to be. I am the thinnest I have ever been since 8th grade, whatever age that was. I can't say I am in the best shape because I swam competatively, was a lifeguard and did play some sports. I have always been blessed in the muscle department which means bulking up isnt a problem. That being said I have never even been a thin heavy. I literally look better now than in high school; I can honestly say that the only real life flat stomach I have ever experienced was probably as a newborn and even then it was a jolly round melon ( fortunately for me baby fat is cute fat, wait I was never a chubby baby, what happened?!?!)

ANYWAYS

I should be ecstatic and on any given day I just might be, but those down days, boy are they down.This isnt just a matter of inches or miles its a mental transformation. I know this, I understand this, but that doesnt mean I have it licked just yet. I imagine that anyone in my shoes understands my emotional roller coaster, people who have never been thin or fully toned have no idea what to expect. We have been judged by our weight our entire lives, we have never experienced being the "hot girl" or guy.I suppose that for a mom of four most people would see me as normal and maybe they dont even see me for my weight anymore, but years of conditioning equates that automatic assumption. All that being said, I am not on this journey for anyone but myself, sure it is nice to think that someday I might be admired for my looks alone but my motivation is so much deeper than that. I want to know what it feels like to look in the mirror and be proud of what I see, maybe, just maybe because I have never had that chance I will appreciate it so much more once im there (If I allow it to happen, mentally that is!).

I ponder all of these success stories and catch myself saying "you could never do that, you could never be one of them", ive even wondered if they are really, real. However, I have lost a ton and I have changed pretty drastically, I am a walking success story, The battle is with the mind not the mirror. I am still not in the healthy BMI range and my body fat percentage isnt where it should be so it isnt illogical that I need to continue my journey, but it is illogical not to acknowledge my success. Thus, the war rages on with 29 years of thoughts and experience that dont match my identity anymore. I aspire to be encouraged by others who have or are sitting where I am sitting and I hope to be an encouragment by the time it is all said and done. People tell me allof the time, dont think that way, you look great, dont be so negative and that is the first sign that they have never lived my life. Its not just a simple state of being, it dictates a persons life whether they want it to or not. The key is to control in what way.You are what you think, and thats a fact. I choose to change the way I think....one second, one minute, one hour, and one day at a time. WHO'S WITH ME? Let's DO THIS!

P.S.I never feel like it is okay to write, like it makes me self-absorbed or inflated, I appreciate that I finally have a place where I feel free to do what I love most without fear of being judged or it being misinterpreted, its a real blessing!

XOXO Mom on A Mission