Lack of Support - Lots of Sabotage

ForMyAngelBaby

My husband can't even bring himself to show me any kind of encouragement or support. To make it worse - he's always enabling me or sabotaging my diet. I don't think he sabotages on purpose - but it's really starting to weigh on me (literally).

I'm finding it really hard to keep myself going when I can't have those I'm close to on the same page as me.

For once in my life it would be so nice if someone would just show one little ounce of interest in what I'm trying to do for me. I feel so alone.

GnomeLove

Sometimes people just don't want you to succeed because it will highlight their failures. If my husband acted so unsupportive, I would use that as encouragement to rub it in his face when I hit my goal weight.

SheilaG1963

I don't have the support at home either. Mine gripes if I have to buy new clothes or because I shop so differently than he does.

I just ignore it for a while. Eventually, I will blow my stack.

My best friend is my support, but he lives 95 miles away.

Feel free to add me as a friend in the same boat if you want!

S.

msjones2831

Just stick to your healthy habits. Don't give up! It's going to be very hard, but continue to reach out the your mfp, read about fitness and health, work out when you are bored or upset and just channel your energy to the new healthy you! you deserve it!

jessichri

In light of the fact that I don't know your husband, I'll err on the side of ignorance..his of course. Maybe he doesn't realize how important this is to you. Maybe he is insecure about the whole idea of a thinner you. Maybe he thinks his "sabotaging" is him being sweet and surprising you with food or buying your favorites.

Regardless, I have two suggestions. One, sit him down and have the talk. Let him know his lack of support is making you feel terrible and killing your motivation. Hopefully, if he realizes this, he will make an effort.
Second suggestion, regardless of his response to suggestion one, take accountability for yourself. Make the choice to do better even if you don't have his support. This is about you, not him.

You can do it!! If you don't get the needed support at home, we will give it to you here.

cola1988

I get complaints of how much time I spend exercising instead of with the family, then I take a couple nights off to spend 'with the family' and I end up alone watching tv, so I just go and listen to the complaints. I think we are all in the same boat, I get in trouble for buying new clothes, buying different foods just for me, etc, but I have decided to finally do this for me, it's not for them anyway.

Gwen_B

I think a lot of men are like that! That is what MFP is for!! Get you a lot of friends and they will give you motivation you need!!

dianefisher47

I agree with Gnomelove, it would make me work harder to prove to myself that I am worthy of myself and prove them wrong...When I decided many years ago to quit smoking , my husband and one of his friends laughed as if to say ...she won't succeed..WELL WELL enough said I have been smoke free now for 15 years...so yes lady you can do it and I believe in you.....:flowerforyou:

LonLB

Once in awhile I see someone post something like this and then someone comes along and bashes them and plays like it doesn't matter.

No it matters.

Been there and done that. My ex was even trying to give me a guilt trip the other day about taking the time to better myself. She was the sabotager of all sabotagers.

ForMyAngelBaby

I think one of my biggest problems is I seldomly ever do things just for me...it's always for everyone else.

It's so hard for me to put myself first - but we see where I've ended up by putting myself last...

LonLB

I think a lot of men are like that! That is what MFP is for!! Get you a lot of friends and they will give you motivation you need!!

See my post above.


She didn't want me to be on here either. SIGH.

So glad I don't have to deal with that nonsense anymore.

lmckillo

You are not alone, you have everyone on MFP that supports you and understands the trials and tribulations of dieting. You will find that it is the people closest to you that may want you to fail or will be your biggest critics. When you fail it makes them feel as if what they are doing is okay. " She's/ He's not dieting or working out so it must be okay for me not to" People that don't feel good about themselves can be the most negative at times. Just keep on with your program and remember the support you have with all your friends on MFP

Xenophonica

It is so hard to do this when the home support is non-existent. Can you ask him specifically to avoid doing X, Y, and Z? the things that are damaging your journey? I'll offer the same, I'm willing to give you some internet support if you'd like to add me!

bartbell

You have to do it for you and by you. You are right it would be great if everyone around us did the same things and had the same goals but that is not the way life works in general. And that is exactly why sites like this do so well. It is a community of people, all over the world with the same goals.

Work hard for yourself, come to these message boards for your insperation, uplifting stories of people overcoming much worse things than we have to and carry on. The only person who can sabotage your results is yourself, noone can make you eat bad, not workout, or completely give up but yourself. And because you are here, taking that big step (and have already lost 14 pounds) tells everyone that you want this badly. So keep moving forward and good luck!

plumpncurvy

In the same boat here...it sucks!

jonswife0206

Although my husband is supportive of whatever I am trying to accomplish, he doesn't always understand the importance. He for one has never had a weight issue. EVER. So, while he is saying "Great job with heading to the gym today!", he's shoveling in ice cream and asking if I would bake him some cookies, lol.

He loves me and I love him but you know what, I just have to do this for myself and that is okay. If he wants to clean out every snack in the house until he is happy, I will go find something else to do if it is annoying. If he wants to sit on his behind while I go for a long run and sweat until I want to pass out, so be it. There are many things he does that I don't always understand so I try not to be too upset about it. We are different people and will not always have the same goals or priorities with everything in life.

