How to deal..

MUByM
MUByM Posts: 208
in Chit-Chat
with a husband that is emotionally and verbally abusive? He puts me down because I don't have a job but has no problem accepting the bill money I give him when I get my unemployment every 2 weeks. He makes almost 4x what I make in a month but I still help with what I can. I buy our son what he needs, pay his medical insurance, his toys, clothes. Groceries are bought by me and anything else is bought by me. By the time I finish paying bills and buying what we need, I end up with about $20. When I end up with more I take our family to eat or out to have family time. Does he do that when he has money? Once in a while, after a lot of b*tching from me. He says he has no money but keeps buying crap for the car and buying video games. He never says here have some money since you ended up with nothing. Anniversary and Mother's day passed and did I get anything? Nope. Not even a happy anniversary or happy mother's day. When it was his moms birthday last month and his dads this month, he ran out and spent a bunch of money on gifts and custom cakes. I get that they are his parents but what am I? ****? He tells me that I can't use the car unless I put gas in it. If I use any of the gas he put then I have to put it back. When I have money to fill it up then I do and when I don't have enough to fill it up I put what I can. To top it off he told me to get a bus pass for when I need to go somewhere. Are you kidding me.

We have gotten in so many arguments over all of this and he refuses to see things my way. He says I don't have a voice until I make more money then him. That I have no right to speak about money or what he does with it because my unemployment money isn't real money, that real money is money you get from a job.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I need some advice please!

Replies

  • ShareeMorty
    ShareeMorty Posts: 324 Member
    Short answer - you leave.

    I was in an abusive relationship for years, it ain't gunna get better I am sorry. It took me a long time to realise that someone who emotionally, verbally or physically abuses you doesn't love you. Love doesn't make you feel like less of a person. I know it is harder to get out when you have kids and you think you have no options but you really do. Trust me you and your son will be much happier if you are not living in this situation. Make sure if you do leave you do it safely, get help from male friends or relatives so it doesn't turn nasty.

    If you still aren't ready to leave, check out your local women's refuge and see if they have counselling available that you can use to help you work out what you want and how to cope.

    I did couples counselling with my abusive ex, he refused to go more than twice and I kept on going and eventually found the strength to leave. Believe me when I say he is highly unlikely to change, most of these guys go from one woman to the next treating them all the same, I was the 4th and I am sure not the last.

    Good luck to you and message me if you need someone to talk to.
    Kia Kaha
  • yo_sushi
    yo_sushi Posts: 77
    He sounds like a weapons grade bellend.
    I guess it's dificult 'cos you obviously love the guy, you wouldn't be married otherwise right? But seriously, you have to earn more than him?! what a ****.
    My wife doesn't work, she had to quit to look after our daughter who has autism, we have 3 other kids (yes I know I'm a machine), and any money she brings in is treated with as much respect as my paycheck. She probably works harder than I do most days, it's not all sitting on the couch watching TV, she keeps the house tidy, I never have to sort my clothes out, she takes care of that, overall she keeps 4 kids, and one fully grown kid in clean clothes and a clean house, and fed. And I have the utmost respect for her for that.
    You deserve to be treated with some respect, and it's not based on your income, it's based on who you are as a human being. don't take that sht from anyone, you're worth more than that.
  • kateevans42
    kateevans42 Posts: 1
    Honey, looking at your photo, I think you are on the wrong forum. You don't need to lose weight - you need to lose a bully.

    Ask yourself some questions.
    Do you sit around all day or are you an active homemaker and mother ?
    How easy is it to get a job and still be around for your son ?
    If you were ill how much would it cost to pay a cleaner / cook / have your laundry done / child care for your son?
    Maybe your contribution to the family isn't paid but does that make it worthless ?

    Write down what you spend your money on and what your husband provides. Work out what percentage of income that $20 is to you. Guess what percentage your husband has for himself when he's paid his bills. Does it seem fair ?

    Decide whether you want to carry on feeling unhappy; make changes and save your marriage or find another path in life. There's a lot of us around who stayed longer than we should have and wonder why we didn't listen to the advice sooner. If both partners work on changes it can be a great new start and you can capture the beauty of that -in love - just married state but if one partner wants to change and the other doesn't there's some hard choices to make.

    Get some counselling or find another chat forum for support and put yourself and your son first.

    Best wishes - I'm here if you want someone to talk to.
    Kate

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