I am annoyed and I dont really have a right to be.

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Replies

  • mommamindi
    mommamindi Posts: 256 Member
    I don't normally reply to these posts, but your story has moved me. You appear to have a very strong relationship and I think you are very brave and understanding of your husbands condition. Sounds to me that it's not his fault.

    If it helps any, my brother-in-law lost weight without realising because the family slowly changed how they cooked the food at home to low fat. Also, they stopped buying high fat snacks and went for healthier options. They never told him he couldn't eat any foods in particular, they just substituted for low fat options. If he was out, he ate what he wanted - no one said NO! The whole family were healthier for it.

    Good luck

    I have changed a lot of my cooking in general for our family, I just have to make sure the kids have more calories than us both. We do more turkey, more lean meats in general. Veggies are the staple of the meal than proteins than carbs! I am trying really hard to help him get healthier behind his back haha.

    And thank you for replying, its not his fault, its just really a frustratingly hard battle at times. It was 102 in my house today. Tonight its still 90 degrees, that shake sounded amazing, and I had to be strong and say no. I get so frustrated, but I have to learn to approach it in a healthy way for him, because its not just about me.
  • mommamindi
    mommamindi Posts: 256 Member
    If your husband is like mine, he doesnt really think he's hindering you. In his mind, he's being nice/sweet/a good husband, etc. He thinks that even though I tell him I don't want it, that I really really do, therefore he is doing me a huge favor in giving me what I want deep down. It's more like "Hey baby, I brought you home your favorite "insert anything I'm not allowed to have here" because I love you so much!"

    Haha you are right there. Your last quote is exactly hitting it on the head.
  • mommamindi
    mommamindi Posts: 256 Member
    Thank you! You have given me great ideas. I try to be polite about turning it down. And he has stopped buying normal pepsi because he knows its a weakness of mine so he will buy pepsi max if he must have one. Slow and steady wins the race. But I will use most of your suggestions.

    I'm glad it helped :)
    And if he has got the message about Pepsi, that's great.
    If you're concrete and clear and consistent (and non-confrontational), I'm sure he'll get the other stuff too.

    For the people who are knocking him for not being a good husband.... frontal lobe injuries can be really hard to live with because they affect the planning and reasoning and social parts of our brains. Give the guy a break!

    I am very used to it, but its very frustrating because people cannot understand it. They do not understand him. This year I posted on facebook and tagged him "Babe remember tomorrow is my birthday and I would like _______" people commented on it and said he doesnt deserve a reminder. He cant remember short term things like what the date is. He cannot remember what a fight was about 5 minutes after it happened. One day he spent our entire paycheck on a ring for me. He didnt think before he acted, so then when he got home, I had to explain to him why we couldnt keep it. Its very much a long and slow process, but its refreshing to see someone who understands it!

    Yup, it's tough. I'm an occupational therapist and have worked with people with all kinds of disabilities and I sometime think that those "invisible" conditions are the toughest of all..... if you use a wheelchair, then people can understand that you might need to do some things in a different way, but brain injuries aren't there for everyone to see, and people just don't know about the impact.
    Hang in there!

    Thanks :)
  • Umeboshi
    Umeboshi Posts: 1,637 Member

    I am very used to it, but its very frustrating because people cannot understand it. They do not understand him. This year I posted on facebook and tagged him "Babe remember tomorrow is my birthday and I would like _______" people commented on it and said he doesnt deserve a reminder. He cant remember short term things like what the date is. He cannot remember what a fight was about 5 minutes after it happened. One day he spent our entire paycheck on a ring for me. He didnt think before he acted, so then when he got home, I had to explain to him why we couldnt keep it. Its very much a long and slow process, but its refreshing to see someone who understands it!

    That's awful that people would say things like that. I hate it when people get blamed for things that aren't even their fault. :( I live with mental illness so I know what people can be like, attributing everything to 'laziness' or a character faw. I'm shocked that people would sink so low as to blame someone with a brain injury, when that's usually more understood by people than mental illness. You two sound like a wonderful couple, and you deserve a lot of credit for understanding his disability and working with it.
  • mommamindi
    mommamindi Posts: 256 Member

    I am very used to it, but its very frustrating because people cannot understand it. They do not understand him. This year I posted on facebook and tagged him "Babe remember tomorrow is my birthday and I would like _______" people commented on it and said he doesnt deserve a reminder. He cant remember short term things like what the date is. He cannot remember what a fight was about 5 minutes after it happened. One day he spent our entire paycheck on a ring for me. He didnt think before he acted, so then when he got home, I had to explain to him why we couldnt keep it. Its very much a long and slow process, but its refreshing to see someone who understands it!

