Feeling judgemental...
amykins514
Posts: 12 Member
Firstly, I'm not sure if this goes here, and if I'm not, I'm sorry! I hope I don't get a lot of hate about this, because I know it's not cool of me, but...
I have a co-worker whom I love dearly (she's more of a friend after working with her for 6 years), and she is constantly talking about wanting to lose weight. She calls herself "a fat pig" constantly, and she refuses to buy new clothes, so she's always showing me how her pants are undone under her shirt because they're too small.
She also consistently eats fast food. (Burger King for breakfast is a staple.) Her sister is trying to get her to walk everyday, and she complains to me about it because she says she's too tired and her sister is annoying her. Her sister signed them up for a 5k as motivation, and my co-worker has lied to her sister and said she'll do it and will "eventually" train for it, but she has told me she has no intention of actually going through with it.
We sit beside each other at work, and it drives me up the wall hearing her snacking away and drinking so much soda. I got to a fed up point with my health, I was unhappy, so I made changes. Why does she not feel the need to do the same? She's obviously unhappy, but she has no desire to change. It's like she wants someone to wave a wand to make her lose weight while she continues with her same old habits. And she's so set in her ways...She refuses to do any exercise because she's "too old for all that nonsense" (she's not even 40), and she keeps coming in with fast food because she "forgot to go grocery shopping."
I've kindly made suggestions when she complains about her weight of what she should do. When she complains about her sister, I say, "She's just trying to help you reach your goals." But she reminds me that she's too old and blahblahblah. I just feel so judgemental, because I get so angry. It makes me even more angry when she tells me about how she pacifies her 2 year old with McDonald's daily.
I know it's not my life and not my business...I really just needed to get my feelings out there. I'm so frustrated with her, and I hate sitting at my desk with so much judgement towards her, but I just don't know how to let it go.
I have a co-worker whom I love dearly (she's more of a friend after working with her for 6 years), and she is constantly talking about wanting to lose weight. She calls herself "a fat pig" constantly, and she refuses to buy new clothes, so she's always showing me how her pants are undone under her shirt because they're too small.
She also consistently eats fast food. (Burger King for breakfast is a staple.) Her sister is trying to get her to walk everyday, and she complains to me about it because she says she's too tired and her sister is annoying her. Her sister signed them up for a 5k as motivation, and my co-worker has lied to her sister and said she'll do it and will "eventually" train for it, but she has told me she has no intention of actually going through with it.
We sit beside each other at work, and it drives me up the wall hearing her snacking away and drinking so much soda. I got to a fed up point with my health, I was unhappy, so I made changes. Why does she not feel the need to do the same? She's obviously unhappy, but she has no desire to change. It's like she wants someone to wave a wand to make her lose weight while she continues with her same old habits. And she's so set in her ways...She refuses to do any exercise because she's "too old for all that nonsense" (she's not even 40), and she keeps coming in with fast food because she "forgot to go grocery shopping."
I've kindly made suggestions when she complains about her weight of what she should do. When she complains about her sister, I say, "She's just trying to help you reach your goals." But she reminds me that she's too old and blahblahblah. I just feel so judgemental, because I get so angry. It makes me even more angry when she tells me about how she pacifies her 2 year old with McDonald's daily.
I know it's not my life and not my business...I really just needed to get my feelings out there. I'm so frustrated with her, and I hate sitting at my desk with so much judgement towards her, but I just don't know how to let it go.
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Replies
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Sounds like she knows she's got a problem (hence all the quick excuses - too old, forgot groceries etc) but is unwilling to do anything about it.
Other than setting a good example there's not much you can (or should) do. She has to make the decision to change (it's like smoking, I suspect every smoker on the planet knows it's bad for them - and a colossal waste of money - but will only quit when they make the decision)
Congrats on the 70lb loss BTW!0 -
Brian hit the nail on the head. Unfortunately you can't make her change, she has to want it bad enough to do it herself. Even if you manage to get her to lose weight by your convincing her, if she does it begrudgingly the weight will all just come flooding back with a vengeance. I would say you just need to have a little "come to Jesus" moment with her if you are tired of her complaining about it and not doing anything. Let her know, and be stern about it, that you care about her and want to see her change. Otherwise all you can do is sit there and listen to her sing the same song day in and day out.0
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You know, I've found that lots of my friends will say things like that around me....and it's this weird thing they THINK they should say because I've lost so much weight and I'm not fat anymore. It's like.....my results are so evident and I think it makes some people insecure because, in reality, they are never going to see that success in themselves.
So I've just kind of come to accept it from that point of view......that person isn't really going to change and they just feel the need to say words out loud sometimes. It is what it is. I just generally smile and nod and don't offer up anything......it's not about me, it's about them.
I completely understand, though............I have friends who are especially annoying with living a crappy life but constantly complaining to me about their weight. I don't think it's judgmental, I think it's just a willingness to face the truth and a lot of folks can't do that.0 -
I'd be annoyed too. I understand you are friends with her, but you need to find a way to just be a sounding board for her. She is looking for attention and gets it by complaining about her weight, listen but leave it at that and stear the conversation to another mutually interesting topic. She'll only make changes when she's ready. In the meantime don't let her create negative energy in you - life is too short! :-)0
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Think you done well it getting the frustration out. But you have to remember, the only person you can be accountable for is yourself! I say that because it comes from expierence. I have been told quite frequently, I can't FIX anyone but I can Change my attitude toward them.It has taken me 50+ years to learn that lesson! Is there a possibility you might distance yourself from this annoying coworker?
I feel you would be doing yourself a BIG favor if you did. Maybe ask for a change in seating or try tuning her & her destructive ways out? Continue to make good choices for yourself becase I have learned you can show people much easier than you can tell them! Good Luck.0 -
Does she downplay your obvious success? Do you think she brings in fast food for temptation? Is she happy for you? In my experience, some friendships suffer when on changes for the better or worse. I know its hard for you as you work side by side, but for your continued success, you might have to mentally distance yourself from her.
It sounds like you try to help her on a daily basis, but until she decides to make those life changes herself, you need to move forward. Good Luck0 -
I would say continue to be encouraging, but don't take it personally if she continues with her habits. In the end your co-worker is going to have to want to make this change for herself, that's the only way it's going to happen for her.
In some ways she sounds like me a few years ago. The doctor was telling me I needed to lose weight, my clothes were tight, walking up a flight of stairs was like running a marathon. I was in bad shape but just didn't care enough to do anything about it. Then one day I just decided that I had had enough of feeling like crap and I was going to do something about it. Two years later I've dropped 60 pounds, go to the gym 6 days a week and feel better than I have in years. And I know it will stick because it's something that I want to do, not because it's what others tell me I should do (even though they were absolutely right).
So just be a good example and hopefully that will in some way lead to your co-worker toe have that "aha" moment she needs.0 -
I hear ya. Some people need the drama to get through the day. There's nothing you can really do about except wait for her to get tired of complaining about it. Try to be as unsympathetic as possible without being mean. I know, it's a fine line.0
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I hear you and I hope venting helped. Not much you can, or should do. I dramatically changed my diet and I am constantly made fun of, because I WILL NOT eat fast food anymore. I don't really care though, and that's my point - ignore it.0
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I did that for years; complain about being fat but not doing anything about it. No one changes until they are ready, just like you and just like me. So it's not your job to do anything about it really. We all have annoying coworkers, for one reason or another. As adults, we have to learn to live with people who annoy us. Exactly as Brian said above, the same thing goes for smokers. Of course they know it's bad for them (as did I when I smoked for 14 years). I didn't quit until I wanted to quit. After I quit, however, I didn't start demanding that everyone else quit. That was my choice. It is her choice to eat how she wants. We are all responsible for ourselves. I would never start telling other people when and how to lose weight because I made the decision to do just that.0
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I completely understand that feeling! It's really not being judgmental. It's HARD to hear someone complain about something, anything, day in and day out when they refuse to do anything about the situation. It's one thing for people to have goals and constantly lapse into old habits (we've all been there) but to straight-up say "oh, I'm too told for that" and basically admit they don't even plan to make any effort- that's a whole different story. Whether it's weight loss or relationships or whatever, you can't help someone who won't help themselves. I've been in similar situations and have gotten sick of repeating myself, knowing the person doesn't care to hear the advice even though they fish for it. With one person in particular I eventually stopped getting involved in those conversations and would simply reply, "well, you can change that, you know..." or "well, I've tried to help you but you don't seem to want to change the situation and I can't help someone who won't help themselves." I'd say it as kindly as I could but wouldn't elaborate. Most of the time, she would change the subject. This happened over and over again until eventually she wanted to sit down and really talk about things.
