How I got to 316 pounds, before 22.

1992mittens13

*This is long.. *

First off, I am twenty one, and a month away from turning twenty two.
And I am 316 pounds. Three hundred and sixteen pounds.
Yeah, that's not what I really want to admit to.

I have been overweight, well, for most of my life. Even as a child, I was chunky. I have always been bigger then most kids in my class, until high school.
I don't just mean weight wise, but hitting 5'6 at 12, and my actual bone structure is larger than most girls at that time. I have very broad shoulders, and wide hips. [But I'm not saying thats my excuse].
I never really had friends in school before grade 8. I was a lonely kid, with minimal friends, and endured a lot of bullying and teasing from other kids.
I just really ate, a lot. I did eat good foods, just extreme portion sizes.
I come from split parents, and anytime I visited my dad, so did my half sister (from his side), and well, we got spoiled.. with food. Large shakes, as much junk food as we wanted to eat, you name it.
At my moms, she didn't let me eat like that, but I hid it a lot. I would sneak food, hide wrappers, anything that it took to eat junk food.
I gained friends when I was 13, and had my first boyfriend. I was 5'6, 175 pounds, and a size 9.
Yes, 175 at 13, and a size 9 in pants. Which, now sounds super tiny.. but at 13, the other girls were wearing 00-1 normally.
I lost about 10 pounds, and went down to a 7, which was healthy, and looked healthy, on me.
But then came high school, lost the friends, lost the boyfriend, and piled on the pounds.
The day I hit 200, I cried. and cried. and cried. My best friend now and I were talking about that recently, and she said she remembers the day I called her crying becuase I hit 200 pounds. It seems like a life time ago.
I'm blessed to have her in my life, becuase she hit 200 at 15 as well, but she lost it at 15. She dedicated herself and lost it. I just, well, didn't.
All through my teens I would sneak food, eat huge portions, and when I moved from a house in town, to a house outside of town, I was attending the same school, but was too far away from anyone to hangout with outside of school. That summer when I moved, I think I put on almost 40 pounds in 2 months. From eating junk, drinking pop and playing videogames everyday, all day.
I remember everytime I would gain another 20 pounds I would be mortified.
I would just cry and hate myself.
And eat some more. Same with the day I needed size 18 pants, but that still was not enough to snap me into reality. Either was not being able to shop in any normal store anymore. The horrid cycle continued and continued.
Last year at college, I hit 275, and size 24. I really had a full hatred for myself, and I think I just didn't care anymore.
But now, I am 316, and if I don't stop this soon, I will probably die in the next 20 years.
I am 21 (almost 22), 316 pounds, size 24/26. I hate myself more than I could have imagined was possible to hate one'self. I have 1 real friend, and a lot of people still making fun of me.
I transferred to online schooling to complete college (with 2 failed programs behind me already in-class), and I said I did it becuase I wanted a program change, becuase I wanted to move back to my home area... but in reality, it's becuase I hate facing people. I hate hearing the names, the mimicking, and such. I had guys post sticky notes with "Shamu" all over my chair one day, I heard girls saying how they would kill themselves if they were ever fat behind me in line, I get stares in restaurants, or in fast food places.. in reality, I am obese, and fat, but it's not something many people arent. But it's HELL to live like this.
I have $24,000 of OSAP loans to repay, becuase I couldn't handle facing people anymore.
I rarely leave my house, becuase I hate people.
I hate shopping. [ Don't even get me started on the fact that Wal Mart now charges more money for the same item in plus size.. so it's even more expensive to be fat]..
I am really in a weird spot. I hate myself, and binge, and binge and binge. I never feel hungry, haven't for years.. but I eat becuase:
-I'm bored
-I'm happy, angry, sad, mad...
-I'm lonely
- becuase I can
- I think I should be at certain times..
I don't love myself enough to put in work, but I don't know if I can keep being my size.
I have breathing problems, sleeping problems, joint problems. I can barely walk for 5 minutes without pain and being out of breath.
I just don't love myself, and I don't even know where to begin now.

jennifer_417

Oh, sweetheart, I soooooooo get what you're saying. I'm sorry you've been through so much. I know very what self-hated is all about. Let me give you this:

Don't wait until you feel love for yourself to start showing love for yourself. And one of the best ways to do that is to get the weight off so that you can have a long, healthy, fruitful life. The feelings will follow eventually.

