Mental struggles

PibblesRun

So...a little backstory to enlighten you as to why!

I was overweight my whole life...My highest weight was 230 all through high school. Im 5' 6". I got into a very bad mentally and physically abusive relationship at 20. Of course my weight was the main target, how im so fat nobody would ever want me so I better never leave him etc... At 22 I finally got the courage to leave him (after coming home to see a woman walking out of our house) That's when reality finally set in, that although I may be fat, I didn't deserve to be treated like garbage.

I went on a diet...I lost 115 lbs. In 1 1/2 years. I started out right and healthy...when I started seeing results, I wanted to see them faster. I started eating less and less until I literally became afraid of eating, afraid if I put it in my mouth id gain 115 lbs in 2 minutes! I became anorexic. When I finally got to my goal weight of 115...Me and my new boyfriend went out to celebrate! I ate my first real meal in a long time, had a few drinks...had a blast! Went home and felt so overcome with guilt and fear...that I threw up. That's when the bulimia started. I still didn't eat much...but if I ate something that wasn't in my "plans" for the day, even if it was a salad...id throw up. That went on for about 2 years. I broke up with the guy I was seeing...we just weren't compatible. Lived on my own for a while, had a job bartending...and met my husband. I finally found a guy that I loved more than anything, and he made me feel so beautiful and sexy, I started eating more...and because my metabolism was so shot to hell, I gained weight. about 50 lbs...when I was pregnant I gained 70 lbs! So here I am again...losing weight. This time im doing it the right way though...Which is why im writing...

I hope someone can relate to what I deal with on a day to day basis. I still fight with myself every day to not throw up when I eat something I don't feel is necessary, and I still fight with myself constantly with eating food. Now, I will eat...but I hate myself for it. Ill want to eat something unhealthy...chips, cookies etc... (I don't keep ANY junk in the house because I know im weak when it comes to that stuff) but if I want something bad enough I can go get it...or I have the stuff to make cookies or a cake etc...So, like today, the reason im sitting here writing this...I was reaching for the granola bars (my husbands snacks for work) I know one is ok...but I know I wouldn't just eat one...I already had ideas in my head, well hell, if I eat a granola bar I might as well make cookies. One time isn't going to hurt...then my brain chimes in...listen fatty...you know it wont be one time, you know you will keep eating, and I argue...No I can just do it one time and be back on track...and my brain argues...Yeah right...like the last time, You felt so guilty you made a trip to the bathroom remember...do you want to feel that way again? Then I argue...Well you get the point! This goes on and on and on...and if I do eat that something then I argue with myself about why I cant go throw up...This is a never ending battle with me and im so afraid ill never live normal again! That ill have to fight with myself every single day for the rest of my life. How can I overcome this??? I have considered counseling but we don't have the money for it, no way. Im a stay at home mom and we barley make it...we don't have 1 dollar at the end of the week let alone 100 for counseling once a week.

Can anyone relate to this at all...does anyone have some hope to give me, or advice on how to get over this mental struggle? I know how crude some people here can be, so if you cant relate, please don't berate me and go back to your glass house where your comfortable.

jade2112

I understand you perfectly. I'm anorexic/binge purge subtype.

It's my own living hell and those thoughts occupy my every waking moment. Literally, there isn't a moment in my day that I'm not thinking about food, my weight and fighting the urge to binge/purge or starve.

I also understand the fear of food. I'm even afraid of myself.

jellyjojo

Hi KT,

I want to thank you for writing this post. My 15 year old daughter is bulimic. Although she knows I am always here for her- I know that she feels she cant share this with me (which absolutely breaks my heart). She is receiving help for this but there's not much help/support/advice for those, like me, who see the people they love having to deal with their daily struggle

Reading you post has given me an insight into the way she may feel and the struggle she goes through everyday.

I know when you wrote this post you were looking for support of your own which sadly I can't really offer. However, maybe it will help you a little to know that you helped me understand a little more today :flowerforyou: