Struggle with small talk

Illona88

I have recently moved back to London to a house full of other people.

Thing you need to know about me is that I've always been bullied about my weight and I dealt with it by just retreating to the background, by not saying anything, so hopefully no one would even notice me.
Also, the area I come from it is just not a cultural thing to always have to fill up silences. In my family we are perfectly happy just sitting in silence.

Now that I have moved to this new house, my housemates keep telling me that I am very quiet and that I am bad at small talk. They tell me that the silences are making them a bit uncomfortable and they feel like I don't like them. But I just don't know what to say or how to even start.
I used to suffer from severe social anxiety, so much so that I wouldn't go out for months. So I have come a long way already, I just don't know how to do this one thing.

How do you people do it?
What do you talk about and how do you avoid awkward silences?

OfficerFuzzy

Ask questions. I find that most people are perfectly content with just blabbering about themselves and love for people to ask questions.
Don't ask, "How are you"? but "How has your day gone?"
It's a question that invites a story, rather than just a one line answer.


I don't really avoid awkward silences though...I more or less live in awkward silences--I am the awkward silence.
*puts on cape*

So, maybe I'm not the best person to answer this question. I find it's easier to talk to people I don't know if I imagine I'm talking to someone I'm close when and can chat with easily....I usually go with asking questions.

latepaul

I don't have any answers for you because I suffer from the same thing.

I suppose what helps me is a couple of friends that know me and accept me. Ironically I tend to talk their ears off (it's about feeling comfortable I guess). But in unfamiliar social occasions or meeting new people I do tend to clam up and it's a pain. So I feel for you.

Kurrsteee

I don't. I was always bullied as a child as well, right up until I left college a couple of years ago. Getting those people out of your life is the biggest and best step you'll take.
As for awkward silences, I'd give it a few weeks. Try saying hi in the kitchen, asking if they need anything if you're going to the shops, just little things like that. Works wonderfully. It's baby steps, but it looks like that's what you need!

khall86790

Most of the time I just try to think of an ice breaker question.
For example, I recently moved to Germany and met an american who was here visiting his girlfriend, we got left alone for a couple of hours before meeting with a group of friends. Of course I was like aaah crap, is this gonna be awkward?
So, I just said to him "so, do you think Europe is different to America? What stuff have you noticed is different?"
And it developed into a conversation that lasted the whole 2 hours about differences between the states and Europe, what I have found different within Europe, etc.

A lot of the time, the other person feels awkward too and it's about making them feel comfortable to talk to you. I often do this by just being interested in whatever small facts I know about the person I'm talking to.
You just need to put yourself out there. At first it feels so awkward but eventually you realise that after 5 minutes of it being awkward, you can make someone feel so comfortable with you.

122ish

I wish I knew how to practice awkward silences lol I tend to talk too much and need to avoid those moments of quiet when I am with others. it's like I have diarrhea of the mouth, or like my cousin said yesterday " u have no filter!"

The people u live with have to get used to you, although I think they r great practice for u. Just ask questions that won't yield yes or no answers. But it is true most people love to blab so u will spend most the time listening as long as u recognize what the other person wants to talk about. My sister for example can go on and on about her boyfriend. Ok before I start blabbing I am ending my comment

glovepuppet

I have recently moved back to London to a house full of other people.

Thing you need to know about me is that I've always been bullied about my weight and I dealt with it by just retreating to the background, by not saying anything, so hopefully no one would even notice me.
Also, the area I come from it is just not a cultural thing to always have to fill up silences. In my family we are perfectly happy just sitting in silence.

Now that I have moved to this new house, my housemates keep telling me that I am very quiet and that I am bad at small talk. They tell me that the silences are making them a bit uncomfortable and they feel like I don't like them. But I just don't know what to say or how to even start.
I used to suffer from severe social anxiety, so much so that I wouldn't go out for months. So I have come a long way already, I just don't know how to do this one thing.

How do you people do it?
What do you talk about and how do you avoid awkward silences?

that's rather rude and unhelpful of them to say that. some people are just quiet.

my advice is to smile, and to make eye contact when they talk to you. if you seem open and attentive then instead of being 'quiet and creepy' you're a 'really good listener!'.
it's easier to ask about other people than it is to talk about yourself, and that wins you brownie points too. look up 'active listening' and you'll get an idea of what i mean. let the other person do the conversational leg work.
relax your posture. if you seem relaxed then people will feel more relaxed around you. so head up, shoulders loose and smile at the ready!

Kestrel45

Getting those people out of your life is the biggest and best step you'll take.

^^This.

I am similar. I get socially anxious very often and most times I don't have anything to add to a particular conversation and don't even want to say anything. I can talk a lot and be normal around my close friends and family and people I get along with, but for most people I can't really relate to all that well. As of these days, I'm not letting it bother me at all. I'm the way I am, and people can except it or not. So continue working on improving yourself and making yourself the person you want to be, not what others want you to be hope everything works out.

BananaFaceFace

I cannot stand small talk I avoid it as much as possible, I also suffer from social anxiety. My only advice is to talk about things you're interested in I find its easier to hold a convo that way without stressing about what to say next. If you can't do that then just say you're not much of a talker. Or maybe think about ways of reducing your anxiety if you really wish to be able to engage in small talk. In my opinion it's perfectly okay to stay silent if you wish, we don't need to fill every second with words just to appease someone else.

All the best xxx

ShaunaMcMac

I struggle with this too. One thing that has helped me is to be the first one to say "hi". So... If I see someone I know in the hallway, or my roommate in the kitchen (I'm married now, but you know what I mean), I look at them in the eye and with a smile say "hi Sally" or "good morning". This was a huge step for me, but it let people know that I was open for conversation. I'm still quit in social situations, but people no longer think I'm a snob.

Buddhasmiracle

The book, "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking," by Susan Cain is a good read in spite of some of the chapters being a bit on the pop psychology side. I am an introvert, but it is not grounded in social anxiety. It is the way I "process" my environment.

What most posters here said is true. Demonstrate geunine interest in other people (those "extroverts!") and they'll love you to pieces.

servilia

Hmm you can ask them questions. I assume they work or go to school so that's a good place to start. How was your day at work, how was class, how do you like your prof, what are your plans for the weekend etc. Feign an interest in something they like or are doing.. Like if they take a certain class ask how they like their prof cause you're thinking of taking it. Ask them of they've been to a good movie recently or tell them about one you've seen. Compliment something theyre wearing or just bought and ask them where they got it. Just remember ppl love to talk about themselves and to spew opinions (like on mfp haha) and go from there!