1600 Calorie diet!? Seriously?

Chaotic_Weevil
Chaotic_Weevil Posts: 199 Member
edited November 8 in Chit-Chat
Guys, I'm pretty new here but it's obvious that I know way more than anyone else here so it's time to bust out some mad advice yo.

I've noticed a really disturbing trend of MFPers eating a varying amount of calories. Most seem to be anywhere between 1500 and 2500 cals. Why are you doing this to yourselves?

It's a well documented fact that you have to eat exactly 1641.35 calories everyday. Regardless of gender, height, weight, activity level or personal preference. If you eat any other amount you will immediately enter starvation mode and die.


While I have your rapt attention and obviously your unerring faith in everything I have to say, I'll let you in on a few other hard and fast rules that you absolutely must not disobey, or else you will be subjected to a Vorgon poetry reading and also die.

1. Drink a lemon every morning. It takes some getting used to and passing it is generally uncomfortable but if you don't your metabolism will forget to work
2. Only eat lean protein and vegetables. Do not ever eat any other food group.
3. In fact, don't even look at other food groups.
4. If you look at a cheese, you will die.
5. Don't eat any fat or oil. Oil is for cars. You're not a car are you?
6. Please ignore the above rule if you are in fact, a car and/or robot
7. Except for you, Megatron. You d*ck.


Don't try to debate this or anything. I obviously know better than all of you.
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Replies

  • Chaotic_Weevil
    Chaotic_Weevil Posts: 199 Member
    Tinabob777 wrote: »
    hahahahaha! Nicely done

    Why are you laughing? You must be delirious from starvation. Go eat 25% more calories right now.
  • LoneWolf_70
    LoneWolf_70 Posts: 1,151 Member
    im 6'5, 228 and have lost 113lbs and i have mostly lived on a 1600 cal diet + burning 1000 a day with weights and cardio. I know your post is just joking, but it actually can be done.
  • PinUp2014
    PinUp2014 Posts: 79 Member
    *snort*
    Thank you for the giggle :)
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  • MarziPanda95
    MarziPanda95 Posts: 1,326 Member
    edited November 2014
    This is true sadly, I looked at a cheese today and died :ccc r.i.p me
  • trinatrina1984
    trinatrina1984 Posts: 1,018 Member
    Guys, I'm pretty new here but it's obvious that I know way more than anyone else here so it's time to bust out some mad advice yo.

    I've noticed a really disturbing trend of MFPers eating a varying amount of calories. Most seem to be anywhere between 1500 and 2500 cals. Why are you doing this to yourselves?

    It's a well documented fact that you have to eat exactly 1641.35 calories everyday. Regardless of gender, height, weight, activity level or personal preference. If you eat any other amount you will immediately enter starvation mode and die.


    While I have your rapt attention and obviously your unerring faith in everything I have to say, I'll let you in on a few other hard and fast rules that you absolutely must not disobey, or else you will be subjected to a Vorgon poetry reading and also die.

    1. Drink a lemon every morning. It takes some getting used to and passing it is generally uncomfortable but if you don't your metabolism will forget to work
    2. Only eat lean protein and vegetables. Do not ever eat any other food group.
    3. In fact, don't even look at other food groups.
    4. If you look at a cheese, you will die.
    5. Don't eat any fat or oil. Oil is for cars. You're not a car are you?
    6. Please ignore the above rule if you are in fact, a car and/or robot
    7. Except for you, Megatron. You d*ck.


    Don't try to debate this or anything. I obviously know better than all of you.

    Crap I've eaten 1641.78 cals today - I'm off for a liquid detox and colon cleanse.
  • dorkyfaery
    dorkyfaery Posts: 255 Member
    Great advice. Thank you for helping me see the light.
  • Chaotic_Weevil
    Chaotic_Weevil Posts: 199 Member
    Interesting. My first question is, is it Vorgon or Vogon poetry? I could only find Vogon poetry on wikapedia and it is described as the third worst poetry in the universe. My second question is, are we suppose to measure our calories in metric or standard? My third question is, what is the alternative for cheese, because I love cheese? Thanks.

