Needing some advice, please

aqcannon · July 2012

The other day my wife was asking me how I'd advise someone with overweight children (in the obese category) to help them change to a healthier lifestyle.

I gave her some basic things I've learned in my journey (far from over).

Turns out the woman she was asking about was my sister-in-law. A great family overall, but I've noticed today especially some real bad eating behavior. I don't normally try to stir up controversy with a discussion I don't belong in, but I'm concerned about those kids.

Two of the kids are obese (according to my wife's report from her sister's dr visit). They sat down at the table for our Fourth of July lunch and their mom said to the youngest "Do you want to make a triple decker cheese burger?" Since I was logging my meal on my phone at the time, I thought I'd log his just out of curiosity. That one meal (triple decker burger, cheese (2 slices), bun, large pile of Doritos and NO cantaloupe, watermelon, lettuce or tomato) logged upwards of 1200 calories. The other boy's meal was a bit better, but not a lot. In the two hours since we finished, I've seen both of them return for more food. The older one this time made a "HotDogBurger" in which he stacked a hamburger patty, a hot dog, and nacho chips then covered them all with cheese and wrapped them in a bun.

They went to the fridge and asked for some milk. When I told them the two choices were 1% and Skim (Non-fat) they snorted in derision. One of them said "drink the 1% it's better because it tastes better" I jokingly replied, "yeah, but if you drink the skim milk you're a step closer to not looking like me". They just laughed and said "We're not fat so we can drink the 1%". I about fell out of my chair as I watched their pudgy hands wrap around the cup.

I know that I should have done more to make sure there were healthy choices as far as whole wheat buns, pitas, lettuce wraps, etc. But I was outvoted by the adults planning the party. My main point of this whole thing is not to talk about the food options we made available. I was able to find plenty of healthy, low cal, low fat choices between the yogurt, they salad, the fabulous watermelon, honeydew, and cantaloupe, and other foods we have in the house. My point, instead is to ask: should I have said something to the mother/father/kids about choices. I hate seeing them starting this lifestyle so early in life (one is 8 the other is 10). I worry about them just getting worse. I mentioned it to my wife and she just shrugged it off and said "don't rock the boat". I agree, to some degree, but if I were on the Titanic and I happened to see the iceberg before anyone else, I think I would definitely have rocked that boat trying to get everyone off.

Advice is welcome. I value the opinions of my MFP friends and family.

Thanks.

loserforlife · July 2012

Can you talk to the sister in law in private? Or would that cause a fight? Cause in my family it would be war!

loserforlife · July 2012

BUMP

kat5556 · July 2012

I think you can offer them some great advise from someone's who's been there. However, today wouldn't have been the right time since the party was already underway. Ask the adults if you can talk with them sometime and if they will meet with you, then share your concerns.

Bobby_Clerici · July 2012

OUCH!
This is a tough one. I am always just direct "your kids are too fat"....
...but only if I think me butting in might actually affect a positive change.
Here's the deal. THEY KNOW!
And I have 5 kids - all in peak condition - all striving in school, sports and their respective social circles.
We live by example, and every now and then, somebody will ask me.
They think I know some secret.
EAT LESS-MOVE MORE
No junk food or soda or TV in the house - EVER!
That usually ends the conversation, because parents without discipline can't suddenly become tough when the chips are down.
We can't give what we do not have.

Tanig32 · July 2012

Obesity in children is a very serious problem when i was volunteering at the school there was two girls in my kindergarten class that were close to 200 lbs and they had a hard time just walking and it was very sad to witness. If the mother has heard this from the doctor then she needs to help her children make lifestyle changes before it is too late, maybe your wife doesnt want any problems but children are not exempt from high blood pressure diabetes or heart attacks. If you want to talk to the mother just explain to her that you care about the children and that is why you are concerned about their health and the lifelong issues that go along with obesity. Im posting a website below that might help.

http://www.myoverweightchild.com/

rejie1 · July 2012

I come from a long line of over weight to obese family. We love to eat being from Louisiana. Playing devil's advocate. 1) if the mother is not even going to listen to the 'doctor' that her sons are obese then why would she listen to someone who is a family member and not a stranger. Who would have the well being in their heart?
2) did you show your wife or better yet your sister what you had logged in on your phone? Maybe by showing them you would have started the boat shimming. You sister may have asked how to do it a little different. Then make suggestions with the kids in mind. This is what they are going to like and go from there. The main thing I see my kids liked as they grew up was the carbs more than the meat. Be a tad sneaky. Next time take the milk and pour skim into the 1% jug.
Sometimes it is the mind that you have to trick until it wakes up and goes WOW not so bad.
It is sad that they are only 8 and 10 years old and already are on this road. As an uncle if you are close to your nephews you can quietly do this. Try starting the being more active approach first, to burn off what they have eaten and go from there.
I hope that this at least helps you make your choice on how to handle this. You know your family more than a stranger does.
Good luck to you and your nephews.

Ninatoots · July 2012

I think the best advise is setting a good example. We can't drag people to change, whether children or adults. We change when we ourselves know within ourselves we need to change. Self motivation is best. They are in denial, I believe.

I hope this helps.

