Delicious Suicide: Stuck in the Quicksand of Obesity

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LeapDayLady
LeapDayLady Posts: 3 Member
edited January 2016 in Introduce Yourself
Hello Everyone. My name is Raenell (Ray-nell). I don't know if this is something for me. I am trying things suggested by friends because I am now at 360 pounds! I live in a morbidly obese body. I don't relate with people who need to lose 10, 20, 30, even 100 lbs. My journey looks so far down the road it's give-up-able. I am slowly killing myself with food. I feel stuck though. I feel like I have a "who cares" attitude and I've given up on myself. I am a born again believer in Jesus Christ and usually have a very positive attitude. It's just that I'm so fat now that it's hard to do things and I give up. Walking is hard, lifting is hard, bending over is hard (I'm in my own way!) So, I sit and I eat. I am at the computer several hours a day. Everything I do I am sitting. It's like I lost control of what I eat. If I want [insert any number of unhealthy delicousness] then I eat it. Why? Because I can. No one is stopping me. I'm 55 years old for goodness sake and it's like I'm a brat with food. I'll eat it if I want to! Eating what I eat and not exercising has led to a 360 pound depressed old woman wanting out of her body. Ugh! Being depressed is SO unpleasantly and painfully boring. I want, badly, to do something about my weight. In my 20s I was a 145 lb fox. I do not desire to be pretty and sexy. I want to be healthy. In my 20s I cared about what I looked like on the outside. Now that I am happy with who I am on the inside I'm too huge to live it out. Sooo, I'm opening up about my obesity and want to do something about it. There are many young people in my life right now who are huge as well. Even elementary age kids. :( I need to get healthy and represent change for them. I don't want them to get old being fat. Being this big while being this old makes life hard for me. I totally dig being an old lady. I see it as a very good thing. I want to be able to enjoy it though. It's pretty hard to enjoy my life at this size. Am I rambling? Well, I think I may be serious about this now. Not sure since today I had some pretty unhealthy food in unhealthy amounts, HOWever, I'm going to keep trying. I've never been accountable to anyone regarding what I eat so I don't know how that works. I am open to discuss this issue and thank
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Replies

  • tfullertonrn
    tfullertonrn Posts: 2 Member
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    I can relate to the fact that you feel like giving up with the total number of pounds you want to lose. I have over 100 lbs to lose to get to a healthy weight. I have had to change the way I think. I no longer say I have the large number to lose and concentrate on the first 20. Then I will work on the next 20. It helps keep me on track without being overwhelmed. I try to celebrate each positive (not with food). You CAN do it! One pound at a time!
  • bellabonbons
    bellabonbons Posts: 705 Member
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    Actually you have to love yourself enough to want to take care of your body and your health. I could gorge myself on food and not care but I realize the consequences and excruciating hard work to reverse the cycle and could not imagine gaining to 100 more to lose. It is super easy for me to polish off an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream in one sitting and I have before and I could eat an entire plate of brownies but when it comes down to it I love myself enough not to allow myself to be out of control reckless with eating because of the serious consequences to my body do yes, it does come down to how much we love ourselves. Everyday is a decision to eat out of control reckless or choose to try, to eat nutritious and healthy foods and stay well hydrated and get off the couch or in front of computer and exercise and when we choose healthy and responsible eating plus exercise the results are amazing and we finally ask ourselves why did we wait so long to choose healthy and physically fit.
  • jessicaloves7
    jessicaloves7 Posts: 30 Member
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    Hey Raenell!!!

    Don't ever let people shame you from their pedestals. Or reduce your story to a simple If This Then That statement. Whether you "love" yourself isn't up to anyone but you - and certainly not up for a complete stranger to debate. No one knows your story but you. And for the most part, this site is FILLED with encouraging, empathetic and compassionate people who will help encourage you as you travel down your road. It's not easy to be vulnerable like you just did! And it's a huge first step in coming to terms with where you are at. And admitting things to yourself.. Dealing with where you are now.. And moving forward out of the "how did this happen?!" And into the "I am excited to change!" can be hard!

    I'm 29 and I've gained over 100lbs in the past 5 years. And I've played sports my entire life! Even Div II volleyball in college! Me of all people should understand my body and keeping it in tune.

    But hey - life! Ya know? I went through a trauma, and food felt like love. Or it felt like what I could control. And just like other addictions.. Drugs, alcohol, sex, fame, looking good, popularity... When I felt things I didn't want to look at or feel - I ate!

    And I've "tried" a thousand different things. I've read so much, learned so much. I have all the info.

    But action? For me it's taken REALITY. And this is what I love about this site. If your logging, and being honest, you can only ignore it for so long. The data doesn't lie. It stares you in the face. And if you have friends who have similar journeys, and you open up your diary to them and get some mutual accountability, it becomes even more powerful.

    So when your ready to start your journey, I'd love to help support you! I am doing a high fat low carb diet to start, and it's actually really enjoyable once you get the hang of it. I've started to like cooking. I look forward to tracking all my little wins. We all celebrate each other. We are all here to help.
  • totaldetermination
    totaldetermination Posts: 1,184 Member
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    You sound like a lovely lady :smile:.

    If you read the success stories, you will see others who have lost large amounts of weight. you can do it to !

    It will take time, you might struggle at times, it won't be easy, but you can do it !

    CICO really does work. If you eat less calories than you burn then you will lose weight.

    I really hope that you stay with it, so that you can enjoy life in a smaller body. I suggest that you surround yourself with positive friends (as the negative people on this site can be quite cruel).

    You might want to join a group such as this one
    http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/group/3322-100-pounds-with-no-surgery
    for people who have more to lose.

    Good Luck !
  • LeapDayLady
    LeapDayLady Posts: 3 Member
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    Thank you all so much. I appreciate you responding to my post. I will be checking in as often as I am able. February is a very busy month for me and it's already started getting busy. So, thank you thank you thank you. :smiley::blush:
  • LeapDayLady
    LeapDayLady Posts: 3 Member
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    Btw, how do I get a picture as my profile pic? That huge picture of me in my original post was supposed to be my profile image. That didn't work. :/
  • daveharris54
    daveharris54 Posts: 20 Member
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    Raenell, I only have about 100 lbs to lose but I can understand exactly what you are saying. I'm not sure about some of the advice that you have to love yourself enough to change. For me, I hate the way I look and the way I feel and have simply decided that I am going to do something about it. The love will increase as I decrease. I have a lifetime of trying many types of diets and know that any diet will work IF you can stick to it. That was always my problem, plus I'm basically lazy. I am not dieting! I have made a commitment to myself to eat better food, meaning primarily fresh, non-prepackaged or processed, low sugar, lower carb real food. It is working for me and I rarely get hungry if I eat 3 meals plus 2 snacks. The down side is I spend more time prepping and cooking than I ever have. The up side is I feel better and have more energy. Using MFP has been a great help because of logging my food, exercise and progress, which helps me understand what is working and what is not. The friends on here are great motivators and can inspire you. Just because others don't have as much to lose doesn't mean they don't struggle just as hard to stay committed. Commitment is the magic in following your plan, which by the way you must have. Making a plan for your weight loss journey is no different than making a travel plan, meaning it is hard to get to your destination without understanding the route to get you there. I hope the best for you and know you can do it.

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