    *mutters* stupid iphone with it's stupid autocorrect ruining my references

    Measure your calories in parsecs. Duh.

    The alternative to cheese is chicken breast and steamed broccoli. You can write "cheese" on it in marker pen if that helps.

  • trinatrina1984
    trinatrina1984 Posts: 1,018 Member
    Interesting. My first question is, is it Vorgon or Vogon poetry? I could only find Vogon poetry on wikapedia and it is described as the third worst poetry in the universe. My second question is, are we suppose to measure our calories in metric or standard? My third question is, what is the alternative for cheese, because I love cheese? Thanks.

    Cauliflower
  • DvrDawg
    DvrDawg Posts: 88 Member
    Ha!! This post is a copy of a 2013 post from a person who was actually serious - I love the sarcasm chaotic weevil - you troublemaker!!
  • Chaotic_Weevil
    Chaotic_Weevil Posts: 199 Member
    chgodvr wrote: »
    Ha!! This post is a copy of a 2013 post from a person who was actually serious - I love the sarcasm chaotic weevil - you troublemaker!!


    That zombie thread obviously went back in time to retroactively copy my brilliant scientifically sound idea. The nerve!
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  • sofaspud
    sofaspud Posts: 3 Member
    I'm sure my ex mother in law used to suck on a lemon each morning........explains why she could never lose weight!
  • Chaotic_Weevil
    Chaotic_Weevil Posts: 199 Member


    Interesting. My first question is, is it Vorgon or Vogon poetry? I could only find Vogon poetry on wikapedia and it is described as the third worst poetry in the universe. My second question is, are we suppose to measure our calories in metric or standard? My third question is, what is the alternative for cheese, because I love cheese? Thanks.

    *mutters* stupid iphone with it's stupid autocorrect ruining my references

    Measure your calories in parsecs. Duh.

    The alternative to cheese is chicken breast and steamed broccoli. You can write "cheese" on it in marker pen if that helps.

    That helps me out tremendously, thanks! Last question, Megatron is kind of an ok dude and a good receiver for the Detroit Lions, why is he a d*ck?

    Megatron knows what he did.

  • PurringMyrrh
    PurringMyrrh Posts: 5,276 Member
    Interesting. My first question is, is it Vorgon or Vogon poetry? I could only find Vogon poetry on wikapedia and it is described as the third worst poetry in the universe. My second question is, are we suppose to measure our calories in metric or standard? My third question is, what is the alternative for cheese, because I love cheese? Thanks.

    *mutters* stupid iphone with it's stupid autocorrect ruining my references

    Measure your calories in parsecs. Duh.

    The alternative to cheese is chicken breast and steamed broccoli. You can write "cheese" on it in marker pen if that helps.
    Can I measure my calories in parsnips?

  • Chaotic_Weevil
    Chaotic_Weevil Posts: 199 Member
    Interesting. My first question is, is it Vorgon or Vogon poetry? I could only find Vogon poetry on wikapedia and it is described as the third worst poetry in the universe. My second question is, are we suppose to measure our calories in metric or standard? My third question is, what is the alternative for cheese, because I love cheese? Thanks.

    *mutters* stupid iphone with it's stupid autocorrect ruining my references

    Measure your calories in parsecs. Duh.

    The alternative to cheese is chicken breast and steamed broccoli. You can write "cheese" on it in marker pen if that helps.
    Can I measure my calories in parsnips?

