I actually cried yesterday!

I didn't cry because I was sad. No, I cried because I just realized that my brain likes to tell me that if I skip a workout or two, I'm going to wake up the next morning and the 100lbs, I've worked so hard to lose will be 'right back where they belong.' What is wrong with me?

I guess I should start from the beginning. I was also the 'fat kid,' then I hit university and lost about 40lbs in one summer because going out with friends was more important than eating. That summer I worked as a housekeeper in a hotel (which is actual very physically demanding, but it paid my way through uni and paid for my first car.) I would wake up, go to work, come home and maybe have a piece of toast, then go out with friends all night (I also smoked...a lot.) Not only did I lose weight, I lost half my hair, my skin got so bad (I'm still dealing with horrible acne scarring) and my relationship with my parents went in the crapper! (I was not a nice person to be around, I was a horrible snot and so rude to them with no reason to be.)

I am no longer friends with any of those people because I 'saw the light' and realized that they had a fair amount to do with the way I was acting, and I didn't like the person I was becoming, so I buckled down and focused on school, got my degree and a 2 year diploma.

Fast forward to the present. I was in the process of doing a C25k over the winter, and I came down wrong on my knee and the pain just radiated though my body. I figured I'd just take some time off running and focus on strength training. Then, last week, I started running again, and within a few days my knee was hurting again. (I've always had bad knees, they carried a lot of weight for a lot of years) I went to the doctor and she said there was some left knee strain and now I get to go to physio, yippee.

Enough of that tangent, back to why I was crying. I was on the treadmill yesterday, and my knee was feeling okay, so I started going a little faster, then the pain came and my brain started to laugh at me. It kept saying 'you're not going to be able to finish your workout, and tomorrow when you wake up you'll be back at 280lbs!!' And I cried, but it never occurred to me to stop the treadmill and get off, I cried as I walked, and guess what....it shut my brain up. Call it determination, call it stubbornness, but I was not getting off the treadmill because I was crying! I'm a smart girl, with a good education and logically I know that it would take some time to put those 100lbs back on, but the fear is still there in the back of my mind. I'm sure I'm not the only one with insecurities like these. Being a young women whose life is finally on track, I'm allowed to have some insecurities, right?

Thank you to all who took the time to read this, it was my way of venting my anger I still feel towards that fat kid I occasionally still see in the mirror.