A boy called my 9 year old daughter "fat"

Sarahsmiles0875 · July 2012

Last night my 9 year old daughter and I went to bed and read a book. The book opened the door for conversation about her self image, the changes her body was going to go through in the coming years, and how she felt about it. I encouraged communication between her and I and told her if she had any questions, concerns, or excitement that she may be feeling, that she could come to me if she felt like it. At that point, I asked her if she felt one way or another about our converstation, and she said she didn't. I told her that I did not have this type of open communication with my own mother and wanted her to feel safe and comfortable coming to me.
A minute or two passed when she said, "Mama...." I looked at her, her face half covered by the blanket, eyes welling up ready to spill over, "...a boy at camp called me 'fat' today".
My heart sank. She said she didn't know if she was going to tell me because she didn't want me to be sad for her. She was trying to protect me!

I have spent my whole life battling myself, my peers, and all the "fat" haters out there. I never wanted my daughter to go through anything close to what I went through. I tried to comfort her and empathize with her, but I could still see the sadness in her eyes this morning. I don't know how to bring her spirit up.

My question: How do we support our daughters? What advice should I be doling out to a 9 year old?

Namaste

purdygrl · July 2012

I had a similar experience with my then 6 year old. A class mate called her fat. It took a few days before she told us because she didn't want to make us feel bad. The strange thing is that my daughter is not fat in anyway she is just a lot taller then the rest of her class and bigger boned.
We sat down and talked about being "healthy". I told her my story of being a child and bigger then the rest and how names hurt me and how I ate to make myself feel better. Then I showed her photos of when I was younger and told her how I felt about myself. My daughter looked at the photos and said "mom you were not fat at all" I told her that because words hurt and stay with you a long time that I didn't see the person in the mirror and saw the person that a few bullies called me.
My daughter is now 8 and has a very healthy body image. She only gets weighed when we go to the Dr. and I ensure the Dr. lets her know that she is at a normal and healthy weight (she is now 4'9 and 78lbs)
I wish my parents would have talked about body types and healthy weights not trying to be a certain size. I think by discussing healthy is what is most important.

20shan08 · July 2012

My daughter is only 4, but she goes to pre school and daycare. Her biggest worry is that her best friend called her a "poop head" ... But I try my hardest to teach her now not to worry about what others say. I asked her "Are you a poop head baby?" She sad no! "Well if you know your not, then your not! Don't worry about what others say about you. Just ignore it" Now if someone calls her a name she tells me about it, laughing "so and so said Im this but i know im not hehehe" Lol hopefully she keeps that attitude!

HelloDan · July 2012

Is she fat?

I don't know how to ask without it sounding a little harsh, but please understand I don't mean it that way.

If she is, the best thing you can do is encourage her to be healthy. I'm not a parent yet (maybe soon) but it seems that children are getting fatter these days, as parents love them and don't want to be mean or deprive them, when really this would be for the best. Again not saying this is you, but throwing it out there.

If she isn't fat, I think all you can really do is make sure she keeps her self esteem up, and perhaps talk about body image, and the unrealistic expectations often created by the media.

Sarahsmiles0875 · July 2012

Is she fat?

I don't know how to ask without it sounding a little harsh, but please understand I don't mean it that way.

If she is, the best thing you can do is encourage her to be healthy. I'm not a parent yet (maybe soon) but it seems that children are getting fatter these days, as parents love them and don't want to be mean or deprive them, when really this would be for the best. Again not saying this is you, but throwing it out there.

If she isn't fat, I think all you can really do is make sure she keeps her self esteem up, and perhaps talk about body image, and the unrealistic expectations often created by the media.

I do not take offense...my daughter is much like me when it comes to food, and knowing how I lived as I grew has given me a heightened awareness to what growing up 'fat' does to self esteem. Of course I have not always made solid choices as far a meal preparations have been concerned, but there has always been emphasis on making healthy choices in our home...now more than ever..I personally do not think that she is 'fat' when I look at her. She is about 3-4 inches taller than everyone in her class right now though.

