What I hate about being fat

candistyx

I hate that people can look at me and automatically think that I am lazy and undisciplined.
I hate that they are right, that I can't hide my vices.
I hate the lethargy.
I hate wanting food when I've eaten enough.
I hate not being able to skip meals when it's convenient without stuffing my face from hunger later in the day.
I hate when people see me eating bad food, they must be thinking "figures".
I hate standing in line at the grocery store, looking at other peoples baskets, seeing loads of vegetables and then thinking "what would they think of my basket" when I buy chocolate or diet pop.
I hate that it doesn't matter what clothes I wear, I look fat in them all.
I hate that there is no point trying to look pretty because I can't.
I hate that the lack of pointless effort into my appearance only looks to others as more confirmation that I am a fat lazy slob.
I hate that my house isn't clean enough because I lack the energy.
I hate that I don't have a job and depend on my partner because I fit the stereotype of the fat dependent partner.
I hate that employers are less likely to hire me because I am fat.
I hate that the weight on my feet has damaged them and made exercise painful.
I hate that it will take me years more to lose all the rest of my weight, and it's already been half a year.
I hate that if I make it, get to a normal weight, I will have to keep counting calories for the rest of my life, but not get to see the numbers keep going down.
I hate that I thought I was fat when I was a teenager and wasted my youth feeling like I looked disgusting and assuming it didn't matter what I ate because I was already fat when I would kill to be that size again.
I hate knowing I will not ever be normal in my 20s.
I hate knowing I will be a fat bride because I will get married before 2 years are up.
I hate that I can't hide my vices even from myself, that I can't claim to be strong or intelligent or wise because if I was any of those things I wouldn't have let myself get this way.
I hate and am terrified that once I am normal I might forget, delude myself and let my guard down.

Liftng4Lis

You need a healthy shot of self esteem, as being this negative is not good for you.

candistyx

Liftng4Lis wrote: »

You need a healthy shot of self esteem, as being this negative is not good for you.

I'd rather have self-compassion than self-esteem. Especially when I've not really done anything worthy of esteem in my life (but I have time I think, I am not giving up).

tjsoccermom

I hate that you feel this way about yourself. But you can change, I promise. You're young, you have plenty of time. And some of these things that you hate about yourself, only YOU can change. Don't buy chocolate and diet soda then. Buy veggies. There are lots of overweight successful people, don't allow yourself to use your weight as an excuse as to why you can't work, can't keep a clean house, etc. And work hard to lose it. You CAN do it!

shartran

Maybe this is your 'bottom'. I know with myself, there were certainly times when I've had to make huge life choices. When I ended up in my 'rock bottom' - smoking, drinking too much, eating 'crap'...I just couldn't handle living that way anymore and I initiate change.

candistyx

tjsoccermom wrote: »

Don't buy chocolate and diet soda then. Buy veggies.

I honestly don't see what is wrong with chocolate or diet soda in moderation as part of a broadly balanced diet. It just makes me ashamed because I think other people will think "typical fatty eating crap". If I was thin I'd not feel bad about buying those things.

I've lost 35lbs in the last 6 months and it seems soooo slow, but I initially wanted to lose slowly because I thought it would minimise excess skin etc. But when I think I have 103lbs left to go, it's just depressing. I am going to be fat for years and I just have to keep plugging away while all my sins are visible on my body.

I could go to confession and be clean in the eyes of the Lord, but in the eyes of the world my body will still scream lazy glutton for a while yet whatever I do. I know it's fair, I know I made my bed. But I don't think that means I can't complain about the bed I made now it's done.

xcalygrl

Set small goals to work towards instead of looking at the long road ahead. Don't look at the 103 pounds you have left to lose, set 10-20 pound increments. For instance, let's say you weigh 220 pounds now. Set your next goal to get to 199.8. That's only about 20 pounds, but getting under 200 would be a huge accomplishment. (I just used random numbers that I used for myself years ago. You can adjust them for yourself as needed.) When you reach that small goal, set a new one.

anovak1009

35lbs is a great success! Keep at it and you will eventually get to your goal. As hard as it is, try try try to not care what anyone else thinks about you. What you feel about yourself is all that matters, so try and focus on the success you have had and not how slow it's going. Slow or fast...it's still progress.

cincysweetheart

What are you looking for by posting this?
I hate those things too. But you can change! You have changed! 35 pounds is GREAT! Stop looking at how far you have to go and look at how far you've come!

