Overcoming "All or nothing" mentality

GeauxWill

Hi, I'm new to the forums, I have used MFP a few times in the past briefly.

On atleast 3 instances I have lost 50ish pounds over a 3-5 month period just to gain it all back. I never starved myself, I just ate clean and exercised. However, I always end up letting a bad day turn into a bad weekend, which turns into a bad week, and then I'm back to my old habbits. The times that I have had the most success have been when I had a "biggest loser" contest at work in which there is a lot of money on the line. I have won twice, but I think it ended up being detrimental because there was an "end" date.

I am currently 29yo, 293 lbs and am looking to get to around 170.

Any advice is really appreciated.

nancybuss

One day at a time - again. You know what works for you. You also need a new 'goal'. There is NO end date! there can be a goal weight, a 'look' goal, but overall, when you're there, its about your HEALTH. Its about being around and being healthy for as long as you can be!
The extra pounds mean extra stress on Every Area of your body. That is more likely to have something 'break down' sooner.... then you have to 'fix it'.

you've done this. You can do it. do it for YOU!!!!!

The Money was motivation, think of the money you'll save when you don't have High Doctor Bills!!! I know, its hard to 'see that' because its not there... but its a real thing and very important.

Welcome BACK!

Feel free to add!

KylaDenay

You have to want it! I refuse to lose the weight and allow myself to get back to where I was. If you totally are focused and determined to lose weight and keep it off then you have to want it.

I believe that when people lose weight and gain the weight back, they just don't care enough about it. That or there are emotional issues involved.

Do not rush it. Take your time. Set a realistic goal. Eat what you love and do not deprive your self. Find the motivation to do it for YOU!!

Consistency, moderation and dedication is key!

cwolfman13

GeauxWill wrote: »

Hi, I'm new to the forums, I have used MFP a few times in the past briefly.

On atleast 3 instances I have lost 50ish pounds over a 3-5 month period just to gain it all back. I never starved myself, I just ate clean and exercised. However, I always end up letting a bad day turn into a bad weekend, which turns into a bad week, and then I'm back to my old habbits. The times that I have had the most success have been when I had a "biggest loser" contest at work in which there is a lot of money on the line. I have won twice, but I think it ended up being detrimental because there was an "end" date.

I am currently 29yo, 293 lbs and am looking to get to around 170.

Any advice is really appreciated.

The bolded is why most people have issues, regardless of whether it's a contest or a diet or whatever. Reaching your goal weight is just the beginning...it's not the end...you've simply arrived at the starting line of the most arduous race of your life.

Your health, fitness, nutrition, etc...these are all life long endeavors. The betterment of one's self is a life long endeavor...there is no end. When that really starts to sink in you realize how completely unrealistic it is to think you're going to be 100% on all of the time...that you're never going to have a bad day or bad week or even a bad month...that you're never going to miss a workout, etc.

The reality is that life happens..and that's ok...because when you stick to what you're supposed to be doing most of the time, those bad days...bad weeks...and even bad months become insignificant to the whole.

I've been on this little safari now for a couple of years...lost about 40 Lbs and maintained that loss for a good 18 months or so. Along the way though, I've had plenty of bad days...I just get up the next day and tell myself that today I'm going to be better than I was yesterday...and that there are 365 days in a year...one day is irrelevant to the whole. Get up...brush myself off and carry on. Today is a new day and ultimately, the days and weeks and months and years will pass whether you're doing something positive for yourself or not...I personally strive to do positive things for myself daily...even if they're just small things. Sometimes it's all about baby steps, not making 180* changes overnight.

LaCantressa

I am wondering what you have learned from both your past success and then gaining the weight back. Is it possible that you weren't truly happy or comfortable with the changes you made in order to lose the weight? Sounds like you enjoy the challenge of competition, so maybe you could find a positive way to figure that into your journey this time, only beware of focusing on an end date.

It is interesting you put "all or nothing" mentality in your header. I was attracted to that phrase, because I was a very black and white thinker. I have gradually learned to accept areas of "gray". Doing so has enabled me to take a bad day and shorten it down to a bad moment, forgive myself, and move forward.

I guess my advice would be to focus on what you have learned from your past experience and figure out what would work well for you in the future. You could begin with that and see where it leads. And I would add that the faster you forgive yourself for a mis-step, the quicker you can get right back on track.

