Extreme "Diet" failed and back to original weight--what do I do?

doctorana

Okay, so I'm officially back to 41 kg (since I'm 149cm, that is pretty heavy), the trigger weight which led to my diet--the diet which led to Anorexia, and which eventually led to a Binge Eating Disorder.

I lost 15 kg, and then I gained it all back by binging on at least 3000 kcal a day. And the thing is, I am STILL gaining. I cannot stop binging, and even when I eat 1200 kcal a day I continue to gain weight. Because I ruined my metabolism through starving myself for a year.

I seriously think that I have ruined my life. My whole life revolves around trying to lose weight and get back down to 34 kg. I run 10 km a day, but I just continue to gain weight and now my calf muscles are absolutely MASSIVE (so massive that everyone notices and comments on it--basically I have elephant legs). After I run, I get super hungry, and then I BINGE on loads and loads of sugar and fattening food. I cannot switch off the calorie calculator in my head, I cannot eat normally because I am always hungry even after binging. I can't study because all I think of is food and how fat I am. I don't dare to see my family and friends, especially during mealtimes, because I am embarrassed by the huge amount that I eat and how I look like a gluttonous pig when I sit down at the dinner table while my skinny parents and sister nibble on their food like birds. I can't sleep at night because I think of food and can only go to sleep by binging, and then during the day time I sleep all the time and cannot do a thing.

I don't think I am living a life like a proper human being. I don't think I am functioning at all.

Tomorrow is my birthday, but I don't want to go out because I just want to stay home and binge. I can't fit into any of my old clothes anyway.

I NEED HELP to lose weight, back to my original weight of 37 kg before I got the ED. I come from a really skinny Asian family (my mom and sister are both 37 kg and taller than me), and at that time I was eating normally and not obsessed with food or counting calories. But I was still naturally 37 kg.

I don't want to go back to Anorexia, but I just need to get back to my original weight before the ED to feel better and look better. No one understands how important it is to NOT be 41 kg. When I was skinny, my parents were like "just eat goddammit", and now when I'm fat they are like "just stop eating so much goddammit". If only it were that simple.

pensierobello

Dude. 41kg is like 6 and a half stone, 90 pounds. Even at 4'10 that is way too light, the very lowest end of what BMI says is healthy, tipping into underweight. You need to see a therapist. Stat. Do it.

IHateThinkingOfAUsername

Your healthy range for 149cm is 41.1kg-55.7kg*.
See your doctor.

* as provided by the NHS BMI calculator.

bbg_daryl

By American measurements (I had to convert to understand lol), you're about 4'9" and 90 pounds. Even at your height, you shouldn't weigh less than 100 lbs (45kg). You need to seek an ongoing, permanent form of therapy because your ED is still present along with a case of body dysmorphia.

Liftng4Lis

You need professional help, not the internet.

LiftAndBalance

Have you seen a professional for your anorexia? If so, maybe you should go talk to that person. If not, please start seeing one.
You're definitely not fat. You might be skinny fat in which case eating at or a bit above maintenance and lifting heavy weights should help. But you certainly don't need to lose weight—you need to get your disordered relationship with food and body dysmorphia sorted out. And helping you with that goes far beyond what an online community like the one here would be capable of.
I don't mean to sound harsh and this is probably not what you want to hear but please seek counselling.

malibu927

You need to speak with the person who handled your anorexia. Binge eating is also an eating disorder, and if you're still underweight after gaining then something is going on with you.

TavistockToad

pensierobello wrote: »

Dude. 41kg is like 6 and a half stone, 90 pounds. Even at 4'10 that is way too light, the very lowest end of what BMI says is healthy, tipping into underweight. You need to see a therapist. Stat. Do it.

Yep, this.

zerstreutesMaedchen

If you just eat sensibly and workout, your weight doesn't matter. Nobody here is going to assist you in this.

zyxst

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

Kalikel

See the doctor, discuss healthy weight and get a referral to a therapist who specializes in EDs.

PrizePopple

zyxst wrote: »

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

This.

Liftng4Lis wrote: »

You need professional help, not the internet.

And this.

melnorwich

loosing weight is not your life's purpose!

999tigger

misskittyninja wrote: »

You clearly need mental help. Sound tough but from what i've read you really NEED to talk to someone who specialises in eating disorders. Once you've seen a professional, start lifting. You need to tone, not become extremly boney, skinnyfat and dieing.

+1 for above.

If you found out what lifting would do for your body then you could be super toned, but weigh more and most importnatly be much healthier. Losing weight isnt the only answer.

+100000
For all the people and thats everyone telling you to go and see your Dr and get some help.
Your relationship with food, body image and lack of understanding on diet and exercise all need realigning.

StacyPhillipsTSFLcoach

So you weighed about 60 pounds? And you weigh about 90 pounds now? You are a healthy weight NOW. With regards to your focus and your binge eating, I wish that I could convince you that life is more than what you weigh and what you eat. I do think you need professional help with your Clinical Eating Disorder, and none of us here is qualified to help you with that.

SLLRunner

Liftng4Lis wrote: »

You need professional help, not the internet.

This.

ithrowconfetti

I feel a personal obligation to comment on this, because I recently had many people on MFP insinuating that I have body dysmorphia/an ED after I contributed to a discussion. While this is far from the truth and I'm exhausted from not managing to convince people otherwise, many of them claimed to speak out, because they felt concerned for me, and I appreciated it, because I felt that if I did have an ED, I'd be grateful for people reaching out to me. I'm 160cm, and 39kg. This is far from my current goal weight. I used to be 67kg. My aim was to go down to around 50kg, and maintain a healthy BMI, to minimise the risk of future health complications in the future. Along the way, I didn't take note of how much weight I had lost over 2 years of having a calorie deficit, because I felt I was eating enough, since I was not hungry often. Six months ago, I got braces, and as I turned to soft foods, I lost even more weight. I joined MFP a month ago, because I finally decided to track my calories, and realised I was eating around 700-800 calories a day. I was shocked, because I went for a medical review 2 months back, and all my tests came back fine. However, I personally am not comfortable with my low BMI, so I am gradually starting to increase my calorie intake so that I can gain weight gradually, and healthily, while fuelling my body with nutritious food, i.e. not just eat a ton of candy every day and hope for the best. I'm Asian too, and I know how there's usually a stigma for our girls to be "petite", because it's equated to being ladylike. I am proud that I managed to lose weight after being severely overweight, but having gone down to such a low weight, I decided to take control of my life and to start logging in calories to aid me in working my way up again, because I understand the importance of food and proper nutrition. I understand BMI is not the most accurate tool for assessing health, but it's a relatively good gauge. At your height and current weight, you most certainly are (finally) at a healthy weight, give or take certain factors like frame size. Please take the time to think about why you so desperately "need" to lose so much weight, when it will actually increase the risk of health issues you may face in the future. What is this "need" and how will it benefit you now, and in the long run? And "massive thighs"? What are you comparing them to? I made the mistake of posting my before and after pictures on a "Success" discussion on MFP to show I had lost weight, but everyone jumped at the opportunity to tell me how gaunt I looked instead, because of current low weight, which I did not even actively work towards. I'm stating this, because you come across as someone who "needs" to lose weight, because you think it will make you more aesthetically appealing. I highly doubt you'll achieve that by losing more weight. And why did you pick 37kg? I guarantee you that it'll be a slippery slope. You're probably thinking, "Yeah. Just 4kg. Not too bad of a weight loss." What's likely going to happen when you reach 37kg? You'll probably say, "Why not go back to my original weight of 34kg instead? Just 3kg more." The limits of how low you can go will never end. Please end this vicious cycle. It's good to be aware that you've got a history of an ED. You've typed out a plea for help. We've listened, and now we're helping you, by nudging you in the direction of talking to a professional for your situation.

"No one understands how important it is to NOT be 41 kg". Well said, because we all know it is important that you weigh more than that.

elphie754

You lost 15kg and were 26kg (or 57 lbs) at one point? No offense but I find that extremely hard to believe.

Your current goal weight would be a bmi of 16. That is under the 17.5 used to diagnose clinical anorexia.

With "Ana" in your name, this post is even more disturbing. It is quite clear that you are not in recovery from your eating disorder. You need help. The only this you have to look forward to if you try to get to that weight is a coffin. You are literally killing yourself from starvation. I know that sounds really harsh, but it needs to be said.

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healthygreek

Ask yourself, "what am I starving for besides food?"
You are not thinking clearly at all!
Please seek professional help immediately!!!!

Rarely does everyone agree on these boards but everyone agrees here-GET HELP IMMEDIATELY!!!

elphie754

LiveLaughLoveEat1 wrote: »

elphie754 wrote: »

You lost 15kg and were 26kg (or 57 lbs) at one point? No offense but I find that extremely hard to believe.

Your current goal weight would be a bmi of 16. That is under the 17.5 used to diagnose clinical anorexia.

With "Ana" in your name, this post is even more disturbing. It is quite clear that you are not in recovery from your eating disorder. You need help. The only this you have to look forward to if you try to get to that weight is a coffin. You are literally killing yourself from starvation. I know that sounds really harsh, but it needs to be said.

um...did you read where she said she had an ED?

She keeps commenting that she is "recovered" and "does not want to go back to an ED". She believes she is recovered when she clearly isn't. (And this is not her first post claiming she is "recovered").

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doctorana

By replying, I will probably be inviting more hate. But I feel that I have to clarify certain things.

Thanks for all the comments, I know I sound crazy and whiny but that doesnt warrant all the hate. I saw most of the comments on my birthday, which was the day after I posted (I posted partly because I was very worried I would binge on my birthday, and I did). Sometimes the ED thoughts are really strong and I become really illogical to normal people who have never suffered from a serious mental disorder, but it would be better if you tried to empathize or at least use less strong language.

But you guys really helped me in the end. I kinda got put off by all the comments so I didnt dare to log onto mfp for several days. I didnt log my calories and didnt exercise at all, and I have to eat whatever my parents give me. Im not sure how much weight I have gained, but I dont think I will be ever logging calories on mfp again because it is too triggering.

And to all those people who said that I hadnt recovered despite having consistently gained 15 kg in the past 5 months, I have to tell you that I have a very very strong reason for recovering. I went from eating 30 kcal a day to 3000 kcal on my own because I wanted to get into medical school. I gained 10 kg in 2 months because I didnt want to "waste" the 8 Distinctions/'A's that I achieved in the Cambridge A Levels. At least that was what I was telling myself at the time as I stuffed my face with food and turned myself into the "fat and greedy pig" that my ED abhorred. I had binged and gained weight and then relapsed before, but with medical school interviews so close I suddenly decided that I needed to get healthy or I wouldnt be able to achieve my dream. Now that I am training to be a doctor, I will never allow my weight to fall below the weight that I was before my ED (which was 37 kg--I was healthy and ate normally but was petite at 4 ft 11) because my psychiatrist will report me and I will probably be kicked out of medical school. But I would certainly feel more comfortable with myself at 37 kg instead of 41 kg, because I still have body dysmorphia.

In answer to many of the suggestions on getting "professional help", yes I have a psychiatrist, psychologist and dietician. But as mentioned in a previous post, my psychiatrist told me that I should "go easy on the weight gain" (quoted verbatim) when my bmi was just 16.5 or 36.6kg two months ago. Since then I have gained at least 4 kg. My psychiatrist said that partly to appease my mom, who is horrified by my weight gain and keeps telling me that I should "just stay at 37kg". My mom is 37 kg and taller than me, and she has been telling me that I am fat and "flabby" all my life. "Flabby", "greedy" and "selfish" are her favourite words to describe me. Meanwhile my dad just wants me to eat as much as I want and not care about my weight, but I dont know who I should listen to now that I am at a normal weight and still gaining weight.