Needing Help With A Break-Up

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kaylasue_mustlose
kaylasue_mustlose Posts: 27
in Motivation and Support
Very recently out of a three year relationship that has been an awful ride. It has left me feeling pretty depressed and down about life in general. I think it hurts more that I know that he was such a bad guy and that he still doesn't want to be with me...The worst part is that up until today he had just kept telling me that he "didn't know" if he wanted things to work or not...So of course I was holding onto every little thing he was saying thinking ok maybe tomorrow...maybe tomorrow...maybe tomorrow...and then today I finally told him it has to be one way or the other...and well you can guess what he chose...all the while telling me that really he didn't know but since I was forcing him to choose he would just end it since I was being "unreasonable"....Things were so great in the beginning ( like every relationship right?) and then we moved in together and lived there for about 6 months----it was his idea to move there...about 3 hours from where we lived and I did want to move just on a little bit smarter terms...and he left me there when things got "real" and we were having to pay bills and he couldn't just spend, spend, spend. And then I moved back here for him and we had this whole plan to save money and move in together here..we were both going to get back in school, blah, blah, blah...the whole plan. So I was working full time and going to school full time and picked Nursing so that I could have my RN in two years and be making good money because I thought all of those decisions were going to help mend this relationship. (Graduate in December with my LPN!) I was really sticking to the plan we had. And then in February he told me that he was moving in with one of his friends...plan over. And once again I was being "unreasonable" and we "couldn't afford to live together" but somehow he is affording to live there obviously. I could name 20 girls that he has facebook messaged trying to hook up with...two girls that I know of that he has slept in bed with during our relationship...and the list goes on and on. He has went to three weddings and not invited me to one. I mean I literally bought his Mother's day present for him to give to his Mom because the Saturday before Mother's Day he had went out with a bunch of his friends and spent all of his money and couldn't afford to get her something....I mean there are SO many stories just like that where I have ALWAYS had his back and he has never had mine. Of course I have faults in the relationship, too...He says I "*****" too much and try to be his Mom and literally the other day he said "He wants to do what he wants to do plain and simple" and that I am being too controlling by trying to get him back in school, to have a better job, to save money, and on and on....I know you are reading this thinking OK WAKE UP AND MOVE ON. But I am still so upset about this all and I don't know why. I know I need to move on. I should have a long time ago probably but I was just coming on here to maybe read some of your posts about old relationships that had ended and made you feel this way and now you are so happy to have moved on. I will listen to any advice...

Replies

  • lizzardsm
    lizzardsm Posts: 271 Member
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    Don't fret! IT WILL GET BETTER!! I know it feels terrible right now but eventually you'll knock some sense into yourself and you'll re-read this post and happily think to yourself - I'M SO GLAD HE WALKED AWAY. You may not feel like you have the strength right now to realize it but YOU are the good one here. You're working on improving yourself and your life. You tried to make a better life for the two of you and he wasn't ready/willing/able/etc. You've got your head on straight and now it's time to start valuing yourself as the great person that you are. Keep strong. Lean on your friends. They'll hopefully smack some sense into you too. And the best part is... Once you understand what a bad situation that was (and I mean really internalize it), you'll be able to recognize those bad situations from a mile away. :)
  • shbretired
    shbretired Posts: 320 Member
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    The unknown is frightening yes, but unfortunately he's too selfish and immature to continue the plan.

    There is someone out there who will be good to you, keep working and cut ties with this one that is trying to drag you down.
    YOU are worthy of so much more!

    Believe it!
  • kelseyhere
    kelseyhere Posts: 1,123 Member
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    Hi Kayla. I'm glad that you got rid of this guy, he doesn't seem like he was doing anything for you. You've got your head on straight, working and going to school. I worked my way through school too and I know that is not easy, so congrats to you for doing that, all with a crappy BF in tow.

    You are allowed to be upset, you did spend three years with this person. I'm sure there were some good times too, and it's ok to feel sad about that. I think your just stuck in a rut and the feeling will pass, you just have to be patient. In the mean time the best thing to do is keep yourself busy. Since you're on MFP the first thing I'll suggest is working out! Sign up for a new class at the gym you've been wanting to try, or maybe try a yoga class. Pick something new that pushes you just a little bit out of your comfort zone. It's good to challenge yourself every once in a while and it's also a great way to build confidence. If you don't go to a gym I'll suggest meetup.com. There are many fitness related meet-ups from everything to hiking to hula hooping that you can try. I've done a few hiking ones in my area and there are always cute guys. I'm not saying that should be your only motivation to attend, but checking out a little eye candy never hurt.

