Relationship help..please help me out!!

Fathima0712
Fathima0712 Posts: 177 Member
in Motivation and Support
I am sorry to lay this all on you.. complete strangers..but my girl friends have never been through a situation like this.. they all either serial daters.. or just constant singles...none of them has ever been serious about anyone..least of all the person who knows you the best in the world!!
So here goes...
I am in love with my Best Friend of 3 years and i know for a fact that he was as crazy as about me as i was about him....We got together about one year ago and we both loved each other a LOT.....there was this thing that we were so caught up withe each other that our grades started slipping and our school called both our homes(its a private & strict school) and our parents had too meet and stuff like that and we both decided to keep things mellow for a while..then he told me that we should STRICTLY concentrate on studies till the end of senior year and then we can pick up where we left and i asked him out right whether this break is temporary or permanent and he just looked at me..smiled and told me that "do you think i can be without you forever?! that's a long long time love.." and i believed him till now and its been 6 months and we both were doing okay..we are both competing for topper place and is always neck to neck and was doing okay..but i heard from a mutual friend that he is looking to have something "silly" nothing serious like me........and i don't know how to react.. what do i do? honestly i don't want to act on it because i love him very much and value his friendship and decisions more than anything and he made it clear that we shouldn't getting in each others ways till the end of Senior year..but this thing its driving me crazy and i am just broken inside!!

Replies

  • kiminikimkim
    kiminikimkim Posts: 746 Member
    Oh I feel your pain! I've been there!

    There is nothing you can do now but to focus on school. Trust me, the outcome won't improve if you keep nagging him. I know you want a heart to heart with him and he may say things you will want to hear. Yes, there is a possibility he changed his mind. Be mentally prepared that he isn't the "one" for you. From the way I see it from his perspective, he has a guaranteed devoted girlfriend after senior year so he can have as much casual fun he wants till then.

    If he were really serious about you, he wouldn't have asked that you both should strictly concentrate on school. If he really wanted to be with you, he'd do everything possible to make the relationship work AND do well in school..... Save your dignity, and try to act like you can live without him. When I did, I wanted to cry inside everyday because I felt I was losing him but on the outside, I was the strong girl that didn't let it affect me. We did date again a year later. I broke it off because I had outgrown him.

    I'm so sorry.
  • Fathima0712
    Fathima0712 Posts: 177 Member
    Honestly..i just don't have the strength to talk to him..I will be all strong..but when i get to face him...i will just melt like icecream..and wont say anything...and just become timid...which is what i usually am....
    i am just going to let it go as a rumor with no satiable proof... let him have his fun..i have always been pretty okay with letting him flirt..even when we were together.... because i am sure in the end..he loves me..and me only... i wont disturb this "pact" or whatever we made unless i am sure there is a REAL reason to...........................like if i see him with someone else or something...!!
  • Amyrxstar
    Amyrxstar Posts: 6 Member
    first of all u r way too young to get into love stuff!!! i mean trust me.... !!! sooo stop thinknig bout tht guy... and concentrate on study!!!! cuz its senior year.. andd u know how it is important for college n stuff!!!! pluss yeah u got better thing to think bout!!!!!!!! you got manyyy mannyy years to get into any relationship....
  • jcpmoore
    jcpmoore Posts: 796 Member
    Either you trust him or you don't. If you do trust him, then there's truly nothing to worry about. If you don't trust him, then it really doesn't matter. Concentrate on school and let it go.
  • lcashy
    lcashy Posts: 34 Member
    just get on with your own life hun, it will make him wonder why you are not bothering him any more andif things are meant to be they will xxx
  • WJZR
    WJZR Posts: 98 Member
    If he is still your best friend, then be good with that. I never dated by best friend in school, because it just never occurred to us to date. We were best friends and did not want to interrupt that with dating, if you know what i mean. Well, after school, later on, we both married other people, and we hung out as couples, we were in each others weddings, god-parents to each others kids, and still just reallly good friends. well, his wife cheated on him, and lots of other stuff going on. My husband was abusive, and so we divorced. Later, after about a year, my best friend and i began to go out to dinner, to compare notes about divorces, etc etc, and one night he just up and kissed me. suddenly out of the blue. It seemed strange, but the next kiss not so strange, and well, the rest is history. We have been married for 30 years, and are still best friends.

