How do you deal...

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EmCarroll1990
EmCarroll1990 Posts: 2,849 Member
in Chit-Chat
With two families?

Yours and your SO's. I mean, for singular holidays such as Father's or Mother's Day. I find it extremely stressful to try and please both sides. One side plans events wayyy ahead, while the other (being mine) plans things last minute. Last minute never used to bother me as I'm a last minute person too. But it definitely bothers the other half.

Any others?
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  • twistofcain
    twistofcain Posts: 190
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    It is tough. There for awhile my wife's family wanted us down for every single holiday since I guess stole Ashley and moved here a million miles away(code for 5 hours away). Now that we have our own family, we just have to much **** to load up to make every holiday.

    Now we usually take a week vacation down there once a year and go for Christmas since I get a week off for that as well.
  • _Stampede_
    _Stampede_ Posts: 66
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    We stopped traveling for father's day and mother's day. Other big holidays alternate every year. One fam gets christmas, one gets thanksgiving, then we switch. We include our house in the rotation as well. Everything stays even and we stay relatively stress free. When grandma starts pouting about not seeing the kids, we always make it a point to remind them that they can come over and pick them up anytime and take them for the weekend...we can use the break.

    Dealing with dual families gets really easy when you stop worrying about everyone else and only think of yourself.
  • raindance_maggie
    raindance_maggie Posts: 150
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    meh, the only annoying one is mother's day because my mom is a mom (duh) but so am i and i realy dont want to be traveling 45 minutes on a sunday and for some god forsaken reason my sisters do and always plan something and im like really, you guys are moms too, apparently im just the asshat that likes to sit home and do nothing any chance she gets...

    so i didnt go this year and guess what, my mom was okay with that -- cause she gets it...frick, she had me and then twins nine years later...she knows how exhausting this mother hood sh it can get...

    but otherwise, we are a small family and only live about 30 mins away from each other at the most so we pick a house each year and rotate them to "host" the holiday...
  • jdaniels52509
    jdaniels52509 Posts: 33
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    It's not the easiest thing to do but you have to put your foot down. He love and cares for his family as much as you do yours. My hubby and I do every thing every other year. But mothers day and fathers day are holidays that we don't spend with either.
  • lil_pulp
    lil_pulp Posts: 701 Member
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    My husband's solution is to plan events at our house and invite both sides (this is 4 sets of parents, as we both have stepparents). I hate this because it's a lot of work and stress for me, but I like it because he feels happy and everyone is included (if they want to be).
  • Bentley2718
    Bentley2718 Posts: 1,690 Member
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    We live far away from both of our families, so for "little" holidays we're off the hook. For the winter holidays, every year we have this whole, uncomfortable, unpleasant discussion about who we're going to visit (my mom, his mom, or his dad).
  • fittiephd
    fittiephd Posts: 608 Member
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    We try to split as evenly as we can... Mine is even more complicated as I have divorced parents, so I already have had to deal with split holidays my whole life and now I have to split them one more way!

    This year is the first year that my boyfriend and I have spent all holidays together, previously as we were in college, we would just each go to respective homes for certain holidays. Although, his family is in PA and mine is in CT/RI, and currently we're in Boston, so we do see my family more often.

    Christmas is the most hectic.. Luckily we have a system that works well, although it requires a lot of driving on our part. His family traditionally has a big celebration on Christmas Eve (dinner of the seven fishes, it's an italian thing) so this past year, we drove to PA on the 23nd, went to NY with them for the xmas eve dinner, then after dinner we drive to my Mom's house and spent christmas morning with my Mom's side. This is a big deal to me because I have young siblings (9, 6, and 1) so christmas morning is still special with them believing in Santa and all. Because my parents are divorced, it has been tradition to have "christmas morning" all over again the next morning at my dad's house. So we have xmas dinner at my moms and then that night we drive to RI and have xmas morning again at my dads. Then back home because we have to work on the 27th!! haha. It's so hectic.

    Thanksgiving we spent with his family because we spend christmas day with my family... Easter we spent with my family because they're closer so we just took a short trip home.. This year we spent Mother's day with his family because my graduation was the next weekend so I celebrated with my Mom that weekend. This year we are spending Father's day with his family because it's the only open weekend that his family could throw his cousin's graduation party that we could go to, so they scheduled it so we could visit. Also we are going on vacation with my father in two weeks so we'll celebrate Father's day with him then.

    I think it has to be a give and take. everyone has to compromise, if everyone lives near each other it's not as difficult to see two families in one day. Another good thing to keep in mind is that in a few years you'll probably have a family of your own so you'll probably not visit your extended family as you'll be celebrating with your own new family. Do what makes you happy and take turns!
  • digitalbill
    digitalbill Posts: 1,410 Member
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    Leave town.
    My parents got divorced when I was quite young and some of the most stress filled moments in my life was thanksgiving/Christmas and deciding where I was going to go.
    Once I was in the Army, the choice was simple. Neither.
    Best holidays I ever had.

    Tell both famlies that you are spending the holidays with each other and you will call them.
  • Oliviamarie05
    Oliviamarie05 Posts: 528 Member
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    This sounds like my family and my fiances. They plan things very last minute while mine, a rather large family, plans months in advance and has their days and holidays all planned.

    If there are conflicting dates, like during Christmas, we just go seperate ways. I go see my family, he sees his and then we will visit them both over the next few days.

