How do you deal with negativity from family?

KingOfThoseWhoKnow

As the title says, it can be hard when your own family are negative towards your endeavours to lose weight, anyone else have experience with this?

I am a determined person who doesn't care what other people think of me, but it does hit home when my own family say very harsh things, which happens quite often. It's maybe even a tad hypocritical of me, as I say I don't care what anyone thinks but I make an exception that it does hurt me when it's family and truly I do care when they say horrible things.

I don't have a relationship with my parents, and my family is quite dysfunctional, but that is besides the point, but it does point to reasons why so many negative things are thrown around so freely. I have my good days and bad days like anyone, but even on my good days, being called fat or the like, by family, throws me off completely. It instantly shatters my confidence and makes me extremely upset. There really is nothing more degrading and/or horrible than being deeply insulted by those closest to us, especially on sensitive issues. The other day my big sister had a fight with me and ended up saying some truly rotten things aimed at my weight and at me, I haven't really been right since. I'm trying to say "*kitten* her" and move on like I would if it was anyone else but for some reason I'm having trouble and thought I'd share it up on here to try and get it off my chest and start a discussion

Any feedback welcome and appreciated

dramaqueen45

It sounds like there are a lot of negative communication patterns and habits in your family. It's too bad that your family hurts each other in that way. I would say that if you don't live at home, do not communicate with them or do it as little as possible if they are going to be negative, insult you and bring you down. Surround yourself with positive people who will encourage you, like you for who you are, and support you in your weight loss goals. When and if you do talk to your family just don't mention your weight loss goals or even your success with it. Don't give them any ammunition to insult you about your weight. If you can help it, don't eat any meals with them so they can't comment on what you're eating (or not eating). These are just thoughts and ideas for you. You are young and have a long life ahead of you and believe me life is too short to deal with negative people who insult you. I hope that you find success and support here.

peachyfuzzle

Most of my family is fat with the exception of my uncle. He has always been a beanpole.

I am very close with him, but he'll mention my weight in passing at times with stuff like "put on a few more pounds?" or "You looked so good when you lost all of that weight before..." Stuff like that.

It doesn't really get to me at all because I know he means it in the best possible way, but I generally just let it go into one ear, and out the other.

I am the only person I allow to criticize me, so I view it as him confirming my own thoughts about myself. Sure, he might be manifesting it in a negative manner, but I cannot control what other people say. I can only control how I react to what other people say.

EK00001

dramaqueen45 wrote: »

It sounds like there are a lot of negative communication patterns and habits in your family. It's too bad that your family hurts each other in that way. I would say that if you don't live at home, do not communicate with them or do it as little as possible if they are going to be negative, insult you and bring you down. Surround yourself with positive people who will encourage you, like you for who you are, and support you in your weight loss goals. When and if you do talk to your family just don't mention your weight loss goals or even your success with it. Don't give them any ammunition to insult you about your weight. If you can help it, don't eat any meals with them so they can't comment on what you're eating (or not eating). These are just thoughts and ideas for you. You are young and have a long life ahead of you and believe me life is too short to deal with negative people who insult you. I hope that you find success and support here.

I would like to cut off the "Don't eat with them if possible", since having meals with family is a very important psychological connection to each family member. If they insult you while you are eating, suck it up, laugh it off and continue your journey. They WILL stop after they see you change into a slimmer, more handsome man, and because of that, they will keep putting you down so you won't reach your goals. From what I can tell, your family members each have a psychological problem of their own, and as humans, they will want to forget it by taking it out on someone else, like you. 2 years ago, into my 3rd year in training (16 years old), my dad's friend complimented on my abnormally large physique and asked what my goal was. I replied "To get ripped and strong". He laughed and replied "Keep dreaming". I gave him one last reply that would shut him up for good, "I will". Since then, my motivation was for myself and myself ONLY! That's where I started to see real changes.
Keep it up and don't give up. When you eat at the dinner table, make sure it's a different, slimmer you. You may make a positive difference and even be an inspiration to your family. We're all supporting you!

angelexperiment

Hi. I have this issue and the negative feedback on spending time working out thing. He said some mean things today as I was working out in front of him and I could not take anymore and started balling. He doesn't get what he says is hurting me. And maybe they don't either. But I will not let it stop me this time. Even if it means something else has to happen. I won't partake anymore. I have ave to learn to be thickskinned and realize only people vwho are that mean and insecure feel horrible about themselves and their lives. Sometimes its hard, but I can't hand over the keys to my happiness to him I decide whether it will affect me and I for one will not let it consume me bc its not even something he thinks about after its out of his mouth so why waste my time on the negative?

Kalikel

If they're calling you names, they have some problems. Remember that. It's not you. It's them. Avoid them as much as possible. If it makes you feel any better, they're unhappy people. I doubt it will make you feel better, lol, but being them is so difficult. Happy, well-adjusted people do not do that sort of thing. They can't stand being them.