((((Hug))))

harlequin0318

Well you signed up here and that's a great start! If you feel you have the will power to make yourself happy by becoming fit (mentally and physically), then food logging is a step in the right direction.
Also, you are not alone out there! There are plenty of people in similar situations - so find your support circle. It can be here, a community group, and your 1 real friend that you mentioned. Make a plan together! Start small - plan your diet, plan your daily meals, and start logging together.
Keep your protein high, and your carbs low. Always eat breakfast - meals should get smaller throughout the day. The weight will start coming off and you will start feeling better, because you're eating better too
Next step is to plan the exercise - again start small, or else you will lose motivation! You have to crawl before you can walk, and walk before you can run.

Hope I helped a little

1992mittens13

Thanks for the support! ... sadly she is not one to do this with me, shes there as support, but not for workouts or logging or anything of that sort, she doens't find intrest in it.

snowflake930

Your story breaks my heart, and made me tear up. You can do this, believe me, if I can, anyone can. You are young and worth the effort it takes. I am 63 and was @ 290# when I began on MFP 3/12/12. My knees were so bad, that it was an effort to just walk. Going up a flight of stairs would leave me winded. I did not begin to even walk more until I had lost 90#. I was a 24W, now I am 130 and size 10, sometimes an 8. My best advice to you is to seek your doctors advice. Weigh, measure and log everything you eat and drink. Stay at, or slightly below your calorie allowance each day, and try to be active. Just move more.
Best of luck to you sweetie! You can do this and MFP'ers will give you all the support you can take!

reginastiffler

Not being able to love yourself is very difficult. There's a constant mantra inside your head telling you you're not good enough, you're a piece of crap, you're just a fat blob that will never get anywhere and noone will ever love you. Trust me, you're not alone in that. I've heard all the names... I've had people yell fat comments out their window at me while I was walking with my family on vacation. I've had people make fat comments when I'm out exercising to lose weight.

It sounds like you are ambivalent about whether you want to lose weight or not. Maybe you could try making a pros/cons list about your thoughts for losing weight. Maybe just start tracking your food, not even sticking to a calorie mark. And get yourself a journal! Before you go on a binge, pull out your journal and write about what is making you happy, sad, angry, whatever. Then decide whether you really want to go eat or not.

reginastiffler

One more thing, if you decide you want to take the journey to lose weight, you need to build a support system. Even a small one or an online one (99% of my support system is online). Even after you start making progress, people still give you the same looks... They don't know that you've already lost 50 or 100 lbs.

timberowl

I'm so sorry to hear you say these things about yourself. I really hope you'll accept my friend request.

I grew up really fast too, and was also very chubby as a child. I'm 5'8, and stopped growing (vertically) at the age of 10. So you can imagine. In third grade I was taller than the teacher. We did an experiment for class where we all weighed ourselves so we could see what we'd weigh on the moon. I was 110 lbs, while all the other kids were between 40-70 lbs. Everyone in class commented and gasped and mentioned it all the time.

From first grade until I started middle school, I hung out by myself on the playground daydreaming while the other kids played. At least a few times a year, kids would dare each other to run up to me and ask "what grade are you supposed to be in?" because everyone assumed I'd been held back a few years.

I spent the majority of college alone in my dorm room playing ont he computer. I was also very self conscious about my weight. I was in the 170's all through college. I graduated with a 2.2 GPA and $65k in student loans--I had taken out extra loans so I could move off-campus and get an apartment and, as you say, be away from people. I hated being around people. I went to a small private school where 87% of students were in fraternity or sororities. I was one of extremely few that didn't have a petite size and bleach blonde hair.

