Should Death Be a Secret?

justwanderful

It could be that he is still sorting out his feelings himself and isn't ready for a zillion calls from everyone (and visits). He probably needs to come to terms internally before he is ready to share it with the rest of the family. I would honor his request and as time goes on, maybe you could ask him when he was planning on telling everyone else, or, if you could. I'm sure he will eventually.

This! This is how you should handle it.

One of my younger brothers died of brain cancer a few years ago. I miss him every day.

bellesouth18

It could be that he is still sorting out his feelings himself and isn't ready for a zillion calls from everyone (and visits). He probably needs to come to terms internally before he is ready to share it with the rest of the family. I would honor his request and as time goes on, maybe you could ask him when he was planning on telling everyone else, or, if you could. I'm sure he will eventually.

This.

My first husband died of brain cancer after a 16 month battle. He was 35. Everyone knew about it well in advance. It was still very hard to deal with. Feel honored that he shared it with you so early, but honor his wishes. His illness will make itself known soon enough. Give him time to grieve. When he comes to terms is when it will be time for others to grieve.

americangirlok

Maybe you could just hint to your son, like "you know your grandpa isn't getting any younger, you never know if this is the last chance you'll have to visit." And then you won't be telling him, but you'll be making it clear he needs to go spend some time with grandpa.

bearkisses

when someone is dying of cancer, or a planned death from sickness...it is almost like grieving takes place while they are slowly dying. Then it is really sad, but kind of cathartic when they are finally out of pain.

A client called in recently that wanted grief counselling, they were in your son's boat...grandparent was ill, no one told them- super pissed!

But it is his wishes, so it is tough.

craigmandu

Well, I'm sorry to hear about the situation.

My opinion would be to honor his wishes. He has confided this in you, and in my opinion, it would be a wrong thing for you to spread the word without his consent.

I've gone through a couple of these in my life, and while it is definitely a terrible thing, it is still imperative to let the person come to their own understandings and own personal grieving. Once he is ready, he will most likely tell others, or "allow" it to be told. I'm sure he doesn't want alot of calls/questions at this stage and wants to wrap his head around what is happening.

I wish him and your family the best!

sdereski

Reading through some of these posts and people sharing their personal experiences, only reinforces that there truly are heroes among us.

OP as others of said, given some time, perhaps your FL will change his mind about sharing his diagnosis. There will come a time, when he will not be able to hide his illness. Hopefully, that will provide his loved ones time to say their goodbyes.

bellesouth18

I'm currently fighting cancer myself (and uckily it looks like I'm winning) and I must say I can sympathise with how he feels.
I personally hate telling people. Both because I hate hurting them and because I really hate being pitied.
I was diagnosed the 24th of December. Got a phonecall 15 minutes before going home to celebrate christmas with my family. I kept it to myself for two days not wanting to ruin christmas for both my family and myself. These two dys also gave me the time to let the news sink in. After that I sat down with my family and told them.
My first instinct was also to keep it a secret but at the same time I realized that that was only a form of denial, running away from a harsh truth. Besides, being on chemo is something fairly visible.
If I was sure I'd survive and b able to keep it a secret I would, simply because I would have spared my loved ones a lot of pain and worries.
But if I were terminal I wouldn't, simply because saying goodbye is very important and through the choice of keeping it a secret I'd hurt my loved ones.
So give him some time and he might reconsider. Getting the news is not something you just accept in a moment's notice and he might just turn around. And if he doesn't sit down and express your concerns. You're going to have to respect his wishes in the end (I guess) but that doesn't mean it's not up for discussion.
I wish you the bes of luck in the times to come

My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.

tammyr112

My mother was diagnosed with brain cancer. She told only one person and that person told no one. After her death, from a brain hemorrhage, we tried to donate her organs. The conselour who we spoke with about it was the one to tell us she had cancer and they could not accept any organs. I was devastated that she had kept it a secret from every one as were several others in the family including my son whom she was very close to.
I would allow him some time to accept this himself and then speak to him about how it will affect those closest to him to know he felt he could not share this with them. That fact could be as devastating as his death.

ldrosophila

My FIL concealed from us and everyone that he was dying. We did not know that he knew until after he passed. I wished he had told us, so we could have comforted him and maybe even had some last whoo-raaahs. However, I feel like it was his choice to decide. I do not in any way feel as though he was obligated to share that information with anyone.

I think this may sum up how I feel fairly well. I guess his selfish desire to die the way he chooses trumps our selfish desire to comfort him and have a last whoo-rah with him. That's why that even though we don't agree with it, we are choosing to respect his wishes.

*Edit to add *selfish* desire to comfort him.

