What advice would you give my daughter?
My daughter who is 5' tall and 135lbs (24 years old) is very concerned about her weight. But that's not the issue here. Her girlfriend, who is about the same size as her (they live together) was raised by her aunt who can be very unpleasant.... more like judgmental, she always has something to say about her weight. Well, they plan on flying to Florida to stay with her aunt for Thanksgiving and my daughter is concerned because the last time she was there she was approx 120 lbs and therefore has gained 15 lbs. She's worried that her girlfriend's aunt will comment on her weight gain.
She doesn't want to go to Florida now. I would prefer to have her home but I don't want her being afraid to do things because of weight gain and due to judgmental and ignorant people.
What advice would you give her?
She doesn't want to go to Florida now. I would prefer to have her home but I don't want her being afraid to do things because of weight gain and due to judgmental and ignorant people.
What advice would you give her?
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Replies
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If she's 24, why don't they just stay in a hotel?0
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go, have fun, if someones really going to be that judgemental they arent worth your time.0
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Easy to say, hard to do, but I'd tell her to remember that anyone that unpleasant is probably projecting their own issues onto others. Just smile and try to change the subject. Good luck to her.0
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That the only opinion that matters (especially when it comes to herself) are her own.0
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Tell her people like that are everywhere, and she can choose to hide from them in shame, or she can face them head on. Most times these people lash out because they are hiding something in their lives that is making them miserable. Making sure the negative attention is on an outside person is just a defense to keep their insecurities out of the spotlight. The easiest way to deal with these people is with pity. She will feel the pity and find someone else to pick on who will react defensively.0
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pechepanda wrote: »go, have fun, if someones really going to be that judgemental they arent worth your time.
So True!0 -
I second the hotel part. Even if it's more expensive, she's going there to enjoy herself. And I also agree with ThePhoenix.0
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Tell her to look her right in the eye and say, "I've killed a lot of old people in my time. One more's not gonna make a damn bit of difference."
Or she could do what @ThePhoenixIsRising said. I suppose.0 -
the aunt is not the only unpleasant, judgmental person she's going to run into. Sad to say, she's going to have to learn how to deal with people like that somehow. Learning to be confident and love herself for who she is and more than just her body is the most important part of that, so those comments don't affect her.
She can meet the problem head on by asking the aunt not to make comments to her about her weight in a nice way. Tell her she's aware of her own weight gain and is dealing with it and doesn't need the input.0 -
She should say "Well, Bless your heart, thanks for your concern, I will take your advice into consideration". If the aunt is a native Floridian, she will know that she is being told in the Southern Belle vernacular to F.O.
I agree with the other posters, that it is impossible to spend your life avoiding unpleasant people, and no time like the present to practice dealing with them.0 -
Thank you everyone and I agree with all of you.
My daughter is such a confident young lady. She used to sing in a band in front of many people, has no fears of interviews and usually gets the job right on the spot.
I think this is the most she has ever gained. She went on the pill to regulate her cycle and I think that may have caused it.
I will have her read this thread
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Oh wow. The aunt sounds super pleasant. I don't know what she should do. I'm sure she wants to be with her girlfriend, but she shouldn't have to deal with that crap, either.0
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If she decides she doesn't want to spend time around the jerk aunt, it's not because of her weight, it's because she doesn't want to spend time with a jerk. And that's ok.0
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BinaryPulsar wrote: »If she decides she doesn't want to spend time around the jerk aunt, it's not because of her weight, it's because she doesn't want to spend time with a jerk. And that's ok.
This.0 -
BinaryPulsar wrote: »If she decides she doesn't want to spend time around the jerk aunt, it's not because of her weight, it's because she doesn't want to spend time with a jerk. And that's ok.
She really is a jerk! This aunt actually asked her niece if I was overweight (we never met).
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You can't live your life based on suppositions. The judgemental aunt might say something or maybe she won't. If she does though, it might help to have a polite but terse response in mind. I love the Bless yourt heart suggestion...
She may also want to discuss with gf an escape plan in case things get annoying. Maybe say they have to go back to the hotel for something? I was going suggest saying they're going for a walk but others might want to join in. Her gf would know her family best and could help with a plausible excuse.0 -
Why do people put up with chronically rude/busybody relatives? If someone causes you that much concern, either a) say something about it in a direct fashion or b) never see that person again.0
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I would tell her to go, expect the Aunt to be rude, deal with that with dignity and have as much fun as she can.
You can't spend your life avoiding rude people or changing your plans to avoid them. Better to learn how to deal with them sooner rather than later.
If she prefers to stay in a hotel that's an option but it seems to me that falling out with relatives (even if they are by association) over the holidays is pretty much the law.0 -
The message you should honestly be giving your daughter is that her worth is so much more than the weight on a scale or the way she looks. It's her intelligence, that she cares for others, her confidence, etc.
I have an aunt like the one you've described and when she makes comments to me like "Oh darling, you should suck in a little; it looks like you've put on a few. Maybe if you stood straighter, hmmm..." Since I'm a recent university grad I tend to comment back "I'm pretty sure my IQ has increased over the last few years too, yet you feel no need to comment on that. Shame." and walk away.0 -
Without seeing a picture of your daughter, I can't really give sound advice.0
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Why doesn't her girlfriend step in and tell the Aunt to knock it off. I would never allow my family to speak unkind to my friends or significant other. If it continued, we would leave, end of story.
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Advice?
Simple: never hang with negative people. If she goes, it will be a miserable thanksgiving...0 -
I don't understand. Is this humor, or a total lack of it?
Please explain your answer. Remember to use paragraphs. As always, spelling counts.
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They should just break up0
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skippygirlsmom wrote: »Why doesn't her girlfriend step in and tell the Aunt to knock it off. I would never allow my family to speak unkind to my friends or significant other. If it continued, we would leave, end of story.
^ This.
This isn't a matter of dealing with a random unpleasant person, they're going specifically to visit said unpleasant person. This person also happens to be her SO's parent. I would agree it's her girlfriend's responsibility to handle her aunt.0
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