Feeling judgemental...

Brian hit the nail on the head. Unfortunately you can't make her change, she has to want it bad enough to do it herself. Even if you manage to get her to lose weight by your convincing her, if she does it begrudgingly the weight will all just come flooding back with a vengeance. I would say you just need to have a little "come to Jesus" moment with her if you are tired of her complaining about it and not doing anything. Let her know, and be stern about it, that you care about her and want to see her change. Otherwise all you can do is sit there and listen to her sing the same song day in and day out.

I'd be annoyed too. I understand you are friends with her, but you need to find a way to just be a sounding board for her. She is looking for attention and gets it by complaining about her weight, listen but leave it at that and stear the conversation to another mutually interesting topic. She'll only make changes when she's ready. In the meantime don't let her create negative energy in you - life is too short! :-)

Does she downplay your obvious success? Do you think she brings in fast food for temptation? Is she happy for you? In my experience, some friendships suffer when on changes for the better or worse. I know its hard for you as you work side by side, but for your continued success, you might have to mentally distance yourself from her.

It sounds like you try to help her on a daily basis, but until she decides to make those life changes herself, you need to move forward. Good Luck

I hear ya. Some people need the drama to get through the day. There's nothing you can really do about except wait for her to get tired of complaining about it. Try to be as unsympathetic as possible without being mean. I know, it's a fine line.

I did that for years; complain about being fat but not doing anything about it. No one changes until they are ready, just like you and just like me. So it's not your job to do anything about it really. We all have annoying coworkers, for one reason or another. As adults, we have to learn to live with people who annoy us. Exactly as Brian said above, the same thing goes for smokers. Of course they know it's bad for them (as did I when I smoked for 14 years). I didn't quit until I wanted to quit. After I quit, however, I didn't start demanding that everyone else quit. That was my choice. It is her choice to eat how she wants. We are all responsible for ourselves. I would never start telling other people when and how to lose weight because I made the decision to do just that.

I can completely relate. I am no lightweight, so I just want to say that before anyone comes at me. I don't think you are trying to change her, just don't want to listen to her moan and groan all day and then do absolutely nothing about it. Am I right about that?

The reason I can relate is we must work at the same place! I work with a lovely girl who has packed on a lot of weight in the last four years. To the point where when she runs in to someone she hasn't seen for a while, they ask her when she is expecting. I have no issue with her weight gain and to each their own. However, every day I have to listen to "how good she is doing" when she is stuffing a Big Mac in her face. Oh what, today is a cheat day apparently??? Hmm, every day is apparently a cheat day. She snacks all day long, saying how she is starving and is so happy that it is cheat day because she did so good lately. She joined WW for about a week, but then didn't want to face writing down what she eats every day, because then she would have to recognize it. She joined the gym with me and then instantly starting to make excuses why she can't go (have to get shopping done, forgot her socks, etc.). Like I say, I can totally relate to gaining weight and how hard it is to come off. However, I got pretty sick and tired of listening to constant excuses. In the end, I ended up moving to another spot as it got irritating beyond belief.

the only thing you can do is be a quiet example. that would mean keeping your mouth closed unless asked a direct question.

My friend was a very positive force in my life because after listening for a certain amount of time she then became bluntly honest and refused to let me complain to her anymore. She basically told me " look I don't want to hear it, you don't do anything about it and I'm tired of listening to it, so if you are going to continue to complain do it to someone else" and you know what, I agreed with her. I realized how others felt when I complained to them all the time, which I never really thought that people were tired of hearing it, it just never crossed my mind. But boy she really helped me out by making me take a good hard look at the reality of my situation. I am not saying be mean but you can be blunt and let her know you don't have to listen to it anymore.

" ...... I got to a fed up point with my health, I was unhappy, so I made changes. Why does she not feel the need to do the same? ....."

Your pal has obviously not reached that "fed up" point ..... but who knows, maybe tomorrow will be the day ..... until then, take a deep breath & just let it go ....... take care of yourself ..... and well done, by the way :drinker:

My friend was a very positive force in my life because after listening for a certain amount of time she then became bluntly honest and refused to let me complain to her anymore. She basically told me " look I don't want to hear it, you don't do anything about it and I'm tired of listening to it, so if you are going to continue to complain do it to someone else" and you know what, I agreed with her. I realized how others felt when I complained to them all the time, which I never really thought that people were tired of hearing it, it just never crossed my mind. But boy she really helped me out by making me take a good hard look at the reality of my situation. I am not saying be mean but you can be blunt and let her know you don't have to listen to it anymore.

NO...she could be sensitive to the point that hearing something like this would ruin your friendship...if you are willing to pay that price....well...dont do it anyway

Firstly, I'm not sure if this goes here, and if I'm not, I'm sorry! I hope I don't get a lot of hate about this, because I know it's not cool of me, but...

