My success is discouraging....

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leavinglasvegas
leavinglasvegas Posts: 1,495
in Motivation and Support
I've posted before about my trouble getting the scale to budge and my health issues and my eating disorder.

Two weeks ago a blood test revealed, in fact, that my cortisol level was quite low. My doctor found me an endochrinologist that happens to work in a well known weightloss center. The sypmtoms of low cortisol fit my complaints to a tee! Except, I gained weight rather than lost weight.

The stress of this and numerous other things have discouraged my daily routines of eating every few hours to nourish my body. I've lost my appetite. I wouldn't say I've relapsed, but I'm on my way. Forcing myself to eat is not the same as it would be for someone who is not anorexic, but I'm trying.

This morning I got on the scale. I've been fighting to get below 180 since last January. I'd get close, then I'd gain, then I'd get close and gain. All while following a balanced diet and incorporating as much exercize as I could tolerate. All while being monitored by professionals.

This past week I have not eaten much. Maybe 5 complete meals. I finally fell below 180.

I'm not in any way proud of this. I'm very discouraged. I followed closely everything taught to me in recovery 10 years ago. When I started gaining weight rapidly and enormously, I went for help and was assured I was doing everything right. I went to dieticians, therapists, MD's, DO's, Chiropractors, even a vitamin pharmachologist and hypnotherapist. The weight kept coming. I told my doctor, I KNOW how to lose weight, but its not healthy and I would never do that on purpose. I've been doing what you told me and its not working. Its been 6 years, I'm tired already. One week of giving in to the disease, I lost weight finally.

This is discouraging because I know that I have to eat to be well. But eating to be well brought me to the brink of 200 pounds and a number of other problems. When you think about it logically, how can a healthy person living a healthy lifestyle gain so much weight? It sounds impossible. But even at my healthiest, I still fought my disease. I know that I never behaved in a way to warrant such extreme weight gain. If anything, I should still be fighting to stay above an unhealthy weight, not the other way around.

I know this is not an eating disorder discussion board. But I needed to talk about it. I know that it may be very different to everyone else's struggles. I know that people often say hurtful things without realizing it, like they wish they could be anorexic. Trust me, you don't.
The one thing we all have in common, is a desire and determination to live a happy, healthy, and abundant life. I wish that for everyone. We'll get there, one step at a time. Today, my step collapsed. But I will get up and keep going...........................
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Replies

  • SHBoss1673
    SHBoss1673 Posts: 7,161 Member
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    That sucks for you. Unfortunately anorexia can play havoc with the metabolic systems of the body, and as I'm sure you already know, can permanently screw up how your body deals with food and weight. I know this seems like an impossible task for you, but you need to stick with the program, we're here to help if need be, and to vent if that's what you need to do. Stay on the right path and sooner or later you'll find a more permanent solution! I'm confident in that.
  • ali258
    ali258 Posts: 403
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    The most important thing is for you to be HEALTHY. You might want to refocus your goals away from weight or inches and towards health. Having good blood work, eating ___ number of vegetables and fruits every day, getting in your water, being happy with who you are regardless of weight. I'm not saying to give up, but it seems like focusing on the scale is only stressing you out and making you unhappy. If you want to lead a healthier and happier lifestyle, you may have to re-evaluate what types of reasonable goals you can set for yourself and just work on those.
  • leavinglasvegas
    leavinglasvegas Posts: 1,495
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    Thank you.
    Its funny, they don't want to warn us in recovery that something like this could happen so we don't give up on getting better. I understand that. I know I would have quit recovery if I knew.

    Its not so common either. I did a good job at recovering. Most people don't make it 10 years. I guess I have to focus on that accomplishment.

    I'll stick with it. I'm not a quitter. Glad I have this place. I really, really am thankful for MFP.
  • kettelson15
    kettelson15 Posts: 12
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    Hi,

    Your post really touched me! I have had a bad relationship with food my entire adult life, and though I have never had a clinical eating disorder diagnosed, I sort of understand the frustration.