    After we're married in August, we plan on cutting back on both sides and making our own holiday traditions. Good luck :)
  • jfan175
    jfan175 Posts: 812 Member
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    Do your best to see all the family on the holidays. We used to go through the same turmoil, trying to see both mine and my wife's families on all the holidays. My parents and and my wife's father all passed away relatively young, and the photos and memories of those holidays are all that is left. My siblings live out of town, and they now spend the holidays with their in-laws....so we no longer have the big family holiday feasts. Enjoy them while you can.
  • diddyk
    diddyk Posts: 269 Member
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    I have 3. My divorced parents (with SO's) and my SO parents. Father's Day & Mother's Day aren't too bad, then there's only 2. Christmas, Thanksgiving etc are a nightmare as it means we drive around the province non stop for a weekend. It would be to easy if they all lived close by. They're all about 2 hours from my SO and I...and 4 hours from each other.
  • jenj1313
    jenj1313 Posts: 898 Member
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    Alternate.
  • valeriebpdx
    valeriebpdx Posts: 499 Member
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    We sit at home and enjoy the family we created. If a relative is in town or wants to come see us on a holiday, they're always invited--I will cook and bake something lovely. My mom died when I was in my 20s, it becomes a holiday any time I get to see my lovely sister, and there is no one else on either side worth flying on Dec 23 for. I firmly believe kids should wake up in their own house on Christmas (and not have to jump in the car 20 mins after opening all their presents to drive to someone else's house). It's pretty liberating to just own it--we won't be there. Ever.
  • Amber82479
    Amber82479 Posts: 629 Member
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    I totally understand. I'm an advance planner, my husband's family is definitely NOT. Though, on the up side, our families usually do the same thing every year, so we've mostly found a routine. For Mother's Day, we each visit our Mom's separately. For Father's day, we hang out with my Dad, because Kirk's dad lives out of state. For holidays, we usually do a 1:00ish meal with my family, because it's just my parents and they'd eat alone otherwise, and then we spend a few hours with his family just hanging out and grazing. Now that we have our a big house, I also try to have a couple holidays at our place, that way we can stay home and have our families come to us. Best of luck!
  • tomomatic
    tomomatic Posts: 1,794 Member
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    I have their grand kids. I make them come to me for all the major holidays.

    For Fathers day or Mothers day, we come from a restaurant family so it's one of the busiest work days of the year. I am always able to take my mom or dad out the week before or after. Plus, my parents hate crowds. We'd rather celebrate everything late if it means avoiding a big 60 minute wait for a table.
  • NiciS72
    NiciS72 Posts: 1,043 Member
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    I made a stance the first year we were together as my parents live 3.5 hours away and his about an hour. I told them ALL we would alternate holidays each year. If we spent Mother's Day with mine then Father's Day that year was with his family. Same thing for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, 4th of July, Memorial Day, Labor Day, etc. His mother actually had the balls to complain one year that we were ALWAYS at my folks. I shut her stupid pity party up by putting together a list of the holidays for the previous 3 years and where we had spent them. It actually showed we'd been at their house more often than my folks. My husband disliked (she's now deceased) his mother and I actually had to push him to be civil and go to functions at his parents house. I REFUSE to do the 2-3 houses on one day thing for holidays. It's my time off too and I want to enjoy it. My family understands and his does (except for his mother).

    Stand your ground and don't stress yourself out. If it helps, pre-plan the next year holidays on where you will spend them. For us after 15 years of BS we pretty much spend time alone except Christmas and Thanksgiving!
  • tcunbeliever
    tcunbeliever Posts: 8,219 Member
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    I don't have that issue because my husband's family is half way accross the country. However, my sister handles it by designating certain holidays for certain families, and then only splitting a few of them. For instance, she does Easter with one family, Christmas Eve with one family, Christmas day with one family. She splits thanksgiving, but you could divide it up any way you want as long as you communicate it everyone should be ok with it.

    If the SO family planned things well in advance, couldn't you just let your family know what your availability is and let them plan accordingly?
  • sarahharmintx
    sarahharmintx Posts: 868 Member
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    My parents got divorced right after I got married. So I went from having one family to deal with (actually 2 if you count each side) to having 3+. Its a mess.

    So to answer your question, lots of planning and lots of planning. Even for those that are last minute people. I am a planner and if you want to see my family, get on board with the plan.
  • LoraF83
    LoraF83 Posts: 15,694 Member
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    This is becoming more and more of a problem for us over the years! We have too many family dinners to attend: my parents, his parents and siblings, his dad's parents, his mom's parents, my extended family, etc. Every holiday, we are expected to balance this all out. And buy presents for everyone.

    We used to drive ourselves crazy trying to be everywhere, but since we had our daughter, I've started putting my foot down a little more each year. We don't leave our house before late afternoon on Christmas Day (grandparents are welcome to visit before that). We only buy presents for children. Some holidays we don't go anywhere.....or we might go out of town (spent Easter at a water park!). Holidays can be celebrated AFTER the fact (Mother's Day a week late or Christmas on New Year's Eve).

    We try to make it work, but I'm of the opinion, that if we have to miss, then we have to miss. I only worry about getting to the events where my daughter gets to see her grandparents and cousins. That's what's important these days.
  • AliciaNorris81
    AliciaNorris81 Posts: 185 Member
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    With us it is the opposite. I have a huge family (24 of us just in the immediate part!) and we require very advanced and strategic planning to get things going.

    His family will wait until the DAY BEFORE :explode: and send a text message "Hey, we are getting together for *blah blah blah*". :huh:

    We are both self-employed, so if we don't work we don't get paid. Recently his side of the family (3 weeks before said vacation) wanted everyone to pitch in for a week in North Carolina. There was not a way financially we could have prepared for that.

    We finally had to tell his family that if they do not give us at least a months notice for get-togethers and 3 months for vacations, we will not guarantee we will be there.

    This last Christmas, they changed the date of our gathering 4 times. :grumble: Then were upset when we couldn't stay for more than an hour (it was on a weekday!).

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