Sarahsmiles0875 · July 2012

My daughter is only 4, but she goes to pre school and daycare. Her biggest worry is that her best friend called her a "poop head" ... But I try my hardest to teach her now not to worry about what others say. I asked her "Are you a poop head baby?" She sad no! "Well if you know your not, then your not! Don't worry about what others say about you. Just ignore it" Now if someone calls her a name she tells me about it, laughing "so and so said Im this but i know im not hehehe" Lol hopefully she keeps that attitude!

When mine was 4 she was very confident in herself too...I think that as she aged, she has started to compare herself to others in her age demographic...what they look like versus what she looks like. Of course I have tried to encourage her independence as well, but I think that she is more aware of what 'differences' she sees between herself and others and is not embracing the fact that it individualizes her, rather it puts her on the 'outside' of the group dynamic.

HelloDan · July 2012

I do not take offense...my daughter is much like me when it comes to food, and knowing how I lived as I grew has given me a heightened awareness to what growing up 'fat' does to self esteem. Of course I have not always made solid choices as far a meal preparations have been concerned, but there has always been emphasis on making healthy choices in our home...now more than ever..I personally do not think that she is 'fat' when I look at her. She is about 3-4 inches taller than everyone in her class right now though.

Thanks for taking my post the right way.

I asked, because I think it is very common for people to see the ones they love differently from the rest of the world. It sounds like you are seeing the truth, rather than what you just want to see though. Although what the boy said is not nice, children often 'tell it like they see it' because they don't know societies rules. Also venting and bashing the kid may be mildly therapeutic, but using that energy instead to help make yourself and your daughter healthier is way more productive.

Sounds like you're on the right track anyway, so keep it up.

Loulady · July 2012

Along with talking to her about body image, I'd talk to her about how sometimes people can just be mean and say things just to make another person hurt or angry. Someone else's comments or opinions often have nothing to do with what is true.

Kids can be ruthless. I remember my clique in middle school - we could be a nasty pack of hyenas at times, and we weren't even the "mean girls" of the class. It makes me a little sad to think about.

Freyja2023 · July 2012

Children can really be cruel. I am from a family of all girls who have all had battles with weight and eating. My mom used to tell us when we were little that the world would be an awfully boring place if everyone looked the same, and sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt us. Now as an adult I find myself raising boys, and they may be different then girls but they still face a lot of the same self-esteem issues in the school yard. I think just opening the line of communitcation the way you did will make a big world of dirrerence to her, letting her know that she has you to listen to her and understand her will make talking to you easier and she won't be holding in her emotions all the time. If you can get her involved in healthy organizations where she can make friends and feel safe and maybe even a few team sports. My son had the opposite problem with bullies. He is built like his dad, really really tall and skinny. At 13 he stands over 5'8 and he was getting teased for being too skinny and a freak. Once he started track, basketball and so forth he was able to make friends with a common interest and friends who didn't tease him for his shape. I find myself now days repeating my mothers words about how the world would be boring if we all looked and acted them same to them. Good luck and keep doing what you are doing, telling her how beautiful she is and being her friend

ItsMeRebekah · July 2012

showering her with your love and helping her understand that people suck is what i would do! keeping daughters with the insight that who you are is not based on your appearance is so important. of course a mama will always think their little girl is beautiful, but the real world isn't so kind. i have my daughter in "girls on the run" .. its a program based out of her school ( i pay like 100bks a year for it) it teaches her abt nutrition, self worth, and being healthy and loving yourself. girls on the run do part of the big races that i do, so we get to run together and work on our image and who we are as a team. she loves it!! maybe finding a program she can participate in like this would be helpful for her too. but to me, the most important thing is to surround her with love ~ good luck to you guys

A boy called my 9 year old daughter "fat"

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