Day One

bananabeannn
bananabeannn Posts: 110 Member
in Getting Started
Today is Day 1 of my journey. And I can't bring myself to say "this time is different" or "this is day one of my new life". I can't do that anymore.

I'm in recovery for an eating disorder, and losing weight for me can be a real slippery slope. Today is all I can control. And today, I know that I need to be nice to myself. And that getting a little excess weight off my body, is a nice thing to do for myself. (FYI, I"m 135 and 5'3, so it's not unhealthy for me to lose a little excess).

This isn't the beginning of anything. It's an enhanced awareness of what is going on today. I can't wait any longer for my "life to start". It's gotta be now, 135lbs or 115lbs. It's got to be today.

My goals are all pretty arbitrary. I've learned that I have no idea in heck what 115lbs will be like on me. Maybe I really just want to be 120. Or 122. Who knows. And a calorie goal of 1400? well, maybe that's fine some days - maybe some days I'll eat less, some days more.

Today, right now, I just want to focus on my heart - and seeing/feeling that it is healed. And stop telling myself the story that "my life will be freaking amazing and awesome when....insert thing I don't have here". And that losing a few pounds is literally just going to change that shape/size of my body. It's not going to change anything else. It's all in my pretty little head.

I'm using this forum right now as an outlet for self acceptance. Feel free to join me.

Replies

  • JoKessho
    JoKessho Posts: 108 Member
    I went from anorexia to binge-eating (doubled my weight in less than a year, back in 2012). Both disorders still haunt me and I know that I will never just wake up and be healed. I binged yesterday and was tempted to fast and exercise like crazy today, but I forced myself to make the sensible decision to eat normally and stay within my calorie limit.
    During the "binge days" I find myself thinking 'tomorrow I will feel like being healthy again, so it's ok to eat like crazy now.' I know it won't happen like that, which means I need to put in the effort to overcome these EDs. I know I will fail at times, but I am getting better at making the right decisions and getting back on track sooner :smile:
  • bananabeannn
    bananabeannn Posts: 110 Member
    Hi JoK - both disorders are so so invasive! They can get inside all your thoughts and infect your whole life - totally get ya.

    Just try and be gentle with yourself, and know that the sensible decision to work towards a reasonable goal is out of love, not punishment.

    My experience/opinion has been that those with EDs are really mean to ourselves - we choose punishment over love all the time. And it's not our fault, but we just haven't learned to do anything different. It's a lifelong process.

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