Struggling with Body/Self Hate Lately

Mblaqsidetoside

I've been really upset with myself lately. I've lost 25 lbs since August (according to a doctor scale) and I should be proud but I just feel more disgusting. Some things fit better but a lot doesn't. I look in the mirror and I get nauseous over my body. The thing I'm struggling most with right now is I actually got involved in an exercise that I enjoy. I do Kpop dance classes now on weekends and I'll actually be in a flashmob next week. The issue is I'm clearly the biggest one in the flashmob and I almost want to back out because of my looks. No one else judges me and I actually got one of the main parts...yet I wanna cry when I see our practice videos. I just keep thinking 'why am I so disgusting' 'why do I bother' 'my body is just an embarrassment.'
I don't know what to do..I'm so close to crying over it again. I know I'm in better shape, I feel it just in how I walk and hold my energy..why do I feel like this?

Chronicle113

Hello. I know how you feel. I use to weight 260 lbs and now Im 175 lb. The biggest thing to do is to not focus on the current you but on what you want your body to look like. Don't get too concerned of what others may think of you. Its a journey we all have to go through in order to change for the better. Not only make this journey or diet temporary, make it a lifestyle. Continue doing what you doing consistently. 25 lbs is great to lose. Just keep on going and all of your hard work will pay off. I promise you. It just takes time and effort.

daynerz

Focus on your accomplishments
Remember you can change it all, you are the captain of your soul
Loving yourself on the outside mirrors what is going on, on the inside
You can and do anything you want, take control

whatatime2befit

Use the video you are doing as motivation, as a "before" video. Tell yourself that it will be worth it to look back in a year or two time, when you are at goal or closer to it, to see how far you've come.

MinnieInMaine

It can be easier said that done but you really need to stop viewing these so emotionally and think of them more logically. As you said, no one is judging you, those are just evil voices in your head that need to be shut down. Stop focusing on them and focus on the positive. Put signs up all over your house if you have to. "woohoo, you lost 25 pounds, keep going!" "You got a main part in a flash mob, how cool!"

The statement that really stood out to me is you saying "The thing I'm struggling most with right now is I actually got involved in an exercise that I enjoy." How is this a bad thing?!

I also see you being on the edge of quitting due to what basically boils down to having some success. Maybe you're just afraid of the changes and how they're going to affect your life going forward? I can relate to this as I had a few times where I wondered the same thing but I never let it get to me to the point of quitting.

If you find you can't get past this, I'd seriously suggest looking into getting some counseling to figure out why you're going through these struggles over and over. No one really talks about it but there is a huge mental/emotional aspect to losing weight and it can be much harder for some than others.

Best of luck to you and have fun at the flash mob!

alcrisp93

The feelings that you're describing indicate to me that you would do well from seeking professional treatment.

I've struggled with the type of self-hate that you've described, and the only thing that really helped was counseling. If you see a therapist, they can help you find healthier ways to relate to your body.

I will say this- tackling this now is important, because if you don't confront it, it won't just go away on its own. You won't feel happy with your body no matter how much (or little) you weigh.

I like what someone said earlier about putting positive affirmations around your home- self talk is really really important! The things that we think influence how we feel, and I'm a huge believer in "fake it 'till you make it" when it comes to self talk. Even if you don't FEEL beautiful, tell yourself that you are, every single day. If you start to feel things like disgust for your body, forcibly think something positive about it. Consider all the things that your body does for you, and how hard it works when you push it to. If you work on appreciating your body for what it is now, weight and all, you'll be happier for it.

Tape pieces of paper to your fridge, your walls, your mirror, reminding you to be kind to yourself, and to treat yourself as you would a friend. Write things that you love about yourself on them, in big letters and bold colors, so that they're easy to find when you need them.

Loving yourself is hard work, but it's so worth it. Even on days when it doesn't feel true, eat like you love yourself, move like you love yourself, act like you love yourself. Eventually, these prophecies are self-fulfilling and they start to come true.

No good things inside the self are ever born of fear or hatred or disgust. Good things are born of hope and love, as cheesy as it sounds. It's entirely true. You'll get further if you can find a way to accept who you are now.

Feel free to add me as a friend, if you like. I'm always willing to lend an ear or a bit of support.

(but I still think looking into counseling would be very helpful for you)

sofaking6

Imagine if it were someone else in the video - would you tell that person they were a disgusting embarrassment? No? Give yourself that same respect, you deserve it just as much as anyone else.

ems212

You aren't the first, and you definitely won't be the last, person to feel self-conscious or hate how they look. My best friend of 15 years (who is actually under-weight) constantly tells me how ashamed she is of her appearance. We all see the worst in ourselves until we make the mental shift to see the best.

I spent years hating how I looked...being ashamed that I was the "big girl". I refused to eat in public or participate in many activities because I didn't want people to stop and stare or point. Finally, I realized that the people around me weren't judging me. I was the one seeing myself that way...and it needed to stop.

Remember, we're all beautiful. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Take a step back and be proud of your accomplishments. Be proud that you are making a change for yourself. Be proud that you are doing something so many people struggle with...and remember, you aren't alone.

GenF32

Hey there, I'm so sorry you're feeling so down I often feel the same way myself, and coincidentally was just re-reading over an old blog post I wrote about having 'fat days'. The thing is, how you THINK you look, and how you FEEL about yourself, is FAR more critical and negative than most likely anyone else would ever think/feel. And it may be completely distorted from reality too.

Here's a link to what I wrote a while ago that may help http://www.gi-gen.com/everyone-has-fat-days/

yoovie

we are worth more than how we look! we can't be this superficial with ourselves.

Keevy333

Your biggest critic will always be yourself hun! And I know exactly how you feel. When I lost my first 30 pounds I just couldn't see it or feel it with myself and it was very frustrating! The great thing is you found an exercise you love. Focus on all your improvements and all the progress you have made. Remember where you started and look forward to the future. The one thing that kept me going was looking at how many more reps I could do of an exercise each day. Seeing my stamina and strength increase really motivated me to keep going, even if I still felt like i looked the same.