Glad you made that edit because in the end this is his life and possibly his passing and his choice for how he wants to be remembered. Respect what he wants hopefully as he comes to term with his own grief and mortality he will include more. In some ways I can see why he would choose to keep it a secret. It could be emotionally painful for him how do you say a life time of 'I'm sorries", "I love yous," and "Goodbyes" in the time that he may have left? Has he ever been a very emotional open person? I'm glad you are respecting him. Hopefully, he will open up before it's too late. There is really no way you can prepare for someone's passing anyways how ever it happens will be a shock and devastating. Many prayers to your family.

Velum_cado

I would talk to him and ask why it's so important that no one know. I'd take the position that death is a natural thing and it doesn't have to be a dark secret. There's no reason you can't prepare for it as a family in a positive way - making a memory box for grandchildren, talking about his favorite parts of his life. I'd also explain that it's a great opportunity for his grandson to create some positive memories to associate with grandpa's death instead of just being shocked and saddened.

I do agree that his wishes should be respected, but I'd try to understand his reasoning and explain my own as best I could.

stephygetsfitt

It seems like there definitely isn't a right or wrong answer for this situation.

But most importantly, life is so short and the time we have with our loved ones is too. You should always say what your heart needs for you to say before it's too late and you might not have that chance. Approach the situation lightly and with a -kind heart- considering the feelings of everyone involved.

If you can have a compassionate 1 on 1 or maybe with someone close to him. We also have to remember that he has a lot on his plate as well, things he's trying to deal with. You don't want to create any unnecessary stress for him during this difficult time.

No matter what, the situation should always end on a ~positive~ note. Never let ill relationships, feelings or words linger.

He might just need to be reminded that his health effects others close to him as well.
At the end of the day it is his body and his health and it might be best to respect his wishes if he is very set on how he feels. Men are very stubborn and proud.

Definitely a tough situation to be in! I hope everything works out for your family. *hugs*

cherryd69

Im in split minds over this. I work in the care sector and have contact with death on at least a monthly basis, when i worked for the NHS, it was an hourly basis.

Family's and friends need time to grieve, to get their head around the concept that someone close to them who is a big part of their life, will sadly no longer be with them. On the other hand, death is also a private personal thing that the patient needs time to get their head around.


You may find, given some time that he will wish to share it... but dont be surprised if he dosnt, hes carrying his own guilt.

Before i get flamed, believe me people who know they havnt got long or are suffering from terminal illness's do carry alot of guilt, they feel they are letting their familys down by not being there for them any longer, no longer a pillar of their family. Some feel the guilt of being a burden on their familys because of their illness.


My father in law sadly passed away 3 years ago, my husband is still finding it hard to not have his dad around. His dad tried to keep his illness private from his kids for as long as he could, where as i was trying slowly to explain to my now husband how at the stage his father was, the signs wernt good.... Because of being told so long on, i think imo my husband found it harder, we didnt have long enough as a family to prepare for the loss.


As i said though, it is a private thing, all you can do is respect his wish's.

M______

I got 12 hours notice with my younger sister after a year full of being told her treatment was going well. That wasn't her choice, it was due to a stem cell transplant not working as planned. I weighed it up quite carefully after she passed, whether it would have been better if I'd have known, if anyone would have. I discussed it with my family. General consensus was no matter how much it would have hurt, we would have done anything to have known something like that was coming up. I also didn't have any time with my best friend 10 years ago who took his own life completely out of the blue. Nobody but him knew there were any bad issues.

I guess that people care and people rightly take death very seriously. To the OP - I agree with those saying you could perhaps talk to him. He has told you, if you talk to him about it I hardly think it will come as a surprise. I'm sure that those who don't get any time to process something like this, they are left with a lot of regret, even if it is unwarranted. He may just need some time to process things himself, to get his things in order. I think you should definitely ask him and find these things out.

5ftnFun

Dad died of cancer at 66 (I'm going on 68 and have outlived his years)--well, he died of pneumonia after this operation-- mom in her 70's from thyroid cancer. (I'm a vet and constantly have myself checked by the VA-- high BP and pre-diabetic--until I came here--ok so far) Mom was not sudden. Her dad, grandpa, died from diabetes. It was sudden and hidden from us kids at the time--my brother and I were teens. When it comes my time--my oldest tells me I've got 20 years left at the most-- nice to have a son who keeps count-- I'm ready. When I go I want to slide into Valhalla with a flagon of beer in my hand yelling,
"Wow, that was a great ride, let's do that again!" We all die. I'm putting my cat Salem to sleep on Wednesday. I've got 7 canisters of ashes of passed pets--yes, I rescue them. They accumulate. It is his wish not to tell anyone. Honor that. When death happens, we deal with it.

