Is it normal to not be friends with your ex?

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  • 365andstillalive
    365andstillalive Posts: 663 Member
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    It really depends on the individual relationship. I'm friends with the majority of my ex's now, but I certainly wasn't right after our breakups and I'm friends with them in the way that we might exchange a few texts a month, or I'd chat with them if I ran into them somewhere or in a way that ending up at the same social event because we still share friends wouldn't feel incredibly awkward. I'm not friends with them in a call them once a week to catch-up, make plans, and go out type way.

    Like the OP, I've dated some pretty fantastic people, but I also recognize that it can be very easy to re-develop feelings for people if the relationship you're presently in is leaving you feeling unfulfilled and I don't see the need to provide myself with that temptation and I certainly don't complain to my ex's about issues in my current relationship the way a lot of my friends are comfortable doing.

    To each their own.
  • 1HappyTurtleRunner
    1HappyTurtleRunner Posts: 125 Member
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    Not friends with any of my ex's I hope to avoid them when I am out in public.
  • SemperAnticus1643
    SemperAnticus1643 Posts: 703 Member
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    I was told that if you are able to remain friends with an ex after the relationship is over then it's one of 2 things:

    1. You were never in love with them to begin with.
    2. You still are.

    I will have to concur with this statement.
  • joeboland
    joeboland Posts: 205 Member
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    hortensehildegarde wrote: »
    A few recent comments where people said they wanted to lose weight to prove something to their ex made me wonder...

    I am friends with every ex I have not lost track of. They are awesome people (obviously or I wouldn't have been with them. Duh.)

    But the comments got me to wonder- do most people not stay friends with their romantic ex's?

    Why would you ever have been with them if you'd be ok to lose them as friends?

    I guess I always felt like I'd like to keep the important people that I love in my life, even when the space they properly fit in isn't the one I originally tried to put them in. Is that abnormal or am I just reading the odd set of responses of jaded ex's on the forums?

    Of my exes, I'm friends with one. It really depends on how the relationship ended. For us, we got together young, and as we grew up, we developed different interests and life goals. Neither of us resents the other or their dreams, but by staying together, one of us would've had to compromise theirs for the other's.
  • NikkiJanye73
    NikkiJanye73 Posts: 242 Member
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    It depends on how you break up. My husband cheated with my best friend ....so no I dont want to be friends, NOT ever. I hope he gets a very painful genital diesese. ;-)
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    hortensehildegarde wrote: »
    Why would you ever have been with them if you'd be ok to lose them as friends?

    not all relationships last for ever... that goes for both romantic ones and friendships...

    are you saying you are still friends with EVERY single person since you were old enough to make friends?!
  • JtKeil
    JtKeil Posts: 1,389 Member
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    I'm guessing if someone feels they need to lose weight to prove something to their ex that they're probably still in love with him/her.
  • ILiftHeavyAcrylics
    ILiftHeavyAcrylics Posts: 27,732 Member
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    Things ended badly with my ex. I don't have any ill will toward him and I hope he's happy, but I don't want him anywhere near me.
  • helenarriaza
    helenarriaza Posts: 517 Member
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    After my ex encouraged me to go on and kill myself while I was on a suicidal episode (among other gems like that), that pretty much turned down my friendship interest.
  • helenarriaza
    helenarriaza Posts: 517 Member
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    And the previous exes cheated on me, so... closing the chapters on them was a very good idea.
  • JtKeil
    JtKeil Posts: 1,389 Member
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    helenarriaza wrote: »
    And the previous exes cheated on me, so... closing the chapters on them was a very good idea.

    It probably was, I hope you've managed to move on hun :)

  • mrswoodstock
    mrswoodstock Posts: 29 Member
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    I would say (unless kids are involved) its abnormal to stay friends with your ex. there is a thin line between love and hate.

