I've come to realize...

This may get long and winded, so if this is too long to read I apologize. The gist is that I need to be stronger around my mom.

My mom blames the majority of my weight gain to being with my husband (been with him for 10 years). She says that when we started going out, that’s when I started really adventuring with cooking and making unhealthy dishes. While this is true, I tried explaining to her that bad habits started before I even went out with him. When I started dating him I was already 10-15 pounds heavier than when I graduated high school. Before going out with him, my family and I were starting to go out to eat more often, usually for dinner, where I was making a habit of having a slice of cheese cake every time we went. My mom argues that we didn’t go out to eat that much, but even a few times a week is enough to cause damage to the waistline. Also, my mom was not with me at college to see me frequently hitting up Starbucks and the food court for cheese steaks and salads that were topped with cheese and ¼ cup of ranch dressing.

So, while most of my weight gain happened after I started dating my husband, the bad habits starting forming before then. When I try to explain this to my mom she argues me to the point I have to give up. She’s that type of person – once she feels she is right NOTHING can change her mind and she will argue until the other person gives up.

But, I love my mom and we have a great relationship when we’re not arguing which, thankfully, isn’t too much. My parents pick up my son from daycare and watch him until I finish work so I we’re very close and I see them pretty much daily.

My mom is not a healthy weight and she, like so many of us, has tried diets in the past. She struggles with exercise due to injuries and eating healthy lasts for so long and she gets back into old habits – again, like so many of us.

I’m finally at a place in my journey where I know I’m not perfect, but I’m working to be better one step at a time. I know I won’t look back completely, but I still derail from time to time. I noticed that I’m the weakest though around my mom. Not always, but a lot. I’ve also come to notice that my moments of weakness correlate to her current diet. If she’s doing good, I’m able to resist temptations more when I’m around her. Right now, though, she’s already begun baking for the holidays and she gets depressed during this time of year, so she says that she needs to go on a diet but it’s not actually happening.

I’m not blaming her. It is completely and 100% me. I need to be in control of myself. She knows that I’m losing weight and exercising and she’s really proud of me so I know she doesn’t want to sabotage me. I’ve told her before that I need to be better when I’m at her house. There are either treats around or, sometimes, we go out to eat together. Sometimes when I say no she says okay. Other times she gets upset and I give in because I don’t want to start an argument with her (usually this is with the going out to eat part). I try to find that balance of giving in without going overboard, but that doesn’t always happen. I need to be better with putting my foot down.

Sorry for this being so long. I wanted to share my experiences as I know there are others who can relate to this. Please share your experiences with either fighting temptation, or anything you did to help you fight these temptations especially when it’s a close family member.

Replies

  • weatheredcheese
    weatheredcheese Posts: 112 Member
    I hear you and feel your pain.
    My family don't get together too often when all of us are there, this weekend we all met up for a meal and when trying to become a better healthier person and change my lifestyle (its not dieting if you are doing it for the rest of your life) I turned down pudding when it was offered at the thought of birthday cake being presented also.

    You need to find a way of encouraging your mother to join you, maybe find some interesting healthier versions of the things she is cooking and show her what is out there.
    On a personal note you need to say no and stand your ground, don't bring up the past arguments or the one about who's fault it was because right now if you say yes, its your fault. Yes your mother might be baking but some mothers do, but unless you keep saying no then the message won't get through.

    Guilty feelings? Tell her, not in a vicious way and if she tries to start arguing just be gentle and explain; "I feel guilty for saying no as I can see you have gone to alot of effort, but right now I don't want a piece of (replace with baked item), as I am trying to lose weight and become a better me".

    When I was younger my dad use to go on at me saying how he didn't want to see his kids die before him, I was a chunky lad, but his words hurt me and for years I ate and ate, I found comfort in it. But when I finally moved out of their house I realised I am living for me and only me, so I need to look after number 1. So instead of arguing, help your mother see there is more to bake, more to cook which is healthier and can help the both of you.
  • BZAH10
    BZAH10 Posts: 5,693 Member
    "Guilty feelings? Tell her, not in a vicious way and if she tries to start arguing just be gentle and explain; "I feel guilty for saying no as I can see you have gone to alot of effort, but right now I don't want a piece of (replace with baked item), as I am trying to lose weight and become a better me"." - very good advice.

    Sometimes I wonder which is trickier: family & money or family & food? Either way, the dynamics seems to be ingrained and are very difficult to change even though you are now an adult. I could ramble on for a while on this topic myself, but to put it briefly, I'd say, OP, separate your identity from both your mom and food. Make your positive changes and if she doesn't follow along, let her know that's perfectly fine. You are making changes for YOU but that does not change how you feel about her as a person.