My mother

westo22
westo22 Posts: 76 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
I come here today to ask for help not for me but for my mother. I'm very worried about her lifestyle and I don't know how to go about bringing it up. She is a stay at home mom but since all of us kids are well out of the house I guess she is just a stay at home. She spends most of her time quilting and knitting (which she is insanely good at). I love that she has a hobby she enjoys but it is not exactly a physical activity. When she is not quilting or knitting she is eating all the wrong foods and a lot of them.

My father and I want to make sure our family is healthy so we initiated a contest within our immediate family. In a nut shell the contest is to compete with each other not against each other. There are prizes to reach goals per month sponsored by myself and my dad. I went politely to my mom and ask her is she was going to participate and she said no. I asked her why not? and she replied "I'm out of sync".

I was crushed. I saw so much sense of failure in her eyes and she has lost all motivation. I have seen her get motivated, twice in my life she has gone through "phases" where she gets motivated to lose weight and get healthy. Both of those times she has lost over 60 lbs. The first time was through dedication and hard work, the second time was through nutritionist which I definitely do not agree with but I was going to support her in any way she wants to try and get healthy. It worked great but the minute she stopped eating that crap processed stuff the weight all came back + some.

I could ramble on more than I already have but the questions remain:

1. How does a son tell his mom she needs to sort her health out? Is it appropriate?

2. What motivates women to start the process of getting healthy that doesn't involved a life threatening doctors visit or a very rude comment someone says...? What motivated her before to get in shape?

I don't get it and if it doesn't get addressed soon, its going to become a big problem.

Replies

  • Desterknee
    Desterknee Posts: 1,056 Member
    I think it is absolutely appropriate for you to raise the topic with your mother. It's all about the phrasing. You know your mother best, you know her sensitivities and her personality so you'll have to decide how to break it to her but it is appropriate. Its an act of love. Emphasize the love aspect, tell her you want her around as long as possible and the best way to make that happen is if she starts taking an active role in her health.

    Motivation always has to come from within. If she has any health problems- even minor- the motivation could come from tackling that and there are very few health issues that can't be improved by either changing diet or physical activity.

    This is the best place to start. Then identify the worst food/habits and think of small replacements. Then try to find an additional hobby for her that is either active or at least gets her out of the house and take it from there.

    Hope this helps
  • thekarens
    thekarens Posts: 254 Member
    I have to disagree. Your mother knows she's not healthy and is not being healthy. You telling her so will just make her feel worse and probably dig in her heals. I say this as a mother myself.

    Instead I'd encourage her in other ways. If she's the grocery shopper of the family you or your father need to take over that duty and only buy healthy stuff. Start doing the cooking as well. If she asks about it let her know you are trying to help out in the family and make her life easier.

    The other thing you could do is to encourage her to do activities with you. Make them easy like a walk in the park or even shopping, but at a place that requires a lot of walking.

    If she brings up the subject then you could talk to her about her health, but be gentle.
  • jkr12
    jkr12 Posts: 31
    I have a somewhat similar circumstance, I'll see if my .02 helps.

    My mom is very sedentary, very overweight, very stressed and eats starches like crazy. She has emotional baggage and lives alone and really bad knees because of her weight. My brother is very obese as well, but he's more active. She got a lap band done, lost about 50 lbs, gained it back and eventually had to have it taken out. She never really used it.

    Summarizes up in this- my personal most successful route has involved two things: open communication and leading by example.

    The hardest thing is: you can't do it/want it for them! Pushing them sometimes pushes them away. THEY are responsible for their choices and their lives- DON'T take that responsibility onto you. Is it fair? No. Do you love her? Absolutely. Is it ok to talk to her about it? Probably. I feel that kind of depends on your relationship.

    I have found, for me, that including my mom in my healthy lifestyle by telling her what I'm doing, or how great it feels, or something new I learned, is a great, non invasive way to (sometimes) get her to ask questions. IE- Hey, I found out that kayaking is really fun! We had a great time, it was a fun workout! Blah blah blah, or something like that. I update her on my boot camp, on how much fun it is to walk my dog and how easy it can be, etc. She loves being supportive, and it keeps her involved so she doesn't feel I"m excluding her because our lifestyles are different.

    When I get healthy recipes, I pass them on to her with high recommendations and try and use it as a teaching moment like, "I took out all the butter and replaced it with applesauce." When she comes to visit, we eat healthy so she can see how enjoyable it is.

