Struggling! :(

xNJAx · July 2012

I'm in a bit of a pickle and could use some support please.

I have a history of restricting food intake and over-exercising. At my worst (about 10 years ago) I was eating an apple a day Monday-Friday while I was alone and eating a couple of small meals on a Saturday and Sunday when my (now) husband was around. Over the years I got up to eating 1200 calories a day but found it a struggle. Then recently, like within the last few weeks, I upped my calories again to cover my BMR and have mostly managed to hit that (1692) and even sometimes gone over it. However, I have managed that because I work with my mum and live with my husband, so there is someone there to notice whether or not I eat at every meal time and they give me a hard time if I don't (which works, because I don't like to disappoint people)!

My mum has just gone on holiday for 2 and a half weeks, which means I’m alone for breakfast and lunch every day (well, not strictly alone because I have other colleagues, but without family). It also means I’m alone for two in every three dinner times, because my husband and I are sharing the task of looking after my younger brother and also my parents’ dogs, whilst juggling our own home which needs one of us to be there.

The problem is that this means I have the opportunity to fast for nearly three days at a time (and only having to eat dinner on the third day) without anyone noticing - and the temptation to do so is huge, even though I know it isn’t good for me.

Last night was the first night on my own and it took an hour of crying before I could force myself to eat dinner (although I did consume 480 calories in that meal eventually!). The thought of eating now that I don’t have to makes me sick and I’m constantly battling my thoughts and holding back tears.

This is only day 2 of nearly 3 weeks and I’m exhausted already! I’m not sure what to do. I’ve been doing really well and the fact that I’ve so quickly reverted to old patterns of thinking the minute I have the chance has kind of frightened me.

If there’s anyone out there who can relate and/or has any advice I’d really appreciate it. All I can think about is that I’ll be 30 in a month and I want to be the smallest I’ve ever been by then. Then I think about how ridiculous this is – I’m a grown woman – I should be able to eat a meal without relying on my mum or husband for moral support! It’s pathetic.

I do NOT want to lapse back into my old ways but today I feel so overwhelmed, almost as if it’s inevitable. :frown:

eternity365 · July 2012

What is the reason behind your food avoidance? If you wont figure it out you'll be returning to your eating patterns over and over again.

imaspaceguy90 · July 2012

xnjax, I unfortunately cannot relate. But I can say I have the exact opposite problem which can be just as extreme and difficult to control. I do know people that have had eating problems like this and all I can say is that it takes persistence and concentration in order to overcome that sort lifestyle. I do hope you the best in health and success and I hope you are able to overcome your problem with time. Good luck, Zach

xNJAx · July 2012

Thank you both

I wish I could figure out why I do this, but I'm not really sure. I know I'm absolutely terrified at the thought of putting on weight - the minute I put on a pound I think I'm on a slippery slope to morbid obesity. I'm also scared of people judging me - I hate conflict of any kind and want to get on with everyone. If I get stressed, worried or upset I lose my appetite completely. I don't think there's any deep-rooted psychological problem or anything like that necessarily, but I think I could possibly have something along the lines of body dysmorphia. I don't know. I've tried to talk to my GP about it, but the minute I mention weight he just tells me I don't need to worry about that at my size and I don't know what to say so I go away again.

I did quite well in the end today though thanks to some encouragement from one of my MFP friends, so that's 2 down and a few more to go.

Natalie x

ano157 · July 2012

xNJAx, though it may be hard (because you don't want to disappoint your doctor

), you could change GPs or request a consult with another one. as you said, it isn't the weight that is the problem but the inner landscape that you are living and the fear that attacks whenever you are on your own and feel you have to manage everything alone.

i have a close friend who has a similar fear that manifests slightly differently so i know how draining and agonising it can be. don't give up on yourself. believe that you deserve to have someone REALLY listen to what is going on and help you find the way to clear it.

ano

MissionDriven · July 2012

Hugs and blessings to you, Natalie...

I know YOU know, that at some point, you'll want/need to get to the bottom of your food avoidance issue so you can be rid of the problem, rather than trying to live peacefully with it.

