Sister Shut Down

DivaDiba0212
DivaDiba0212 Posts: 23
in Motivation and Support
Hi everyone, I joined mfitnesspal a week ago, and am already seeing a difference in myself. In my excitement of finding this website, I began talking about it in front of my family, who were excited with me and wanted to get involved.. so I thought.



My fiancee' and one of my Mom's got so excited with me that they too joined myfitnesspal, and we are all embarking on finding a healthier us together. However, my little sister, Alena, isn't so excited. She told me the first day that she didn't want to become "one of those calorie obsessed freaks" which at the time I blew off, thinking she was just in a bad mood. I have been on here for a little over a week now, and throughout this time things have become harder and harder around my sister.

Last night, she came to sleep over at our house. When it was dinner time, I was portioning my food with a measuring cup, and when she saw me she put her bowl down and left the room, saying she couldn't be in here right now. In that instant, I felt like I was disgusting her. I felt ashamed for what has been and what is a new start for me to get where I want to be for myself. I was hurt, because even though she may not have meant for it to come across any certain way, I felt like she wasn't supporting me in my new found efforts.

We talked a little while later after a very awkward dinner about what it is that bothers her so much, and we came to the conclusion that I should just wait until she has already gotten her food and gone to sit down before serving myself, as well as not talking calories in front of her.

I can sit here all night and ask myself why it is that MY choice for MY body is somehow making her uncomfortable, but what I really want to know is if anyone else out there has come across a situation like this.

My sister and I are very close, but I never thought me making a change to get healthier would push her away. I feel stuck. So if you're reading this, please, let me know if you have any suggestions of what I could do? I don't want to lose her over something I am doing for me. Thanks in advance ~ DivaDiba0212

Replies

  • indisguise
    indisguise Posts: 235
    As long as you aren't pointing out how many calories are on her plate, I don't see why she should be having a problem. Tell her you are doing this for you and no one else, and that you don't expect her to count her own calories if she doesn't want to.
  • DivaDiba0212
    DivaDiba0212 Posts: 23
    Yeah I really am not, and I can't figure it out either. I haven't said anything regarding how much she eats or what she eats or how she looks unless I am telling her she is beautiful. I also explained during our talk that morbid obesity and high cholesterol are hereditary for me and I would rather do something about my weight now rather than having problems later and regret it. But she insisted I am taking too drastic of actions by doing this.
  • carisle
    carisle Posts: 25 Member
    I don't know if this is what's going on in your situation, but I've found that at times in my quest to better myself and make being healthy a lifestyle, some people in my life act like they have a problem with that. It bothered me for a while but I've learned to let it go and leave it as their issues not mine. I think sometimes it hits a nerve with people when someone is making changes in their lives. I wonder if it makes them worry that maybe they should evaluate their lives too and they aren't at that point right now.

    My advice to you... keep doing what your doing. Don't talk to her about it but let your awesome results speak more to her than any words! Good luck!
  • moonlightturk
    moonlightturk Posts: 398
    Maybe she's afraid that you might have an eating disorder and the only way she copes with that fear or concern is through shutting you down?
    Possibility...
  • YoYo1951
    YoYo1951 Posts: 370
    hate to say this but...misery loves company. She is afraid you will change and then where will she be. Right now, you likely have a lot in common doing things like eating, going to lunch, etc. , but things are rapidly changing for you. Where does that leave her? Alone with herself. keep doing what you are doing, and be proud you are finally doing something good for yourself. Maybe she will see the positive things that are happening for you and want to join in on the bandwagon. Best of luck
  • islandnutshel
    islandnutshel Posts: 1,143 Member
    I am wondering how old she is and if she has weight problems herself?
  • jenkidney
    jenkidney Posts: 149 Member
    Is she heavy as well? I've found that my "dieting" bothers my other heavy friends who aren't ready to do (or feel that they don't need to do) anything about their weight. So even if I'm not talking calories or my journey, they are turned off by the thought/sight/knowledge that I AM doing something about mine. It sucks, but I just limit the time I spend around those people when food is involved. I'm not going to apologize for taking care of myself, nor am I going to binge with them to make them feel okay. You've just got to do what's good for you.
  • berlynn_j
    berlynn_j Posts: 299 Member
    Is there a reason you have to sit there and wait and let her get her food and start eating before you can server yourself, when she's eating at your house? I'm sorry, but that she expects you to do that really bothers me. It's not like you are doing anything disgusting, you are making healthier choices for you and honestly there should be no reason she is making you feel uncomfortable about it, and I certainly wouldn't try to "hide" my good choices around others. If they don't wanna look, they don't have to. If they don't want to be onboard, they don't have to. It is always awesome to have the support of those around you, BUT if you don't, I certainly would not change what I was doing or try to hide it like it was some dirty secret. Serve yourself first and then she can get her own food. DO NOT be ashamed of the healthy choices you are making for your life.
  • tajmel
    tajmel Posts: 401 Member
    You know, I don't understand it either, but this happens all the time. Is it jealousy? Concern? Disgust? I have no idea. Is it possible that she has her own issues with food? A friend of mine who's a recovering anorexic is similarly disturbed by measuring food.

