Lawyer Jokes...

gchutson
gchutson Posts: 657
edited December 2024 in Chit-Chat
**edited by MFP moderator**

This is one I coined:

"Two lawyers walk into a bar. They sue bar's owner for setting it so low."

Your favorite?

Replies

  • CherokeeBabe
    CherokeeBabe Posts: 1,704 Member
    Good one. :D
  • Gunnarbear
    Gunnarbear Posts: 186
    What's the difference between a lawyer and a snake laying dead in the middle of the road? The snake has skid marks in front of it.
  • kymillion
    kymillion Posts: 791 Member
    What's the difference between a lawyer and a snake laying dead in the middle of the road? The snake has skid marks in front of it.
    bahah.
  • kymillion
    kymillion Posts: 791 Member
    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
    A: A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
  • gchutson
    gchutson Posts: 657
    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
    A: A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.

    Ha.
  • kymillion
    kymillion Posts: 791 Member
    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
    A: A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.

    Ha.

    Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
    A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
  • kymillion
    kymillion Posts: 791 Member
    Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
    A. A Lobotomy.
  • Gunnarbear
    Gunnarbear Posts: 186
    How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?

    Depends on how thin you slice them...
  • kymillion
    kymillion Posts: 791 Member
    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
    A: A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.

    Ha.

    hey no one said you were a quitter that's a good thing :D
  • gchutson
    gchutson Posts: 657
    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
    A: A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.

    Ha.

    Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
    A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

    HAHAHAHAHA... That one is awesome!
  • AndiJoy812
    AndiJoy812 Posts: 236
    The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

    1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.

    2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.

    3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.

    4. There are some things even a rat won't do.
  • tmos512
    tmos512 Posts: 119 Member
    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
    A: One's a scum-sucking bottom dweller and the other's a fish.
  • Meg177
    Meg177 Posts: 215 Member
    bump
  • kymillion
    kymillion Posts: 791 Member
    Yes!


    A gorgeous blonde and a hot-shot lawyer are sitting first class right next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, who is tired, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " the lawyer continues. "Your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references but he can't find an answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and googles it, but he still has no answer. Frustrated, he instant messages all his friends and coworkers, which turns out to be no help at all. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
  • gchutson
    gchutson Posts: 657
    Yes!


    A gorgeous blonde and a hot-shot lawyer are sitting first class right next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, who is tired, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " the lawyer continues. "Your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references but he can't find an answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and googles it, but he still has no answer. Frustrated, he instant messages all his friends and coworkers, which turns out to be no help at all. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

    Hahahah.
  • kymillion
    kymillion Posts: 791 Member
    Q: If you drop a lawyer & a (fill in the blank of any other profession you're not fond of...IRS Agent, TV Preacher, etc.)at exactly the same momemt, which one hits the pavement first?

    A: Do you really care??!!!
  • snoopytwins
    snoopytwins Posts: 1,759 Member
    Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
    A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
    Hahahahaha!
  • chanson104
    chanson104 Posts: 859
    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
  • kymillion
    kymillion Posts: 791 Member
    Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids...I just don't get it."

    "Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"

    "Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.

    "Hm. Well, where do you catch 'em?"

    "Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."

    "Same here. Hm. How do you catch 'em?"

    "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the **** out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

    "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the **** out of a lawyer, there's nothing' left but lips and a briefcase."

    BOW!
  • JediMindfck
    JediMindfck Posts: 73 Member
    Q: Why do people become lawyers?

    A: Because they don't have enough personality to become accountants.

    Boom-Tishhhhhhh!
  • gchutson
    gchutson Posts: 657
    Q: Why do people become lawyers?

    A: Because they don't have enough personality to become accountants.

    Boom-Tishhhhhhh!

    Oh, that one hurt. Because it's true.
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