I think sometimes people just want to be told "oh it's okay, you're okay" and basically have their behavior/attitude condoned. If you don't give in to that, it throws them off- they're not getting what they want anymore and they'll either stop talking to you about it or will eventually get serious about making changes (or at least admitting there's a problem).
You can't make anyone get healthy but you could lead by example- talk about the amazing dinner you made the night before or say "omg this salad is SO GOOD with the grilled chicken!" at lunch, etc.0 -
I can completely relate. I am no lightweight, so I just want to say that before anyone comes at me. I don't think you are trying to change her, just don't want to listen to her moan and groan all day and then do absolutely nothing about it. Am I right about that?
The reason I can relate is we must work at the same place! I work with a lovely girl who has packed on a lot of weight in the last four years. To the point where when she runs in to someone she hasn't seen for a while, they ask her when she is expecting. I have no issue with her weight gain and to each their own. However, every day I have to listen to "how good she is doing" when she is stuffing a Big Mac in her face. Oh what, today is a cheat day apparently??? Hmm, every day is apparently a cheat day. She snacks all day long, saying how she is starving and is so happy that it is cheat day because she did so good lately. She joined WW for about a week, but then didn't want to face writing down what she eats every day, because then she would have to recognize it. She joined the gym with me and then instantly starting to make excuses why she can't go (have to get shopping done, forgot her socks, etc.). Like I say, I can totally relate to gaining weight and how hard it is to come off. However, I got pretty sick and tired of listening to constant excuses. In the end, I ended up moving to another spot as it got irritating beyond belief.0 -
You can’t let her get in your head! You have done such a great job with your weight loss. You will always have someone who will try to bring you down to her level.
You can’t help to fix her until she is ready. One day something will just click for her and since you were one of the people who cared and she will remember that.
If she calls herself a fat pig simply compliment her. She has low self esteem and that takes a long time to overcome.
If you walk on your lunch break, ask her to join you because you want someone to talk to.
You just need to be a positive force in her life.0 -
the only thing you can do is be a quiet example. that would mean keeping your mouth closed unless asked a direct question.0
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You care too much, and I mean that kindly. Your co-worker needs a Jillian.
It must suck sitting next to someone who shows you her open pants. That made me giggle0 -
My friend was a very positive force in my life because after listening for a certain amount of time she then became bluntly honest and refused to let me complain to her anymore. She basically told me " look I don't want to hear it, you don't do anything about it and I'm tired of listening to it, so if you are going to continue to complain do it to someone else" and you know what, I agreed with her. I realized how others felt when I complained to them all the time, which I never really thought that people were tired of hearing it, it just never crossed my mind. But boy she really helped me out by making me take a good hard look at the reality of my situation. I am not saying be mean but you can be blunt and let her know you don't have to listen to it anymore.0
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Change the subject when she brings it up and don't talk about it. She'll change when she's ready.0
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" ...... I got to a fed up point with my health, I was unhappy, so I made changes. Why does she not feel the need to do the same? ....."
Your pal has obviously not reached that "fed up" point ..... but who knows, maybe tomorrow will be the day ..... until then, take a deep breath & just let it go ....... take care of yourself ..... and well done, by the way :drinker:0 -
To each their own. She will do something about it when she thinks she is ready, or she may never be ready.
She may feel overwhelmed by the prospect.... just gently remind her that you are working hard on reaching your goals and it is difficult to listen to her say she can't or won't when you know that she has it in her to be successful when she is ready!0 -
My friend was a very positive force in my life because after listening for a certain amount of time she then became bluntly honest and refused to let me complain to her anymore. She basically told me " look I don't want to hear it, you don't do anything about it and I'm tired of listening to it, so if you are going to continue to complain do it to someone else" and you know what, I agreed with her. I realized how others felt when I complained to them all the time, which I never really thought that people were tired of hearing it, it just never crossed my mind. But boy she really helped me out by making me take a good hard look at the reality of my situation. I am not saying be mean but you can be blunt and let her know you don't have to listen to it anymore.
NO...she could be sensitive to the point that hearing something like this would ruin your friendship...if you are willing to pay that price....well...dont do it anyway0 -
My friend was a very positive force in my life because after listening for a certain amount of time she then became bluntly honest and refused to let me complain to her anymore. She basically told me " look I don't want to hear it, you don't do anything about it and I'm tired of listening to it, so if you are going to continue to complain do it to someone else" and you know what, I agreed with her. I realized how others felt when I complained to them all the time, which I never really thought that people were tired of hearing it, it just never crossed my mind. But boy she really helped me out by making me take a good hard look at the reality of my situation. I am not saying be mean but you can be blunt and let her know you don't have to listen to it anymore.