    That's awful that people would say things like that. I hate it when people get blamed for things that aren't even their fault. :( I live with mental illness so I know what people can be like, attributing everything to 'laziness' or a character faw. I'm shocked that people would sink so low as to blame someone with a brain injury, when that's usually more understood by people than mental illness. You two sound like a wonderful couple, and you deserve a lot of credit for understanding his disability and working with it.

    He is often accused of "milking it". He looks normal. He acts normal. So they think he must be normal. They dont see the day to day, minute to minute things I do to help him function like 50 texts a day reminding him of things, post it notes, things written out in steps, completely holding his hand like a 5 year old in some respects. Sure he is normal in other respects...but it still affects his life.
  • WaterBunnie
    WaterBunnie Posts: 1,371 Member
    Difficult one. Would giving him bigger portions of the healthier foods at meal times will make him less keen to snack on rubbish? Then once out of the habit reduce his calories gradually? You could tackle it as "teaching the children a healthy lifestyle by example" but it's so hard when food is pushed so much in advertising and others around you are eating badly.
  • Umeboshi
    Umeboshi Posts: 1,637 Member

    I am very used to it, but its very frustrating because people cannot understand it. They do not understand him. This year I posted on facebook and tagged him "Babe remember tomorrow is my birthday and I would like _______" people commented on it and said he doesnt deserve a reminder. He cant remember short term things like what the date is. He cannot remember what a fight was about 5 minutes after it happened. One day he spent our entire paycheck on a ring for me. He didnt think before he acted, so then when he got home, I had to explain to him why we couldnt keep it. Its very much a long and slow process, but its refreshing to see someone who understands it!

    That's awful that people would say things like that. I hate it when people get blamed for things that aren't even their fault. :( I live with mental illness so I know what people can be like, attributing everything to 'laziness' or a character faw. I'm shocked that people would sink so low as to blame someone with a brain injury, when that's usually more understood by people than mental illness. You two sound like a wonderful couple, and you deserve a lot of credit for understanding his disability and working with it.

    He is often accused of "milking it". He looks normal. He acts normal. So they think he must be normal. They dont see the day to day, minute to minute things I do to help him function like 50 texts a day reminding him of things, post it notes, things written out in steps, completely holding his hand like a 5 year old in some respects. Sure he is normal in other respects...but it still affects his life.

    Ugh, that's awful! People need to stop being so judgmental. :( Invisible illnesses are so difficult...especially when people refuse to even TRY to educate themselves and instead just make mean assumptions. Your story is so touching and it saddens me that more people don't understand.
  • mommamindi
    mommamindi Posts: 256 Member
    Difficult one. Would giving him bigger portions of the healthier foods at meal times will make him less keen to snack on rubbish? Then once out of the habit reduce his calories gradually? You could tackle it as "teaching the children a healthy lifestyle by example" but it's so hard when food is pushed so much in advertising and others around you are eating badly.

    I try to. Sometimes real spaghetti sounds better to him then zucchini spaghetti or spaghetti squash. I think he doesnt know the difference between bored and hungry. I know I never did until this. I dont keep things like chips in the house anymore because *I* cant do it without eating.
  • mommamindi
    mommamindi Posts: 256 Member

    I am very used to it, but its very frustrating because people cannot understand it. They do not understand him. This year I posted on facebook and tagged him "Babe remember tomorrow is my birthday and I would like _______" people commented on it and said he doesnt deserve a reminder. He cant remember short term things like what the date is. He cannot remember what a fight was about 5 minutes after it happened. One day he spent our entire paycheck on a ring for me. He didnt think before he acted, so then when he got home, I had to explain to him why we couldnt keep it. Its very much a long and slow process, but its refreshing to see someone who understands it!

    That's awful that people would say things like that. I hate it when people get blamed for things that aren't even their fault. :( I live with mental illness so I know what people can be like, attributing everything to 'laziness' or a character faw. I'm shocked that people would sink so low as to blame someone with a brain injury, when that's usually more understood by people than mental illness. You two sound like a wonderful couple, and you deserve a lot of credit for understanding his disability and working with it.

    He is often accused of "milking it". He looks normal. He acts normal. So they think he must be normal. They dont see the day to day, minute to minute things I do to help him function like 50 texts a day reminding him of things, post it notes, things written out in steps, completely holding his hand like a 5 year old in some respects. Sure he is normal in other respects...but it still affects his life.

    Ugh, that's awful! People need to stop being so judgmental. :( Invisible illnesses are so difficult...especially when people refuse to even TRY to educate themselves and instead just make mean assumptions. Your story is so touching and it saddens me that more people don't understand.

