My dad's passing and afraid to get on boardwalk again

mmmichaelidis

My dad passed away on 9/22. He has been on dyalisis for the last 4 years....this time his kidneys and liver and heart just shut down...he knew this was it for him. I am still not believing that he is gone... I went running on 9/23 the day after his passing...I was in major tears while I started my run and I know people noticed cause they were all staring....I ran my daily miles but I felt like crap... Felt like I was not respecting my dad...I just could not get myself to go run again but I know my dad would of love me to just go. He loved hearing how many miles did I do or how was the ocean today and when I look at the ocean and the blue skies while I run it's like he is with me and I get so upset. I know I will go run again but right now it's like I am afraid to get on that boardwalk. Love you dad... Missing you tremendously! :-(

jaggerjia

Omg, I am so very sorry for your loss! My dad passed away Dec 30th last year, also on dialysis and also b/c of renal failure. It's an excruciating situation to go through but its a long personal journey. Don't ever think something you're doing is disrespecting him. Keep up with running and keep telling him about it (if that works for you, find what works for you) celebrate his life, and mourn his passing and know he is always with you! Pay attention to your dreams, I had (and still do) have dreams with my dad in them- many different situations- and I find them comforting. In some ways it will get easier, and in other ways it won't, but live your life how you know he would want you to, by living, by taking care of yourself! (In every way, physically, emotionally, mentally) after my dads passing I became very spiritual, not completely organized religious, but yoga and meditation and spirituality really resonated with me, maybe it will for you. I believe in an afterlife (similar but different from what I was taught about growing up) and it gave me a tremendous sense of peace. Use this situation to find yourself. This is one of the most raw emotional times a person can go through. Two months ago I got married and my mom walked me down the aisle bedside my dad had passed but I had a picture of him on my bouquet and I know he was with me, and while it truly was the happiest day of my life I missed him in such a way that it hurt! I have never felt more alive than that day, experiencing such a range of mixed and tremendous emotions. Feel your emotions and find yourself and love yourself. Your father will live on through you, in things that he taught you, In stories that he told you in advice that he gave you that you will pass on. Again, I am so sorry for your loss, but do think of and talk about him often and love the time you did get to have with him. (Also, I love the pic of him! He looks happy and genuine)

Lizzy622

A very good therapeutic exercise is to write a letter to your father. It helps to get all those emotions and feelings out on paper. You may want to take this a step further by journaling your runs and describing to your father how you felt and how beautiful the ocean was that day.

michellesz

I feel your pain as though it was mine reading this. I am so sorry for your loss during this most difficult time. My dad passed away totally unexpected last year 9/6 of undetected stage 4 lung cancer. This just passed 1 year seems so unreal. Seemed like he was here today and gone tomorrow-literally as he never came home. May your dad rest in peace & I know as my dad would, I'm sure he would want you to continue to do what makes you healthy & happy & is looking down on you and so proud. You will run again with the emotions turning into wind beneath your wings. Take Care, Michelle

skippygirlsmom

I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad, I lost mine 14 years ago so I understand. My Dad raced cars and it was a big thing for us to do together. It took me a good month to go back to the track after he died, I didn't want to face it because I knew it would be very emotional for me. When I finally went back it was hard, very hard, he was every where I looked. Then I realized, he is every where I look and the sadness was replaced with all the happy memories we shared there. For over 30 years this was something we shared and did together and I could feel him there with me.

Go for that run on the boardwalk, yes it will be emotional, yes you will cry. Others may see you, who cares, it's not about them it's about you and that connection to your Dad. Allow the sadness to be replaced with all the happy memories, talk to him. "Dad I had a great run today". He's with you, he will always be with you.

Again I'm very sorry. Hugs.

TossaBeanBag

When my Dad passed, I stopped running. I gained a lot of weight, too. Just stopped caring. I got injured, too, but I could have got back into it, but I stopped - just like that. It's hard, no doubt. Keep running, though. Give your tomorrow's self something to thank you for, today - even if it doesn't seem to matter, right now, because it will. Make good choices. Self-destruction does not honor anyone. He'll still be cheering you on. Show him you love him by making good decisions. When you miss him, allow yourself to miss him a lot. In fact, allow your self to feel it all. Do not deny or surpress. Life throws some heartbreaking stuff at us... but, let it break us down, if only temporarily, and know that it comes and goes... and we'll be back in the high life, again. You never come to terms with it all, but I take solace in the fact I am not going to be around forever, either, and if there is something more after I am gone, I will find him, again. He was my best friend.
-
- I have 3 kids. I think I will start writing them little letters for when I am gone. I want them to drive on, thrive, be grateful for the time they have, and the experiences yet to come.