NO...she could be sensitive to the point that hearing something like this would ruin your friendship...if you are willing to pay that price....well...dont do it anyway
If they are really friends then she can judge for herself if this approach will work for her, some people don't realize how they sound to others, and I never said be mean about it. She can state it as bluntly or nicely as she likes while still getting the point of not wanting to hear her complain anymore across. Sometimes being all candy, kittens and roses doesn't work, sometimes it does. She can take the information and judge for herself0 -
Firstly, I'm not sure if this goes here, and if I'm not, I'm sorry! I hope I don't get a lot of hate about this, because I know it's not cool of me, but...
I have a co-worker whom I love dearly (she's more of a friend after working with her for 6 years), and she is constantly talking about wanting to lose weight. She calls herself "a fat pig" constantly, and she refuses to buy new clothes, so she's always showing me how her pants are undone under her shirt because they're too small.
She also consistently eats fast food. (Burger King for breakfast is a staple.) Her sister is trying to get her to walk everyday, and she complains to me about it because she says she's too tired and her sister is annoying her. Her sister signed them up for a 5k as motivation, and my co-worker has lied to her sister and said she'll do it and will "eventually" train for it, but she has told me she has no intention of actually going through with it.
We sit beside each other at work, and it drives me up the wall hearing her snacking away and drinking so much soda. I got to a fed up point with my health, I was unhappy, so I made changes. Why does she not feel the need to do the same? She's obviously unhappy, but she has no desire to change. It's like she wants someone to wave a wand to make her lose weight while she continues with her same old habits. And she's so set in her ways...She refuses to do any exercise because she's "too old for all that nonsense" (she's not even 40), and she keeps coming in with fast food because she "forgot to go grocery shopping."
I've kindly made suggestions when she complains about her weight of what she should do. When she complains about her sister, I say, "She's just trying to help you reach your goals." But she reminds me that she's too old and blahblahblah. I just feel so judgemental, because I get so angry. It makes me even more angry when she tells me about how she pacifies her 2 year old with McDonald's daily.
I know it's not my life and not my business...I really just needed to get my feelings out there. I'm so frustrated with her, and I hate sitting at my desk with so much judgement towards her, but I just don't know how to let it go.
You seem concerned about being judgmental. But these kinds of posts generally result in the same thing: other people judging some stranger depicted in one person's post. We know nothing about your co-worker except what you have described in your post. And people are going to focus on her. It happens all the time. And I don't get it. You are the one here. You are the one posting. You are the one I care about.
Everyone is judgmental to some degree. It's how we tell right from wrong, what job to take, who we marry, who our friends. I think being judgmental has a bad reputation. Your profile pic indicates you are a mom. I think you will want your kids to be judgmental in their selection of friends. You may not want them to be mean or disrespectful in doing so. But you'll want them to "use good judgment" when making decisions.
You've already said something to your co-worker. What else is there for you to do? If hearing someone eat and drink "drives you up the wall," I suspect you may not like your co-worker. It's even possible that while you are making healthy decisions and have lost a lot of weight (congrats on 70 pounds!) that you see her as a reminder of your old habits.
Why are you so angry? Why does it matter what someone else in your office eats? What could possibly benefit you in knowing *why* you co-worker makes the decisions she does? Unless you are struggling with the same decisions, I don't see how it matters.
The way you've described your co-worker makes her sounds like a pretty sad person. How sad are you? You've lost 70 pounds! You are doing something very right. I just don't get the anger part, which you bring up multiple times. Are you angry about something else? Is it possible that there is other stuff going on in your life that has nothing to do with your co-worker? I'm not a psychologist, but I'm nosy and arrogant enough to ask blunt questions on the Internet. I hope it's helpful in some way.0 -
I had an old friend invite me over and with a dozen Krispy Kremes and a Venti Starbucks Frappicino on her table talk to me about how she is going to get gastric bypass because she doesn't want diabetes. I just said, "Let's go walking then." And she said, "No, my mind is made up." And so I say, "I wish you all the best." And that is all you can do.0
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My friend was a very positive force in my life because after listening for a certain amount of time she then became bluntly honest and refused to let me complain to her anymore. She basically told me " look I don't want to hear it, you don't do anything about it and I'm tired of listening to it, so if you are going to continue to complain do it to someone else" and you know what, I agreed with her. I realized how others felt when I complained to them all the time, which I never really thought that people were tired of hearing it, it just never crossed my mind. But boy she really helped me out by making me take a good hard look at the reality of my situation. I am not saying be mean but you can be blunt and let her know you don't have to listen to it anymore.