But in the meantime, I'd invite you to see if you can find an accountability partner. It could be a "real" person or an MFP cyber-friend; but someone that you can check in with to chat about how you're doing and what you've eaten. Perhaps a little group of people, sort of like a "girlfriend" group; but someone(s) who will lovingly encourage you to take care of yourself. I'd be happy to be a part of such a network, if it would be helpful.

(And congratulations on making it through today! Whoo-hoo! One day at a time.)

Sondra

ravenclawseekergirl · July 2012

Thank you both

I wish I could figure out why I do this, but I'm not really sure. I know I'm absolutely terrified at the thought of putting on weight - the minute I put on a pound I think I'm on a slippery slope to morbid obesity. I'm also scared of people judging me - I hate conflict of any kind and want to get on with everyone. If I get stressed, worried or upset I lose my appetite completely. I don't think there's any deep-rooted psychological problem or anything like that necessarily, but I think I could possibly have something along the lines of body dysmorphia. I don't know. I've tried to talk to my GP about it, but the minute I mention weight he just tells me I don't need to worry about that at my size and I don't know what to say so I go away again.

I did quite well in the end today though thanks to some encouragement from one of my MFP friends, so that's 2 down and a few more to go.

Natalie x

When i had to talk to my GP about my psychosis (hallucinations) i was terrified and tongue tied too, so i wrote down what i wanted to say, so i wouldn't forget it. Then when i got to anxious to talk i just gave him the piece of paper. I hope that that helps you.

xNJAx · July 2012

Thank you so much everyone - that's really good and helpful advice.

I realised last night that I also have a 24 hour helpline manned by GPs with my private health cover, so I might try calling that next time I'm struggling too. It might be less intimidating than face-to-face and I won't have the fear of it being written in my medical notes (I'm almost a fully qualified lawyer and have to declare any possible 'mental health issues' that are on my medical notes to the governing body, which I'd rather not have to do in this case really as my eating habits don't affect my ability to do my job).

I feel much more positive and determined again today. I think I was just overwhelmed and stressed out yesterday but I know what I want and why I want it, so I'm not going to give up...not today anyway!

zozzabubba · July 2012

I'm not sure about you and I'm not sure if I should be one to give advice as I'm only 18, but I have had similar problems since I was 13 so I think I can relate?

For me, it's a control issue. Planning ahead and knowing exact numbers (carbs/fat/calories) for each meal ahead of time really helps me to think through logically what food I should be eating and exactly why my body NEEDS each type of food that makes up each meal - e.g. meeting caloric requirements from exercise so as not to slow the metabolism, meeting the protein requirement to avoid muscle loss, meeting fats requirement (or as close as possible) with good fats as they are also healthy and needed.

All I can suggest is sit down right now and painstakingly plan every meal for the next week so that you KNOW that you are in control and are aware of all the numbers associated with each meal. Pre-make as many as possible and freeze/refrigerate them, then when it gets to mealtimes, reheat and give yourself a pep talk, going over why you NEED to eat this particular meal, as related to each of its specific components.

Again, I'm not sure how well this would work for you, as your problems may be rooted in something other than 'control', but it's what I've had to do at times in the past and has worked for me.

I hope it all goes well! Keep just focusing on food as fuel, and then fuel your body in the best ways possible. Good luck!

raccooncityangel · July 2012

I seem to have fought the opposite problem, a kind of terror when i know there is no food, or no way to catch my next meal. I know that it comes from being raised so poor we lived out of the garden and WIC spaghetti sauce for years. Food is one of those things that we can be pretty obsessed with, even in avoidance. You're doing good to discuss it, especially if you do call the hotline... there are plenty of anonymous medical lines out there for bits of comfort when it's needed. Another thing i like to keep in mind, and the thing that motivated me to escape the dangerous side of weight gain, is that in order for us to care for others, we must first maintain ourselves. It's definitely not easy, but it sometimes gets me through a tough spot.

jenken99 · July 2012

have you talked to a specialist? there is probably a underlying reason for this... good luck,,,,

Struggling! :(

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