My Journey... What to do about Self Sabotage?

MikeNessMonster

Hi all,
I'm wondering if there are other people who have experienced some of the same issues I am going through and would be able to offer some emotional support and advice.

So, as a kid I suffered with weight problems. I was always the "chubby" girl - I had to have my mother hand sew me jeans that were big enough because the clothing for the other girls never fit me properly. I always felt compared to my sister, who was always slender and tall. At around age 13, I really started to lean out, and I believe this was partly due to hormonal changes, as well as a long period of depression which decreased my eating. At about age 16, I switched from bag lunches to school lunches, and gained about 30 pounds in one winter (I'm 5'4", so that is quite a lot on my frame). At about that time, I began to become interested in health and fitness, and began educating myself on nutrition and fitness. For the first few years, I tried running (which I was never really into), and also joined a gym. I was mostly a cardio queen, but I was building my confidence in the gym (I always HATED sports and gym class in grade school). All of this did very little to help me lose the weight I had gained, and I remember finding it very exasperating, and I kept searching for new answers.

At age 18, I did the full program of P90X, and ate according to the meal plan. I didn't lose a single pound on the program (others have lost 20+ lbs on it). I did gain some lean muscle. I chalked it up to a learning experience. I went off to college, still feeling unwell in my body and wishing I could lose those pesky 20-25 lbs I had gained in high school. I began to learn more and more about weight training, and fell in love with it. Power lifting was my absolute favorite, and it came very easy to me. Sophomore year, I changed my major to Health and Fitness, and was working out 5 days a week, eating a clean low carb diet. I felt myself getting fitter and losing a bit of fat, but I was still holding onto a 27% bodyfat percentage. I even got a job as a Personal Trainer, and was successful in helping others lose weight. I was strong, but none of this was helping me slim down so that I truly felt happy in my own skin.

At age 21, a chronic illness caused me to quit my job, drop out of school, and basically I laid in bed for a year and a half wondering what was wrong with me and if I'd ever feel better. Amazingly, I managed not to gain much weight during that period. Funnily enough, it was my knack for nutrition research that helped me find a cure for my illness. I am now turning 23, and FINALLY getting back into a gym routine.

I have NEVER been fully comfortable in my own body. I cannot understand why I have such a hard time losing body fat. I often wonder if I am self sabotaging, as I have all the knowledge about fat loss and exercise that anyone would need to get in GREAT shape. Maybe I have a fear of failure, or some sort of complex left over from when I was a chubby kid getting bullied for it. I feel like all of my "failures" to drop the extra twenty pounds were just learning experiences to get me prepared for the time when it will actually work. I need to be able to do this for myself. I've been trying to lose this same 20-25 pounds since I was 16, and now I'm 23! It seems ridiculous to be unhappy in your own body for so long, when I have all the knowledge to do it. As excited as I am about it, there is always something that stops me. I get sick (which happens often), and after a week of illness I no longer have motivation or belief in myself. I cannot pinpoint what is stopping me from really committing, but I really need help with it. I know losing those few extra pounds isn't a cure-all, but I know it would make me feel like I could do anything in my life that I wanted to. What do you all think? Have you ever been here, and what did you do to overcome it?

Here are my stats/workout/eating regimen in case you were interested:

Height: 5'4"
Weight: 166
BF%: 27.5%

Workout:
Upperbody Strength 8-12 reps Monday, Thursday
Lowerbody strength 8-12 reps Tuesday, Friday
Moderate cardio directly after all weight training sessions
Looking to incorporate sprinting onto off days

Nutrition:
No processed sugar, no dairy, no gluten
Mostly lean proteins, Low GI Carbs (sweet pot, a bit of brown rice, quinoa), lots of veggies, a bit of Low GI fruits
Healthy fats (coconut oil, etc)
At least half my bodyweight (oz) Water/day

Thank you all for reading my ridiculously long post!

healthygreek

Have you tried eating at a deficit and weighing all your food and logging your daily calories and exercise here on MFP?

shhcher

Definately weigh all your food. You wont believe how fast actual calories add up. Write down EVERY MORCEL of food down, even if its a bite. Those are the invisible calories that add up. A weight loss group leader once told us to put all the food that we just taste in a pile for just one day that we dont write down, and youll find you have a nice size compost pile of invisible calories. (If this makes sence) I so self sabotaging myself with food. Finally getting myself to write in my MFP journal eveything I eat. 2 days, doing pretty good.
Bottom line, you have to commit. Im a pro at losing the same weight over and over (read my profile, it says that) I have just 20lbs but come on already, IM ALMOST 50, Im 20 at heart! Friend me if u need one! You can do it!