Nina

MindyBlack · July 2012

Weight is certainly a touchy subject. I would proceed with caution. Nothing provokes a mamma bear like having her cubs messed with. Maybe the best thing you can do is continue to set a good example for them.
It sounds like you had fine choices there. The mother is responsible to make sure her children are making better choices of what is available. No adult needs to eat a triple decker cheeseburger let alone a child.
If you really feel the need to address the issue do so privately, not with the children around. Make sure your sister in law knows you only mean the best for her children and that you are speaking from the heart because of your struggles.
How active are the children? I know you have had lots of mobility issues lately but is there someway you can offer to take them swimming, hiking, biking, volleyball, etc?
Whatever you decide to do, good luck. Most of all just keep being the great example that you are.

Apazman · July 2012

Granted, my family is full of crazy *****es and I would never attempt to tell them anything, but, just the same .. I wish I wasn't a fat kid and someone made my life harder by getting me into shape. so as that nephew, I would hate it at first but thank you so much later.

Its a difficult problem, but if you really wish to affect change then the direct approach is the best.

1. In a Direct and sesnsitive manner:
tell them how you much you care about them and thier kids.
Tell them your concerns
Tell them you would be willing to help if possible

2. Knowledge is a powerful thing:
Share:
Physical issues associated with childhood obesity:
Diabetes, Illness, cancers

Physcological issues:
Depression
Anxeity
Solitude
Suicide

Sharing dark personal stories about being an overwieght child may help them realize the dammage that it can cause.

3.Offer solutions:
Bike rides
nutrition counsoling
gymnastics
YMCA
After dinner walks

4. End with once again sharing how much you care about them and thier kids.

ConstableOdo · July 2012

I am one of those people who will confront people I know about problems I see. People that are around me know I am direct AND I don't care if they never speak to me again. So if I were to say "Your kid is really sorta obese... Bet you you'll outlive him!" They would probably take that pretty seriously and they sort of can't get angry because they know I am that way.

Are you the direct type? Are you the passive type? You have to know the role people expect you to play. If you are the passive type, try making a sandwich exactly like the kid's... Log it as you slowly munch it and when you are done logging say something to someone else, but loud enough to hear. "Oh my God. This plate has 1200 calories in it." Be horrified and make sure they hear, refuse to eat the rest of the food. Now. I am not sure how passive works, so much, but you have to get the message across in the way you can be most effective.

NoAdditives · July 2012

I would talk to one or both parents in private. Talk about what you've learned and about your concern for the kids' health. Offer assistance in planning healthier meals and transitioning to healthier foods. Beyond that, there's not really anything you can do.

Jewels_Ka · July 2012

I think at this age that the kids are in you should only talk to parents. It really does not matter how you do it... it may upset them. But ofcaurse the more sympathetic you are the better. Have parents join MFP just to see what they are doing to the kidds when their diets are concern. AND yes THEY KNOW... they just need some encouragement. Lead by example.

Once the kidds hit the puberty and high school its ok to talk to them about directly. maybe talk about girls and self esteem and attraction. maybe they can point out someone they may like and set that as a goal...Maybe by that time you will be just an incredible example for them and they will come to you for advise on their own...

I think you are doing great - and they ALL see it.
Set example, and maybe vocalize at the table what you are having. like saying, "please pass the WHOLE Wheet wrap" or some fruit would be nice. or I am going for a walk, any one wants to join me?

You are in Tough position - and they are lucky to have someone who cares about them.

splashangel · July 2012

The parents know. The doctor told the mama. Child says he's not fat..... Mama didn't take it to heart. I got quesy reading the description of their food intake. Good for you on holding your peace. Yes, it's tough to watch. Try not to look. :laugh: My 11 year old was over weight and didn't play much. Because I changed my life, it changed his. It was gradual but he now on occasion makes good food choices.

He is no longer over weight and is super active. The healthier you get the more bad things you will notice. But, your hands are kinda tied here. LEAD BY EXAMPLE. They may not take hold of it right now but plant the seed. Become their hero. Make healthy but good treats and drop off to them. Take them to a ball game or swimming and on the way home take them out to eat at subway or somewhere they can see you making good choices and are kinda limited on bad. But don't say much about it untill they open the door.

michellekicks · July 2012

In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with telling the children, "That is terrible for your body. Even I wouldn't eat a burger that big." I have 5 kids at home and two of them are watching their weight a bit... not our doing; theirs (9 and 12). They know they're chubbier than their friends but neither is considered obese in the slightest. We teach about eating nutritious foods first and having modest portions of junk foods.

Having said that, I've switched the kids back to 2% milk across the board. I've read many articles about dietary fat being of less concern (I don't watch my fat intake, just protein) and I believe if they feel full longer from the higher fat milk intake, they'll be less likely to eat snack foods. Everyone used to drink whole milk and 2% back in the day and far fewer people were fat. The fat skimmed from the milk only takes off 20 calories per cup or something. It's silly to make it about the milk fat. It's those burgers you need to be worried about.

I think with kids it's about modeling the behavior. They see what everyone else is doing. No child is going to choose healthy foods when mom and dad aren't.

Needing some advice, please

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