    Secondly, don't turn down any invitations! Sometimes when you are fresh out of a relationship all you feel like doing is staying home and moping, but that's the worst thing to do. Go to everything, even if it's just your Grandma inviting you to bingo. It will keep your mind off of things and you might meet a new friend, or discover a new activity you really like.

    Another thing I will suggest is call some of your old pals. When we are relationships we sometimes distance ourselves from friends, so you should get on the phone see what they are up to, and set a date to catch up over lunch. Surrounding yourself with people who do have you back will remind you that you are worth it.

    Also, volunteering is a nice way to get your confidence back up. I was going through a pretty rough patch for a while when I found a opportunity to read to the kids at a local preschool. Seeing those kids every week helped so much and kept me from slipping further. They were always happy to see me and it felt good to have something to offer them. When you get in a crappy relationship that gives you no validation it's easy forget your self worth. Volunteering can help restore that sense of purpose. Since you are planning on being a nurse, it will also look great on your resume when you graduate :)

    Be strong and use this time to better yourself. It sounds like you've been pretty busy doing stuff for him for a while, so now focus on you!! Do all the things you love that make you happy. I know it's cliche, but it will get better. Chin up Kayla!! I see a pretty smile in that picture that you need to share with the world :)
  • punkypenny
    punkypenny Posts: 99 Member
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    I have been in this very same relationship and I will tell you that this guy just wants to have his cake and eat it too. He has this entitlement complex, right? He manipulates you in to feeling guilty so he can do whatever he wants and still have you waiting on him. You are not being unreasonable, he just wants to make you feel that way. I'm so sorry you are going though this because I know exactly how you feel. The good news is you will move on and you will be so grateful that you didn't spend anymore of your precious time on him.
  • stratusofkiser
    stratusofkiser Posts: 54 Member
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    Im sorry your in pain over this. Its always hard at a break up, but you are going to have a better life now. Keep your head up, know you deserve better and when your not even looking your "prince charming" will be in front of you. Been there done that and life gets better once you rid yourself of negative people :) Wish you the best of luck! :flowerforyou:
  • Anthyitis
    Anthyitis Posts: 43 Member
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    A little over two months ago, I got out of a relationship with a guy who sounds almost as selfish and immature as your ex. I was angry, hurt, feeling betrayed and a little bit scared, but today I am SO COMPLETELY GLAD to be rid of that guy! Time helps a lot.

    One of the things that was suggested to me was that I enjoy doing stuff that I didn't feel free to do while I was with my ex. Maybe you could try that too?
  • DeeVanderbles
    DeeVanderbles Posts: 589 Member
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    I'm so sorry you're going through this, Kayla. I don't think I've ever been in a relationship quite like that but I'm glad he is gone. It sounds like you will be much better without him. You've got a good head on your shoulders and are doing right by yourself by going to school and working to support yourself. Being with someone for three years and then all of a sudden not being with them anymore is a huge change. It's kind of like exercising or eating healthier. It's just something you're going to have to get used to, it's going to seem weird for a little while, but in the end you're going to be better for it.

    Feel free to message me if you want to chat. :flowerforyou:
  • chellebubblz
    chellebubblz Posts: 84 Member
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    Sometimes we hang on and hang on, even when we know its not right and not a healthy 2 sided relationship. BTDT. I wish I'd let go sooner than I did. Everyone is right, you deserve much better but it is still very hard and will continue to be. If you try to save the relationship he will continue to bring you down and hold you back. I know this from experience. I left mine because he couldn't hold down a job and we had kids to take care of. 2 years later, he is 31 and still jobless living with his mother...

    Hang in there chicka!!
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,015 Member
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    You are probably more mad at yourself for continuing to hope. We tend to hang on to a dream of what it could be and don't look at what it really was.

