Want to help my teenage niece...

spingirl605

I have always been, and always will be conscious of my weight/health. I am a fitness instructor, and I count calories daily and am still struggling to lose the last 5lbs that I need. That said, I have a beautiful niece. She is beautiful on the inside and out, but she is extremely overweight. She is 17, and both of her parents are overweight. I have never said anything to her about her weight, but try to be a good role model by talking about my classes, and food that I've made hoping that one day she would feel comfortable enough to come and ask me for advice. She never has...I've gone out to eat with her, and I see her eating far more calories in 1 meal that I might eat in 2 or sometimes even 3 meals in a day. Do I need to completely stay out of this, and mind my own business? Can I even bring up the topic with her? Should I? I love her so much, and she is so smart, and going off to University in the fall and I just really worry about her, because people can be really mean. Someone told me that she is probably happy the way she is, and that I should just stay out of it. Any thought? Maybe some girls on here that wish their aunts had intervened? All I really want is for her to be happy and one day find love...

MinnieInMaine

Nope, don't do it. Even with the best of intentions, you could really hurt her feelings and create a rift. I'm sure she knows she's obese and she knows what you do for a living and could come to you if she wanted to..and maybe she will when she's ready.

She's at the age that I was when I started gaining weight, and trust me, it wouldn't matter what anyone said to me at that point or even for the next 15 years. While I wish I'd started being healthier sooner, someone intervening would not have been the answer. She has to figure it out for herself.

The best you can do is to continue to be a good role model. And maybe invite her to do more active things when you hang out...like going for a nice easy hike.

TheVirgoddess

Please don't say anything. She knows she's over weight. Continue to be a good role model and stop judging her choices. She'll make the change when she's ready to and then you can be there to guide her.

xcalygrl

Mind your own business.

Do not say anything to her. It is highly unlikely that she is oblivious to the fact that she is carrying extra weight.

You can't shame someone into losing weight. You can't convince them they need to lose weight. They have to want to do it themselves. Until she reaches a point where she wants to lose, there is nothing you can do.

I started losing weight when I was 16-17 years old. I can tell you right now that at that age if my aunt/mom/uncle/dad/brother/sister/anyone but my doctor said something to me, I would ignore it. What got me started losing weight was a health scare that was addressed by my doctor.

MelRC117

Nope. She knows she is overweight, she doesn't need you pointing it out. At 17 it will sound like preaching. You do what you can by being a role model and exercise, that's all you can do.
Trust me, I'm sure people have already been mean to her about her weight. She will decide when she is ready to change her eating and activity habits. That is for HER to decide IF and when.

Also, she probably is happy. She may not be happy with every aspect of her life, but don't assume just because she is fat she is miserable in all aspects, especially when it comes to the relationship part.

TavistockToad

she know she's fat... you dont need to tell her...

invite her swimming/walking/skating/dancing/whatever is active as often as you can, and suggest places to eat that have a healthier menu, but other than that you cant help her till she wants to help her self.

randomtai

Mind your own business... I would not want an aunt telling me I am fat.

TavistockToad

spingirl605 wrote: »

All I really want is for her to be happy and one day find love...

just saw this... you think noone will love her because she's overweight?! nice!

TheRoadDog

Invite her to do healthy things. Maybe she'd like to go walking? Invite her to your fitness class. Tell her that since she's family, it's free. Invite her parents, too.

jharlowlives

You sound like my aunt, who has been excessively rude about my weight since I was 15 or so. The more she asked me to come to fitness classes with her, the more I didn't want to go or even attempt it. Love her as much as you can. She will lose the weight when she is ready and she wants to. In the meantime, keep your comments regarding how much she eats to yourself.

SLLRunner

spingirl605 wrote: »

I have always been, and always will be conscious of my weight/health. I am a fitness instructor, and I count calories daily and am still struggling to lose the last 5lbs that I need. That said, I have a beautiful niece. She is beautiful on the inside and out, but she is extremely overweight. She is 17, and both of her parents are overweight. I have never said anything to her about her weight, but try to be a good role model by talking about my classes, and food that I've made hoping that one day she would feel comfortable enough to come and ask me for advice. She never has...I've gone out to eat with her, and I see her eating far more calories in 1 meal that I might eat in 2 or sometimes even 3 meals in a day. Do I need to completely stay out of this, and mind my own business? Can I even bring up the topic with her? Should I? I love her so much, and she is so smart, and going off to University in the fall and I just really worry about her, because people can be really mean. Someone told me that she is probably happy the way she is, and that I should just stay out of it. Any thought? Maybe some girls on here that wish their aunts had intervened? All I really want is for her to be happy and one day find love...

You're a good auntie because you are worried about your niece. I can tell you love her very much and want the best for her.

To put in bluntly, you need to stay out of it. She knows she's overweight. You don't what grief she gets elsewhere, and to have an aunt tell her she needs to lose weight, even if it is said with the best intentions, is going to turn her against you. I'm sure the last thing you want is for your niece to build a resentment against you.

I say this because I was a fat kid and any family member saying anything about my weight pushed me away and made me feel even worse about myself.

However, there is nothing wrong with just being you and being a good example.

spingirl605

Thanks!! That's what my heart was saying...The last thing in the world I would want to do is hurt her. She is an amazing young woman, and I am very proud of all that she has accomplished at such a young age!!

molson55

No. Before I started to lose weight, when people brought up weight to me it only made me feel worse, which made me eat more (cause that was my way of coping). I knew, and she probably knows, that there is an issue. However, the only way for weight loss to be successful is if SHE is motivated enough to start and follow through with a weight loss plan. If she comes to the conclusion on her own that its time to start eating better and exercising, not only will she be more successful, but it will be easier for her and make her much happier. If she ever decides to start that journey, by all means help her and support her. But don't force her to take it

randomtai

spingirl605 wrote: »

All I really want is for her to be happy and one day find love...

