Shedding the negative self image

caperchick78

Despite joining MFP in 2010, I didn't start using it consistently until April 2014. Since then, I have managed to lose 37 lbs, and should reach my first "big goal" of 60 lbs by January 1, 2014. My end goal is to lose 161 lbs. I'm not sure what's different this time around, but the journey has been relatively easy. Exercising is enjoyable and my eating habits have improved substantially. I'm noticing the changes in my energy levels and in my body, and while I recognize I have a long way to go, I feel for the first time that it's attainable.

This has led me to decide to get back into the dating world. I ended my relationship with my ex in August 2013. We were together for 3 years, and his constant criticism of my weight did major damage on my self-esteem (which was already fragile at best). Living in a small town in a province I'm new to (there are no men here), I decided to join an online dating site and put myself out there. For the first time in a long time I was excited about dating again and potentially meeting a nice guy. However, I didn't expect the paralyzing fear of actually meeting someone in person and having them see how big I am. I put a few pictures of myself up there, but no full-body photos. I cannot do it. I'm so embarrassed by how I look, and cannot help but focus on how big I am. I know that despite having lost 37 lbs I'm still obese and likely not worthy of dating. All I hear is my ex telling me my body is disgusting and that he was embarassed to be seen with me.

I've met someone who I've been talking a lot with and who wants to meet me. But I'm too ashamed of how I look. I didn't realize how emotional this journey would be. I know what I need to do to lose the weight, but I'm not so sure how to lose the self-loathing.

azwen

It sounds like you are really on the right path to being well physically and emotionally. I do think you have one big strength: you know that the idea that you are "not worthy of dating" came from your ex; it is not reality at all. He sounds like was trying to control you and make you feel dependent on him (whether on purpose or because he had his own insecurities and dealt with them poorly, I don't know). Now you are looking and feeling much better, and you will get better and better as the months go by. But how to shake those ideas that are still hanging with you? I'd say just facing them when they arise and labeling them for what they are: lies someone else told you. I have OCD, and I know that often when a weird anxiety about something pops into my head, just being able to say to myself, "That's just my OCD" takes a lot of the power of the thought away. Maybe that can help in your case, when you find yourself thinking that you're unworthy? Just say, "That's an old lie I don't have to listen to anymore". I find that immersing my mind and body in things that are positive and productive helps me with unwanted thoughts, too. Playing an instrument, participating in a hobby, etc. Maybe learning a new sport or fitness activity? I think it will take time for you to learn to take the power out of those thoughts you're having. Give yourself time, and just keep reminding yourself they are not true. Do you have friends around who are supportive?

Also, as to whether you should meet this guy or not, that's your call. Dating is rough, and you want to be ready for it. It could be lots of fun, though.

Well, I don't know if I've helped at all, but great job on your exercise and diet changes, and keep going with these positive changes in your life. You are doing great!

silentKayak

You are absolutely worthy of dating. Your weight has nothing to do with your worth as a person. It sounds like you've met someone who recognizes that. I'd give him a chance.

lunalee84

Like Zarckon said- You are worthy and deserve to be loved my an amazing man. Is this guy him? who knows, but you will never know if you don't give it a chance. If it doesn't work out you just have to look at it as you were not compatible, but you will be with someone, someday. Be proud of the changes you have and are making!

Christineclendaniel

I still have a negative self image...and I probably will for a long time. But that is something I need to work on and recognize that. You are beautiful! Don't let the scars of your ex ruin your future happiness. Does the man you're speaking to know that you are currently on a healthier living path?

KPeriandri

This breaks my heart. Don't ever let someone bring you down like that. Believe me, those thoughts will never go away (I know that sounds awful!) I have been there before. Those are damaging words.. but be honest with yourself. Are you worth it? From what I am reading, you are completely worth it. A strong and incredibly smart woman who took a leap and made some pretty hard decisions to get healthy and be happy.. I think you should let this person in on this new and improved you! You deserve a well rounded support system around you!