    Dont rush into things, keep the best friend. Explore other options. If he is really the one for you, you will both figure it out.
  • brendanstallard
    brendanstallard Posts: 59 Member
    Brittu,

    You are not too young to feel this way.

    You are too young to make decisions for the rest of your life on the behaviour of a young man, surrounded by a school-ful of hormonal females.

    Men tend to be unthinking and unfeeling on matters such as fidelity. I know it takes two to tango, but the years between about 10-25 us men have nothing on our minds but sex. Sorry, that's the way it is. I know, 'cos I are one. Older now, and wiser from pain.

    Thank your lucky stars that you learned it early in life, most people don't, ever. You cannot fix him with love, you'll just make him worse. Sometimes discipline. Making absolutely sure a man knows that if he sins, retribution WILL occur, sometimes works.

    Your relationships, through your life, will offer you opportunities to judge whether you want them, or not. Every single relationship you have reflects the value you place on yourself. Don't allow others to hurt or damage your value to yourself. If someone is treating you less than well, STOP IT.

    You know what to do.

    Go do it.

    I wish you a life-time of love and happiness.




    brendan
  • leslisa
    leslisa Posts: 1,350 Member
    1. I'm sad your hurting. As a mom, it bothers me when kids hurt.

    2. He said, she said stuff always bothers me. Take what you hear on the street with grain of salt. That's not him talking, that's other people talking about him.

    3. So long as you love yourself and can concentrate on yourself and your studies for now you are going to be OK. It might not feel like you are going to be OK, but you will.

    4. Love is an up and down thing, which is why so many people divorce. For most people it's not a constant, intense, oh my God I can't believe this is happening feeling 24/7. And if he's not ready and you push (or if you aren't ready and someone else pushes) you'll both be miserable.

    You are going to be OK. Maybe not jumping up and down ecstatic but OK. Take it one day at a time and keep an open mind. And if you do hook up, you may want to make certain you are both on the same page as to how intense and devoted you are.
  • Fathima0712
    Fathima0712 Posts: 177 Member
    first of all u r way too young to get into love stuff!!! i mean trust me.... !!! sooo stop thinknig bout tht guy... and concentrate on study!!!! cuz its senior year.. andd u know how it is important for college n stuff!!!! pluss yeah u got better thing to think bout!!!!!!!! you got manyyy mannyy years to get into any relationship....

    OH yes..i have heard THAT before..from my eldest cousin who knows bout me and my guy............but honestly..... these days...in my surroundings..its not much of a new thing..!!
  • Fathima0712
    Fathima0712 Posts: 177 Member
    Either you trust him or you don't. If you do trust him, then there's truly nothing to worry about. If you don't trust him, then it really doesn't matter. Concentrate on school and let it go.

    actually.. when you said it like that..you just made things so much easier..i trust him and his judgements..he has always been a great guy.....and something like taking a break cant change that... maybe its my paranoia getting the better of me that is making me feel this way...!
  • Fathima0712
    Fathima0712 Posts: 177 Member
    If he is still your best friend, then be good with that. I never dated by best friend in school, because it just never occurred to us to date. We were best friends and did not want to interrupt that with dating, if you know what i mean. Well, after school, later on, we both married other people, and we hung out as couples, we were in each others weddings, god-parents to each others kids, and still just reallly good friends. well, his wife cheated on him, and lots of other stuff going on. My husband was abusive, and so we divorced. Later, after about a year, my best friend and i began to go out to dinner, to compare notes about divorces, etc etc, and one night he just up and kissed me. suddenly out of the blue. It seemed strange, but the next kiss not so strange, and well, the rest is history. We have been married for 30 years, and are still best friends.

