Breaking out of the diet club. Advice please. (weight obsession is a mental problem)

wigglypuff

Hello, mfp users. I am 18 years old, female, Asian and I currently suffer from a minor form of depression, deal with anxiety to some extent, and have a bad history of dieting. I was one of those know-it-all teenagers following whatever the heck seemed right to her, even if many unhealthy risks were involved in my pursuits... Let me tell you a story.

At age 17, with a height of 5'3" and weight of 95 lbs, I set out a goal to drop to 87 lbs after 10 weeks then maintain it during my senior year. This was designed to take place only during summer vacation 2013, but this unfinished goal has been tattooed to my being ever since. I would like to expand into greater detail on what my whole thought process was, but you may skip this italicized part if you are not interested in what I now realize was my "emotional trigger" for trying, failing, then repeating it countless times until I would reach this golden number of 87 lbs. From age 12-14, I had an easy way of describing my body shape: underdeveloped and frail. I was between 74-81 lbs, flat-chested (not even a 32A), and bony all over my 5'0"-5'1" body throughout those 3 years. And it obviously became an over-used topic for conversation between me and my friends, family, school peers: "How are your wrists so tiny!?" Why don't you gain some meat on your arms?" "I might crush you if I try to hug you!" More importantly, I hated being called/BLAMED for the fact that I was "too skinny" since I didn't think I was doing it on purpose, it was my own luck that gave me this type of body. That my small appetite occurred due to my genes was how I'd reassure anyone who saw me consume 20-30% of the food on my plate or lunch tray. I couldn't change how much I ate, no matter how much I was pressured to. If my stomach felt close to full, it would truly pain me to eat another bite even if you tempted me with my favorite sweet treat in front of my eyes. I had believed that Bony would be my middle name all throughout my teenage years, and that magically during college I would start to patiently eat more food and subtly look fuller and thicker... Or so I thought. It turned out that my body wasn't so happy being "underdeveloped," and shortly after turning 15, it took advantage of my increased appetite to really pack on 12 lbs, add meat to my face, and layer some fat on my booty. I was told by many, many relatives during holiday seasons 2011 and 2012 that I developed more shape, and I'm sure it was easy for them to make it sound like a beautiful thing. In reality, I did recover from an underfed diet, but holy crap were the physical changes more drastic than subtle. Ever read any anorexia recovery stories? Ever noticed how different their face shape is after they've gained weight? With every year that passes (3 so far), the extra pounds alter my shape to a greater degree. I absolutely hated not being underdeveloped any more. I didn't think carrying more weight was as awesome as my relatives put it out to be... thus leading to a summer diet solution, but not really.

87 lbs meant happiness, confidence, reverse transformation. I knew that my younger, super skinny 13 year old self would have only expected that I do everything in my power to reach that low weight, to give my life a chance to be free from these insecurities and bothersome changes that definitely appeared once I entered the upper 80s and low/mid 90s. I wasn't listening to the positive messages of several women out there on the internet: "Beauty is not defined by how much you eat in a day or how many inches your waist is." "Skinny cannot give you love or kindness. You only need a healthy, positive mind to give your body all of the love and kindness it needs." These messages didn't sway me to just eat clean and live well. Instead I was very adamant about attaining that scale number, restricting calories, attempting low-carb lean diets, attempting high-carb veganism, and watching my entire life fall apart, literally, because it seemed that this struggle was the price I had to pay in order to feel radiant, slim and sexy... I avoided telling my overweight best friend, and still to this day she hasn't a single clue that I care so strongly about my body image. She first knew me at age 14 when I was at my lovely 81 lbs which is why I'm showing more pity towards my stuck-up dieting goal, cause right now she remains as my only friend because she looked past my awkward/depressed characteristics, my extra-bloated cheeks, and my saggy *kitten*, and every single flaw of mine that I focus on and complain about never crosses her mind.

So, my challenge is that from all of my dieting/restricting dating back to June 2013, I have come to the conclusion that I must have developed food addiction. I now weigh 106 lbs (still 5'3"), but my weight 4 days ago was 101. I don't know how crazy this sounds, but I am actually more comfortable eating like 1,200 calories in one sitting rather than eating 400-600 calories within every 5 hours. It sounds shocking considering I still have a pretty normal weight, but my body craves fatty, sweet, and unnatural food in an amount fit for feeding a big, BIG stomach. I am really nervous because I promise myself to never care about dieting ever again (seriously, dieting better leech onto someone new that's not a depressing little brat like me), but I really screwed up my eating habits. Prior to these past 4 days of eating anywhere between 2,500-4,000 calories, I was eating 2,000ish. Still kind of high considering I don't do any kind of physical activity, but the quality of my food is absolutely despicable.

Please advise me on how to break this habit. For example, today I had 0 servings of fruits and 1 serving of vegetables (1/2 cup of boiled eggplant with peanut butter). I mindlessly started microwaving chicken nuggets, pizza, and a plate of white rice with beef oxtail and eggplant then eating 4 Nature Valley granola bars, and 2 Costco croissants. 8 hours later I'm back in the kitchen eating 1 cheese roll, 1 empanada, 2 handfuls of tortilla chips with 2 tbsp of spicy yogurt dip, and a coconut jam wheat sandwich. What worries me is how I had promised my worried mom that I wouldn't touch any unhealthy foods, and that if I were to feel hungry, I could just drink a glass of soy milk or microwave a sweet potato. To make my brain pick these healthier alternatives was like trying to prevent myself from naturally putting on blanket when my body feels cold. I was being pulled by a magnet to choose Frankenfoods. How do I fight back? I'd love any tips please.

Thank you so much to anyone that took the time to read over this. I really wanted to share this. I have delayed this for too long, and it's so nice to finally call quits to this weight obsession. Time to learn from my mistakes and to forgive myself. Hopefully, my commitment to this recovery journey stays strong. I can hopefully grow in spirit to walk the path towards self-acceptance behind my best friend! I strive to treat my body with respect so if for whatever reason this food addiction and/or depression worsens rather than heals, I will certainly seek medical help. If anyone would like to have me make an update by next week, please comment below. Thanks again!

middlehaitch

Get professional help.

999tigger

Go and get professional help and support.
They can help you get a healthier body image as well as redefining your relationship with food. You are still very close to being underweight, but you are better than you were.

A dietician would be handy or at least read up on basic nutrition, which can be as simple as 5 fruit and veg a day plus lean proteins. Use MFP to help you track that you are eating enough calories.

Take up exercise. You dont really need to lose any weight, so id think you would be looking at some cardio to improve general levels of fitness, but mostly resistance training so you can get stronger as well as stuff like yoga for suppleness. Start at the beginning and build. Once you have a plan you believe in and has been approved by your Dr, dietician and physio, then you need to follow it consistently of you wnat the health and fitness benefit. With that should hopefully come a healthier mental outlook about your food, diet and body.