    I was with my ex 12 years. when he left he moved to another state and we attempted to stay friends. He continued the emotional abuse that he drove me crazy with via text until I turned his cell phone off (yes I was keeping his cell phone on so he would have it). when I started dating my current husband my ex said all kinds of horrible things about me including threatened me the one time I had to call him to deal with divorce stuff.

    my husband was friends with his ex for two years until he started dating me and then all of a sudden she wanted him back. and then when I got pregnant (she's infertile) she became the "crazy ex wife". stalking me and him on facebook, telling people our baby wasn't HIS baby (we now have two so who knows what shes saying now).

    I would say you have gotten lucky to not have had a relationship with a person crazy enough to NOT stay friends with. Many people don't share their "true colors" until later in the friendship or relationship. my husband pulled a total "bait and switch" with me. he was a complete sweety until we got married and gradually the abuse started.
  • loribethrice
    loribethrice Posts: 620 Member
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    hortensehildegarde wrote: »
    A few recent comments where people said they wanted to lose weight to prove something to their ex made me wonder...

    I am friends with every ex I have not lost track of. They are awesome people (obviously or I wouldn't have been with them. Duh.)

    But the comments got me to wonder- do most people not stay friends with their romantic ex's?

    Why would you ever have been with them if you'd be ok to lose them as friends?

    I guess I always felt like I'd like to keep the important people that I love in my life, even when the space they properly fit in isn't the one I originally tried to put them in. Is that abnormal or am I just reading the odd set of responses of jaded ex's on the forums?

    I am not friends with any of my exes. I couldn't even imagine! I was good and over it by the time our relationships ended. I tried to be friends with my ex-fiance, but that didn't work out well and he ended up just being a HUGE jerk and making me hate myself.
  • ThinLizzie0802
    ThinLizzie0802 Posts: 863 Member
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    I don't think it's uncommon to be friends with maybe one ex-someone you may have been friends with to begin, transitioned into romantic, and realized it just wasn't there but the friendship remained. However, to be friends with every ex you have is just clinging on to the past. I think it is cathartic to let go of that relationship and both move on. You don't have to cling on to every person you've been romantic with. I don't think that is healthy. I don't think showing an ex you've lost weight qualifies as friendship, either. And I feel that remaining friends with multiple exes is usually just a way to prove you still have some hold over them.
  • JenAndSome
    JenAndSome Posts: 1,893 Member
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    It really depends on the ex, why you split and what kind of obligation you still have with that person. I am civil with many of my exes, but I don't feel the need to seek them out and have friendly relationships with them. I get along fine with my ex husband and even work with him on occasion, but we have two kids and still have 11 years of joint decision making ahead of us. I am kind to my most recent ex because he has a son I have raised as my own since he was a few weeks old and I don't want to lose that connection. If it weren't for that I would probably not talk to him because we are just two totally different people.
  • OlyCapitalChick
    OlyCapitalChick Posts: 236 Member
    edited October 2014
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    Pretty much been my philosophy..
    • Being civil & general acquaintances. sure.
    • Work together to put the kid first (if there was one). sure.
    • Caring about another's well-being and not wish ill-will.check.
    • Would help them if asked? Depends on the ask, but sure.
    But friends?!! like hey: "lets go to the movies or do you want to kick it this weekend?"

    HELL TO THE MF NO.
  • MomTo3Lovez
    MomTo3Lovez Posts: 800 Member
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    I am friends with one ex which I had dated in High School so some 20 years ago, and 1 I am friends with as we have a daughter together who is almost 14....took quite a few years to get to a friend level....my ex husband however will never happen, even though we have 2 kids together he was a jerk and abusive and that friend status will never happen, I have a hard enough time getting him to communicate now about the kids...he's a loser and always will be.

    As for others I can see people being friends with their exes if they just drifted apart and their feelings changed to just a friend level.
  • BlueBombers
    BlueBombers Posts: 4,065 Member
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    helenarriaza wrote: »
    After my ex encouraged me to go on and kill myself while I was on a suicidal episode (among other gems like that), that pretty much turned down my friendship interest.

    OMG that is just awful!!

  • Cardio4Cupcakes
    Cardio4Cupcakes Posts: 289 Member
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    I have nothing against my exes but I wish them well and to never see them again.

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