How do I tell a friend shes worrying me?

FitJoani · November 2009

I have a friend whos morbidly obese as in almost 400 lbs. she eats insane amounts of food and unhealthy food to boot. an average meal is pasta with a sider of pasta(all white) perhaps an appetizer garlic toast and an enormous dessert. all washed down by regular soda. all the while she whines and brace yourself....that "it sucks its non smoking in here" after getting outside its lighting up for a smoke or three followed by something else what i say losers smoke. she gets winded walking up a 1/2 percent less grade beven before a block. the doctor told her her cholesteral and trigycerides are high to boot. I asked her to at least WALK the HALF marathon and she says she wouldnt be able to commit to it. Before it was bad but now im terrifyed beyond belief i am gonna get a call from her mom saying she took a massive heart attack and didnt mnake it. she needs an intervention badly. i just need tips in how to do it without her flipping out

majatron · November 2009

Hiya,

This is my first post, so let's see here...

It is totally understandable that you're feeling the way you do. It sounds like your friend is headed down a path that may lead to serious health problems. The thing is this: If you're a friend of hers you have every right to let her know how you feel. She might get pissed off, she might not. She might just shrug it off and keep eating. If she doesn't see a problem with her food intake and lifestyle, then that means she might not be ready to make the changes necessary to start losing weight.

You never know: it could be your expressing to her your fears that wakes her up. Some people never "wake up". If she's eating herself into a stupor, there may be something she's trying to cope with. However, that's something she's going to have to figure out on her own. Perhaps she needs a little nudge. If she gets angry with your for bringing this up, it confirms that she knows what's she is doing to her body isn't healthy. If she doesn't react at all and keeps on the same habits, then you can at least say that you tried to help a friend who needed help.

In the end, you will have to accept that your friend has to make the decision to change things when she's ready. Heck, maybe she wants to ask you for help and doesn't know how.

Hope this helps.

I just got back from the gym and was about to log my food before having a beer and saw your post.

~MAJA

PS: I have a friend who is OA. She's overweight and goes to OA because it helps tremendously. She's having a hard time dropping tons of weight, but she isn't getting any bigger. It is hard for me sometimes watching her eat food I think is horrible, but I know she is doing the best that she can, which is exactly how I operate too. I don't know your friend well enough to know why she lives the way she does, but if you're worried and afraid for her, then you're a friend she needs :-) Hope it all goes well.

CinthyNair · November 2009

I think that she is a lucky girl to have a concerned friend like you. I have many friends, but none of them had the courage to tell it to my face to do something about my size.

My wake up call was when one evening, my 5 yr old son told me that "you are fat". It was a slap to the face, I cried my eyes out, then i silently thanked him for putting it bluntly to me. Ever since then, I made a promise to myself to make changes.

Maybe that's exactly what your friend needs too ...

jhb090107 · November 2009

Just an idea - push the activity and not the smoking. I have been cutting down big time on the calories and pushing harder than I can ever remember with the exercise and I still smoke. Even with the evidence of all the good that can come from a healthy lifestyle I am still smoking and am still a little scared to quit - this was sorta my plan I am getting sicker and sicker of smoking and know I could get more calories burned with less effort if I would just quit, so I'm getting there. Maybe if you tried one issue at a time?

But if I knew what to tell people I would be skinny on the book signing lecture tour! For me I had to confront my own mortality (I'm a little stubborn) b/f I was willing to change

KatWood · November 2009

I think you need to sit her down and tell her how you feel. She may get upset but I would rather hurt a friend's feeling than see her lose her life. Try to be as gentle as possible, empasizing how much you love her and tell her that you could be there for each other. Do not do this intervention with a big group of people. I think it should be just you and her. It wouldn't hurt to tell her that it would help you to stay on track having a friend with similar goals and lifestyle. Even if it is a lie, it might make her feel better knowing it isn't all about her. Also, if it was me I would not push the smoking too much. I mean everyone knows it is bad for them and it might be overwhelming to try and change too much at once. I found that once I started exercising the impact of my smoking became evident. There was no way I could complete some of my fitness goals without quitting, and so I did. That isn't too say you should subject yourself to her second hand smoke, definitely not.