Oh my... you're on your own OP.... :noway:

spingirl605

I will be here for her should she ever decide to come to me...Oh and for the record, I have never judged her. Just noticed things...I would never judge her...

Mischievous_Rascal

TheVirgoddess wrote: »

Please don't say anything. She knows she's over weight. Continue to be a good role model and stop judging her choices. She'll make the change when she's ready to and then you can be there to guide her.

Agreed. If you push her before she's ready to change for herself, you run the risk of losing your bond with her. Just love her for where's she's at and be there for her how and when she needs you to be.

SLLRunner

spingirl605 wrote: »

I will be here for her should she ever decide to come to me...Oh and for the record, I have never judged her. Just noticed things...I would never judge her...

Understood, and I got no impression that you were judging her.

However, I did miss the part about you wanting her to be happy and someday find love. Love does not come in weight packages, it comes in compatibility packages, and the willingness to be open to love.

jkal1979

I had a couple of aunts try to lecture me about my weight when I was in my teens. It didn't go over very well with me to the point where I didn't even want to eat around them and would try to avoid them whenever I could.

And that last line in your OP is pretty harsh. I'm sure there is a lot more to her than her looks for someone to love, and if that's all a guy cares about that's not the kind of guy you want with your niece.

spingirl605

"All I really want is for her to be happy and one day find love..."
ok for the record, this came out totally wrong!!! As I re-read it, I see that!!!!! OMG, that is NOT what I meant!!! Of course I know she can find love the way she is, because she is an amazing person, not because of the way she looks!!! OH man, I sound like a monster!!!! I just meant no matter where life takes her, no matter where she is, I want her to be happy!!!! PLEASE don't make this a reflection of me. I am not a superficial *kitten*. Really I'm not!!!

I will totally stay out of it, and continue to love her for who she is....

SLLRunner

spingirl605 wrote: »

"All I really want is for her to be happy and one day find love..."
ok for the record, this came out totally wrong!!! As I re-read it, I see that!!!!! OMG, that is NOT what I meant!!! Of course I know she can find love the way she is, because she is an amazing person, not because of the way she looks!!! OH man, I sound like a monster!!!! I just meant no matter where life takes her, no matter where she is, I want her to be happy!!!! PLEASE don't make this a reflection of me. I am not a superficial *kitten*. Really I'm not!!!

I will totally stay out of it, and continue to love her for who she is....

Gosh, I hate when I say the wrong thing too!

stacyjh1979

I understand how you feel and I know it's hard to keep quiet but I agree with the others. I have a daughter who does not live with me that will be 10 next week. She's a great kid, extremely smart and finally starting to come out of her shell (she was EXTREMELY shy when she was younger and wouldn't even speak to most family members at family gatherings) but she is also very overweight. I believe now she is around 110lbs and it makes me very sad for her. I have struggled with weight most of my life and I can remember being so conscious of my weight at her age and how it affected my self esteem. I think honestly though that if anyone had said anything I would have been devastated. I also feel like I don't have much control over it because she does not live with me. What I do is make sure that when she is with me she sees me exercise every day and sees that I try to make good choices about the food I eat. I also limit the junk she eats when she's at my house. She knows I've been using MFP and I used it on Saturday to show her that what she ate at McDonald's that day for lunch was more calories than I ate the entire day. I think she was surprised by that but I hope the awareness will encourage her to make changes. She really seems to be unphased by her weight at this point but I know it will start to bother her eventually and I can just hope that when it does she will know that she can come to me for help. As with any personal/lifestyle change the person has to want it for themself before anything can change. You could perhaps mention it to your niece's mother, although I'm sure she is aware as well and probably feels similar to me. The only thing that can be done is controlling what food is in the home but at 17 a kid has so much freedom these days that her eating cannot (and really should not) be policed by anyone.

StaciMarie1974

I'd say only intervene if you have reason to be concerned about her health. Have her parents mentioned any concerns based on doctor visits? If so, perhaps give tips to the PARENTS such as encouraging her to find active hobbies to participate in.

Tiamo719

spingirl605 wrote: »

Thanks!! That's what my heart was saying...The last thing in the world I would want to do is hurt her. She is an amazing young woman, and I am very proud of all that she has accomplished at such a young age!!

Just keep being the great role model that you are. That's all you can do.

meridianova

spingirl605 wrote: »

All I really want is for her to be happy and one day find love...

all you ever have to concern yourself with is that she finds someone who loves her for HER... someone who is more concerned about the size of her heart than the size of her jeans. if she wants your help, she will come to you. stay out of it.

my mother has spent most of my life harping on me about my weight. when i was in 8th grade, i wanted to join the gymnastics team because i'd always loved and admired the sport. when i told my mom the upcoming schedule, she said "are you doing this to lose weight?" i never went back to any of the practices because all that did was show me my mother had no clue about me or my interests, all she saw was flab.

beckytcy

Well, the responses look unanimous here. There is really nothing you can do to encourage someone to lose weight. I have seen my parents attempt it with my brother on numerous occasions and it never works. People have to decide for themselves that they want to lose weight. And of course she knows that she is eating poorly and leading a sedentary lifestyle. These are her choices, and there's really nothing you can do, sorry.

ninerbuff

Unfortunately, especially as a trainer, it's not a good idea to tell people they need to lose weight unless specifically asked. People know when they are overweight.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition