I need a RANT!

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LydiaA82
LydiaA82 Posts: 36
in Chit-Chat
Ive been with my partner for 5 years, we have two gorgeous babies (Cruz is 1.5 years and Holly is 2.5years)
I work 20 hours a week over 4 days and he works a shift pattern of 24 hour days 3 days a week for 2 weeks (he gets a day or 2 off inbetween) and then 1 day on week 3 so he works about 10 shifts per month (hope that makes sense!

I get up every morning wth the babies and have since they were born while he has a lie in, i do ALL the housework on my 3 days off a week while he sits and plays cod on ps3 or does whatever he wants on his, i take the babies to nursery and pick them up (he does come with me sometimes), he gets at least 2 days off a week to himself, the babies are at nursery and i'll be at work.
If i say to him i need some time out he acts like i dont deserve it, like its an inconvenience for me to leave our babies with him, i feel like i need to ask him to look after his own children so i can go out alone for a few hours.

Its driving me mad!!

Ive made him sound like a bum, he isnt, he works hard for our family and he does cook most nights as m a rubbish cook, he loves our babies and is an amazing dad but he really needs to pull his finger out, im not superwomen, i cant physically do everythig on my own!

Ok rant over!

Thank for reading, feel better now!

(sorry about all typos, im typing fast to vent lol)
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Replies

  • nickichambers
    nickichambers Posts: 11 Member
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    Breathe, breathe and BREATHE!

    A friend of mine is in the opposite of this- she lies in, doesn't work, doesn't really clean the house, whereas her hubby gets up EVERY morning with the kids, even if hes had a late night and she hasnt!

    I know it's probably hard to do, but calmly telling him how you feel might help? Ask for more help and if that doesnt work, take a set of keys to the COD disk :tongue:
  • LydiaA82
    LydiaA82 Posts: 36
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    nickiduke

    Ok im calm now, got my beathing under control lol
    I do tell him, he does well for an hour maybe then thinks he has done his fair share!
    Honestly its like having a 36 year old son!

    Mmmmm not a bad idea.......... :laugh:
  • tadpole242
    tadpole242 Posts: 507 Member
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    nickiduke

    Ok im calm now, got my beathing under control lol
    I do tell him, he does well for an hour maybe then thinks he has done his fair share!
    Honestly its like having a 36 year old son!

    Mmmmm not a bad idea.......... :laugh:
    Apply Rule #5
  • LydiaA82
    LydiaA82 Posts: 36
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    Rule #5?

    What am i missing?
  • tadpole242
    tadpole242 Posts: 507 Member
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    Rule #5?

    What am i missing?
    You, yes you, need to tell your guy to Harden the **** up, as in get a grip on his life, this is not a practice, this is real. 10 shifts a month... light weight. I work 5 x12 hours a week. I'd work nights and still spend a couple of hours with the little one. Day shifts I'd come home and my wife would get her rest when I took over till bed time. Metro men :shakes head:
  • sodaisy
    sodaisy Posts: 69
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    Just told my other half to pull his act together as I can't cope living with him anymore... Must be something in the air???
  • Blondehelmet
    Blondehelmet Posts: 32 Member
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    Maybe when you ask him for some time to your self you feel a little bit guilty for whatever reason and he knows it, so plays on that by complaining and acting like it's this massive thing and Bam! You don't end up taking the time you deserve.

    Let him complain a little bit, but take the time you need. Turn it into a regular thing, like every Tuesday for a couple of hours or whatever. Don't ask, don't discuss, just take the time, let him deal with it any way he pleases (while you're not there) and refuse to feel guilty.

    Sometimes we need to be selfish for a little bit so that we can recharge. Good luck!
  • misskatibear
    misskatibear Posts: 158 Member
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    In advance, I'm sorry to any males reading this - And this may not be you at all...BUT

    I generally find with guys, they need a lot of Thank you's and appreciation. Where as you don't get thanked for doing things, and you probably don't expect to. For some reason, I usually tend to find they need this from us women :P Even if it's taking the trash out, or looking after the kids, just turn around and be really grateful and thankful. Whereas most women who do house chores don't get thanked by their partner, and don't expect to - Men need it! (Generally).