    Parsnips are technically dairy. That's why they call it "the cheese of the ground"
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  • PurringMyrrh
    PurringMyrrh Posts: 5,276 Member
    And 1641.35 calories seems a bit excessive. I halve that and wear plastic wrap/cling film under my track suit all day.
  • Chaotic_Weevil
    Chaotic_Weevil Posts: 199 Member
    Interesting. My first question is, is it Vorgon or Vogon poetry? I could only find Vogon poetry on wikapedia and it is described as the third worst poetry in the universe. My second question is, are we suppose to measure our calories in metric or standard? My third question is, what is the alternative for cheese, because I love cheese? Thanks.

    *mutters* stupid iphone with it's stupid autocorrect ruining my references

    Measure your calories in parsecs. Duh.

    The alternative to cheese is chicken breast and steamed broccoli. You can write "cheese" on it in marker pen if that helps.
    Can I measure my calories in parsnips?

    You're both wrong. They should be measured in furlongs.

    No, carbs are measured in furlongs. As I suspected this place is full of morons and I am the only educated person here. *sigh*
  • Chaotic_Weevil
    Chaotic_Weevil Posts: 199 Member
    Interesting. My first question is, is it Vorgon or Vogon poetry? I could only find Vogon poetry on wikapedia and it is described as the third worst poetry in the universe. My second question is, are we suppose to measure our calories in metric or standard? My third question is, what is the alternative for cheese, because I love cheese? Thanks.

    *mutters* stupid iphone with it's stupid autocorrect ruining my references

    Measure your calories in parsecs. Duh.

    The alternative to cheese is chicken breast and steamed broccoli. You can write "cheese" on it in marker pen if that helps.
    Can I measure my calories in parsnips?

    You're both wrong. They should be measured in furlongs.

    No, carbs are measured in furlongs. As I suspected this place is full of morons and I am the only educated person here. *sigh*
    And 1641.35 calories seems a bit excessive. I halve that and wear plastic wrap/cling film under my track suit all day.


    Noooo! Plastic wrap has chemicals! Wrap yourself in fish instead.

  • pepperpat64
    pepperpat64 Posts: 423 Member
    What about raspberry ketones?
  • fatcity66
    fatcity66 Posts: 1,544 Member
    <3<3<3
  • Chaotic_Weevil
    Chaotic_Weevil Posts: 199 Member
    What about raspberry ketones?

    Raspberries are actually a meat so they're fine,
  • smwooley
    smwooley Posts: 133 Member
    Best. Posting. Ever.
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  • tincanonastring
    tincanonastring Posts: 3,944 Member
    This may be my favorite post on this entire site. Great advice, OP! It's about time someone dropped some knowledge on these fools!
    You can write "cheese" on it in marker pen if that helps.

    My effing sides!

  • pepperpat64
    pepperpat64 Posts: 423 Member
    edited November 2014
    Interesting. My first question is, is it Vorgon or Vogon poetry? I could only find Vogon poetry on wikapedia and it is described as the third worst poetry in the universe. My second question is, are we suppose to measure our calories in metric or standard? My third question is, what is the alternative for cheese, because I love cheese? Thanks.

    *mutters* stupid iphone with it's stupid autocorrect ruining my references

    Measure your calories in parsecs. Duh.

    The alternative to cheese is chicken breast and steamed broccoli. You can write "cheese" on it in marker pen if that helps.
    Can I measure my calories in parsnips?

    You're both wrong. They should be measured in furlongs.

    Well that's nice of him!

    cb0d46b655b6c1bd28cb52d18ebcb0d1.jpg
  • holly1283
    holly1283 Posts: 741 Member
    Thank you oh intelligent one. I bow to your greatness. Loved it.
  • Laoch_Cailin
    Laoch_Cailin Posts: 414 Member
    What about I drink beer with my carbs, I learned today that beer negates everything?

    Also thanks for this sound advice, saved me going wrong and dying unnecessarily *phew
  • blktngldhrt
    blktngldhrt Posts: 1,053 Member
    This is true sadly, I looked at a cheese today and died :ccc r.i.p me

    I ate cheese and lived.. What does this mean?
This discussion has been closed.