Mygsds

Oh, I am so sorry for the loss of your father.... Was your father supportive of your running?? If yes, then do it for him but also for yourself. Run like you e never run before.... You deserve so much happiness.. He is still with you.. Please stay strong..

mmmichaelidis

Thank you all for the beautiful responses...as I read every single one of them my tears came again but this time in a beautiful feeling...I felt like my dad was telling you guys to help me out there!!!! You guys know exactly how I am feeling cause you still mourning as I am too. Yes he loved hearing about my runs and you are right I just have to be strong and just go!!! He would be cheering me on for sure! Thank you again for the bottom of my heart to all of you for the motivation and your support and the beautiful words. Will get myself out there and not be afraid...God bless you all!

mmmichaelidis

jaggerjia wrote: »

Omg, I am so very sorry for your loss! My dad passed away Dec 30th last year, also on dialysis and also b/c of renal failure. It's an excruciating situation to go through but its a long personal journey. Don't ever think something you're doing is disrespecting him. Keep up with running and keep telling him about it (if that works for you, find what works for you) celebrate his life, and mourn his passing and know he is always with you! Pay attention to your dreams, I had (and still do) have dreams with my dad in them- many different situations- and I find them comforting. In some ways it will get easier, and in other ways it won't, but live your life how you know he would want you to, by living, by taking care of yourself! (In every way, physically, emotionally, mentally) after my dads passing I became very spiritual, not completely organized religious, but yoga and meditation and spirituality really resonated with me, maybe it will for you. I believe in an afterlife (similar but different from what I was taught about growing up) and it gave me a tremendous sense of peace. Use this situation to find yourself. This is one of the most raw emotional times a person can go through. Two months ago I got married and my mom walked me down the aisle bedside my dad had passed but I had a picture of him on my bouquet and I know he was with me, and while it truly was the happiest day of my life I missed him in such a way that it hurt! I have never felt more alive than that day, experiencing such a range of mixed and tremendous emotions. Feel your emotions and find yourself and love yourself. Your father will live on through you, in things that he taught you, In stories that he told you in advice that he gave you that you will pass on. Again, I am so sorry for your loss, but do think of and talk about him often and love the time you did get to have with him. (Also, I love the pic of him! He looks happy and genuine)

This is such a beautiful story about the day of your wedding...I am sure he was right beside you when your mom walked you down...thank you again for your support...may your dads memory he eternal! (Yeah it was his birthday picture which was taking on 3/7/14) thanks again anf god bless you and your family!

mmmichaelidis

Lizzy622 wrote: »

A very good therapeutic exercise is to write a letter to your father. It helps to get all those emotions and feelings out on paper. You may want to take this a step further by journaling your runs and describing to your father how you felt and how beautiful the ocean was that day.

I will definitely do this...thanks so much for a great idea! Xoxo

BerryH

So sorry to hear about your dad. My dad recently had kidney cancer and had one removed, and tests are showing the other hasn't stepped up to the task so he might need to start dialysis soon.

When I lost my mum to Alzheimers I ran in tears for weeks but found every step so hard. Eventually I ran the London Marathon for the Alzheimers Society and raised over £2500. A charity race for Kidney Research might be an eventual goal for you as a tribute to your dad, but only when you're ready.

I'm sure your dad would be proud of you every time you lace up your trainers and get out of the door. It takes real strength.

skippygirlsmom

Always remember, you are not alone, others have been there and want to help.

mmmichaelidis

BerryH wrote: »

So sorry to hear about your dad. My dad recently had kidney cancer and had one removed, and tests are showing the other hasn't stepped up to the task so he might need to start dialysis soon.

When I lost my mum to Alzheimers I ran in tears for weeks but found every step so hard. Eventually I ran the London Marathon for the Alzheimers Society and raised over £2500. A charity race for Kidney Research might be an eventual goal for you as a tribute to your dad, but only when you're ready.

I'm sure your dad would be proud of you every time you lace up your trainers and get out of the door. It takes real strength.

So sorry to hear about losing your mom and your dad's situation too. I give you so much credit to have done that marathon...you are strong...you are right he would be so proud seeing me go out there but I am just so afraid but I know I will eventually do it. I though about a charity that I want to do in the next months but like you said too I have to get out there first and best this scary feeling. Thank you so much BerryH

angelique_redhead

I think he would be proud of you running. Especially if you run to raise funds to support getting rid of what took him out. *HUGS*

mmmichaelidis

skippygirlsmom wrote: »

Always remember, you are not alone, others have been there and want to help.

Yes very true...but it's one of the hardest thing I been through!

hortensehildegarde

ack why did I read this! It made me cry, sounds like your dad loved you very much and you him. Very sorry for your loss. I don't think I have any good words to share just wanted you to know your comments about your dad were touching. I'm sure he was very proud of you.

southernbuttercup

Your Dad sounds like a wonderful man. I haven't been down that road yet, but wanted to send love and prayers your way. You are a strong, beautiful lady. One the right time comes you will be running the boardwalk again and your father will be right by your side.