I also fall squarely into the "large" frame size under every single criteria. I'll never be "petite". No matter how much I lose. And that's hard for me to accept. But life isn't fair, and there are much worse problems to have.

I've never hit 200. The highest I've ever been was 182. I cried a lot over that too. I was well on my way to 200, but as soon as I graduated college I joined the Army to pay off my student loans. I had to lose weight in order to get in, and even more weight to stay in.

Once I got out in 2011, I started packing on pounds again, then realized I needed the extra motivation, so I joined the Reserves, which forced me to weigh in once a month and be under 166. Then I got out in July. And now I'm back up to almost 170 again. SIGH.

I hope we can help each other.

Patttience

Hi. You are brave to tell your story so openly. I think its time you addressed the matter but i think you do need help. If i were you, i would find a supportive councillor because you also have emotional issues to deal with as well and emotions and overeating tend to go hand in hand for a great many of us.

You can get into a happy place, lose weight and then when something goes wrong, you get stress, life changes direction suddenly, or not so suddenly, all of a sudden you resort to your old eating habits.

I've been dealing with depression for years and i have a fair bit of experience with councillors. I've been using my psychologist for extra support this year and so i run along for one session and then i'm good to go again. You would be benefit from regular sessions i think. It will make you stronger, give you tools and help keep you motivated.

Its not that you would talk about eating all the time. You would talk about whatever you need to talk about, whatever is bothering you. The support you receive from a good councillor or psychologist will be great. Of course i'm assuming you've got some form of health insurance to be able to access it.

The thing is if you don't start get on top of this problem now, it is likely to get worse. Most women and men put on weight as they get older.

The other thing is most people who lose weight, regain it. Lose it and regain it. lose it and regain it. Whatever approach you decide to take, if you want to avoid that pattern, you will should be aware of this tendency. Certainly its so often emotional stuff that sets people back to square one.

One of the big things is getting motivated and staying motivated. Getting off a to a good strong start seems to give people motivation. I know it does me. So set yourself some sort of program or rules to live by that are reasonable and achievable and stick with them.

I believe that weightloss is more likely to be successful if you find it easy and rewarding. So design a program that you find quite easy and rewarding. Rewarding as in feeling better each day as you see the scale shifting. Not rewarding as in Oh i've been so good lately i have can have a big piece of chocolate cake.

Here's some things i started out with at the beginning of the year that have worked for me.

1. Stay away from added sugar. Fruit fresh and stewed fruit is fine
2. Don't worry about exercise. Plenty of time for that later and weightloss is 80% diet anyway. Just move about more if you can.
3. Eat lots of fresh vegetables. There are plenty of good recipes out there to make them interesting and delicious.
4. Don't go low fat. It undermines the enjoyment of your food. And anyway fat is satiating.
5. Try to eat mostly whole foods and minimise your consumption of processed foods.
6. Deal with emotional stuff quickly by seeking supportive help.
7. Commitment. There's a lot of mental stuff that goes on in weightloss. Become aware of yours. cut out the negative talk and brainwash yourself into anything positive and strengthening. But avoid lying to yourself.
8. Keep a detailed food log. You don't have to count calories. You do have to monitor what you eat.
9. Don't graze or snack. Eat properly prepared healthy meals. And pace them so that you avoid getting hungry.
10. Weigh regularly or use a tape measure if you prefer.
11. While there is some change in thinking in around very low calorie diets which says that its ok for people to do these diets for a short periods - no longer than 3 months, for the long term, its easier and more sustainable to take it a bit more slowly. I did not cut my calories severely. That was how i avoided hunger but i still lost fast enough. You can easily afford to lose 2 pounds a week. The calorie counter on this site seems to cause many people confusion. Look for one that does TDEE and then take about 500 calories off or go for eating about 2000 calories a day if you are going to count. But for losing weight over the long haul, you can't rush it. So you better make sure you enjoy the journey. Discover a way of eating that you feel you can do for the rest of your life. It will probably take some time to work out but its an evolving thing. However, its good to start off eating foods that you think you will want to eat in the long term. Ie do you want to protein shakes for the rest of your life. No? Then don't start. They are expensive anyway. And sweet which doesn't help.

