Help for what to do when SO has different goals?

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heatherannh23
heatherannh23 Posts: 71 Member
edited November 2014 in Health and Weight Loss
I wasn't too sure where to post this, I apologize if I went with the wrong category. My fiance isn't really into eating healthy and losing weight. I know he wants to, we have very similar goals. However, I'm starting to try to workout and eat better. He is not. I ask if he would like to take a walk with me all the time but he never wants to. He's in law school so I realize time is an issue for him. I need to either get him to join me or figure out how to eat better when I'm the only one striving to do so and the one cooking for both of us. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

ETA: I'm not pushing him anymore than just asking if he wants to join me occasionally. I'm not nagging him. He has told me he wants to lose weight, I'm not just assuming he does. We're very open with each other. I realize I can just do what I want and not worry about him. Some responses are very helpful and I do thank you. Others, not so much. I also realize I may have miss-worded the title. We have similar goals, he's just not attempting to achieve them right now.

Replies

  • kaspatore
    kaspatore Posts: 95 Member
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    cook what you are going to eat and if he doesn't want it, he can fend for himself. Stop asking for a while if he wants to join you and just GO for a walk, and in a couple of weeks, invite him again.
  • KylaDenay
    KylaDenay Posts: 1,585 Member
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    He wants to, but doesn't sound like he is ready.
  • segacs
    segacs Posts: 4,599 Member
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    I think it's about realizing that external motivation rarely works for anyone.

    Sure, it would be nice to always be on the same page as your SO all the time. But realistically, that's rarely gonna happen. And, imagine how you'd feel if it hadn't really "clicked" for you to that you wanted to embark on a weight loss journey, and yet your SO was bugging you every day? You'd probably just get angry and resentful. He's gotta want it for himself in order to really commit, just as you did. Meanwhile, nothing you say or do will really make that happen.

    This is about YOU. Your investment in a healthier, happier YOU. If he's not interested in joining you, then take charge and do it yourself.

    Relationships are about compromise. Sometimes he wants to watch football and you want to go to the movies with your friends, so you do.

    Same with diet and exercise. Do your thing. He'll do his thing. Hopefully he'll be supportive, and maybe you'll find some common ground on activities you both enjoy. But don't use his habits as an excuse to fail at your goals.

    Good luck!
  • weightlosstrainer
    weightlosstrainer Posts: 21 Member
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    Something I tell my clients is that if you are able to find meals that you both enjoy and are healthy, he will most likely be ok with eating healthier if the foods he is eating is enjoyable. Try new recipes, prepare meals and see what his thoughts and feelings are on that particular meal. You should strive to find 7-10 go-to meals that you both enjoy and will make more often. Than you can have your 1-3 meals that you venture off and have occasionally. As he starts to eat better, he will naturally get more energy, and he will be more inclined to start joining you in physical activities.

    Don't make him change by forcing him. Provide him the opportunities, and explain to him that if you are cooking the meals, they will be healthier...but that you are going to help find meals that you BOTH like, so that way he doesn't feel alienated and you can both feel better without hating it. This is a journey you both will do together, and he can respect your decisions if he doesn't feel like you are forcing him to do it.
  • court_fritch26
    court_fritch26 Posts: 297 Member
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    I cook for my husband and I, and I make sure to cook things he enjoys but healthier…whole grain everything, always baked or grilled meats, always something green on the plate. I am more specific with my portions since I am watching, but he is always happy with the meals…it's like when you trick a kid into eating a vegetable. If they don't now it's a healthy version they will still enjoy it.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    My husband is trying to gain while I'm losing... I do me, he does him.
  • SonicDeathMonkey80
    SonicDeathMonkey80 Posts: 4,489 Member
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    Plenty of fish in the sea
  • xcalygrl
    xcalygrl Posts: 1,897 Member
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    If you're the one doing the cooking, then cook like you want to eat. He can either eat what you serve or find something else.

    As for the walks, until he is ready it isn't going to happen. You should keep doing your thing, and maybe he'll follow suit sometime. He hasn't reached the same point you have: actively trying to change for the better. Until that time comes, enjoy your walks and think of them as "me time" and a time to destress from daily life.
  • Junebugsc
    Junebugsc Posts: 34 Member
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    kaspatore wrote: »
    cook what you are going to eat and if he doesn't want it, he can fend for himself. Stop asking for a while if he wants to join you and just GO for a walk, and in a couple of weeks, invite him again.

    This^^^^
  • Milvardea
    Milvardea Posts: 52
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    My SO is the same way. He's super supportive of me though, so he is willing to try my healthy dinner "experimentations" and go on walks with me. He wants me to be happy, so he has decided to help as much as he can. Are there days I can't get him off of the couch? Absolutely. I go by myself. Are there times he doesn't like my cooking? Yes. I tell him to make his own food if he doesn't want what I make.

    External motivation doesn't really work for anyone. He has to get motivated himself and stay motivated himself. My Boo's motivation is wanting me to be happy. If your man or woman doesn't have that in him, then keep going anyway. You can do this without him. Just keep at it, and maybe if you leave his butt behind and start losing weight, maybe he'll get it in gear and try to catch up.

    If he's supportive, great! If he is actively trying to sabotage your weight loss efforts, leave him. No one needs that kind of negativity. If it really bothers you, then talk to him. Communication is the key. If he doesn't like walks, try to find something else active to do together. Challenge each other to push up or sit up contests. Do jumping jacks. Get a dog and run with the dog. Go biking. Do a group class.

    If he is "too busy" for working out, get a pair of stair steppers from Walmart for $50 a pop and "jog" in front of the TV together while you watch your favorite shows.