    (Edit to clarify that these are different friends.) I called a friend of mine a few days ago. We were talking about weight lifting, but the conversation moved to diet, and at some point I mentioned that I had been tracking calories. I kind of thought he would be proud of me, but his reaction was instantly negative. He said he eats however much he wants, always has, and doesn't think this kind of "obsession" is healthy. He's a very fit guy, so it was a bit discouraging, but he doesn't have the bad relationship with food that I do, so it makes sense that he doesn't understand. Her reaction is more of an indication of her own experiences, not of the validity of your choice to track.
  • mrsnathanandrew
    mrsnathanandrew Posts: 631 Member
    This is going to sound way out of there, but is it possible that she has issues with food herself? Has she ever had problems with it, like maybe she lost a lot of weight and stopped eating like an eating disorder, or did she gain a whole bunch at once?
  • DivaDiba0212
    DivaDiba0212 Posts: 23
    Thank you all so much for your encouraging words! This all is helping me and I was almost to tears reading your kind words.

    To answer the questions, she is 15 years old, and she is taller than me but also weighs about what I do if not a little over. When I started I was 194, she said she is at 200 ( but of this I do not know for certain.)

    We enjoy doing things like swimming and playing board games together, and yes, sometimes going out for a treat after her high school day was in our schedule this past school year.

    She did say the other day she is bothered at the thought of everyone else eating less and her still eating as much as she does. No I definitely won't go last in my own house, but at my parents house when we have family dinners is when she wants to go first. Things have still been awkward, she didn't talk to me much today other than a picture text talking about nail polish. I want to be a role model for her in making a good choice for myself, and I was hoping I could make her see that.
  • DivaDiba0212
    DivaDiba0212 Posts: 23
    She has put on weight within the past year while going our parents went through custody battle for her, as well as the loss of our Grandma to cancer in February.
  • vvanm
    vvanm Posts: 157
    There is something about human nature that becomes uncomfortable when someone is doing better than they are. Siblings who are close can also be competitive, and you getting your act together and being happy can have a duel effect. She is happy for you but personally feels worse about her own life. You throw the family dynamics off when you take on a new role for yourself. You will no longer have the fat problem and she knows you as your old self. The new self will have to give everyone time to adjust. Good luck on your quest, you are doing this at the best time of your life as you define your identity as a beautiful young adult. I have a sister who used to send me a big box of candy when I talked about dieting. She knew I couldn't resist it, but I learned to deal with the temptation and keep my calories in check. This site is excellent for helping to keep track.
  • deboranski
    deboranski Posts: 7
    Usually girls that age are in a really bad place and stresses in their life are huge. She probably already feels bad about herself and her weight/eating issues and now feels pressure from other people trying to lose weight and better themselves, she just isn't there yet and she is mad at you for the way she feels! Communicate with her how you feel inside and why you need to do this, if she is not going to support you in feeling better about yourself and support your choices then just leave her alone, she will get over it but do NOT ***** foot around her either. When she sees results and that you are doing it in a healthy way and it is making a difference then maybe she will get inspired as well! (When I was younger I had no self-control and I tended to make others feel badly because of it...I always felt like a failure but then my misery was put onto others...life is hard when you are overweight!
  • DivaDiba0212
    DivaDiba0212 Posts: 23
    Yes I have already lost 2 pounds since starting a week ago, I love how in control I feel. It really does help keep you on track! ~ to vvnam

    To debronaski~ I hope that is the final result as it is what I am hoping for. Thanks so much to u both
  • islandnutshel
    islandnutshel Posts: 1,143 Member
    Her age and weight speaks volumes. 15 is such a vulnerable age and she may not be ready to hop on the band wagon or even be happy for you. My suggestion is to keep as calm and quiet about your new habit. (It does sound like you are a very supportive sister) If she brings it up, just say that it makes you feel happy being able to do something healthy for yourself.