I agree with setting smaller more immediate goals for yourself. It breaks up that expanse of "I still have 103 pounds to go!" Personally, I still have 113 pounds to go. But my next most immediate goal is to lose those 13 pounds. That will be my halfway mark. And I believe I can hit that before the year is out.

And please stop with the negativity! You are beautiful and worthy of love, respect, AND self-esteem. Start another thread (even if you just write it on a piece of paper for yourself) saying what you love about yourself. Or if you can't bring yourself to do that yet… write what you look forward to as you lose weight. But please focus on something positive! It can only help.

NoelFigart1

I think in general, it's a good idea not to talk to yourself in a way you'd scold your kid for talking to a sibling.

bb4886

I downloaded an app called happy scale - i told it what i want to weigh and it gives me milestones to reach so instead of thinking ive got 40lb to go i have 10, once i reach that i have another 10 - its great

50sFit

candistyx wrote: »

I hate that people can look at me and automatically think that I am lazy and undisciplined.
I hate that they are right, that I can't hide my vices.
I hate the lethargy.
I hate wanting food when I've eaten enough.
I hate not being able to skip meals when it's convenient without stuffing my face from hunger later in the day.
I hate when people see me eating bad food, they must be thinking "figures".
I hate standing in line at the grocery store, looking at other peoples baskets, seeing loads of vegetables and then thinking "what would they think of my basket" when I buy chocolate or diet pop.
I hate that it doesn't matter what clothes I wear, I look fat in them all.
I hate that there is no point trying to look pretty because I can't.
I hate that the lack of pointless effort into my appearance only looks to others as more confirmation that I am a fat lazy slob.
I hate that my house isn't clean enough because I lack the energy.
I hate that I don't have a job and depend on my partner because I fit the stereotype of the fat dependent partner.
I hate that employers are less likely to hire me because I am fat.
I hate that the weight on my feet has damaged them and made exercise painful.
I hate that it will take me years more to lose all the rest of my weight, and it's already been half a year.
I hate that if I make it, get to a normal weight, I will have to keep counting calories for the rest of my life, but not get to see the numbers keep going down.
I hate that I thought I was fat when I was a teenager and wasted my youth feeling like I looked disgusting and assuming it didn't matter what I ate because I was already fat when I would kill to be that size again.
I hate knowing I will not ever be normal in my 20s.
I hate knowing I will be a fat bride because I will get married before 2 years are up.
I hate that I can't hide my vices even from myself, that I can't claim to be strong or intelligent or wise because if I was any of those things I wouldn't have let myself get this way.
I hate and am terrified that once I am normal I might forget, delude myself and let my guard down.

^^^^^^^^
NOT THIS
I mean, you're right, and I hated looking bad, feeling horrible and ruining my health, but you can't focus on negative affirmations to stay motivated.
Try writing out what you'll love about being healthy and fit, and what's great about the journey.
Just a suggestion

candistyx

cincysweetheart wrote: »

What are you looking for by posting this?

To express how I feel. See if others feel the same.

NoelFigart1

I don't hate myself and don't feel like I'm a lazy slob. I'm fat and I don't want to be, so I'm doing something about it, but I refuse to get on some heavy moral breastbeating trip about it. It's an engineering problem based on consumption and damn'fI'll treat it like society wants me to.

Society wants me to be a scared consumer who desperately needs to know my place (especially as a middle-aged woman who is no longer an appropriate object for consumption herself). Copulate that! I'm smart, I can achieve goals even if I haven't achieved everything I want to. (And why should I have? I'm only 45 and have many years to live yet)

I refuse to let my personhood tied up into my pants size. If I don't like something, I fix it, but that's as far as I am prepared to go. Otherwise, I'd be close to a suicide case, and I don't want to go there. It doesn't sound like much fun.

lawkat

Is there anything about yourself that you don't hate? Are you engaged? Clearly there is something pretty great about you to find a person who wants to spend the rest of their life with you. Do you have a great sense of humor? Do you have any special skills that distinguish you from others?

