Ettiquite... how to deal with a sticky situation

oregonzoo · July 2012

Long story short, recently engaged. Wedding #2.

Wedding #1 years ago, I was a brat. Admittidly. I didn't really involve my parents at all in the planning. I still remember fights and meltdowns by both parents due to this.
So, I'm trying to involve them in everything I can. They've already said "you had your big wedding" and that they won't contribte financially, which I haven't said a word about. Haven't and won't ask them to since years ago they made it clear. I'm an adult we'll figure that part out.

What does bother me, is they refuse to acknowledge the event. I try and ask their opinions on the guests "don''t invite them, they won't travel anyway"
His parents want to throw an engagement party "but we'll have to fly" they give me one weekend that we can't do, because another one of my fiances friends is getting married, so I tell them that won't work. "well heaven forbid you guys miss that".

I honestly think they wish we would elope. But this wedding isn't just about me or them. It's also about him and his family. The day shouldn't be any less special because they refuse to acknowledge it.

They do like him, which makes it more confusing.

I guess my main issue with this whole situation, is that they complained so much about the first wedding. They complained so much about my ex and how he treated them. Here we are doing all we can to include them and build a great relationship between the two families and they don't care.

How would you deal with this situation?

nwhitley · July 2012

Not sure how old you are, but you don't need your parent's approval. Its nice of you to involve them in the plans, but completely unnecessary. Make the plans and keep them informed. Don''t ask them for their opinion b/c obviously they have nothing helpful to add and are still holding on to things from the past. That's all you can do.

Lone_Wolf70 · July 2012

In sticky situations I always say use baby wipes

bathsheba_c · July 2012

Have you tried bringing it up directly? Why not say, "I realize I was a brat by not including you guys in planning for wedding #1. I am trying to do the planning the right way now. However, I get the sense that you do not want to be involved. Am I reading the situation correctly?"

couponfun · July 2012

I'd continue with your plans and invite them. It's Wedding #2 so for some traditional parents it's a "diminished" wedding. My parents always told me that if I ever got divorced just to elope for #2 because it wouldn't be the same for them. Ridiculous, but there you go.

As for others you want to invite, invite them anyways. Your folks are making assumptions about them and their availability. Do the nice thing and invite them if you want them there, and then if they can't come they can't come. They might also say yes because they're happy for YOU and want to share with you.

Hang in there!! :flowerforyou:

AnninStPaul · July 2012

Have you tried bringing it up directly? Why not say, "I realize I was a brat by not including you guys in planning for wedding #1. I am trying to do the planning the right way now. However, I get the sense that you do not want to be involved. Am I reading the situation correctly?"

I would follow this path. Make your apologies one last time and move on. If they still don't want to be involved, keep them informed and invited and keep your expectations low.

ItsCasey · July 2012

I don't know your parents, so I'm just tossing this out there ... it may or may not apply to them.

A lot of people, particularly older generations, find it to be in poor taste to have a second wedding. Regardless of whether or not they like your fiance, they may feel embarrassed by the idea of having a typical wedding ceremony, especially the thought of inviting people they know who may have a less-than-favorable opinion of it. Yes, I know "It's 2012" and "Who care what everyone else thinks?" But this kind of thing does matter to a lot of people, and your parents may very well be in that group.

As for what you should do, if you and your fiance want the wedding, then that comes first. The parents can either accept it or not. But I do think you owe it to them to have a conversation about it. Simply tell them the wedding is happening whether they like it or not, that you'd like for them to be involved in the planning, and that you're willing to go it alone if they refuse to cooperate. Then the ball is in their court, and they can no longer put the blame on you for not making an effort to include them.

Bobby_Clerici · July 2012

When young ladies get married that first time, it's exciting, fresh, a time of hope....
You blew that.
Your folks are weary of you.
Elope and forget trying to pretend the past did not happen. Sometimes doors just shut.
That's life.
Good Luck!

semeyer · July 2012

Communication is key. Like a few previous posters suggested, I would be up front with them about it and ask. Trying to figure out how people feel instead of asking them is exhausting.

goldfinger88 · July 2012

Second and subsequent weddings don't have the importance as the first. It is, by tradition, intended for the first wedding to be the one and only wedding. Parents have no obligation to provide financially to subsequent weddings. Nor are they expected to encourage it or be involved it it unless they choose to.

As a general rule, the second and subsequent marriages should be low key, small affairs.

You should simply treat your parents as they want to be treated. Involve them only to the extent they want to be involved. But if you hurt your parents in the first marriage, you need to apologize sincerely.

strunkm4 · July 2012

Have you tried bringing it up directly? Why not say, "I realize I was a brat by not including you guys in planning for wedding #1. I am trying to do the planning the right way now. However, I get the sense that you do not want to be involved. Am I reading the situation correctly?"

I would follow this path. Make your apologies one last time and move on. If they still don't want to be involved, keep them informed and invited and keep your expectations low.

I agree with the above. My fiance and I are getting married in 45 days. It's my first, his second. Thank goodness everyone is supportive of our wedding, I actually was the one who thought it might be unfavorable to celebrate his 2nd marriage. I'd say try to talk with them. Feel out their thoughts, and try to address them. Explain to them what it means to you. If it really doesn't mean anything to you and you're just like whatever over the wedding, they will be too. If it's important to you, make sure you stress that to them.

It ultimately comes down to what you guys want. If you want a wedding. Go for it. If you are just doing it because you feel you should, elope. How do you feel about the wedding?

Dreamerryu27 · July 2012

Tough situation. I am sorry it should be a happy time. If it were me, I'd lay it on the table regardless of outcome, and just ask. You may not like the answer but at last you know the truth and can move on. I think there may be more than you know and confronting them may give them the opportunity to come out with it. Good luck.
*My 2 cents worth, go to an island and keep it small :-)

glovepuppet · July 2012

just get on with it.

you made it clear you want them involved.
if they want to be involved they can ask.

at the moment you're rewarding rude behaviour with more attempts to pander.
whatever happened in the past isn't an excuse to rain on your parade.

swat1948 · July 2012

Well I am one of the older members who has been through this with my children and I feel like no matter what happens, parents should support their children and the decisions they make and I have always done my best to do just that. Don't really understand parents who don't. But I do think your best bet is to apologize for what happened with the first wedding and tell them you are doing all you can to include them in the second. You can't do more than that. Good luck the second time around!

lounicholls1970 · July 2012

Invite them, then once a week email them letting them know whats going on, all the plans and don't expect an email back.
Phone them once a week and they can choose the wedding emails as conversation or not.
Enjoy your wonderful celebration and all the planning leading upto it.
Be polite, involve them at a distance and expect nothing in return.
Only time after your wedding when they see how strong you are as a couple will heal old wounds.
Been there x

oregonzoo · July 2012

If it was up to me alone, I might elope. But it's not.
He and his family need to be taken into consideration too.

I've apologized for the behavior of myself, and my ex huband more times than I can count. As sincerely as I could. I've explained that I want them involved and that I never stopped being sorry.

That said I can only be a martyr for actions 10 years ago for so long.
I will straight up ask them if they want to be involved at all.

And if they're ashamed that this is my second wedding that's their business. I'd just prefer not to hear any lip service about how important family is from them after this.

KCoolBeanz · July 2012

I don't know your parents, so I'm just tossing this out there ... it may or may not apply to them.

A lot of people, particularly older generations, find it to be in poor taste to have a second wedding. Regardless of whether or not they like your fiance, they may feel embarrassed by the idea of having a typical wedding ceremony, especially the thought of inviting people they know who may have a less-than-favorable opinion of it. Yes, I know "It's 2012" and "Who care what everyone else thinks?" But this kind of thing does matter to a lot of people, and your parents may very well be in that group.

As for what you should do, if you and your fiance want the wedding, then that comes first. The parents can either accept it or not. But I do think you owe it to them to have a conversation about it. Simply tell them the wedding is happening whether they like it or not, that you'd like for them to be involved in the planning, and that you're willing to go it alone if they refuse to cooperate. Then the ball is in their court, and they can no longer put the blame on you for not making an effort to include them.

^^ This is an awesome response - couldn't have put it better myself :-)

Sharyn913 · July 2012

I think it would be in your best interest to call your parents, more specifically, your mother, and be up front and direct. Ask her why she is acting the way she is. Yes this is your wedding, but they are still your parents, and you're relationship with them is just as important as your relationship with your fiance.

I learned the hard way. My now husband and I were 20 years old when he asked my father for permission to marry me. My father told him "Ask me again in six months" and urged us to wait, as we were so young. His parents advised him not to marry me because at the time, I was Jewish. Both of our families were not in favor of us getting married, and you know what happened? We ran off an eloped. We had a hand full of friends that were there, and that was it. We then called our parents from 700 miles away, and told them what we did. My younger sister and her friends were all calling me and sending me text messages about how drunk my mom was getting because she was so upset and couldn't stop crying.

Six years later, we are still married. Six years later, my mother still has a tendency to bring it up. She was so hurt she was not involved, and as she has gotten over it for the most part... the memory is still there.

Talk to your mom.

ForRealAU · July 2012

I would simply just do what is healthy and feels right to you. Not a knee jerk reaction to the hurt feelings surrounding it.

A wedding is one day it is the marrage and family that you have that is more important in the end.

I would invite the family.
Attend the party.
Pay for own wedding.
Express the hurt feelings (calmly) and let the family know how you feel. Don't fight about it just tell them something like "I want you to know I love you very much and I am feeling a little hurt and overwhelmed. I want you to be there for me at my wedding just like my life." then express to them what it is that you need from them. Sometimes people don't know what you need from them until you tell them.

My family really wasn't there for wedding #2 planning but they showed up and were great. Family can be a challange but in the end it is important that you remember we all have our baggage and are flawed.

Good LUck.

julie_75 · July 2012

Just my two cents on who to invite or not...On my first marriage I didn't know a lot of my fiance's family and had to depend on his mother to give me addresses to send invites to. I had a lot of angry people who were not invited to the bridal shower and/or wedding because she either thought they wouldn't come or wouldn't be in town anyway. Invite everyone YOU think should be invited. Your parents may have reasons they tell you not to invite people, but it should be up to each person if they want to come. They should at least get the choice. I felt so bad for not sending invitations to these people, but really it was the she-devils fault since I didn't even know them at the time.

RejoicingL · July 2012

I don't know your parents, so I'm just tossing this out there ... it may or may not apply to them.

A lot of people, particularly older generations, find it to be in poor taste to have a second wedding. Regardless of whether or not they like your fiance, they may feel embarrassed by the idea of having a typical wedding ceremony, especially the thought of inviting people they know who may have a less-than-favorable opinion of it. Yes, I know "It's 2012" and "Who care what everyone else thinks?" But this kind of thing does matter to a lot of people, and your parents may very well be in that group.

This is so true. My husband was divorced before, and not one person from his side of the family came to our wedding! My grandparents sat on his side to support him.

Ettiquite... how to deal with a sticky situation

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