Here on MFP, we are pretty much on the same path of getting healthier even if our desired goals are a bit different. I am glad that you posted on here and are working to make things better for yourself. When you don't always have a cheer team at home, this is a good place to go. I wish you the best and remember that you have to make good choices for yourself , even if the people around you don't make the same.

angelamcmillan2008

my hubby was a enabler,still is but i made him aware of it and each time hr brings something sweet home,i confront him.i ask what are you trying to do kill me im already fat do you want to see me have a heart attack.then he feels bad and starts dieting with me and loses more weight than me.ticks me off,he goes bragging about it.lol na i dont get really mad.i just let him think he got under mt skin about it.but please do talk to your husband tell him you want his support.tell him you feel lonely.communication is key to any relationship.talk to him like hes your best friend,hes suppose to be.good luck

jzammetti

My husband can't even bring himself to show me any kind of encouragement or support. To make it worse - he's always enabling me or sabotaging my diet. I don't think he sabotages on purpose - but it's really starting to weigh on me (literally).

I'm finding it really hard to keep myself going when I can't have those I'm close to on the same page as me.

For once in my life it would be so nice if someone would just show one little ounce of interest in what I'm trying to do for me. I feel so alone.

My hubby started that way too - he didn't mean to hurt my feelings - I think it was maybe his insecurity (he is a bit on the heavy side too). I think he just didn't think...you know what I mean?

Now, 2.5 years later, he is fully supportive, even asking if he should weigh my food for me when he cooks. He will come along, I think. Just hang in there and do what you need to do for yourself.

jljshoe1979

Hey sweetie!! You aren't alone :flowerforyou: I've had some success with unintentional sabatoge by using a polite "no, thank you." sometimes you have to repeat it, but you never have to give an explanation. (i.e. if he offers you some yummy delicious sweet treat, simply say no, thank you). Now, if it's intentional then it's time for a serious sit down talk - keep calm, look him in the eye, make sure those emotions stay in tact, and talk to him about this because it is bothering you.

AmberleyAngel

Golly. Thank you so much everyone for a wake up call.

I have the most supportive husband ever. He's given up sugar, fast food, and lots of other things off his own bat, to support me. He allows me to get treats when I hit mini goals like a hair cut, new makeup, a trip somewhere; and brings home helpful surprises like sugar-free lollies or a nice fillet of salmon. He has even started exercising, too. And he accepts and jokes about me needing a whole new wardrobe of clothes by the time I've reached goal.

I was just thinking this morning how nobody seems to understand how much work it is to lose weight and be dedicated to it. How shallow and ungrateful I can be without realising it!!!

It is hard work. It does take self-control and dedication. And it sure is a LOAD easier with support.

I suggest you write a list of the reasons you want to lose weight and whenever you struggle, take it out and think about those things. What's changed? Have you achieved some of those things, in part or in whole?

AND, share with your MFP community & friends - the highs, the lows, and the ho-hums. All of us know what it takes to change a lifestyle and live that every day.

You can be the person you want to be. Don't let lack of support at home stop you achieving. I'm sure he will realise and love the results in due course.

MsDelaney

If you need any internet support, you can add me! I'm good with the encouragement stuffs

megalin9

While I understand how it makes this process more difficult, you are ultimately responsible for your own decisions. I say this not to hurt you or offend you but to encourage you, motivate you, and make you realize that YOU CAN DO THIS.

My husband has an extremely unhealthy diet and is very overweight. He and my step-daughter are both ridiculously picky eaters and refuse to eat anything I cook. They eat out at a restaurant or fast-food every day. Every. Day. He has no desire to exercise with me or make any changes I suggest to his diet. The only time he ever says that I'm doing a good job is when I text him about my latest weight loss or a new PR with my weight lifting. He's forced to respond. Haha. And it's usually just a "good job," or "you're on a roll."

When I wanted to get fit a year & 1/2 ago, I made the decision then and there that I would do it for me and me alone, that I would find a way to make it work regardless of what my husband and other people around me were doing. I didn't care who I offended, who I convenienced, whose toes I stepped on. I've had to make sacrifices and changes to our family dynamic. Fortunately, while my husband isn't on the same page with me when it comes to health and fitness, he is extremely supportive just by letting me do this. He is OK with eating out while I cook at home. He is OK with watching the kids so I can go for a run. He is OK with me eventually buying a power rack so I can lift in our basement. He might not want to do it with me, but he is at least respecting my decision.

Sometimes he will bring cookies or ice cream home knowing those things are a huge challenge for me, but he's not doing it to sabotage me, and it's ultimately MY choice if I indulge in those things.

It's up to you and only you. You CAN do this with or without our husband! See my ticker below: 57 down, 26 to go. Good luck!

lua262

I hear you. I also have a hard time to put myself first. But I'm going baby steps, and trying not to lose hope. I'm been up and down with my weight for too long. But I sabotage myself, and this is crazy! I sometimes think I'm the one who is scared of a thinner me!