    The most important thing is to not let his attitude stop you from attaining your goals!
  • TossaBeanBag
    TossaBeanBag Posts: 458 Member
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    Junebugsc wrote: »
    kaspatore wrote: »
    cook what you are going to eat and if he doesn't want it, he can fend for himself. Stop asking for a while if he wants to join you and just GO for a walk, and in a couple of weeks, invite him again.

    This^^^^

    And this ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
  • StaciMarie1974
    StaciMarie1974 Posts: 4,138 Member
    edited November 2014
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    Portion control. If you're the one making a meal, then make what you want. You don't have to cook 'healthy' just make some healthier choices. Like grilled or baked instead of fried. Other than that, its a matter of how much you have. If you're aiming for 1400 calories a day and he's not, he'll naturally have larger portions. But you can eat the same foods.

    Even if he were trying to lose weight, you'd probably be in the same predicament with food. Different people have different caloric needs. These days I'm maintaining and my husband is losing. A common discuss, if I'm making dinner, is to ask how many calories he needs. I'm better with the portioning, calculating. So if needs 500 vs 800, I build a plate for him accordingly.

    On the fitness side of things, let him know he's welcome to join you. But in general, do your own thing.
  • nicsflyingcircus
    nicsflyingcircus Posts: 2,516 Member
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    My husband is 6' and has always been a healthy weight. He also took up running a couple years ago, though he doesn't race or anything. He never nagged me about my weight or my lack of fitness, honestly it would have made me resent the hell out of him.

    Now, I was finally ready and I've lost 94lbs and have become more active (though I still have 100+ lbs to lose to get to a healthy weight). It had to come from ME, not from some external source. Leave him alone, don't nag him to walk with you, cook what you're going to cook and if he doesn't like it, well, he's a grown-*kitten* man, presumably. He'll get by.
  • wmcmurray61
    wmcmurray61 Posts: 192 Member
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    I know the feeling. My SO has many health problems that would be helped so much by taking better care of himself but he doesn't seem to be ready to do anything about it. So I just do my thing. I don't even ask anymore if he wants to go with me because the answer is always the same. I at least got him to stop offering me "treats" and he is being very supportive of me in my journey. I figure if and when he is ready he will do it. Noone can do it for him. He has to do it for himself.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,426 Member
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    heatherannh23 wrote: »
    I wasn't too sure where to post this, I apologize if I went with the wrong category. My fiance isn't really into eating healthy and losing weight. I know he wants to, we have very similar goals. However, I'm starting to try to workout and eat better. He is not. I ask if he would like to take a walk with me all the time but he never wants to. He's in law school so I realize time is an issue for him. I need to either get him to join me or figure out how to eat better when I'm the only one striving to do so and the one cooking for both of us. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

    You don't figure out how to get him to join you. He has to want to do that himself enough to put the effort in.
    Tell him you are going for a walk or taking a class. Invite him to join. If he says no then go by yourself or find another exercise buddy. Don't wait for him to feel like joining you. You might let him know how good you feel.
    If you are cooking the food, then just cook healthy meals or only put the food you want on your plate. If he doesn't want to eat the meal you make then he can get his own because he is an adult.
  • shadowloss
    shadowloss Posts: 293 Member
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    When I first started I wasn't taking anyone with me on the Journey. I just did it, because it is what I needed to do for ME.

    Now, my wife of 20+ years, who has always watched what she ate, but comes from a family where feeding people what "they" want brings them happiness. So she is always willing to cook meals that are less than healthy for the kids and I. Now that I've started to refuse what she is cooking and choosing more healthy meals, she is on the band wagon. Now she is cooking healthier meals, which benefits the entire family. And yes I cook on occasions as well and always choose something easy to make, like salads, etc...
    +
    What I was getting to is this. I started this on my own, but by them watching from the sidelines (Them = Entire Family), they are now starting to get into it. And the kids don't even realize it. Its gotten to be a competition with my wife now, she has to compare fit bits every night and is ultra competitive. Which is great for both of us.

    So just because he may not be on board now. Once he sees the improvements you are making, he will eventually come to the "dark side".

    Having gone through graduate school, it is too bad he doesn't want to exercise. That is by far the best way to escape the books and refocus. I bet his grades would improve or need to study would decrease if he added 30 min of walking to his day. Just saying. I spent more time in the gym when I was in school then I did when I got out.
  • Velum_cado
    Velum_cado Posts: 1,608 Member
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    Why is it important to you? My husband and I have our own interests, and this is no different, really. I do my stuff, he does his. I do all the cooking, and just has to go with it.
  • FitFitzy331
    FitFitzy331 Posts: 308 Member
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    my boyfriend wants to "eventually" start working out, he is also trying to gain weight. Since I'm focused on my own goals of losing weight I tell him things that I am going to make for the week, he gives input on what he'd like to eat then i just make enough for him to have a bigger serving than I do. I weigh everything so it all works out. Example: I made a quiche for breakfast for the week, mostly egg whites, reduced fat cheese, spinach, bell pepper, he wanted onions and bacon so i added onions and checked if he was ok with turkey bacon. So we compromise on that but if its something where I'm low on calories or over on one macro, we'll fend for ourselves. You each have your own goals and priorities right now, you can try to make them work together at least part of the time, if they don't work out then he's a big boy, he can find his own dinner :)
  • Francl27
    Francl27 Posts: 26,371 Member
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    Just do it for you. He'll catch up when he's ready. I lost 70 pounds before my husband was ready to make a change (more or less, he doesn't really stick to it but he's lost 20 pounds so far).
  • sardelsa
    sardelsa Posts: 9,812 Member
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    I am trying to gain, my husband is trying to lose. I make the dinners... I just eat more, he eats less. Law school is super stressful, and while taking a walk with you might seem like a great release, he might need to study or relax in other ways. You just keep doing what you are doing and he will see the positive effects and he will come around and join you when he is ready.

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