    I found a website on the internet that has helped me tremendously. It is http://www.burnthefatinnercircle.com/. Tom Venuto, a bodybuilder has a ebook that the blog site comes from. It is called "Burn the fat, Feed the muscle" . I would highly recommend the book and the innercircle website (it is free for 1 month for ebook owners, the $10/mo. after). Though Tom is a bodybuilder, he concentrates more on nutrition and mind/motivation.

    I hope you will check it out! Please let me know what you think. I have found it to be a great gift - it has helped me get a much better perspective and more importantly, helped me to change the way I look at and use food in my life.

    I hope this helps and I wish you great success either way!

    Carolyn
  • lbpw
    lbpw Posts: 77
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    i know how you feel.
    i live with this everyday and it sucks. the worst part is because im in a healthy weight range no doctor wants to hear it. they keep telling me well you can lose 10 more lbs your not going to be a bone, but they dont understand how i feel in my head. i do eat and i do eat very healthy but i have a constant overwhelming guilt feeling that i just cant live my life without thinking about it. im starting therapy tomorrow and i hope i can get through this like you have for 10 years, which is a success. i hope everything goes good for you, you can do it.
  • leavinglasvegas
    leavinglasvegas Posts: 1,495
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    Hi,

    Your post really touched me! I have had a bad relationship with food my entire adult life, and though I have never had a clinical eating disorder diagnosed, I sort of understand the frustration.

    I found a website on the internet that has helped me tremendously. It is http://www.burnthefatinnercircle.com/. Tom Venuto, a bodybuilder has a ebook that the blog site comes from. It is called "Burn the fat, Feed the muscle" . I would highly recommend the book and the innercircle website (it is free for 1 month for ebook owners, the $10/mo. after). Though Tom is a bodybuilder, he concentrates more on nutrition and mind/motivation.

    I hope you will check it out! Please let me know what you think. I have found it to be a great gift - it has helped me get a much better perspective and more importantly, helped me to change the way I look at and use food in my life.

    I hope this helps and I wish you great success either way!

    Carolyn


    I'll check it out, but I'm not in any position right now to aquire an additional monthly bill. The name sounds familiar, I might have read his stuff already.
  • leavinglasvegas
    leavinglasvegas Posts: 1,495
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    i know how you feel.
    i live with this everyday and it sucks. the worst part is because im in a healthy weight range no doctor wants to hear it. they keep telling me well you can lose 10 more lbs your not going to be a bone, but they dont understand how i feel in my head. i do eat and i do eat very healthy but i have a constant overwhelming guilt feeling that i just cant live my life without thinking about it. im starting therapy tomorrow and i hope i can get through this like you have for 10 years, which is a success. i hope everything goes good for you, you can do it.

    Good luck to you! Therapy has been the key ingredient for me. Just keep talking, never let any emotion fester inside of you. Never be afraid to change therapists if you don't click and never give up. You have to own it, then you have to change it. Its not easy, it really is an everyday fight. But it is so so so important. I was lucky to have an experience that lead to my passion for wellness. I had a baby young. I let that remind me of wht I have to live for. Its no coincedence that I am coming up on my 10th year of recovery, and she is approaching her 10th birthday. I realized on the journey that I had to do it for me, but she gave me the determination to get to that point.
    There is something in you that you will discover, is more important than a food obsession. You will find yourself. And when you learn to love yourself again, you will know exactly what to do.
    Please stay positive. The power of your mind is amazing.
  • BrendaLee
    BrendaLee Posts: 4,463 Member
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    As sad and frustrating as it is...think of it in terms of health rather than weight. You know you have to eat to be healthy...there's just no way around that. If you eat nothing and lose weight and feel like crap all the time...tired and weak...that's no good. Will your metabolism eventually straighten itself out if you continue to feed your body and not starve it? I would imagine it would take some time for your body to adjust to the increase in calories...for it to realize it doesn't need to hold on to every calorie because more will be coming.
  • SHBoss1673
    SHBoss1673 Posts: 7,161 Member
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    Unfortunately Brenda, Anorexia can cause permanent hormonal changes, which can severely effect your metabolism, it's kind of a trial and error type of treatment to solve the puzzle that's left behind for those recovering from it. It can take 6 to 10 years for anorexia sufferers to recover, and there's almost always some permanent damage to deal with (along with emotional damage), I had a cousin who was anorexic, and did some studying up on it a long time ago. Treatments have gotten better, and she was a lucky one and doesn't really have any metabolic problems, but she had reproductive issues that were most likely a result of it (one of the other possible side effects).