    So, perhaps try a different 'route' of asking him. Just say "I'd really appreciate it if you looked after the kids for an hour, you'd be my hero." And don't thank him enough!

    Again this doesn't apply to everyone, so sorry if I'm offending anyone, but it's just something I've noticed!

    It's kind of like when kids do bad stuff, and to get rid of the bad stuff you have to be very rewarding towards the good stuff they do!
  • Goonygugu
    Goonygugu Posts: 114
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    Here's an idea - on a day when you are both off and the babies are home - make sure that there are meals prepared and the nappies etc are fully stocked.

    Then Clamly hand him the little ones, take the car keys, and tell him that you are going out for a few hours and he is on baby sitting duty.

    Smile sweetly, give them all and kiss and Leave....


    call up a girl friend and go speand a day out and about just having some "me" time :-)

    the kids may be dirty when you get home - but hey nothing a bath can't fix :-)
  • bkhfws
    bkhfws Posts: 11
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    Not today but someday if you don't get him to respect you as a woman and realize that you need "down" time this rant will come to a boil and things will be said that can't be taken back. Try to talk to him when you both are not tired and you are not needing the down time that day. That will be the easiest time to talk and let him be braced, for lack of a better word, for you taking DOWN TIME. As long as there is love and respect we all can come to a reasonable understanding.
  • LydiaA82
    LydiaA82 Posts: 36
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    Update - I took all your advice and talked to him again, he said he is aware that he doesnt do a lot around the house and i should write him a list of what i would like him to do. Progress

    But...... I asked him to do 2 things last night, take out the recycling and bring in the babies bags from the car, did he do those things? NO!

    But he did cook me a lovely tea

    MEN! lol
  • AllTehBeers
    AllTehBeers Posts: 5,030 Member
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    Here's an idea - on a day when you are both off and the babies are home - make sure that there are meals prepared and the nappies etc are fully stocked.

    Then Clamly hand him the little ones, take the car keys, and tell him that you are going out for a few hours and he is on baby sitting duty.

    Smile sweetly, give them all and kiss and Leave....


    call up a girl friend and go speand a day out and about just having some "me" time :-)

    the kids may be dirty when you get home - but hey nothing a bath can't fix :-)

    This is what I was thinking, though she said it a bit nicer lol. He needs to put his d*ck on and be a daddy!

    Get ready to go out while he's playing his games or whatever, then put the babies in his arms and say okay I'm off! Though, I think I'd make a mad dash to the car after that.
  • LydiaA82
    LydiaA82 Posts: 36
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    Here's an idea - on a day when you are both off and the babies are home - make sure that there are meals prepared and the nappies etc are fully stocked.

    Then Clamly hand him the little ones, take the car keys, and tell him that you are going out for a few hours and he is on baby sitting duty.

    Smile sweetly, give them all and kiss and Leave....


    call up a girl friend and go speand a day out and about just having some "me" time :-)

    the kids may be dirty when you get home - but hey nothing a bath can't fix :-)

    This is what I was thinking, though she said it a bit nicer lol. He needs to put his d*ck on and be a daddy!

    Get ready to go out while he's playing his games or whatever, then put the babies in his arms and say okay I'm off! Though, I think I'd make a mad dash to the car after that.

    He is a great dad, he does a lot with the babies.. He is just selfish when i comes to me.
    Maybe its my fault, i do tend to take over and like things done my way!
  • AllTehBeers
    AllTehBeers Posts: 5,030 Member
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    He is a great dad, he does a lot with the babies.. He is just selfish when i comes to me.
    Maybe its my fault, i do tend to take over and like things done my way!

    That's great that he spends time with them, but part of being a good daddy (husband) is realizing that you need your get away time.

    I completely understand the urge to take things over, you just don't want it done wrong. This is something I have had to work on in my current relationship as we both have a slight take charge attitude. You have to come to a point where you realize that just because someone does something in a different way, doesn't make it incorrect.

    Maybe try giving him the responsibility and then just letting him do it, compliment him and stroke his ego a bit. Tell him how great of a father he is and how he does such a good job taking care of them while you're out. You both need down time so at some point there has to be give and take from both sides.
  • GoTakizawa
    GoTakizawa Posts: 21
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    Tell your husband to consider the alternative and get off his tuchas! You should be a team! I am a single parent, the father doesn't help me at all, and I have no family that is able to help me. I have to rely on paid child care so that I can work full time, 3rd shift and provide for her. It is so easy to take a partner for granted I suppose when you don't think about the alternative.
  • Marmitegeoff
    Marmitegeoff Posts: 373 Member
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    i do tend to take over and like things done my way!