I have a co-worker whom I love dearly (she's more of a friend after working with her for 6 years), and she is constantly talking about wanting to lose weight. She calls herself "a fat pig" constantly, and she refuses to buy new clothes, so she's always showing me how her pants are undone under her shirt because they're too small.

She also consistently eats fast food. (Burger King for breakfast is a staple.) Her sister is trying to get her to walk everyday, and she complains to me about it because she says she's too tired and her sister is annoying her. Her sister signed them up for a 5k as motivation, and my co-worker has lied to her sister and said she'll do it and will "eventually" train for it, but she has told me she has no intention of actually going through with it.

We sit beside each other at work, and it drives me up the wall hearing her snacking away and drinking so much soda. I got to a fed up point with my health, I was unhappy, so I made changes. Why does she not feel the need to do the same? She's obviously unhappy, but she has no desire to change. It's like she wants someone to wave a wand to make her lose weight while she continues with her same old habits. And she's so set in her ways...She refuses to do any exercise because she's "too old for all that nonsense" (she's not even 40), and she keeps coming in with fast food because she "forgot to go grocery shopping."

I've kindly made suggestions when she complains about her weight of what she should do. When she complains about her sister, I say, "She's just trying to help you reach your goals." But she reminds me that she's too old and blahblahblah. I just feel so judgemental, because I get so angry. It makes me even more angry when she tells me about how she pacifies her 2 year old with McDonald's daily.

I know it's not my life and not my business...I really just needed to get my feelings out there. I'm so frustrated with her, and I hate sitting at my desk with so much judgement towards her, but I just don't know how to let it go.

What are you really asking here? There are plenty of "I'm bothered by my friend/co-worker/relative/partner/spouse's eating habits" threads. It's natural for me to start focusing on something in my life, then notice it more in others. Whether that's eating better, exercising, being less selfish, whatever. It's in my head and now I'm sensitized to it. So noticing other people's eating habits while participating on MFP is unsurprising. It's how our brains work.

You seem concerned about being judgmental. But these kinds of posts generally result in the same thing: other people judging some stranger depicted in one person's post. We know nothing about your co-worker except what you have described in your post. And people are going to focus on her. It happens all the time. And I don't get it. You are the one here. You are the one posting. You are the one I care about.

Everyone is judgmental to some degree. It's how we tell right from wrong, what job to take, who we marry, who our friends. I think being judgmental has a bad reputation. Your profile pic indicates you are a mom. I think you will want your kids to be judgmental in their selection of friends. You may not want them to be mean or disrespectful in doing so. But you'll want them to "use good judgment" when making decisions.

You've already said something to your co-worker. What else is there for you to do? If hearing someone eat and drink "drives you up the wall," I suspect you may not like your co-worker. It's even possible that while you are making healthy decisions and have lost a lot of weight (congrats on 70 pounds!) that you see her as a reminder of your old habits.

Why are you so angry? Why does it matter what someone else in your office eats? What could possibly benefit you in knowing *why* you co-worker makes the decisions she does? Unless you are struggling with the same decisions, I don't see how it matters.

The way you've described your co-worker makes her sounds like a pretty sad person. How sad are you? You've lost 70 pounds! You are doing something very right. I just don't get the anger part, which you bring up multiple times. Are you angry about something else? Is it possible that there is other stuff going on in your life that has nothing to do with your co-worker? I'm not a psychologist, but I'm nosy and arrogant enough to ask blunt questions on the Internet. I hope it's helpful in some way.

My friend was a very positive force in my life because after listening for a certain amount of time she then became bluntly honest and refused to let me complain to her anymore. She basically told me " look I don't want to hear it, you don't do anything about it and I'm tired of listening to it, so if you are going to continue to complain do it to someone else" and you know what, I agreed with her. I realized how others felt when I complained to them all the time, which I never really thought that people were tired of hearing it, it just never crossed my mind. But boy she really helped me out by making me take a good hard look at the reality of my situation. I am not saying be mean but you can be blunt and let her know you don't have to listen to it anymore.

NO...she could be sensitive to the point that hearing something like this would ruin your friendship...if you are willing to pay that price....well...dont do it anyway

I think some people need the blunt force due to the fact that if you keep babying them then they will continue on the wrong path. I needed it and it helped me alot, at the time I didn't like it but as I think back it helped. I also feel a lot better than before. So if you feel you can do it I say go for it otherwise just redirect the convo to something else...you still have to work with her no matter what so it's all ur decision.

This is truly something I need to work on with myself. I've offered to help her lose weight if she wants to, there's nothing more I can do. I just need to learn how to "smile and nod" when she starts complaining about it and not let it be something that bothers me. I'll have to work on that myself.

Thank you all for allowing me to vent and helping me see I really need to just learn how to let go.

Well-stated. You've answered your problem better than any one of us here could have. I'm glad you posted this.

I am convinced that 90% of the time, we already have the solution inside us. It just takes some of us time/experience/guidance/smacks on the head/etc. to get there. A wonderful saying I heard years ago about this very idea: "whatever you come looking for, you coming looking with."