So, I'm beginning again, and I'm sure that eventually your husband will figure it out, and provide the support you need! Family sometimes take a while to catch up, and join us in a project that will make us different from the one they are used to- a happier us, with new goals, and really going for our dreams.

ForMyAngelBaby

I hear you. I also have a hard time to put myself first. But I'm going baby steps, and trying not to lose hope. I'm been up and down with my weight for too long. But I sabotage myself, and this is crazy! I sometimes think I'm the one who is scared of a thinner me!

I have to be honest with you - being scared of a thinner me is something I'm realistically struggling with. I've never been thin and I don't know what I'll look like or how my life will change. I just keep telling myself, it's got to be better than the train wreck I've got now.

abeechu

My husband can't even bring himself to show me any kind of encouragement or support. To make it worse - he's always enabling me or sabotaging my diet. I don't think he sabotages on purpose - but it's really starting to weigh on me (literally).

I'm finding it really hard to keep myself going when I can't have those I'm close to on the same page as me.

For once in my life it would be so nice if someone would just show one little ounce of interest in what I'm trying to do for me. I feel so alone.

I hate to play Devil's Advocate, but have you tried to include him on your transformation into healthier living? When I first started my fitness regimen my parents (especially my mom) were extremely doubtful since I had "tried" many times before but never really stuck to it. I think part of it was that I would unintentionally lord it over them ("Oh I can't eat that for dinner-- it has too much fat") rather than helping to cook and shop for healthier groceries.

You don't have to get him to exercise with you, but you can always try to subtly adjust his eating habits in addition to yours without pointing it out. When you cook a healthy meal, it doesn't have to be the case where you pull an "I told you so-- healthy food CAN taste good," but just treat it as "I'm just trying out new recipes-- what do you think?" moment so he can come to the same conclusion. That way at the end of the day he's not complaining about it and will start craving more of the healthy options.

erinsueburns

I am going to go with tough love here. You are doing this for you, and you have to keep that in mind always. Also, you are responsible for yourself, and he is not. You can only give up to him what you choose to give to him.

Does it suck, YES. Do those of us with less than supportive friends and family wish it were otherwise. Of course!. But reality is what it is and you have to decide on your course of action. Sit down and make a list of the things that cause you to struggle, then devise a list of things to do to combat them. If you struggle with having junk food in the house-DON"T BUY IT. If hubby buys it, make him keep it in the car or at his work and not in the house.

jljshoe1979

I hear you. I also have a hard time to put myself first. But I'm going baby steps, and trying not to lose hope. I'm been up and down with my weight for too long. But I sabotage myself, and this is crazy! I sometimes think I'm the one who is scared of a thinner me!

I have to be honest with you - being scared of a thinner me is something I'm realistically struggling with. I've never been thin and I don't know what I'll look like or how my life will change. I just keep telling myself, it's got to be better than the train wreck I've got now.

I think you need to ask yourself what about being thin scares you - maybe write the reasons out on paper...Then take each reason and analyze it (most of them may not have to do with weight at all, so much as the changes that will occur after hitting your goal weight/size)..I think you should mentally tell yourself that when you get thin you are going to try it out for a while (if you really don't enjoy it, you can always go back to not being thin). Change - even a good change can be hard and scary and stressful.

mmm_drop

I understand your frustrations and I advise you to learn the power of the words, "no thank you". Once you realize only you can hold yourself accountable and make the choices of what you eat and how often and when you work out you will be much stronger and more able to sustain your change in life style.

While it is hard to do this on your own, without the support of loved ones in your life, it is possible and keep in mind that you are doing this for you and only you, and that only you can make the decision to either be healthy or not.

saxmaniac

I think one of my biggest problems is I seldomly ever do things just for me...it's always for everyone else.
It's so hard for me to put myself first - but we see where I've ended up by putting myself last...

I can see how getting the time to go out an exercise by yourself, might require support from family.

But, in the end, the food you put into your mouth is entirely under your control... unless you're being force-fed. I'm not joking around here, getting the mental and emotional issues straight is definitely the hardest part. You control what you eat, you are the final judge of what is OK. Nobody's opinion should matter.

Eventually, you will go out into the world and go to a party, a business lunch, a restaurant, a food court, or some place where people really aren't going to support you at all. In fact, they might want to sell you tasty stuff and make you fail. The things you learn now at home, will be necessary skills for making this permanent in real life.

Spindigo1

It took my partner MONTHS before she got on board with my life style change. I thought that she was completely uninterested and I felt alone, just like you. Turns out she didn't think I needed to change a thing and was trying not to fuel any negative body images I have of myself. Now that she knows that this isn't a temporary diet but something I am committed to she is MUCH more supportive, sharing healthy meals with me, buying fewer "bad" foods, and encouraging me to continue training.

Meanwhile, I relied pretty heavily on my MFP friends to provide the support and encouragement I couldn't get at home. I suggest you do the same and stick with what you're doing! Your husband might come around eventually.