    My wife (of 39.9 years) is like that. I do the washing up and dry the stuff and put them away. 30 mins later she is pulling everything out of the cupboard to dry it all again. "to make sure it is dry" ?

    As I say married for 40 years it is not going to change now.
  • alikrorp225
    alikrorp225 Posts: 54
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    I've been married for almost 20 years. We have three kids, ages 17, 14, and 11. When we first got married and had our first child, I did e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. I worked full time, took care of our daughter, cleaned house, cooked dinner...I was wiped out! One day, I was "ranting" to my mom about it, in the nicest way possible, of course. :wink: My mom listened patiently while I told her how tired I was..blah blah. When I finished, she smiled at me and told me something that changed my life: "You teach people how to treat you by your actions." She then went on to explain that my husband didn't help me then because I was doing it all<<seems so simple, right? She said that if I wanted help, I would have to ask for it. Men are not mind readers. She even said that, in fact, I would have to ask more than once...again and again...always in a respectful but firm way. It took him a bit of time, but he (and I) changed. He's a wonderful husband and father. I'm very thankful! We both had some growing up to do, though. Now, understand I'm not telling you to "nag" him. Men HATE that. Just choose one thing you would like to be different and talk to him about it. Don't expect him to change everything to the way you want all at once...one thing at a time. Now, my husband is so attentive that I can say, "It's hot in here," and he'll get up and turn on the fan for me. We both cook(which is SO fun!) He gets time to himself for his hobbies and he gives me my girls' night out. We also have date nights every week. Don't give up! Lots of acknowledgment, as someone else mentioned...when he does it right, say so!:happy: You'll see a change before you know it.
  • GoTakizawa
    GoTakizawa Posts: 21
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    Some of these suggestions sound like you guys are training a puppy or something...seems almost disrespectful. I think that if you are in a relationship with someone, man or woman, you should be able to have an intelligent discussion about your requirements of each other and have some compromise. Why does someone need praise for doing something like taking out the trash, unless they are child? Just seems wrong to me. :(
  • 1Kristine1
    1Kristine1 Posts: 697 Member
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    i do tend to take over and like things done my way!

    My wife (of 39.9 years) is like that. I do the washing up and dry the stuff and put them away. 30 mins later she is pulling everything out of the cupboard to dry it all again. "to make sure it is dry" ?

    As I say married for 40 years it is not going to change now.
    Oh dear
  • jarrettd
    jarrettd Posts: 872 Member
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    He is a great dad, he does a lot with the babies.. He is just selfish when i comes to me.
    Maybe its my fault, i do tend to take over and like things done my way!

    I recognize this!

    I have the unique perspective of being a parent for the second time around (we adopted 2 of our grandchildren after their mother became incapable of caring for them.)

    The first time, with our own kids, I was like you. I wanted "me" time, but I wanted him to BE ME while I was out. I would go down a list of do's and don'ts for him, like he was a hired caregiver. I didn't figure out until this time around that I made him feel inadequate as a parent.

    Because of this, he would moan and groan about being left with the kids, or purposefully do such a miserable job of it that I wouldn't even ask him to again. It worked. I stayed home with our kids 99.9% of the time. I even worked out arrangements with another young mother to trade babysitting for unavoidable things like Dr. and dentist appts.

    This time, we had no choice. I have a demanding job, rotating 12 hr shifts, 48+ hrs per week. I wasn't in a position to give in and take care of them, nor to complain or criticize about how he got things done.

    And you know what? He ROCKS at it! Ok, so the laundry doesn't get folded just like I would do it, and sometimes there's dishes in the sink and toys all over. But he gets them up, dressed, and off to daycare and school. He picks them up, feeds them, oversees homework, bathes them and gets them dressed for bed.

    The point is: he gets it done. I don't dare mention things that I would do differently. I've learned to let it go and just be happy that they are being cared for by someone who loves them.

    Take your "me" time. Let him be a Dad, his way. You can always refold the towels while he's at work!

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