Focus on the positive. If you focus on the negative, it will be all that much easier to give up because your negatives are so big. What I mean is that you look at your weight and think, it will take forever. As others have said, set small goals to achieve instead of the larger picture. Smaller goals can be easier to attain and you will be less likely to give up.

What do you mean by normal? Do you mean skinny? There is no such thing as being normal. TV, movies, media and other means of communication show people as how they would like to be, not as how most people are. I don't know what normal is and I don't think my friends do either. Be who you are and don't try to fit some mold that society thinks you should be.

As for you thinking people are always looking at you. Trust me, I doubt that. I know you will say that you see them looking but you know what, they are probably looking and thinking of something else. If they are looking at you, smile at them. Show that you are a warm person. Don't think that they are thinking bad of you. When you think like that, you are really only hurting yourself.

jkal1979

I would rather focus on the positive. I challenge you to do the same and post five things that you love about yourself.

I tend to be hard on myself enough as it is. Whenever I get into one of my self-loathing moods I eventually catch it and remind myself what I love about me and what makes me awesome.

TheSatinPumpkin

Congrats on your progress so far.

EmeraldRain

Aw hon, I feel the same way. Try to focus more on the things that you can change, and not worry so much about the the things you can't, and a lot of those things you can change, its possible. At least that's how I try to look at it. Try to turn all those negatives into a positive, as much as you can. No one deserves to be that down.

candistyx

lawkat wrote: »

Is there anything about yourself that you don't hate?

Yeah, lots of things.

Are you engaged? Clearly there is something pretty great about you to find a person who wants to spend the rest of their life with you.

He would probably say so.

Do you have a great sense of humor? Do you have any special skills that distinguish you from others?

I have a mean sense of humour, I enjoy it as do others but it isn't exactly "good". As for special skills. Not really, but I have interests that are rare and I feel that things that interest me are worth preserving and being involved in that is worthwhile.

I don't think I am totally pointless or anything, obviously there is much I can do on this earth that is worth sticking around for (although sometimes I worry in balance it's not when I think about global energy consumption and my contribution to habitat destruction and global warming).

Focus on the positive. If you focus on the negative, it will be all that much easier to give up because your negatives are so big. What I mean is that you look at your weight and think, it will take forever. As others have said, set small goals to achieve instead of the larger picture. Smaller goals can be easier to attain and you will be less likely to give up.

Last time I gave up it was because I thought I was ok how I am and then I ended up gaining twice what I lost.

What do you mean by normal?

in this context I mean a normal, healthy, bodyweight, BMI between 18.5 and 24.9.

As for you thinking people are always looking at you. Trust me, I doubt that. I know you will say that you see them looking but you know what, they are probably looking and thinking of something else. If they are looking at you, smile at them. Show that you are a warm person. Don't think that they are thinking bad of you. When you think like that, you are really only hurting yourself.

Yeah I generally don't think everyone is staring at me, but when I think of what they could be thinking it reminds me of my own weaknesses. Even if they're not thinking it, now *I* am.

lawkat

It sounds like you suffer from depression. Have you sought out counseling and/or medication to help? You have to let go of the pity party going on in your head. What I found that helps is that every time I have a negative thought or the pity party starts, to stop it right then and there. I tell myself that that isn't true because it isn't true. I also don't ruminate over things. The more I allow my mind to wander into the pity party mode, the easier it is to slide further into my depression.

I take medication, workout and made a mindful effort to push those negative thoughts out of my head. It has taken me years but I am a much happier and healthier person.

You can achieve anything you want to. Feel good about the weight you have lost. Feel good that you have someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with you. Feel good that you are alive and that you can take control of your life and make the necessary changes.

One last thing, when you lose all of the weight, things won't suddenly be all rainbows and unicorns. You will still be the same person, but in a thinner body. You have to work on your inside as much as you work on your outside.

Best of luck and focus on the positive!

cstevenson86

I agree with everyone. Especially with the point, don't look to far ahead and set small goals. I have 94 pounds left to go. You have to realize you didn't put the weight on overnight, so it will not come off overnight. I know it is hard to accept. I looked in the mirror this morning and sighed. How did I get this big? How did I let this happen? BUT, you have to let go and move on. You're at where you're at. No sense in beating yourself up about it. Definitely don't give a s*** what others think about you either! NO ONE is perfect. You can do this. Trust me. Good luck on your journey sweetie!