    Dont rush into things, keep the best friend. Explore other options. If he is really the one for you, you will both figure it out.

    THAT is the most romantic story ever...thanks for the words of wisdom..and i honestly hope he and i get a happy ending like you both did..! :):) say Hi to that hubbie from me! your story inspired me to keep pushing on with life..! :)
  • fionarama
    fionarama Posts: 788 Member
    In all seriousness you are too young to commit to anyone that seriously. Concentrate on your studies and after that getting a career going. Then think about a committed relationship. Find out who you are and what you really want, in your ADULT life first.

    Too many people commit young and end up divorced or unhappy in their 30's because of it. Trust me .

    No need to rush anything in the relationship department. let him be himself and explore life for himself, if its going to happen there is plenty of time to let it happen .
  • Fathima0712
    Fathima0712 Posts: 177 Member
    1. I'm sad your hurting. As a mom, it bothers me when kids hurt.

    2. He said, she said stuff always bothers me. Take what you hear on the street with grain of salt. That's not him talking, that's other people talking about him.

    3. So long as you love yourself and can concentrate on yourself and your studies for now you are going to be OK. It might not feel like you are going to be OK, but you will.

    4. Love is an up and down thing, which is why so many people divorce. For most people it's not a constant, intense, oh my God I can't believe this is happening feeling 24/7. And if he's not ready and you push (or if you aren't ready and someone else pushes) you'll both be miserable.

    You are going to be OK. Maybe not jumping up and down ecstatic but OK. Take it one day at a time and keep an open mind. And if you do hook up, you may want to make certain you are both on the same page as to how intense and devoted you are.

    Thanks..and about that point number 2... I talked to my guy(lets call him X)

    ....[YES...I am a wuss...i could NOT act happy and well...i needed to talk to him]........

    and you know what he said?! ....X said.. that sure there is a girl... he has noticed that she has been crushing on HIM....and that he has just been friendly with her and acted like he doesn't KNOW that she likes him...and X also said to me that he took a break from me and him for a reason..and that was studies and nothing is gonna get in his way..it wasn't a way he made to get out of our relationship...but to rather make sure that he is gonna get into a good medical course which has always been his dream..and that till he is sure of a secure future he ain't gonna pursue anything or anyone else..And honestly that is good enough for me!! :)

    I don't think he would lie to me..and honestly i don't care at the moment..i heard all this from his lips..and those assurances are good enough for me!
  • naomi8888
    naomi8888 Posts: 519 Member
    If he is still your best friend, then be good with that. I never dated by best friend in school, because it just never occurred to us to date. We were best friends and did not want to interrupt that with dating, if you know what i mean. Well, after school, later on, we both married other people, and we hung out as couples, we were in each others weddings, god-parents to each others kids, and still just reallly good friends. well, his wife cheated on him, and lots of other stuff going on. My husband was abusive, and so we divorced. Later, after about a year, my best friend and i began to go out to dinner, to compare notes about divorces, etc etc, and one night he just up and kissed me. suddenly out of the blue. It seemed strange, but the next kiss not so strange, and well, the rest is history. We have been married for 30 years, and are still best friends.

    Dont rush into things, keep the best friend. Explore other options. If he is really the one for you, you will both figure it out.

    I love this :heart:
  • grassette
    grassette Posts: 976 Member
    You are being called to be generous and to show unselfish love. This is very hard because your body is calling out, and your emotions are so focused. You have to pull back because of your circumstances, and that, at any age, is very hard to do. Try not to daydream, or imagine being with him. Control your thoughts because dreaming isn't real, and you need real right now. Try to calm your desire. That will give both of you greater freedom.

    Concentrate on friendship. That will establish a good base for any future relationship, It might be a good idea to be open to friendships with others. If you are meant to be, you will come back together again, but you have to give each other a chance to mature.