    It's possible she will never get back to what is considered normal levels of hormones, but that doesn't mean she can't be healthy, it just means she has to keep trying new diet amounts, new calorie levels, and new exercise strategies to find it. It's hard, and it's frustrating, but she CAN beat it.

    I have faith Wannabe! I know it sucks, but stick with it, be a roll model!
  • leavinglasvegas
    leavinglasvegas Posts: 1,495
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    Thanks Brenda. I understand where you are coming from, but it's not working out for me that way. Unfortunately, whether I eat healthy or don't eat at all, I feel the same. For 6 years every doctor I have gone to has told me that it will straighten itself out on its own if I keep doing what I'm doing. I bought that for a while, but deep down inside I knew something else was wrong. At this point, I am very confused. I can vaguely remember what it felt like to be me. I realize that my slip ups are not healthy, but they are just slip ups. I guess that can relate to when someone slips up and eats too much. I just have to let it go and get back on the wagon. My health is my focus, but the challenge is understanding what works for me. Hopefully, after I see the specialist, we can somehow regulate my hormones and get my metabolism back on track. Then I can direct my energy towards the other things. Thankfully I have always been open to therapy, so at least I am keeping my head on straight. Thats the only thing I have going at the moment.

    SHBoss1673....do you have any links to any of the stuff you read about this? I may not be searching correctly, but I can't seem to find any info on eating disorders and metabolic or hormone disorders. I looked at the library too.
    And BTW, I really appreciate your support.

    Also, I'd like to express that since I was able to get this out and hear back from some people, it lightened the stress a little. I had an appetite yeaterday. I did eat two full meals. I'm actually feeling like today will be a good day too!

    Thank you!!!!!!!! From the bottom of my :heart:
    :flowerforyou:
    Holly
  • SHBoss1673
    SHBoss1673 Posts: 7,161 Member
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    Thanks Brenda. I understand where you are coming from, but it's not working out for me that way. Unfortunately, whether I eat healthy or don't eat at all, I feel the same. For 6 years every doctor I have gone to has told me that it will straighten itself out on its own if I keep doing what I'm doing. I bought that for a while, but deep down inside I knew something else was wrong. At this point, I am very confused. I can vaguely remember what it felt like to be me. I realize that my slip ups are not healthy, but they are just slip ups. I guess that can relate to when someone slips up and eats too much. I just have to let it go and get back on the wagon. My health is my focus, but the challenge is understanding what works for me. Hopefully, after I see the specialist, we can somehow regulate my hormones and get my metabolism back on track. Then I can direct my energy towards the other things. Thankfully I have always been open to therapy, so at least I am keeping my head on straight. Thats the only thing I have going at the moment.

    SHBoss1673....do you have any links to any of the stuff you read about this? I may not be searching correctly, but I can't seem to find any info on eating disorders and metabolic or hormone disorders. I looked at the library too.
    And BTW, I really appreciate your support.

    Also, I'd like to express that since I was able to get this out and hear back from some people, it lightened the stress a little. I had an appetite yeaterday. I did eat two full meals. I'm actually feeling like today will be a good day too!