    Its hard, because he wants to be normal again. He has cried many nights telling me he would do anything to have his old brain back, because at the end of the day he knows how hard it is on me, he sees me break down in tears when I forget something or overlook something. I dont blame him, I dont resent him, Its just a mountain I am climbing and sometimes I slide down a little bit.

    Its very similar to this stupid weight loss journey.
  • wndfrancis
    wndfrancis Posts: 18 Member
    bump
  • WaterBunnie
    WaterBunnie Posts: 1,371 Member
    Is he competitive? Could you perhaps have a challenge you both have to complete with a particular reward if you BOTH achieve it?

    Doesn't have to be anything big or expensive, could just be a day out somewhere you like or a film or something?

    Earning treats works for some people and provides a focus other than food.
  • mommamindi
    mommamindi Posts: 256 Member
    We did a contest once before. If I won we got a puppy if he won he got something tech that he wanted...he Gabe up and I won...maybe ill bring that back into play for something else
  • poshtigress
    poshtigress Posts: 8 Member
    I think the issue here is change. Change is very difficult for someone in a number of ways; emotional - he might be worried that you lose all your weight and become more attractive to the opposite sex, and leave him; physical - the body fights to maintain its current shape, as that expends less energy, that's why we feel hungry on a diet, the body is saying "feed me! I need to stay the same!; mental - change takes thinking about and planning, life is stressful enough with work, kids, family to try and do something different. It's easy to stay the same.

    And of course you know that you can't change your husband, only he can change himself. So keep on with your own plan as best you can, let your motivation come from yourself. Reassure your husband that you love and care for him, give him confidence, and he'll most likely start up again.
  • sasarafo
    sasarafo Posts: 18
    Could you maybe talk to his therapist? Explain how he needs to work on this subject and stop sabotaging you?

    I know it may seem trivial to mention to a therapist but your health and well being is extremely important. You have kids...you need to be healthy for them. I too have a husband with a chronic health condition and I have to think that if something happened to me...what would happen to them?
  • mommamindi
    mommamindi Posts: 256 Member
    I think the issue here is change. Change is very difficult for someone in a number of ways; emotional - he might be worried that you lose all your weight and become more attractive to the opposite sex, and leave him; physical - the body fights to maintain its current shape, as that expends less energy, that's why we feel hungry on a diet, the body is saying "feed me! I need to stay the same!; mental - change takes thinking about and planning, life is stressful enough with work, kids, family to try and do something different. It's easy to stay the same.

    And of course you know that you can't change your husband, only he can change himself. So keep on with your own plan as best you can, let your motivation come from yourself. Reassure your husband that you love and care for him, give him confidence, and he'll most likely start up again.

    Thank you i've wondered myself if that may beer playing a role.
  • mommamindi
    mommamindi Posts: 256 Member
    Could you maybe talk to his therapist? Explain how he needs to work on this subject and stop sabotaging you?

    I know it may seem trivial to mention to a therapist but your health and well being is extremely important. You have kids...you need to be healthy for them. I too have a husband with a chronic health condition and I have to think that if something happened to me...what would happen to them?

    I think the same thing all the time. I don't know how he'd do without me. I will bring it up on Thursday at his next session
  • mommamindi
    mommamindi Posts: 256 Member
    I just wanted to update this post. Today my husband and I had a date day. We went hiking and while we were hiking he spilled something on his shirt. Before dinner he wanted to buy a new one. We found a couple shirts for him to try on. He broke down in the dressing room...he was in a size 4x and we thought it was 2x. We looked and they had no shirts in his size. He came to me at dinner and asked if I would help and support him logging his calories, and if I would remind him of his goals. I feel like this is a great step for him.
  • Pimpmonkey
    Pimpmonkey Posts: 566
    I just wanted to update this post. Today my husband and I had a date day. We went hiking and while we were hiking he spilled something on his shirt. Before dinner he wanted to buy a new one. We found a couple shirts for him to try on. He broke down in the dressing room...he was in a size 4x and we thought it was 2x. We looked and they had no shirts in his size. He came to me at dinner and asked if I would help and support him logging his calories, and if I would remind him of his goals. I feel like this is a great step for him.


    Awww, girl I have to admit I teared up. What a sad but great moment for the both of you.
  • Eve23
    Eve23 Posts: 2,352 Member
    It sounds like you have a very sweet hubby. Maybe his way of showing he cares is through food and together you can learn to show that in a healthier way. I know many people that show they love others through food or doing things for them. Even though the intentions are the best possible it is not always what we are asking for.

    I am so glad you have each other on this journey.

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