    Anyway,good luck! Let me know what you decide and how it goes. That's my experience with it!
  • iLoveMyPitbull1225
    iLoveMyPitbull1225 Posts: 1,690 Member
    Since your mother is aware of the "contest" and her weight issues, I would not press it very hard. Like another poster said, if she decides she wants to have a conversation about it, express love, concern and be gentle.The last thing people want to feel is like they are being attacked, so let her come to you. If not, one must realize that we cannot make others do anything. Her choice is her choice.
  • westo22
    westo22 Posts: 76 Member
    I see where you coming from and I am very loving and gentle when I speak with my mom. However, if I wait for her to come talk to me, it won't happen. Then in the future I will kick myself for not trying harder X amount of years ago.

    I think my next step will be to bring in my brother in sister. We have a very close family and we can start doing family stuff that involves something healthy or active, usually we have family dinners...which does not help my case. If that doesn't work I'm going to have to have a chat.

    Personally I think she can handle, my mother is very strong and maybe she might like it that I care so much.
  • sweettthings
    sweettthings Posts: 157 Member
    Can you ask your mom's advice on healthy cooking or something like that? Maybe getting her involved in supporting all of you in your "contest" will ease her into wanting to participate herself.
  • westo22
    westo22 Posts: 76 Member
    That is a pretty good idea, thank you!
  • crumbtinies
    crumbtinies Posts: 29 Member
    Oh man do I have experience with this. My dad lives a very unhealthy lifestyle. He takes numerous medications daily for things like cholesterol and blood pressure. He has had heart stints put in and even wears a nitro patch for his heart. He is pre-diabetic and has gout. And he always feels like crap. To make it worse, he is a DOCTOR, he should KNOW better. The rest of my family is very healthy. My brother lifts and my mom, sister, and I all run obsessively. We always try and include him in these things. We try and get him to take walks with us, we bully him into coming to local 5ks with us, even if it's just to watch. My mom cooks healthy, tasty meals. We talk to him about it, we lead by example. None of this makes any difference whatsoever.

    My point is, the person has to want to change. There is nothing anyone else can say or do to make it so, it has to come from them. That doesn't mean you shouldn't keep doing what your doing. Absolutely keep talking to her about it. Keep including her in family activities. Keep leading by example and offering support. Do everything you can to help her get healthy and don't give up. But realize there is a point when she has to want to make that change herself.
  • romachel1978
    romachel1978 Posts: 36 Member
    What about doing family activities together that get you all moving? Go for a nice hike or swim. Maybe organize some sort of family olympics. Maybe her and your dad could take dancing lessons.
    How is she feeling now that all of her kids have moved out? How long has it been? Maybe she is having a hard time adjusting to her new role and life without being a mom everyday.
  • jkr12
    jkr12 Posts: 31
    Sounds like you've got some great advice and know where you want to go with it. That's awesome.

    My only advice in regards to the plans you spoke of is this: Just try not to make it seem like she's being 'ganged up' on when including siblings. Or make her into a 'family project' that everybody is trying to fix. My family does this with my mother and it just kills her. She turns to me crying and embarrassed because they are trying to 'handle' her when it's her choice in the end to do whatever it is she wants, and in the end, it turns her more away from it than before.

    It's scary, more than anything, because you want to help them have the best life they can, and you don't want to lose them early. The hardest part to grasp is that it is not in your control. It's just not. Even if every single factor points her down the right road to having a healthy life, she might choose otherwise. Don't judge her. Just love her! And it sounds like you already do, alot!

    She's lucky to have a supportive family!
  • westo22
    westo22 Posts: 76 Member
    I understand about not ganging up on her, I definitely made that point when I talked to my siblings. I would never judge my mother, I just want to hang out with her without it involving a hospital visit when I'm older. : ) I appreciate all the great advice and I wish there was an easier way to reply to all of you.
  • Colleen_G
    Colleen_G Posts: 57
    My brother had to do this with my mom and it took him getting brutally honest in her face over multiple encounters for it to sink in. Talking about how she would likely not see her grandchildren graduate elementary school, let alone high school and beyond.

    He cried.
    She cried.

    He gets all Attila the Hun in stalking her to help try and keep her on track.

    It is hard.

    She doesn't want to put forth the time and effort to better herself and now she is starting to sabotage me and my efforts, although I don't think she realizes that she is doing it.

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