    Thank you!!!!!!!! From the bottom of my :heart:
    :flowerforyou:
    Holly

    oh man WbC, I did that research like 5 years ago, I don't have that info any more. BUT, I'll do a little snooping for you, I'm pretty good at this computer stuff, I should be able to dig up some decent links for ya.
  • SHBoss1673
    SHBoss1673 Posts: 7,161 Member
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    here are a couple that I found right away.


    http://www.angelswings.com.au/sideeffects.htm

    http://www.life123.com/parenting/tweens-teens/anorexia/side-effects-of-anorexia.shtml

    http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/diseases/facts/anorexianervosa.htm

    http://www.medicinenet.com/anorexia_nervosa/article.htm

    nothing earth shattering in any of these, but decent none-the-less I guess.
  • leavinglasvegas
    leavinglasvegas Posts: 1,495
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    Thanks a million!
  • TheMaidOfAstolat
    TheMaidOfAstolat Posts: 3,222 Member
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    It does get better. I struggled on and off for a few years (I was only 10-13 during my issues). My mindset was that I couldn't control what was going on around me so at least I could control my body. My grandfather had just passed away and a friend had committed suicide. It was my way of coping. I do believe that it wreaked havoc on my body...I was going through puberty at the time (try being 11 and already having a 34 B chest, I just couldn't adjust). I'm now 24 and no longer struggle with eating or excercise. I know that my weight is below normal but my doctor thinks that it's healthy for me due to frame size, height, ect.
    :flowerforyou:
  • leavinglasvegas
    leavinglasvegas Posts: 1,495
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    Thought I'd give an update.

    I met my endochrinologist today. He spent an hour and a half with me and ordered a LOT of blood work. I feel like I donated at the red cross.:laugh: That was by far, the most complete check up I have ever had in my life.

    He was so empathetic and encouraging. He assured me that I do have a physiological imbalance and absolutely should have never been left alone to figure it out. He called my other doctors stupid, but said I am very smart. :laugh: He was an older man with a thick hispanic accent. I wish I could have recorded him. Great humor and very entertaining, while still professional and comforting.

    After the reults come back, he said he will stick with me to get me back to being me again. He wants to see me run that Marathon I've been shooting for. He is positive that he can help me. Although I missed out on some years of my life, he swears its not too late to fix my imbalances and bring me the vitality that I have been working so hard to achieve.

    Most importantly, he understands anorexia. I should have been treated as an anorexic all along. Not like an obese patient. Not made to feel like this is all my fault. And most importanly, never left to diet on my own. I'm lucky I had my daughter to look at everyday to remind me why I need to fight for my health. Without her, this could have very well ended differently and not good different. I feel so extremely thankful right now. I don't know how to describe what it feels like to have hope again. Like seeing my baby girl for the very first time all over again and realizing I did that. I did this too.:smile: AMAZING!
  • weaklink109
    weaklink109 Posts: 2,831 Member
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    Your update is most encouraging. :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: I am glad you finally found a medical professional who understands your situation and how to help you deal with it!!:drinker: :drinker:
  • SHBoss1673
    SHBoss1673 Posts: 7,161 Member
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    that's awesome my dear. Nice to here there are still some good eggs out there! Best of luck to you.
  • TheMaidOfAstolat
    TheMaidOfAstolat Posts: 3,222 Member
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    Wonderful! It's going to be a long road but you can do it! :bigsmile: :flowerforyou:
    It's nice to know that there are still some caring individuals out there who respect their profession and their patients.
  • XFitMojoMom
    XFitMojoMom Posts: 3,255 Member
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    I find myself struggling to formulate an answer, because I really don't have one. But what I found in your post is someone who is struggling as I am. I'm 37 now, but from age 10 - 18 I was a national level gymnast, I trained 3 hours daily/8 hours on weekends, and went to a normal school. Weigh in was everyday, and to maintain my 90 pound on 5'6" frame, I would eat an apple, chase it down with a half dozen lax, and take dextrosol (sugar pills) and wake ups to make it through my training.
    In my 20's I went from 90 pounds to 112, then suddenly 135. I was eating because I finally "retired" from gymnastics and I had a Bf and I was "happy". At 28, my long term relationship suddenly ended and I went from a healthy 135 to very thin 115.