Wronkletoad

just pull away. you don't *have* to have anything to do with them. just don't.

if it really is that bad, stay away from them. it's that simple. you don't owe them anything.

especially with christmas, etc coming around - STAY AWAY if it will stress you!!!! it's not worth it!!!

no need to sacrifice your own health and well being to enable others' miseries (and thereby making you miserable).

alienbabyjen

Wronkletoad wrote: »

just pull away. you don't *have* to have anything to do with them. just don't.

if it really is that bad, stay away from them. it's that simple. you don't owe them anything.

especially with christmas, etc coming around - STAY AWAY if it will stress you!!!! it's not worth it!!!

no need to sacrifice your own health and well being to enable others' miseries (and thereby making you miserable).

^^ this. I don't see any reason to associate with anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself and apparently doesn't have the common sense to be decent, family or not. They sound psychotic.

yoovie

I wish I had a family to be able to fight with.

sofaking6

Your profile says you're 23...do you live at home? If so, get a job, move out. If not, why do you spend time with people who treat you poorly? They're going to be horrible forever, so you're the one that has to set the boundaries for yourself. It's okay to refuse to be treated like crap, I promise

BoutThatBass

What about looking into therapy? A good therapist could help you figure out why your family's comments affect you so deeply, and how to manage your communication with them better so that you don't have to keep going through all the pain and hurt feelings every time they say something mean.

If you're enrolled in college, you can usually get access to low-cost treatment through student health services, or if you're working, many employers offer confidential employee assistance programs where you could get a referral.

Here's the thing - your family is mean. They're going to keep being mean. Nothing you do or say will make them not be mean, because if they were going to start being nice, they would've started already. So your options are: (1) continue with things the way they are, and let them keep hurting you so deeply; (2) get help figuring out how to stay in a relationship with them without being hurt when they do the mean things you know they're going to do; or (3) cut off contact completely to avoid the meanness (but of course there's a different set of issues that comes with not being in contact with your family). Therapy is an ideal place to work out which of these options will be best for you, with someone who is going to be 100% on your side and who's only job is to help you figure out what's best for you.

ems212

My family (that I communicate with) is the opposite...they say negative things about me trying to lose weight. I make a comment about going to workout and they make jokes.

It really sucks, but I'm doing this for me... I just keep reminding myself that this is my decision, my journey, and my life.

I was just a little kid when my biological father started picking at my weight, making comments that I shouldn't be wearing certain types of clothing because I didn't have the right body type. It really messed with my head for years.

But now that I'm older, I wish I hadn't let it mess with me. I am who I am. I have come to love myself, and while words can hurt, I don't need to let them. The people that you need to surround yourself with are the ones that support you. Family isn't always determined by a blood relation. If the family you were born into doesn't support you, come to a place like this and you will find so many people that do support you because they understand what it's like to take these journeys.

Remember, you control how you feel, and you're the one that's making a change. Keep your head up. I may not know you, but I believe you can do anything you set your mind to.

court_alacarte

my family (parents mainly) have become the same way.

i'm 5'5" and am currently ~156 lbs. i deal with general anxiety disorder and had a flare up when i moved away from my hometown to be closer to my fiance early september. long story short: i'm going to therapy for the GAD and my fiance and i mutually broke up. due to everything, i had turned to food for comfort and gained about 5 pounds (not even that much) since moving. however my parents are so focused on me eating right and exercising and losing weight that they drop those sort of comments in regular conversation all the time and it irritates me and is very hurtful. you would think to perhaps work on my emotional and mental state before anything else but they seem to be more preoccupied with my jeans fitting a bit more snug. my mom emailed me a picture, unprovoked, from when i was in college saying it should be my goal; i was walking with my dad and made a joke asking "am i skinny yet?" and he's like "oh no! farrrr from it!" you would think i was morbidly obese the way they cut me down. i joke that they have body dysmorphic disorder of MY body.

i talked to my therapist about it and he explained usually people project issues onto you that they themselves are feeling. so in other words, my parents have their own insecurities and are putting it on me for whatever reason. which i'm sure is the case for your situation too, OP. and, in so many words, we should tell them to f*** off. our body. our choices.

in my case, i'm pretty close with my parents and i love them to death and can't imagine just cutting them off, even though i'm 200 miles away. they are good parents all the while and have done so much for me. i plan to nicely tell them during thanksgiving that their comments are hurtful and they are probably unaware of what they're saying. they might throw the "why are you so sensitive?" card but i can't help how i feel and like i said, they probably don't realize what they're doing. and i would rather say something than let the situation spin out of control for whatever reason.

and i would second BeanByDesign's suggestion: therapy can be very, very helpful with your self-confidence and self-image. they will be able to help with dealing with negative people and comments because in the long run, you can only control what you do and how you feel.

best of luck, man.