NO...she could be sensitive to the point that hearing something like this would ruin your friendship...if you are willing to pay that price....well...dont do it anyway
I think some people need the blunt force due to the fact that if you keep babying them then they will continue on the wrong path. I needed it and it helped me alot, at the time I didn't like it but as I think back it helped. I also feel a lot better than before. So if you feel you can do it I say go for it otherwise just redirect the convo to something else...you still have to work with her no matter what so it's all ur decision.0 -
What are you really asking here? There are plenty of "I'm bothered by my friend/co-worker/relative/partner/spouse's eating habits" threads. It's natural for me to start focusing on something in my life, then notice it more in others. Whether that's eating better, exercising, being less selfish, whatever. It's in my head and now I'm sensitized to it. So noticing other people's eating habits while participating on MFP is unsurprising. It's how our brains work.
You seem concerned about being judgmental. But these kinds of posts generally result in the same thing: other people judging some stranger depicted in one person's post. We know nothing about your co-worker except what you have described in your post. And people are going to focus on her. It happens all the time. And I don't get it. You are the one here. You are the one posting. You are the one I care about.
Everyone is judgmental to some degree. It's how we tell right from wrong, what job to take, who we marry, who our friends. I think being judgmental has a bad reputation. Your profile pic indicates you are a mom. I think you will want your kids to be judgmental in their selection of friends. You may not want them to be mean or disrespectful in doing so. But you'll want them to "use good judgment" when making decisions.
You've already said something to your co-worker. What else is there for you to do? If hearing someone eat and drink "drives you up the wall," I suspect you may not like your co-worker. It's even possible that while you are making healthy decisions and have lost a lot of weight (congrats on 70 pounds!) that you see her as a reminder of your old habits.
Why are you so angry? Why does it matter what someone else in your office eats? What could possibly benefit you in knowing *why* you co-worker makes the decisions she does? Unless you are struggling with the same decisions, I don't see how it matters.
The way you've described your co-worker makes her sounds like a pretty sad person. How sad are you? You've lost 70 pounds! You are doing something very right. I just don't get the anger part, which you bring up multiple times. Are you angry about something else? Is it possible that there is other stuff going on in your life that has nothing to do with your co-worker? I'm not a psychologist, but I'm nosy and arrogant enough to ask blunt questions on the Internet. I hope it's helpful in some way.
As I said in my original post, I know it's not my problem, but it frustrates me to hear her complain about being so miserable and then not do anything about it. I do care about this person, and I want her happy, but if she doesn't want to take action for herself, I'm powerless to help, and *that* is probably where the anger comes from. I know it's my own issue with feeling like I don't have control over something, I'm not blind to that. I'm just trying to learn how to let it go and let her be and not let it affect me so much.
I can definitely say it is hard when she brings crappy food in and is eating it right in front of me. I'm not gonna lie -- that sucks. I've mentioned to her that I don't like smelling her food because it sort of affects me a bit, and she laughed it off. But, to be fair to her, I'm also not the type of person to expect anyone to be troubled over my issues, so I laughed it off with her. I would never be comfortable asking her not to eat that stuff at her desk just because I'm a recovering compulsive over-eater.
This is truly something I need to work on with myself. I've offered to help her lose weight if she wants to, there's nothing more I can do. I just need to learn how to "smile and nod" when she starts complaining about it and not let it be something that bothers me. I'll have to work on that myself.
Thank you all for allowing me to vent and helping me see I really need to just learn how to let go.0 -
This is truly something I need to work on with myself. I've offered to help her lose weight if she wants to, there's nothing more I can do. I just need to learn how to "smile and nod" when she starts complaining about it and not let it be something that bothers me. I'll have to work on that myself.
Thank you all for allowing me to vent and helping me see I really need to just learn how to let go.
I am convinced that 90% of the time, we already have the solution inside us. It just takes some of us time/experience/guidance/smacks on the head/etc. to get there. A wonderful saying I heard years ago about this very idea: "whatever you come looking for, you coming looking with."0 -
A wonderful saying I heard years ago about this very idea: "whatever you come looking for, you coming looking with."
^ This is great! So true... :flowerforyou:0
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