Some new things i've picked up along the way this year that have helped.
1. Keep your protein intake up. I'm not into the whole shake thing. I think they are mostly sweet so that's not helpful in my book. Also don't go for all the fancy preservative laden type meats. Look for lean meats. Eat fish. And just eat less of all of it - i.e. you don't need to start eating chicken every day. I almost never eat chicken because i don't like the way they are raised.
2. reduce carbs like bread and pasta and rice but keep your lentils and chickpeas and beans high as these latter foods have higher protein content, higher fibre, help lower cholesterol, are filling and have low GI. They require some effort in the kitchen but its well worth it.
3. Eat a wide variety of healthy nutritious foods all the time. Some people get into a thing of eating the same meals all the time. That's a great way to get bored with your food and will lead you astray.
4. Boredom is bad for weightloss. Find new interests. Going to bed at a reasonable helps too with eating in the evenings when people often get a bit bored.
5. Reduce your overall carb intake. But if you try low carb you might find it a bit hard if you were to take the Atkins approach. On the other hand, paleo looks like more fun and i know a guy who was doing well on paleo but included dairy as well.
6. Try the 5:2 fasting diet at some point. And learn what its like to eat hardly anything. A lot of people who try this diet love it. I did it for two months. check out the fast diet website for more details.
7. Be aware of how much fibre you are eating or not and increase it. Its so curative. there's a great show on youtube called catalyst - gut reaction. Watch it to get the picture and then read up the wikipedia entry called gut flora for more nuance and detail.
8. I did low carb for about 6 weeks this year. What i liked about it was what i learned about about fat and it helped me increase the variety of my foods.
9. Read books on losing weight. Read from a variety of ideas rather than a lot of bgooks about the same angle and while none of them may have all the keys to your situation, they will probably all have something that will be useful to you. Try to keep an open mind.
10. I've written a thread about binging in the food and nutrition forum. Have a read. Its called How do you control your sweet tooth or something like that. Carbs, especially sweets, and your emotions are the key aspects of binging habits. And yes it does often become a habit but you can break that habit. I've hardly binged all year.

I wish you all the best. Sorry for overloading you with info. Please copy paste for another time because you may not be able to take it all on board now.

shballa

I was you 20 years ago. I can feel everything you are saying. But I look back and realize that I did not have the knowledge that I have now thanks to MFP and the posts on this site. Every once in a while through the years I would say to myself, "I'll lose weight by the time I'm 25, ...30, ...35. I would eat less for a little while and lose a couple pounds just to put a lot more back on. My highest weight was 382 about 2 years ago. Then at work, we were told that to get an insurance discount, we would have to join a program where you get a physical and get health goals. I was mortified that I would have to get a checkup where the doctor would definitely comment on my weight. I but did it. One of my health goals was to walk 10,000 steps a day. Logging food was optional, but I did it. I was horrified when I saw that I was eating 3000-4000 calories a day. So I started cutting back on portion sizes. Then I found this site for logging food, which is so much better (better food database and the community component), and this so easy. I realize that I was so overweight because I just didn't know how to lose weight. I've been at this 2 years. It took about a year of weight loss (50 pounds) before anyone noticed. I'm still very overweight, but at least I'm heading in the right direction. Read through the success stories on this site and you can see lots of people just like yourself who struggled for years, but finally committed themselves and it paid off. My advice would be to just start logging what you eat. You will see what foods are putting your way over your goal, and you can cut back on them. You can see what foods help you meet your macros, and increase those. I'm a very analytical person, so the fact that you have goal numbers laid out in front of you on MFP helps a lot.