Could really use some cheering up

Wowza...would you be offended if I called your man a jerk? You're such a cutie, he's lucky to have you. I wouldn't put up with a guy like that, but that's me.

I know that this is silly, but I am just having one of those days. :frown: My boyfriend (who is skinny and well built) works at night and when he calls me, I hope and pray that the voice on the other end will sound happy, like he misses me and wants to talk to me. Instead he sounds like it is such a waste of time to call me. He comes in this morning and picks a fight and tells me, and I quote, "You will see such a big difference in me when you are skinny, when you finally hit the goal I have for you in my mind. I will be affectionate then, and romantic and loving, but right now you know I don't like big women. I have stayed with you cuz I know that you will be skinny and sexy again". I guess he really doesn't have any idea how badly that hurt me!! Now, all I want to do is run to the refrigerator and make the emptiness and the pain go away but I know that will only make me feel worse. I thought love was supposed to be beyond the physical. I have lost a bunch of weight but he says it don't matter, only the end result matters. I don't know how to get past this without gorging myself and throwing away everything I have been working towards. Or worse, spending the next two weeks starving myself to make him happy..........................

oh my goodnes, i am so sorry! you have to do this to make yourself happy-not anyone else! i am a very outspoken person so i would have to explain to him that by hurtin you hes disabling you!

Dump that jerk!!!

You are right love is not about the physical. He told you straight forward that he is staying with you because he knows you'll be sexy again. He's supposed to stay with you because he LOVES you!!! You deserve way better don't you dare starve yourself to please him. Losing weight is something you do for YOURSELF not for anyone else!!! Others may inspire you but you should never change yourself to please ANYONE other than yourself. The smart thing to do in your situation would be to leave him, lose the weight for YOURSELF and then flaunt your slim sexy body in front of him to show him what he can't have and doesn't DESERVE.

First off I'm glad that your on here and not at the fridge. Second off, your man is a complete jerk. That is the most immature, rudest, selfish thing I have ever heard someone say. Do you want to lose the weight? Don't lose it for him because your not being true to yourself. Whatever you lose is going to come right back if it's not because you want to lose it for you. Why would you ever want to change yourself for someone else who has just made it very obvious he cares nothing about you at all? This man has no right to speak to any one like that. I went through three years of an abusive relationship and I know now that no one deserves to have some one speak to them like that... You will never cheer up as long as you are with him.

Wowza...would you be offended if I called your man a jerk? You're such a cutie, he's lucky to have you. I wouldn't put up with a guy like that, but that's me.

From one Brenda to another, sorry to say it, but your guy IS a jerk, and I hope you realize it soon, before he hurts you and demeans you anymore than he already has! :grumble:

I'm so sorry you had to hear, find & have a boyfriend like that:mad: He should know if he's trying to help you -he just took the wrong approach!

I too once long ago had a body building boy friend that was Gorgeous, Book Smart (And I emphasize book smart) he really liked the way I looked at first then try to change me along the way.....saying I wasn't skinny enough, I couldnt do that good enough etc etc...SHALLOW!!!! He wanted me to jog with him & work out at the body building gym then eat tuna, raw eggs etc....obviously insecure about himself & making me into his creation.

Don't waste anymore of your youth on him:noway: ....At first for me in my old past... I blamed myself...thinking I wasn't good enough (I weighed 130lbs in those days) & he told me the only thing I could do better than him was make a bed (I use to work at a Hotel when I was a teenager) too competitive, trying to build themselves up at your cost...so you see some people are very Plastic, Surfacey, Phoney....You are worth more in your little pinky than his whole (skinny) body.

You should tell him how you feel. See what he says then. If he is persistant than maybe it's time for a break? Don't go into that fridge & ruin everything you've been working for. Have a banana or peanut butter on celery...that's sorta a feel good food. Or talk to us all night? Good Luck & know that we care about you & your success here :flowerforyou:

:explode: Dump the jerk. He sounds like a classic abuser. Once you're at your ideal weight, I can almost guarantee there will be something else about you that he will find wrong. NO ONE deserves to be treated like that. Don't make excuses for him. If he cared about you, he would love you for who you are and support and encourage you. :mad:

Thoughts from a guy: dump him. I mean, really.

I would never treat my wife that way. She's lovely no matter what her weight is, and she is overweight like I am. Everyone deserves to be loved the way they are.

Seriously, there's thousands (or millions) of guys out there that would be happy with you the way you are now.


Not all guys are jerks, you know?

Southern_Girl,

You're missing the point. This is something to get upset over. You should be so upset that you will not take it anymore, not for another minute, and pick up that phone, call him, and end it right now, right this minute. Draw a line in the sand.

This is not about losing weight. No one on this site is only here to lose weight. We are all here on MFP to learn to love ourselves. Properly, and in a healthy way. And if anything in our lives is not part of that plan, is not congruent to loving ourselves whether it is a greasy, full of fat donut or lots of physical clutter junk in our closets, garage, junk drawer or sapping our energy poor finances or a sneaky, passive aggressive pathological liar pretend to be our friend or a slimy, or a full of **** boyfriend, then, no matter what it is - it needs to get out of our lives. Because as long as these things are in our lives, we are not loving ourselves.

We on MFP is not only trying to shed weight of lbs but of any unnecessary psychological weight that is weighing us down. Isn't that the reason why we turn to food to comfort us because we've got unhealthy things in our lives we like to hide from? Why not get rid of the unhealthy things in our lives, get rid of it from our lives, get rid of the clutter, end the unhealthy relationships, goodbye to the poor finances situations and give ourselves permission to live better, healthier. And a better healthier weight will be the result.

Like I said before. Loving ourselves is the key. He's not respecting you because you're not respecting yourself by staying with him, a louse. Do not blame him for what he is. Take responsibility for your own destiny and do not stay. Leave, go and seek a better life not only for yourself but for your children as well.

You're missing the point. This is something to get upset over. You should be so upset that you will not take it anymore, not for another minute, and pick up that phone, call him, and end it right now, right this minute. Draw a line in the sand.

Ditto.

I don't take crap, and you shouldn't either. What he's doing isn't an annoying quirk, its a serious problem. So break his stupid superficial heart and leave him - preferably suspended by his toes over hot lava.

Both my husband and I agree...dump the @sshole! He should go and make somebody else's life miserable and you should go and find somebody who loves you for the beautiful person you are. Nobody deserves to have conditions like that put on their love.

My husband loved me 79 lbs heavier, he loves me now and he will love me when I hit my goal weight. Just as I loved him heavier, I love him now and I will love him at his goal weight. It is not the packaging I fell in love with, it was the gift inside!

I know these responses have been hard for you to hear. I know what it's like to be with someone who isn't supportive - I was married for 12 years to someone like that.

I know you probably aren't going to dump him just because some people online are telling you to. I know you're probably going to rationalize it. You're going to tell yourself that you only told us the bad stuff, so of course we're going to only have a one-dimensional view of him. You're going to tell yourself that we don't know what he's like when he's sweet and kind and funny and sexy and considerate. Because chances are, he must be some of those things SOME of the time, or else you really would have left by now.

But you see, this is where he gets you. His concern about your weight shows you on some level that you are important to him. That feels good. It's also attention. If he doesn't give you the kind of attention you deserve, then maybe this negative attention is better than no attention. Besides, it always feels so good when you do get it right and he does reward you with a smile or a hug or a compliment, even if it's rare.

This is how casinos get you - you play the slot machine and it ignores you and ignores you no matter how much money you dump into it, and then it throws some money back at you. You're all happy so you put more money in to get more of that fun and good feeling you get when it gives you money back. That's exactly how these kinds of relationships are - they throw you a few crumbs, and man, you work hard for those crumbs! And when you get those crumbs that make you happy, you think "See??? He really does love me." Or you think "Things are getting better." Or you think "It's not asking that much that I should change for him. If I love him, I should change for him."

Ultimately, you lose more than you put in though.

I went through this cycle for 12 years. If he were consistently nasty and crappy to me, I'd have left waaaay before I did. Things were horrible, I felt awful, and then he'd become sweet and nice, and I'd think "Wow, things are getting better!" and I'd think "He's changed." And I'd be happy and in love again.

I used to give myself ultimatums. I'd say "Okay, if things aren't better by July 1, I'm leaving him." July 1 would come, and it would seem like things were maybe better, so I'd stay.

And just like your guy, there was no communicating with him. There was only me trying to figure out how to say things so I wouldn't set him off.

He damaged my self esteem, he got me to believe that all our problems were my fault, and if I'd just fix this or that, things would be better, he got me to believe that maybe nobody else would love me, so I was damned lucky to have him, and I also believed that if I were on my own, I'd end up a bag lady, so I had to stay with him if I wanted a place to live and something to eat. (He never came out and said that, but the implication was always there.)

And I'm not stupid. I'm actually very smart. We always believe smart people don't let themselves get into these kinds of relationships. But that's not true - even really smart people find themselves in these kinds of relationships. That's because it doesn't start off that way - it starts off really nice, and gradually goes sour, and you're thinking the whole time that it's because you're not doing something right, so you keep trying.

And by the way, you're very smart too. You're smart and you're strong, and you're starting to see how this guy really is, and how he's not good for you.

But I know you can't just dump him cold like that - I couldn't do it either at the time. Just start to be aware of things, start asking yourself if his few crumbs of joy are worth the times he makes you feel like crap. And start daydreaming about what a life without him might look like. Start seeing yourself as strong and successful, not needing him at all.

The best scenario I can think of is for you to lose the weight, then dump him when he's telling you how much he loves you - you could say "Gee, Buster, you didn't love me 30 pounds ago, so I don't believe that you love me now, you jerk!"

(That's kind of what I did - after being made to feel like I was not very smart and couldn't do anything on my own, I worked my a** off getting my college degree even though my husband tried everything he could to stop me - and then I got my degree, got my first job out of college that made decent money, he was all happy about the additional income we were going to get, and then I told him I wanted a divorce.)

Good luck to you. (((Big hug))) Keep posting to us!
:flowerforyou:

PS - by the way, and this might be the most important point of all - if he's physically abusing you, disregard everything I just said and get the hell out NOW. And do not, I repeat, do not go back, ever, ever, ever.

Little Sister,

You were a big teacher just now with your long post above and the short one below it. Congratulations on your 10th year anniversary with a loving husband. And congratulations in passing on life lessons you had to learn the tough way. Your long post were very eloquent and I like your use of the analogy of the gambling casino to explain things. Hope it helps original poster and anyone else in the same situation. I truly do.

I'm sorry, but kick him to the curb. If he only treats you with kindness and respect when you are within a certain weight, it's not true love. That's disrespectful and I would not put up with it. You deserve so much better.