    The passion of a first love is the most intense thing you can live. For now, try to temper eros with agape. And good luck to you.
  • jesshall281
    jesshall281 Posts: 219
    first of all u r way too young to get into love stuff!!! i mean trust me.... !!! sooo stop thinknig bout tht guy... and concentrate on study!!!! cuz its senior year.. andd u know how it is important for college n stuff!!!! pluss yeah u got better thing to think bout!!!!!!!! you got manyyy mannyy years to get into any relationship....

    Excuse me, who are you to say someone is too young for love? I married at 18 and have been happily married for two years now.

    My grandparents have been together since they were 14, so dont patrionise people.
  • Fathima0712
    Fathima0712 Posts: 177 Member
    You are being called to be generous and to show unselfish love. This is very hard because your body is calling out, and your emotions are so focused. You have to pull back because of your circumstances, and that, at any age, is very hard to do. Try not to daydream, or imagine being with him. Control your thoughts because dreaming isn't real, and you need real right now. Try to calm your desire. That will give both of you greater freedom.

    Concentrate on friendship. That will establish a good base for any future relationship, It might be a good idea to be open to friendships with others. If you are meant to be, you will come back together again, but you have to give each other a chance to mature.

    The passion of a first love is the most intense thing you can live. For now, try to temper eros with agape. And good luck to you.

    That is just the thing..every time i try not to think bout him..i end up thinking bout nothing but him.The only thing that has effectively succeeded in distracting me is studies.So that's a good thing,i am spending more and more time studying because i just want to escape from thinking about him and I think it is working because i think about him less,and is getting better marks because of all the studying!

    You all have given me a lot of options and i have decided that i care about him too much to let him go.I have had 2 BFs before this,but with him...all those seemed like silly games.And the only thing that makes sense to me now is to agree to his wishes and study well till the end of senior year,and THEN ask him what he wants to do.I am willing to wait around,because honestly,i feel he is worth everything!
  • Fathima0712
    Fathima0712 Posts: 177 Member
    first of all u r way too young to get into love stuff!!! i mean trust me.... !!! sooo stop thinknig bout tht guy... and concentrate on study!!!! cuz its senior year.. andd u know how it is important for college n stuff!!!! pluss yeah u got better thing to think bout!!!!!!!! you got manyyy mannyy years to get into any relationship....

    Excuse me, who are you to say someone is too young for love? I married at 18 and have been happily married for two years now.

    My grandparents have been together since they were 14, so dont patrionise people.

    Thanks SO MUCH!! and congrats to you! :):)
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    You're young. Stop taking yourself AND him so seriously. Go out, have fun, and enjoy yourself. If it is meant for you and him, then you will come back together again naturally in time. If this is seriously heading towards a long-term future together, then you are going to be missing out on an opportunity to enjoy yourself before settling down because you are too worried about what he is thinking and doing. Don't cheat yourself. Best of luck!
  • Bookchick887
    Bookchick887 Posts: 119 Member
    If you read this book, it will save you a lot of trouble in all your future relationships. (I don't know anything about the film). It's written by a guy's perspective and from my experiences, you can believe him.

    He's Just Not That Into You
    Greg Behrendt/Liz Tuccillo
  • Amyrxstar
    Amyrxstar Posts: 6 Member
    well.. tell me the same thing after 10 years!!!
  • Amyrxstar
    Amyrxstar Posts: 6 Member
    first of all u r way too young to get into love stuff!!! i mean trust me.... !!! sooo stop thinknig bout tht guy... and concentrate on study!!!! cuz its senior year.. andd u know how it is important for college n stuff!!!! pluss yeah u got better thing to think bout!!!!!!!! you got manyyy mannyy years to get into any relationship....

    Excuse me, who are you to say someone is too young for love? I married at 18 and have been happily married for two years now.

    My grandparents have been together since they were 14, so dont patrionise people.



    tell me the same thing after 10 years!!!! and i m nt patronizing anyone.... if i have my opinion and i like to share it doesnt mean i m patronizing her!!!!

Categories