Remember, we are all just flawed imperfect fabulous human beings, and mistakes happen. But our mistakes can be our greatest teacher, even if the lesson we have to learn has to be repeated before we learn it.

Good luck!

knitapeace

I don't know what the answer is to this, because somehow it's just not a problem for me personally, but I know my husband suffers from it big time. He'll go great guns for a few months and then fall hard. All I can say is that it's a very detrimental viewpoint and I hope you find something that works for you.

Personally I find a lot of satisfaction in setting workout goals over scale goals, and that way I can always set a new goal once one is reached. I mean, you don't want to just keep lowering and lowering your goal weight but you can set a new goal for number of minutes running or number of pushups you can do.

farfromthetree

When I wake up and see a brad new empty food diary, it helps me forget the day before. One reason I love MFP!

jaynerebecca1

I have learned that when I eat too much today, I need to look at tomorrow as a new day. Do not try to punish myself, do not completely give up, just start over. This is how to live healthily. By enjoying ourselves and not feeling guilty, but then starting again healthy tomorrow. It is REALLY HARD but that is really important. One high calorie lunch doesn't mean you automatically have a high calorie dinner and dessert because "well today is ruined!". Just one meal at a time!! YOU CAN DO IT!

Capt_Apollo

GeauxWill wrote: »

Hi, I'm new to the forums, I have used MFP a few times in the past briefly.

On atleast 3 instances I have lost 50ish pounds over a 3-5 month period just to gain it all back. I never starved myself, I just ate clean and exercised. However, I always end up letting a bad day turn into a bad weekend, which turns into a bad week, and then I'm back to my old habbits. The times that I have had the most success have been when I had a "biggest loser" contest at work in which there is a lot of money on the line. I have won twice, but I think it ended up being detrimental because there was an "end" date.

I am currently 29yo, 293 lbs and am looking to get to around 170.

Any advice is really appreciated.

i can understand having an "end date." while i know that fitness and exercise is a life-long endeavour, i need to have a date to be ready for. so i sign up for races. it keeps me working out to prepare for something. and i always have the next race already bought and paid for, so i don't get post race blues.

silentKayak

Welcome back. Feel free to friend me. If you're active on the site and then you stop logging in, I'll message you to see what's up and try to get you back on track. Hoping my friends will do the same for me.

50 lbs in 4 months sounds like an awful lot. It's very likely that your weight loss method wasn't sustainable. You started feeling deprived and restricted, and so of course you went back to what you were doing before. That always leads to rapid regain, and probably gaining more than the original loss.

If you focus on sustainable goals (aim for 1.5 lbs week, keep your hunger in check, leave room for treats and cheat days, build an exercise habit slowly), I bet you'll be able to find something you can stick with. MFP can help you find the right level of calories in/exercise to lose sustainably.

Don't think of it as a diet but more like small changes in your habits that you can keep in the long-term. I hate the phrase "lifestyle change", but at least now I understand what people mean when they say that! I haven't changed my lifestyle, but I have changed my eating habits permanently.

sofaking6

One thing I've learned is to think of my future self - say, three months away - looking back over the period between now and then and being either proud or ashamed of how I've taken care of myself during that time. I know that even if me, today, feels like giving up out of guilt, or feels overwhelmed, future me is a lot more understanding and would never begrudge a bad day here and there. Future me would be even MORE impressed if I've dusted myself off and kept going.

lemurcat12

GeauxWill wrote: »

I always end up letting a bad day turn into a bad weekend, which turns into a bad week, and then I'm back to my old habbits.

Welcome! The above is what struck me. I used to do it too. I think it's important to think of it as in for the long term, and if you don't manage to do everything perfectly realize that's just life and the plan has to allow for that. Not having it be all or nothing, realizing you can make this work even if you budget in a higher calorie day or slip up and eat something you didn't mean to or fail to find time to exercise for a week, was a huge realization for me, since there was no longer that "already screwed up, might as well go nuts and start this again later" message in my head.

999tigger

Whay they said you dodnt have a strategy to put in place when you got to target hence you let everything slip. Although i can understand about a short term target you have to continue wanting to be a healthy weight and be prepared to put the work in. If you let it slip then you lose sight of being objective and wanting it enough. Get some friends and keep logging even if you are over your limit.

rainbowbow

Black and white thinking is a common trait in borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. It can also be a co morbid trait in those with mood disorders or anxiety disorders (namely obsessive compulsive disorder).