If she refuses and continues her lifestyle then you can at least assure yourself that you tried. And you can continue to be her friend and a positive role model. You will be there for her when she decides to change whether it is now or later.

Good luck.

jrbowers83 · November 2009

I have a few members of my family that are or were similar to your friend, and I am consantly in the food battle. But my sister made some huge changes when she had a surprise 2nd child at 39. She was over 350 lbs. during her pregnancy, a smoker, and horribly addicted to regular soda. She quit smoking cold turkey shortly before she had her baby. Also, she started stocking up on a lot of veggies. She said that it wasn't so much WHAT she ate but the fact that she was hungry and NEEDED to eat a lot. She is now down to almost 300 lbs. in 3 years, so I applaud her. I guess my point is that your friend needs some motivation to start down the right path. My sister did it because she wants to live to see her daughter grow up. Now, she's still morbidly obese and unable to exercise due to a shattered ankle, but most days she at least thinks of healthier food options, and that's a start.
Just make sure you focus on the fact it is her HEALTH and NOT her weight that bothers you (she may already have a body image issue, which starts a depression cycle and more food binging) and introduce her to a site like this one. When she sees what's actually in the food she's downing maybe it will turn her off to it a little as it does you. I know I personally would down a dozen cookies...until I read the cals, fat, and carbs they're loaded with. Then a couple of cookies made with applesauce and Splenda taste heavenly in comparison!
I wish you and your friend luck and hope that it turns out well.

pinbotchick · November 2009

I wish you luck with your friend. If you approach her, do it for health reasons and rather than for weight.

I have a friend that weighs more than me and I sent her an e-mail after I lost my first 5 pounds on how excited I was about me and how much better I was feeling and on how shocked I was about how many calories some of the foods I had been eating contained... I included info on MFP and how much I loved it. I didn't say a thing about her - I figured she knew how much she weighed and what she was eating. She checked the site out and has joined. I didn't know if she wanted to lose weight or how she felt about it but approaching it from the standpoint of my gains, I became a role model for her. Since then we have had many interesting chats about how we always dream of being the skinny girl. She is now down 8 pounds and I am down 20.

I have a dream of walking (or running a marathon) and it was overwhelming me on where to start. My friend let me know it has been a dream of hers too. So we have started the c25k training with a 5K planned for April. This may be a more obtainable goal for your friend - walking a 5K. I figure we are starting with 5K, will go to 10K and then on to a half marathon. Someday our dreams may come true and we will complete the marathon.

pkgirrl · November 2009

Yeah, I'm BAD with emotions and confrontation, so I won't even try to give you advice there - but you are doing the right thing, and she's lucky to have a friend like you that cares enough to possibly jeopardize your friendship to help her.

I agree with jbh though, one thing at a time. Odds are, if she doesn't learn to not eat out of emotion before she quits smoking, the eating will get a LOT worse. My stepmother, who is also quite obese (5'2, probably pretty close to the 300lb mark now) gained a good 50lbs at least when she quit smoking, and still hasn't given up the compensation eating. Even her husband has tried buying her an expensive membership at a very fancy gym, (he's not much for confrontation either, so this may have been his slightly more nonchalant way of saying "YOU NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT," and she just goes and sits in the hot tub for 2 hours.. go figure.

Actually, gmy membership might not be a bad idea. Christmas is coming up, so a lot of gyms have membership specials, and you could even get a membership for 2, or something, so you can go together. If you take her to the gym with you, its essentially saying you see her as a fitness equal, and maybe if you show some solid faith in her, she'll start to respect herself more, and maybe, just maybe, she'll want to get in shape for herself.

Good luck, and remember, no matter what approach you decide to take, or how she handles it, you are a great friend, and all you can do is try

leavinglasvegas · November 2009

You are such a good friend! What a lucky girl to have someone in her life as concerned as you are.

You are also in a tough situation. She has to be ready to make the change, and you have to be strong enough to accept it if she is not ready. I'm not a therapist yet, but I've taken tons of psychology courses. It is important for you to be detatched from the outcome before you become involved. You do need to express your concern, but be prepared for her reaction. Some people close up when they realize that loved ones are trying to intervene. That doesn't mean you didn't do the right thing, it means they have to come to terms with it on thier own. Most importantly, stick to your guns and be the example. If you express your concern and refrain from being judgemental, she will come to you when she is ready. The best thing to do is tell her that you are concerned about her health. Remind her of how much you love her and that you need her to be at her best for you, just as much as she may need you. Don't bring up weight or dieting, those things tend to make anyone resist. Keep it all about health. Remind her that you are avaiable for her in any way she may need. Then let it go. You put the info out there, now its up to her. That will be the hard part for you, but it is the most important. She has to know that she can feel emotionally safe with you for a while before she can commit to listening to your advise. Continue to lead by example, even request that she not smoke around you because its not healthy for you. It's a touchy subject. She has to know that she is not being threatened. She has to realize that she wants to change. She also needs to know that no matter what, she will still have a friend that is not judging her.

I have these kinds of friends too. It is very hard to watch them hurt themselves. I have to remember to never enable their behaviour, but also never judge it. I don't laugh at the jokes or strange ways they justify things, and I never bend in my own healthy choices. For some people, they will decide to change. Others will continue on the path of self destruction. It's never easy to watch, but the only thing you can do is offer to be supportive. The rest really is up to them. It is hard to watch sometimes. Good luck to you and her. I will keep you in my prayers.

FitJoani · November 2009

i love you guys for this advice. I may break it to her over a walk. the endorphins will be flowing andit may seem less mean. i mean itas all good tho. im just worried

rheign · November 2009

If you want to help your friend, I suggest you start with smaller goals than walking a half marathon. At her fitness level, that could be incredibly overwhelming. Maybe invite her to go for a walk a few times a week or perhaps suggest she get the Wii and play Wii Fit. Getting her moving is the first step. Facing why she got there in the first place will come in her journey.

If you feel you need to be more aggressive in your approach, perhaps you could suggest she see a counselor to address her issues with food. HTH. Keep us posted. ;]

derrysue · December 2009

Being a woman, that was 311 just last year, I can really relate to your friend. My grandfather used to come down on me ALL the time! and I really resented him for that. Is there any activity that she likes to do? I didn't like to go out in public, because of my size. And I certainly would not have stepped into the gym, because I felt everyone would stare a me. But maybe she likes bowling, or walking the mall, or the park? If she is your friend, you know what she enjoys, aside from food. Try to embrace her activity and ask her to do that with you. Then, make sure this activity ISN'T rewarded with a stop for food. I would always think, "I burned calories, I can eat!" Do you both have other friends in common that you can invite to this activity? The more the merrier.

I know that I am new to OA, but the 1st step reminds that being powerless over food is a disease and I am blameless. This is a hard thing for me to accept, being blameless, but when I do, I know the weight will be gone for good. I bet there is a meeting nearby and that you both could go together. Also, take one of her favorite meals and rework it. If it is pasta, make and bring over a wheat pasta meal. I loved my kielbasa salad, so I changed my recipe to wheat pasta, turkey kielbasa, lowfat American cheese, light mayo and sugarfree maple syrup. I kept the cucumber slices, pepper and dijon mustard and added grape tomatoes. It wasn't the same asmy original one, but it was still satisfying and my whole family is now eating it instead. I may have only cut "some" of the calories out, but that's a start. That got me rethinking ALL of my meals, which brought down my total calorie intake. Now, even my husband is substituting butter Pam instead of butter!!

I guess my point would be, a few baby steps, gentle approach and enjoy HER passions, for awhile. Who knows, maybe she cut down to lights, ultra-lights & then quit smoking too!! Please add me as a friend and keep me posted. I do wish I had a close friend who was as concerned about me as you are about her!! She is very lucky, indeed!

How do I tell a friend shes worrying me?

Replies

Categories