111grace

1. If you are a Christian , you could look at it as if the enemy of God is trying to derail you and don't let them. fight harder
2. Or just smile, ( Humor is always a good tool to have) and say okay that is the truth fair enough, I am fat for Now, but one day I will be thin, at that would be the truth. And keep with your plan. So when they say you are fat again, say sure I am fat and smile.
3. They are who they are after all! thank God you are not them, worst case you could have been them, the haters, haha ain't you glad you are not them.
4. Happiness is the best victory

3DCAKE

The ones that are putting you down are insecure about themselves. Don't get sucked into their mess. Stay positive and keep going!!! Keep coming on MFP .... people on here will lift you up. We are here for you!!!!

acorsaut89

It probably hurts the most because you love your family, and more than that you probably respect their opinions and thoughts on things. I know with my parents, if I ask them how they feel about something I genuinely respect how they feel and take it under consideration. They are just some people on the street. Although it has been said it's easiest to hurt the ones we love the most.

I know some people are mean - it just happens - but when they're family it's different. It must be really hard not to take it to heart. Feel free to add me if you need to chat or need some encouragement - I am very lucky in that I have an amazing family who supports pretty much every decision I make with love and encouragement. I know I'm lucky to have that. Do what you do best - and when you drop all the weight you want to, you'll know that you did it, by yourself, without any help from them and that will make you stronger in the end.

Best of luck - and feel free to add me, I'm always here for support

carolinagirl543

dramaqueen45 wrote: »

It sounds like there are a lot of negative communication patterns and habits in your family. It's too bad that your family hurts each other in that way. I would say that if you don't live at home, do not communicate with them or do it as little as possible if they are going to be negative, insult you and bring you down. Surround yourself with positive people who will encourage you, like you for who you are, and support you in your weight loss goals. When and if you do talk to your family just don't mention your weight loss goals or even your success with it. Don't give them any ammunition to insult you about your weight. If you can help it, don't eat any meals with them so they can't comment on what you're eating (or not eating). These are just thoughts and ideas for you. You are young and have a long life ahead of you and believe me life is too short to deal with negative people who insult you. I hope that you find success and support here.

THIS! I completely agree with all of it.

And I completely *disagree with an earlier comment suggesting that you continue to have meals with your family because they will change once you lose weight. Nothing could be further from the truth! Toxic, negative people don't usually change. And once you do lose all your weight they will find a way to sabotage you more. They will then be jealous of your success.

Heavy boundaries are needed here for your physical, mental and spiritual growth.

Friends are... and can be your chosen family. And sometimes they are the best ones you could ever find.

brenn24179

toxic people will always find something to criticize you for, if not weight, something else. Find others to encourage you and just lose the weight for yourself and might as well ignore the toxics in your life, cant change them. I have one of those families also and the lady said she wished she have them, she can have mine.

RodaRose

Try not to talk to your sister when she is like that. Eventually, you will move away and find good people to be with.

Mr_Knight

KingOfThoseWhoKnow wrote: »

I don't have a relationship with my parents, and my family is quite dysfunctional...There really is nothing more degrading and/or horrible than being deeply insulted by those closest to us...

Which is it - do you not have a relationship, or are you close to them?

dbmata

KingOfThoseWhoKnow wrote: »

As the title says, it can be hard when your own family are negative towards your endeavours to lose weight, anyone else have experience with this?

You are a king, yet worry about the chattering of a subject? Hm. The crown of control fits the brow of those who control.

In other words, there is no reason to accept disparaging remarks from anyone, particularly family. Family and blood stick together as a battle unit against all others. When that unit breaks down, the leader must correct it.

There's no two ways about it.

ems212

dbmata wrote: »

In other words, there is no reason to accept disparaging remarks from anyone, particularly family. Family and blood stick together as a battle unit against all others. When that unit breaks down, the leader must correct it.

There's no two ways about it.

Family and blood aren't always the same thing. I haven't spoken to some blood relatives in years because they are toxic. Family consists of the people that accept you for you and support you. My best friend of 15 years...she's family. My biological grandparents on my father's side? They aren't even a part of my life.

Find people that support you, and realize those are your family. They're the ones who care and aren't toxic.

dbmata

Indeed. There's a reason I mentioned family and blood as separate things.

The K still remains. You control that stuff to make sure nothing goes off the rails, and you correct them when it does.

beamer0821

your family being dysfunctional is not besides the point. it is the point.

the best thing you can do for yourself is distance yourself from toxic dysfunctional people. i speak from experience.

it will be strange and hard and it will seem like things are getting worse instead of better b/c your dysfunctional family will not understand. but you have to trust yourself and know better that distance from them is better. the only way to heal yourself. its good for them to.