    You're better off. I've been there. Hopefully you will learn a valuable lesson from all this. Chin up, girl.
  • Hailey
    Hailey Posts: 199 Member
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    Trust me girl, things will get so much better!
    I have been where you are. I thought it was the end of the world. It turns out it was truly just the Beginning!!!
    I never would have found the love of my life if i was still under my exs spell. I am mad that I lost so many years, but I know it was all for a reason, and that was to find my current, love of my life. I know we will be together forever and I see that I had to go through all that crap to find him.
    The same may just happen for you :)
    BTW after my break up, I got happy and became myself again and lost a ton of weight! So much easier single. Its all about you now. Enjoy it! :)
  • sullykat
    sullykat Posts: 461 Member
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    You wanna hear bad relationship stories? Well, lady, I've got 'em! The most significant was that of my boyfriend from when I was about 20. We were together for just over 3 years. He broke up with me every summer because he wanted to "have fun" and then would promptly get back together with me by mid August. I fell for it every time because I was so "in love". He killed me. I gained so much weight because of my negative reaction to his actions. He would have jobs off and on, but I would pay for us. He talked to girls online all the time, and said it was nothing, but never once mentioned that he had a girlfriend. He went out with girls and would tell me that he was going out with his guy friends. I would do everything he asked of me. We finally broke it off for good when we were 22, but I continued to be friends with him, torturing myself through his new relationships with girls I knew weren't "good enough" for him. He would stop talking to me for months because his girlfriend du jour "would not appreciate him talking to me". Then, as soon as things would go south, guess who he would call up? I finally said enough is enough when I was about 25, around the time he met another girl. YES! 3 years of additional CRAP from someone I wasn't even with!!!! I met my hubby, and all of a sudden the lights turned on. THIS is what real relationships are like! This is how a gentleman treats his lady. This is the real thing. I am so in love with my man, and he is so in love with me. We want to be together. Neither of us is dependant. Neither of us is abusive. We are both respectful, and appreciate one another.

    You will find someone who treats you right, and you will realize what you were missing all along with this guy. You don't need him. You dont.
  • SoozeE512
    SoozeE512 Posts: 439 Member
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    Kayla that sounds miserable. I had a bad break-up with a somewhat similar story (guy who couldn't manage his money, I always suspected he had interests in other girls, etc.) and I would have done anything to help him. Every time I thought things were getting better again, they seemed to get worse. He finally broke up with me saying, "You deserve better". That confused me so much at the time because I thought, 'If he thinks I deserve better, why doesn't he just make himself the better person he thinks I deserve' and I had it in my head that really he thought I wasn't good enough for him....

    So, as silly as it was, I decided that I would make myself the best possible version of me that I could be in hopes that maybe he'd change his mind or whatever (even after all the crap I put up with, because for some reason, I was just crazy about him). I began eating healthier and going to the gym and making sure to stay social instead of curling up into a little ball of misery and hiding away from the world (well, okay, I did do that sometimes too). It was actually after that breakup that I worked my way to my healthiest adult weight of 120 lbs at 5'3". I guess I probably have him to thank for that, lol

    We never got back together, which was fine, because honestly, I do deserve better than what I had with him (though it took me a long time to see that). But somehow, my twisted version of hoping we would get back together and trying to make myself so super awesome lead me to actually become so super awesome =P (Of course, it didn't take long for me to gain that weight back and then some (and then some more) once I started an office job that practically kept me chained to my desk...which is why I'm on this site trying to lose weight again.)

    Anyway, I think it's normal to go through the motions and have all sorts of backwards thinking right after a break-up. It takes a long time to really get over someone you've been so close to for so long, and to get your head back on straight. But you'll find strength in yourself now that you never knew you had and you'll be all the better for it. Just keep reminding yourself of what a great person you are and think of all of the things you can accomplish on your own (especially without someone else's problems holding you back).

    :)
  • Gerald_King
    Gerald_King Posts: 2,031 Member
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    Sorry but he really needs to grow a pair and learn to treat you with respect you need to be treat like a queen not somebody he turns to when he feels like it .Sorry to be harsh but it needed saying :flowerforyou: :cry:
  • kaylasue_mustlose
    kaylasue_mustlose Posts: 27
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    You guys have all lifted me up so much. I was out to dinner for my brother's birthday trying to enjoy it as much as possible and I couldn't wait to rush home because I was really hoping that some people would take the time to reply. Little actions like this...no matter how small...can really impact someone's life and their mindset. You all put a smile on my face during a very rough time and there is nothing that I could type here to say thanks enough. But really thanks so much for thinking of me.
  • Valdeezie
    Valdeezie Posts: 42 Member
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    This guy sounds whack. U don't need him. U can do much better. Sounds like he was just stringing u along cuz he is a deadbeat who can't be independent. You need a real man and I'm sure u will find one.
  • redscylla
    redscylla Posts: 211 Member
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    You know the best thing about your life right now? You have a plan. You're going to graduate, you're going to get a better job. You're going to happy and successful. And none of that is going to depend on him. It's all about you and what you're capable of. You're going to know you did it yourself for yourself.
  • sasarafo
    sasarafo Posts: 18
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    Believe me when I say in a few months you will look back at him and your relationship and wonder what the heck you stuck around for so long ( I had a similar person who was in my life many moons ago).

    Go be fabulous and enjoy your life...it is too damn short to waste it on someone who doesn't appreciate you! :)

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