This made me smile. You remind me a bit of my own Dad. He has a very accepting view of death & often jokes about it. He once told us not to waste money on a fancy casket. He said we should buy the cheapest one available, or better yet, throw him into the river and let the fishes have at him. We were all taken aback & laughing...somewhat. He said his life has been full with few regrets. Later on, he told us kids that he & my Mom have already purchased their plots at the cemetery in a new section which has just opened up. He jokes he hopes they don't bring the neighborhood down.

On a serious note, so sorry about your cat Salem. Losing furry loved ones is hard too.

Edit: to clarify, the part that made me smile was the ""When I go I want to slide into Valhalla with a flagon of beer in my hand yelling, Wow, that was a great ride, let's do that again!" part!

nicholawelch

I think it is a hard question to answer and everyone will have their own varying answers.

My Husband was diagosed in feb that he has stage 3 brain cancer and it is not curable. The first people we told were our immediate family and a couple of close friends as they are our support network . We did not tell our children (11,10 and 5) straight away because we were unsure of how to tell them so we got advice first. However we found we had to tell others (school) for the sake of our children then when the children knew they asked if they could talk to their friends about it and we said they could Our children know that daddy won't get better, then their friends went home and told their parents so people soon found out but then again hey would have done anyway, as my husband now uses a wheelchair, stick and stroller to et out and about. I can understan where you are coming from though. it took along time for us to be really able to talk to anyone then it gradually became easier. my husband even now doesn't tell people he knows quite well he just says he had an operation and leaves it at that.
I suppose that at the end of the day it is about respecting wishes even though you may think it is wrong. I don't think there is a right or wrong to this everyone is different

5ftnFun

I got 12 hours notice with my younger sister after a year full of being told her treatment was going well. That wasn't her choice, it was due to a stem cell transplant not working as planned. I weighed it up quite carefully after she passed, whether it would have been better if I'd have known, if anyone would have. I discussed it with my family. General consensus was no matter how much it would have hurt, we would have done anything to have known something like that was coming up. I also didn't have any time with my best friend 10 years ago who took his own life completely out of the blue. Nobody but him knew there were any bad issues.

I guess that people care and people rightly take death very seriously. To the OP - I agree with those saying you could perhaps talk to him. He has told you, if you talk to him about it I hardly think it will come as a surprise. I'm sure that those who don't get any time to process something like this, they are left with a lot of regret, even if it is unwarranted. He may just need some time to process things himself, to get his things in order. I think you should definitely ask him and find these things out.

I am so sorry about your sister and your best friend too. Thank you for sharing your story, painful though it may be.

5ftnFun

I think it is a hard question to answer and everyone will have their own varying answers.

My Husband was diagosed in feb that he has stage 3 brain cancer and it is not curable. The first people we told were our immediate family and a couple of close friends as they are our support network . We did not tell our children (11,10 and 5) straight away because we were unsure of how to tell them so we got advice first. However we found we had to tell others (school) for the sake of our children then when the children knew they asked if they could talk to their friends about it and we said they could Our children know that daddy won't get better, then their friends went home and told their parents so people soon found out but then again hey would have done anyway, as my husband now uses a wheelchair, stick and stroller to et out and about. I can understan where you are coming from though. it took along time for us to be really able to talk to anyone then it gradually became easier. my husband even now doesn't tell people he knows quite well he just says he had an operation and leaves it at that.
I suppose that at the end of the day it is about respecting wishes even though you may think it is wrong. I don't think there is a right or wrong to this everyone is different

My heart aches for you and your young children. I am sorry, I find myself not knowing what to say. I am so sorry you are having to go through this and hope you keep strong.

LMT2012

I've lost people suddenly, and after a long illness. Sudden is much worse for the survivors. Although I would, in general, adhere to the wishes of a dying man, I would tell my son. He is hardly an acquaintance and your father in law is not thinking of others at a time like this. I think it's your right to protect your son and keep him in the loop. Once the news settles in, they can have a talk and in years to come, this will mean the world to your son. A much better legacy for Grandpa too.

5ftnFun

I've lost people suddenly, and after a long illness. Sudden is much worse for the survivors. Although I would, in general, adhere to the wishes of a dying man, I would tell my son. He is hardly an acquaintance and your father in law is not thinking of others at a time like this. I think it's your right to protect your son and keep him in the loop. Once the news settles in, they can have a talk and in years to come, this will mean the world to your son. A much better legacy for Grandpa too.

I will have to disagree here. While I think that it would be better for all concerned if he allowed the news to be shared, it is my father-in-law's decision & request to keep it quiet, and we intend to respect that. If I ignore my father-in-law's request to keep quiet and told my son, then what confidence would my son have in me to keep quiet if he shared something with me? I'd say none. I would have proved myself not trustworthy. Also, I cannot protect my son from all of life's hurts and heartaches. Pain is inevitable. Life can be full of joy & happiness, but it also can be filled with pain and sorrow.