    If I have friends that need a Ben and Jerry's night, I plan for it. I just budget it in eating light and getting extra exercise. My husband and I still enjoy a good sized chinese food dinner. I usually have great leftovers. Food is still a social thing, and I think it always will be, but we can learn to fit it into a healthy lifestyle.

    The more your sister observes how well your new eating habits improved your quality of life she might be open to giving it a try someday. Please just let her watch from a distance and get comfotable with it.

    My brother mocked me at first, then joined and lost 60 pounds, then got bored and quit, but you never know....
  • DivaDiba0212
    DivaDiba0212 Posts: 23
    I will definitely keep that in mind! That's very helpful, thank you
  • LaMujerMasBonitaDelMundo
    LaMujerMasBonitaDelMundo Posts: 3,634 Member
    As long as you aren't pointing out how many calories are on her plate, I don't see why she should be having a problem. Tell her you are doing this for you and no one else, and that you don't expect her to count her own calories if she doesn't want to.
    ^^ this...
  • janessafantasma
    janessafantasma Posts: 312 Member
    Maybe she's afraid that you might have an eating disorder and the only way she copes with that fear or concern is through shutting you down?
    Possibility...

    That was my thought as well, that maybe she thinks you're going to become completely obsessed with your weight and food and only ever talk about those things.

    I can tell you from a sort of opposite experience, that I have family members who CONSTANTLY talk about dieting and weight loss and what they're doing now and all the crash diets and etc... And whenever I would mention making a change in my diet or exercising, they would immediately start harping on me if I wasnt eating something healthy and so forth. Super annoying and aggravating. I hate having discussions about health and weight and dieting. I talk to a few friends and my mom about it but it's never anything at length.
  • castadiva
    castadiva Posts: 2,016 Member
    As illogical as it is, it's possible, especially as you are lighter than her, that she feels that you are doing this to 'get at' her, or put pressure on her to do something about her own weight. I remember being ultra-sensitive about people discussing weight-loss or visibly pursuing those goals in front of me at around that age. Teenagers are highly self-centred (even the nice ones!), and often assume that others' actions are actually about them. While I understand that you are excited about your new goals and plans, it may be better for your relationship with your sister not to speak about them in front of her. She's bound to be aware, and probably hugely self-conscious, of her recent weight gain, and the added perceived pressure to do something about it, on top of stresses from the custodial battle you mentioned, school, and just being a teenager, may simply be too much for her at the moment.

    I'm not saying change your goals, just be discreet about them in front of her for a while, until she's had time to realise that this is about you, and not a dig at her.
  • Kara_xxx
    Kara_xxx Posts: 635 Member
    Is she heavy as well? I've found that my "dieting" bothers my other heavy friends who aren't ready to do (or feel that they don't need to do) anything about their weight.

    That!

    It's a defence mechanism usually deployed by people who know they need to change but aren't ready to do anything about it.

    She might come round, but then she might not. Don't let that put you off addressing your own health and wellbeing.
  • bathsheba_c
    bathsheba_c Posts: 1,873 Member
    Wow, your poor sister. It sounds like there's been a whole lot of change for her this year, and not happy change either. Maybe what she needs is reassurance that you are not going to change just because you are eating healthier? Or it could be that she knows someone who has an eating disorder, and is worried the same will happen to you.

    It seems to me that what's needed here is a lot of reassurance, but also you continuing to make healthier choices.
  • DivaDiba0212
    DivaDiba0212 Posts: 23
    I think what I am going to do is be discreet around her, but be proud of what I am doing still. My Mom especially loves talking about the fun facts she has found out about our food intake, and I enjoy talking it over with her. So maybe while my sister is out of the room and can continue speaking openly.

    I also won't go behind her for food at my own house. There has to be some kind of compromise when we are at our parents house together but I'm not the pick a fight kinda lady so it will just go smoothly.

    I agree with all of you on many different things, like her thinking I'm getting at her or whatever, as well as needing reassurance right now. She has had a lot going on for her, it has been a really hard time for our whole family. Plus she HATES change, so the fact 3 of us are doing this all at the same time is probably overwhelming for her.

    She is beginning color guard this year at school so hopefully that will give her the confidence boost and push she needs to start something for herself, but I won't push her or ask about it until she is ready. She is beautiful, I just wish she would see it.

    Thanks again to all who have posted feedback, I feel so much better.

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