    Well, 10 years later & 2 kids I'm just below 200 pounds. I cannot lose weight no matter what I try. I finally had a physical in July and all my bloodwork came back normal, although I argue that my fasting blood result were borderline. I listened to the dietician, to the doctor and I increased my calories to 1500. I exercise 4-5 days a week for an hour and 3 days a week with a personal trainer. As a result I gained 13 pounds!

    i have girlfriends that don't train, eat sensibly and drop weight, and they are menopausal.
    I have girlfriends who are overweight, work out and eat sensibly and drop weight.
    I train like a maniac, eat 800 calories and gain weight.
    I train like a manic, eat 1200 calories, and gain weight...

    I'm beyond frustrated and give up everyday, but then recommit myself. My trainer wants me to go for more bloodwork, I want to see an endo to see if there is anything we are missing. Most importantly, I found a supplement called Glucosense which helps regulate blood sugars, and as a result I was finally able to bust through the 200's.

    I am encouraged by your update - I hope you find your "key" to being healthy again!
  • leavinglasvegas
    leavinglasvegas Posts: 1,495
    Options
    I find myself struggling to formulate an answer, because I really don't have one. But what I found in your post is someone who is struggling as I am. I'm 37 now, but from age 10 - 18 I was a national level gymnast, I trained 3 hours daily/8 hours on weekends, and went to a normal school. Weigh in was everyday, and to maintain my 90 pound on 5'6" frame, I would eat an apple, chase it down with a half dozen lax, and take dextrosol (sugar pills) and wake ups to make it through my training.
    In my 20's I went from 90 pounds to 112, then suddenly 135. I was eating because I finally "retired" from gymnastics and I had a Bf and I was "happy". At 28, my long term relationship suddenly ended and I went from a healthy 135 to very thin 115.

    Well, 10 years later & 2 kids I'm just below 200 pounds. I cannot lose weight no matter what I try. I finally had a physical in July and all my bloodwork came back normal, although I argue that my fasting blood result were borderline. I listened to the dietician, to the doctor and I increased my calories to 1500. I exercise 4-5 days a week for an hour and 3 days a week with a personal trainer. As a result I gained 13 pounds!

    i have girlfriends that don't train, eat sensibly and drop weight, and they are menopausal.
    I have girlfriends who are overweight, work out and eat sensibly and drop weight.
    I train like a maniac, eat 800 calories and gain weight.
    I train like a manic, eat 1200 calories, and gain weight...

    I'm beyond frustrated and give up everyday, but then recommit myself. My trainer wants me to go for more bloodwork, I want to see an endo to see if there is anything we are missing. Most importantly, I found a supplement called Glucosense which helps regulate blood sugars, and as a result I was finally able to bust through the 200's.

    I am encouraged by your update - I hope you find your "key" to being healthy again!

    See an endochrinologist if at all possible. He told me that the tests they routinly take for thyroid most often do not catch it. He said that most people he has seen test normal to borderline, then they come and see him and more thorough testing proves the thyroid is not functioning properly. Not to mention, anorexia is lifelong because it is a physiological imbalance. We simply DO NOT have the chemical makeup to control our weight as a normal person does. Also, ask to have your cortisol level checked. Its a simple blood test they can take, but its time sensitive. Must be done at the right time of day. Here is a website that helped me
    http://www.adrenalfatigue.org/about-adrenal-fatigue.html

    DO NOT give up. PM me if you need support. When this is done and over with for me, I feel like I will need to become an activist for the cause. I have been so miserable over these years, I don't want anybody to suffer like that! Its terrible to be blamed for your weight when it TRULY is not your fault. Not everybody is heavy because they lay on the couch all day and eat chips, ya know? It is so insulting to be comared to that person when you know you are doing everything in your power and they assume your lying and looking for an easy out. Knowledge is power. You will get through this, just don't ever stop fighting!

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