A good therapy option would be dialectical behavioral therapy as it focuses mainly on "walking the middle path" or "living in the grey".

If you find yourself having an all or nothing mentality I'd think deeply about whether or not this applies to other aspects of your life as well. Generally it does.

Seek help from someone who specializes in this specifically so you can maintain long term success in your goals!

Jim_1000

I would suggest you check out some info on "Stages of Change" A person moves through five stages being Denial, Pre-Contemplation, Contemplation, Planning and Action (which is eventually Maintenance) However, you can relapse at any point to any previous point. This would be for any kind of change or addiction. The key to success would be to only go back no further than planning or at least get back to the action as soon as possible, you can make changes that need to be made to ensure your success. I definately agree with whoever said that, you should at no point, consider yourself to be on a diet. Just consider yourself to be a healthier person now and you will not feel like you are missing out on anything.

opalsqueak007

You sound like a competitive person, and someone who likes to set himself a challenge, complete it, and move on to the next one. Regarding being "all or nothing" - I know what you mean as I am the same.

That said, this is a lifelong challenge, isn't it - to be the best we can be? It's like a sort of insurance for your future to take care of yourself. I am just down to a normal weight now, and have realised that the challenge is far from over - it has just begun. Good luck to you and please friend me if you like.

Brandolin11

My take on this (from personal experience) is that when most people set out to lose weight, they work really hard to change their body, and maybe even their state of mind to a certain extent, but they completely ignore the fact that in order to shift away from *any* destructive habit in your life and to move toward a healthy lifestyle is, at it's core, an affair of the HEART and of MORAL CHARACTER...not the body. The body follows the heart, mind, emotions, and character, not the other way around.

Most people who abuse food (and yo-yo dieting, compulsive eating, bingeing, etc. are all examples of abuse) are doing it to cope with pain, discomfort, stress, etc. in their life. That could be due to something situational, or it could just be a general, low-grade stress you always feel because you never learned how to express anger, or be comfortable with sadness, or be alone, or deal with difficult people, etc. (the list goes on and on)... Bingeing, overeating, restricting, dieting, all give you a false sense of "comfort". For some people that comfort comes in the form of control ("my life is a mess but at least I can restrict my eating"), or soothing ("I'm so upset right now, I just need to eat some ice cream and watch tv to relax"), or trying to feel something ("I'm so bored, what can I eat to feel more "up"?), etc. There are myriad ways we use food to "help" ourselves "feel better".

The great irony is that in doing these things, we actually make the situation much, much worse for ourselves. We are not actually helping anything at all! We are literally starving ourselves both emotionally and physically. We're not meeting our *real* needs.

What you NEED, is to learn how to cope with life without abusing food. You NEED to be healed emotionally and you need to develop character (strength, loyalty, patience, self control, peace, love for yourself, discipline, fortitude, courage, etc.). The stronger you become INSIDE, the more you will be able to conquer the OUTSIDE issues that stem from your former internal weakness.

How does one do this? Seek counseling. Support groups (Overeaters Anonymous is great). Journal your feelings. Be honest with yourself. Forgive yourself. Forgive others. Pray. Read books and articles about this subject. Work on reducing your stress. Get rid of toxic relationships. Draw boundaries. See a nutritionist. See a personal trainer. Move your body. Track your calories.

TAKE ACTION - real action - don't just wish and hope and pray that "maybe this time it'll work". Don't just knuckle down and grit your teeth and "try again". You'll never win that fight - you'll always burn out and go back to your comforts. You have to change from within.

mbcieslak87

Something that helps me is planning in the future - for instance I have a vacation coming up in April - I want to feel great then -not because I need to wear a bathing suit for it; it's to Seattle and Vancouver, but because I want to enjoy myself and not feel chubby and winded when we're walking all over town!

There is always another goal and like someone said above me, if you imagine you as your future self - your future self isn't going to remember that extra slice of pizza or even that exhausting workout - your future self is going to be like wow I felt awful back then and now I feel great.

My point being - if you are date/goal oriented, keep them coming! There is always something in the future that we can look forward to and can have a reason to be healthy for! (Besides it just being for your health, which obviously we all know should be the case... but hey, some of us need a little extra oompf along the way).